Special thanks to Vampire13princess for reviewing.
Espionage and Insanity
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Ulquiorra grimaced.
"I don't like this one." He said. Orihime and Gin rolled their eyes.
"Come on, don't be a baby." Orihime said. Ulquiorra's lip quivered.
"You don't understand, you don't have one you don't know." Ulquiorra said. The mission this time? Locate all hollow holes on the espada and throw something through it.
"Come on, aren't you the least bit curious about where the hollow holes are?" Orihime asked.
"That is besides the point! It's a suicide mission. Harribel alone would destroy us completely, she's still not happy with us from the last time. Plus, do you really want to know where all the hollow holes are?" Ulquiorra asked. Gin and Orihime nodded vigorously. Ulquiorra gave them a look of disbelief.
"Trust me, you don't." Ulquiorra said. Gin and Orihime gave each other a look.
"Ulquiorra. Will you go get us some donuts, we need to confer whether or not we will address your concerns." Gin said in an incredibly business-like voice. Orihime nodded and mimed pushing up imaginary glasses. Ulquiorra sighed and left.
"We can't let him in this one, he's not strong enough." Orihime said in an official tone.
"I concur with your analysis." Gin said. "'e is jus' a boy."
"We tell him that we agree and the new mission is to give everyone a chocolate heart for Valentine's Day. Then, at later date, when he isn't expecting in, we attack. Break on 3, 1, 2, 3, break." Orihime said. Gin nodded and just in time as Ulquiorra showed up balancing a plate of donuts on one hand. Orihime bounced to a erect standing military position.
"Ulquiorra Sexypants Schiffer!" Orihime announced in a blank tone. Gin's jaw dropped and Ulquiorra mouthed don't ask to Gin. "We have carefully reviewed your suggestion, and we accept your proposal." Ulquiorra nodded relieved.
"The new mission is as follows. Give a chocolate heart to each espada and fraccion, and our beloved Aizen and Tousen. Don't forget Wonderweiss." Orihime finished. Ulquiorra looked immensely relieved. Gin looked downright devious. If Ulquiorra thought anything was amiss, he didn't show it.
"Where do we get chocolate hearts?" Ulquiorra asked. Gin looked away awkwardly before pulling out a package addressed to one Jushiro Ukitake from one Retsu Unohana, with a message that said,
"Happy Valentine's Day." Orihime and Ulquiorra stared at Gin in disbelief as he avoided their glances.
"You stole chocolate from a sick man?" Orihime exclaimed. Gin looked away.
"It's not mah fault! If Ulquiorra hadn' eaten the ones she sent me, Aizen, an' Tousen, I wouldn' have taken Ukitake's chocolate." Gin exclaimed. Ulquiorra looked away guiltily at Orihime's astonished look. Then Orihime was distracted by a sudden thought.
"Wait, Unohana sent you guys chocolate for valentine's day? After you defected? All of you?" Orihime asked.
"Retsu would neveh be so cruel as to cu' us off from 'er special Valentine candy." Gin said, scandalized. "I love Retsu, didja know tha' she useta make me my own bunny shaped chocolate because I like ta bite off their heads, especially in front of little Rukia-chan." Orihime shook her head in disbelief and decided to ignore that last fact.
"And you're really willing to share that?" Ulquiorra asked. Gin nodded happily, but when Orihime and Ulquiorra turned away for a split second, Gin opened his eyes and glared suspiciously at Ulquiorra, but just as soon as it had came, it was gone. Yet Ulquiorra still felt the cold sting of it on the back of his neck.
"Alright, who first?" Ulquiorra asked.
"Let's do Starrk, he's least likely to hurt us." Orihime said.
"Why would he hurt us for giving him chocolate?" Ulquiorra asked. Gin waved away his question and set off to Den de los Lobos, as Gin had named it for Starrk.
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"Lilinette, will you wake up Starrk for us, we have a present for you guys for Valentine's Day?" Orihime said.
"What's Valentine's Day?" She asked.
