Dear Journal.
Who can I confide in? Certainly not the Old Man—I mean… Kotetsu. He's… well, he's the problem.
Not Karina. I've seen the way she looks at him.
Pao Lin? No. She'd be more confused than me.
Nathan would tell everyone, so he's out.
Perhaps Antonio—no. He wouldn't understand.
Ivan, maybe? But we're not very close. And he's probably as inexperienced as I am.
Talking with Keith… Well. He's too spacey. Knows as little about romance as Pao Lin.
When I was a child, it would have been my parents. As a teen, Aunt Samantha. Perhaps Mr. Maverick. Of course, there are myriad issues with confiding in any of them. Seeing as most of them are dead or brain dead.
I wouldn't be able to hear Dr. Saito.
Agnes would 1) Make fun of me, or 2) Air something dramatic about "Barnaby Brooks' Budding First Love!" or any number of embarrassing topics along those lines.
There's our new manager—Co-manager. The stout, dark one. I forget his name. He's Kotetsu's friend, so maybe… But no. I can't. It would be weird.
So I guess I'll just continue to rely on you, Journal.
Where to start…?
I'll start with… that day a year ago. The day Kotetsu died. I… Thinking about it now still makes my throat constrict, even though I know he's safe, and smiling, and I can easily track him down if I need to see him… To confirm that he really is alive. To make sure this relief is not a dream. I can't help but feel that I'll wake up one day and find that Kotetsu is gone forever—that he really did die that day and Mr. Maverick is ruling over Sternbild with an iron fist.
But anyway… That day he died… Passed out… I realized that I couldn't live without him. Not really. When he really does die someday… Someday not so long off… I think I might die too. From heartbreak. From having nothing left to live for. From a figurative knife of loneliness and despair to the gut. He has come to mean more to me than even my parents.
And frankly, I'm confused by this. He's a gangly, awkward, immature man who's probably ten years older than me and has a daughter and once had a wife. His mother is old enough to be my grandmother. He could be my father, for crying out loud. Well… no. Maybe that's not quite realistic. But still! He's quite a bit older than me.
But still...
But still, whenever I see him lounging around like a cat, with that silly grin plastered across his face… I feel so… nervous.
It's a strange feeling and I'm careful never to let it show. My palms get sweaty, and I overheat, and my mouth gets dry and I have to try not to stutter. Even though I hide it, I feel like it's painfully obvious. That everyone knows but just won't bring it up. I'm so confused by the emotions he's dragged out of me. Some days I feel like throwing up.
I'm not sure what to do. Not even sure what to call this… thing… that's invaded my body and mind. It's so different from the hatred and depression I've grown used to.
I see him—a dopy old tiger—and I can't help but feel that he's the missing link in my life- that I need him desperately.
What is this, exactly? Want? Need? Hunger? Fear? Sadness? It's like all of those emotions compressed into one, I think…
I see him, and strange things happen to my mind. To my body.
I've seen him often—clothed, naked, suited up, working out, sleeping, drunk, sober, dancing… I'm used to him. I should be used to him. But why does it seem like every time our hands brush it's for the first time? Why is it that every time our eyes meet it seems that he's seeing straight into my soul? Is this love? If so…
Why does it hurt so much?
Barnaby looked up—one might think he was a rabbit, with the way he held perfectly still, lips twitching nervously. He'd heard steps. He slammed his journal shut and slid it into its drawer quickly, closing the door and padlocking it as someone knocked on the door frame.
Then the bedroom door swung open to reveal an awkward Japanese tiger.
Barnaby could not fight the blush that began to stain his cheeks. "Kotetsu!"
"Bunny-chan!" Kotetsu prowled close. "Hello! You didn't answer the door so I let myself in!" He grinned widely, giving Barnaby a big, friendly hug. Barnaby wondered how, exactly, he had "let himself in."
"I didn't hear the doorbell…" Barnaby fiddled with his glasses and tried to look haughty as usual, choosing not to mention the fact that he lived in a secured building and should've had to buzz the door open for the old man. Kotetsu was warm against him.
"I rang it three times." Kotetsu's smile drooped slightly, and his brow creased in confusion. He loosened his embrace, pulling back to look Barnaby in the eyes, hands planted firmly on the younger man's shoulders. "What's wrong, Bunny?"
Barnaby tried not to look away from those eyes—dark and deep with flecks of green and silver. "Nothing." He struggled to keep his voice steady. It was difficult. He wasn't good at hiding his emotions. He usually let them out with no restrictions… Tears and smiles and sneers and screams… But.
But he couldn't let Kotetsu worry about him—Couldn't show him how vulnerable he felt.
Kotetsu stopped smiling altogether, concerned, and reached up to place his left hand tentatively on Bunny's cheek. "You're burning up…"
The coolness of it… The roughness of his palm and fingertips… The icy smoothness of his wedding band harsh on Barnaby's heated face…
Barnaby's composure disintegrated. The dam holding back his emotions crumbled and tears flooded his cheeks as his face contorted unhappily. "Kotetsu-!" he wailed quietly, falling into Kotetsu's arms. "I'm so… confused!"
Kotetsu sighed softly, with an amused yet concerned smile, as Barnaby bawled and soaked tears into his vest. He didn't have to worry quite as much now—Barnaby was acting normal and letting his emotions show clearly. He patted Bunny's back quietly and whispered,
"It's a girl, isn't it?" He nuzzled the top of Barnaby's head with a strange expression.
Barnaby shook his head.
"…A boy?" Kotetsu blushed a little. It's not as though homosexuality was a new concept to him, and it wasn't as if he had never… experimented… and he'd suspected Bunny was gay, of course, but…
"not a boy…" Barnaby mumbled against Kotetsu's neck. "a… an old man."
"How old?" Kotetsu's expression grew sharp. He wouldn't let some old geezer make his Bunny cry… That old man had some severe punishment waiting for him…
"I'm not sure…!" Bunny sobbed softly. "The same age as you… Old enough to have a ten year old daughter and a wedding ring!" He clutched at Kotetsu.
The man was married? And leading Bunny on? Kotetsu glared daggers at the wall, holding Bunny tight. He gritted his teeth. "Bunny…" He kept his voice gentle. "He's not worth it."
"…He is…!" Bunny constricted his arms about Kotetsu's shoulders.
Kotetsu was speechless. No one was ever worth anything in Bunny's world… The thought that some asshole with a wife