"It's a beautiful day when people who love each other give flowers and chocolate to show their love. Or if you're single, you can give something and a poem to someone you like." Orihime quickly explained. Lilinette thought about it.
"Hey Starrk, What's coffee?" Lilinette yelled. Starrk bolted awake.
"Don't you dare give any to her." Starrk yelled to whoever had the coffee. He looked around. No one had any coffee. He sighed in relief.
"Alright, what is it?" He asked tiredly.
"Happy Valentine's Day!" Orihime yelled as she handed Starrk his chocolate heart, and Ulquiorra handed Lilinette hers. Lilinette smiled. Starrk nodded, then fell asleep.
"Trust me, he's really happy. Not many people go out of their way to give us stuff." Lilinette said quietly. "Come back soon." Ulquiorra, Orihime, and Gin quickly agreed then left, feeling warm and fuzzy. Lilinette opened her chocolate, the broke it in half and put one half in a box labeled
To small White-haired captain.
Roses are Red, Violets are Blue,
You're really cute, Call me.
1-800-Las-Noches ext Lobo 2
Then Lilinette shoved it in the mailbox outside their room and waited for the hollow mail man.
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"Tha' two down, who next?" Gin asked.
"Let's do Barragan, he's the closest. We'll need 7 chocolates." Orihime said. They walked to Barragan's wing and knocked at the door.
"Come back later, Barragan is having a sponge bath." A voice called. All three immediately fled.
"Tha' did not work." Gin panted. Orihime was recovered already.
"Let's do Szayel, I miss him." Orihime said cheerfully. Gin cheered in agreement. So the fearsome threesome marched off to Szayel's Lab.
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"What?" Szayel said.
"It's chocolate Szayel, one for you, and how many fraccion do you have, you need one for each of them." Orihime said.
"Just give me one for them, I'll split it evenly, I'm just going to eat them anyway." Szayel said. Orihime's smile froze, then continued as she chose to file that under things to not remember.
"Anyway, Happy Valentine's Day Szayel. We love you." Orihime said. Gin and Ulquiorra nodded in confirmation. Szayel smiled to himself.
"Well, don't forget Betsy, I'm sure she misses you." Szayel said as he shut the door.
"BETSY!" All three yelled as they rushed to the Las Noches Stables.
"Betsy, how are ya girl, who's a good beastie, you are, yes you are. Happy Love Day." Gin said. Betsy jumped all around excitedly causing several small earthquakes.
"We'll come back and visit soon, I promise." Ulquiorra said as they left. Betsy sighed and laid down.
"TA GRIMMY!" Gin called. Ulquiorra stuck his tongue out, but continued anyway.
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"Grimmy?" Gin called outside of Grimmjow's door. "We 'ave a surprise for ya." A slot opened in the door and a pair of hostile blue eyes popped out.
"No, Lilinette already told me what Valentine's day is and there is no way I'm taking any gifts of love from any of you." Grimmjow yelled.
"I'll take one though." A voice called from the room. Grimmjow scowled.
"Shut up Yylfordt." Grimmjow called back. Gin sighed.
"It doesn' mean that we necessarily love ya like that, we jus' don' hate ya. Ya better take it though, if you don' Aizen will be upset." Gin said. Grimmjow scowled again and shut the slot, then several clicks sounded and the door was opened. Grimmjow was standing at the door, Yylfordt and Nakeem were playing on Grimmjow's PS3, Shawlong and Edrad were watching MTV, and Di Roy was being a creep in the corner. Orihime and Ulquiorra spread out and handed out chocolate and Gin happily handed Grimmjow his.
"This didn't go near Szayel did it?" Yylfordt asked cautiously. Orihime shook her head and he relaxed, as did every other inhabitant in the room.
"Well, we best be goin', chocolate ta give, people ta scare, ya know the drill." Gin said happily.
"Whatever." Grimmjow said as he sat down on the couch next to Shawlong and Edrad. Gin, Orihime, and Ulquiorra left.
"Let's do Nnoitra." Orihime said. Gin and Ulquiorra shared a look.
"Fine, just stay behind us." Ulquiorra said. Orihime rolled her eyes.
"To Den de el Pervert. And Tesla." Gin said. Ulquiorra almost laughed. When they got to the door, they ignored the Keep Out sign, and the small picture of Orihime underneath it with a red crossed out circle.
"Wow, ya really annoyed him, didn' cha." Gin said, impressed. Then he knocked on the door. Nnoitra opened the door with a bored expression.
"What?" He asked. Gin was about to answer when Orihime popped up from behind Ulquiorra.
"Happy Valentine's Day Nnoitra! We love you, and by we I mean Aizen." Orihime shouted. Nnoitra jumped back and slammed the door.
"Leave me alone, can't you read!" Nnoitra yelled from the safety of his room. Orihime pouted.
"We won't leave until you accept our gifts of love." Gin shouted. Suddenly the door opened, Tesla was shoved out, and the door was shut in a matter of seconds. Tesla smiled sheepishly.
"Nnoitra will accept your gifts, but he wants you to leave immediately after." Tesla said. A knock sounded on the door. "Oh, and Nnoitra-sama wants you to know that this does not mean he is agreeing to a relationship with any of you."
"This one is for you, and this one is for him." Ulquiorra said as he handed over two chocolate hearts. Tesla nodded his thanks, then waited for them to leave, which they did, but not without Gin popping up behind Tesla and scaring him.
"Who now?" Orihime asked, pleased with their success so far. Gin tapped his lip thoughtfully and Ulquiorra stared into space looking slightly like a three year old.
"I KNOW! Ai-CHAN." Gin shouted happily as he rushed to the throne room. Ulquiorra and Orihime followed. At the throne room, Aizen was sitting on the throne looking at a paper that Szayel was holding out for him to look at. When they heard the three coming, Szayel quickly and neatly slid the plans closed and tucked in his clothes.
"Hello Gin, Ulquiorra, and Orihime, is there something you need?" Aizen said in a cool tone.
"Hey Ai-chan, is tha' the new mind control device blueprints?" Gin asked happily. Aizen and Szayel shared a look and Aizen sighed.
"No, it's the new design for the meeting room, Szayel believes that the current design is…outdated." Aizen said. Szayel fervently nodded. Orihime went to go look at the design before being pulled back into place by Ulquiorra. Orihime pouted.
"Happy Valentine's Day Aizen." Orihime said. Aizen smiled widely.
"Where did you get this? I thought Ulquiorra had eaten them all." Aizen said as he held his chocolate heart.
"Ask me no questions an' I'll tell ya no lies." Gin said. Aizen shrugged. "Anyways, we gotsta go and continue spreading the love." Aizen nodded a goodbye and Szayel opened the design as Gin, Ulquiorra, and Orihime went off to look for Tousen and Wonderweiss.
"Here Tousen, Tousen, Tousen, here boy." Gin called and whistled.
"You were looking for me Ichimaru?" Tousen asked as he seemingly appeared out of thin air.
"Huh, usually I hafta search fo' a while before ya come out in the open." Gin said. Tousen sighed.
"Wonderweiss smelled the chocolate." Tousen said. Wonderweiss let go of Tousen's hand and started poking around Gin looking for the chocolate. Gin chuckled good-naturedly until Wonderweiss bit his finger. Then, he yelped.
"Nasty little bugger." Gin growled as he opened one eye to peek at Wonderweiss who in no way looked abashed as he chewed on the chocolate heart Orihime quickly handed him and Tousen. Tousen nodded his thanks then turned and left with Wonderweiss in tow.
"Well, a thank you would have been nice." Orihime said, scandalized. Gin waved it away.
"Trust me, he's happy, when Ulquiorra ate Tousen's chocolate, I saw him shed a tear." Gin said casually. Ulquiorra grimaced. He wished everyone would stop reminiscing about his first major ooc moment.
"Hey look, it's Harribel. Harribel." Orihime called. Harribel looked as if she had had her foot caught in a bear trap, but her fraccion waved. Harribel walked slowly towards them since she knew running just made them more determined.
"Happy Valentine's Day sweet Harribel." Gin said in his best romantic voice as he handed her a chocolate heart. Harribel shuddered on the inside. Orihime and Ulquiorra passed out the three chocolate hearts to the fraccion. Apache dug in immediately, Sun-Sun put hers behind her sleeve for later, and Mila-Rose examined hers closely. Harribel held hers loosely in her hand as she walked away quickly.
"Should Rangiku be worried?" Orihime asked. Gin's eyes widened in pure fear.
"You won't tell her will you, I was just trying to freak her out, I made a bet with myself on how long it'll take her to crack." Gin said quickly. Orihime smiled, relieved. She didn't want to be the one who had to tell Rangiku that Gin was getting frisky while he was away.
"You know, Zommari's room is right around the corner." Ulquiorra noted. Gin grimaced.
"Al' right, just don' take deep breaths, Zommari is into the whole "medicinal", herbs and stuff." Gin said with a grimace and air quotes over the word medicinal. Orihime gave a slightly worried look at the trail of purple smoke that they followed all the way back to Zommari's room. Then she sniffed the air.
"Mmm, that smells good, maybe I should use it as a cooking ingredient." Orihime said. Gin and Ulquiorra exchanged a look.
"Probably not the best idea darling." Gin said as he patted Orihime gently on the shoulder. He knocked on the door and it opened slowly with a multitude of smoke coming out into the world. Gin and Orihime held their breath and waved it away, but Ulquiorra made the mistakes of long deep breaths as his pupils enlarged. Gin coughed and waved smoke away as he threw a chocolate heart at Zommari and fled, dragging Orihime and Ulquiorra behind him. Ulquiorra laughed with glee and Orihime stared in shock.
"Ulquiorra, you didn't breathe in anything did you." Gin said in a paternal voice that he leaned from Aizen. Ulquiorra looked down and spread imaginary dirt with his foot with his hands behind his back.
"Nooo." Ulquiorra said in a childlike voice. "You're pretty." He said to Orihime, who took this as an invitation to hug him. Which she did and Gin joined in. If Ulquiorra hadn't taken big breaths, he would have threatened to cero their faces off, but under the influence, he basked in the love as he broke away and skipped towards Yammy's room.
"Yaaaammy! We have a surprise for you." Ulquiorra sang as he knocked on the massive door. Gin and Orihime followed barely containing laughter. Small earthquakes sounded as the door opened.
"Hey Ulquiorra." Yammy greeted. Ulquiorra twirled in a circle and handed Yammy a heart chocolate.
"Thanks, Ulquiorra, how's trying for a promotion going." Yammy asked. Ulquiorra's eyes got wide as he desperately shook his head. Yammy, for being slow, got it rather quickly. Gin and Orihime flanked Ulquiorra and looked at him closely. Ulquiorra turned pink.
"We'll, bye." Ulquiorra said quickly as he ran for the door. Yammy waved as Gin and Orihime followed him closely. Ulquiorra twirled in many circles and threw off any questions about a promotion. Gin growled.
"We'll have to get the answer out of him after Zommari's stash wears off." Gin said. Orihime sighed but nodded and followed the still twirling Ulquiorra to Aaroniero's room. Ulquiorra tripped, then got back up and knocked on the door. No answer, Gin and Orihime caught up to him finally and Gin was so annoyed at this point that he typed in the door override code. The door opened with an ominous hiss. Ulquiorra bounced in, then let out a horrified scream of fear, terror, and horror.
"ULQUIORRA!" Gin and Orihime called as they ran to his side, ready to fight off anything that dared scare their Ulqui-chan. Then….they saw it, and let out two screams of their own.
"SHUT IT!" The smaller of the two grotesque heads in Aaroniero's tank of a head yelled in a high-pitched voice. This only caused them to scream louder.
"Do we scream at you because your eyes are squinted and you look like you have a pedophile smile and a constant constipation problem." Aaroniero's bigger, deeper pitched head said slowly. Gin stopped screaming and stood gaping like a fish. Aaroniero turned to look at Orihime.
"And you, do we laugh and scream at you because you have strange bodily proportions and different hair." Orihime stopped screaming and looked down at her toes. Ulquiorra was still screaming at this point.
"And do we laugh and scream at you, with those tears constantly on your face like a cry-baby? Your skin is as white as the walls, but do we call you names. No." Ulquiorra stopped screaming and felt his tear lines with an injured expression.
"Are we all not being with souls?" Aaroniero said. Orihime looked about to speak up but Aaroniero beat her to the punch as both heads rolled their eyes.
"Hollows have more souls within than any human." Orihime fell quiet again. "Is it alright for one to be judged on their appearance than what is inside of them? No. We are all the same." Aaroniero finished his speech as he put on the cover of his tank. Gin handed Aaroniero a chocolate, then after some thought, gave him another one, Aaroniero took it and turned away. Gin, Orihime, and Ulquiorra turned and left in completive silence.
"Who knew that underneath the freak, Aaroniero's actually a open-minded per-thing." Ulquiorra said. Then he twirled away to Barragan's room. Gin and Orihime shook away the guilt and self-consciousness to follow, though cautiously, they didn't know how long sponge baths took. Ulquiorra knocked on the door happily. Ggio opened it.
"Welcome, may I take your coats or park your car for you." Ggio asked in an uppity manner. Ulquiorra handed him air, which in his mind seemed to be a pair of keys. Ggio looked at it as Ulquiorra then swept past Ggio while tipping him a chocolate heart. Findor took over from there and led the three to a table with a throne in front of it. The throne was empty. Poww and Nirgge stood menacingly by the door like a bouncer. Abirama them accompanied Barragan out from the next room to the throne, where he sat himself with a majestic ease. Charlotte was singing on top of a piano in a tight red sparking dress as an unfamiliar underling played in in fear and horror.
"Speak." Barragan commanded. Gin opened his mouth to speak, but Ulquiorra beat him to it. "Happy Commercial Love Day!" Ulquiorra shouted as he handed Barragan a chocolate heart, then zipped around the room and handed out the rest. At Charlotte he smiled politely and good naturedly tucked the chocolate heart in his underwear strap that was poking out of the giant slit in the red dress. Gin gasped in horror, Orihime looked jealous, and even Barragan gagged. Charlotte's eyes turned to hearts as he looked at Ulquiorra as Ulquiorra bounced away. Reality shat itself. Ulquiorra grabbed the imaginary keys from Ggio and mimed jumping into the from seat and yelled vroom vroom all the way down the hallway.
"Ulquiorra does not know what 'e got 'imself inta." Gin said nonchalantly. Orihime shuddered, then went over to bring Ulquiorra back to the safety of his room. Gin stayed behind and looked at the leftover chocolate before he sighed, then disappeared.
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Ukitake looked sadly at the shelf where his chocolate used to lay. His Lieutenants scoured the area for clues on the perpetrator, enraged on behalf of their Captain. Ukitake sniffled with his big brown puppy eyes. Then, out of nowhere, a single chocolate heart appeared on the opposite shelf. Ukitake smiled happily and started munching.
Gin sighed from outside the window. Curse his soft heart. Rangiku's and Kira's chocolate was already in place. As he was placing Rangiku's chocolate, he happened to see half of a chocolate heart with a bite out of it and a number written down on mini-Taicho's desk. Just this once, he decided not to pry. Little Rukia's chocolate was also placed, but hers was complete with a drawn picture of a fox eating a bunny. And Gin also found time to send one to Ichigo, with a very explicit naked drawing of Aizen on it. Gin slipped away happily, his job done. Wait, one more thing. Gin thought as he smirked. He went to the wall where Aizen's decoy body was found and wrote in chocolate "Gin was Here, See Ya."
This was supposed to be out on Valentine's Day, but there were some setbacks, but enjoy anyway.
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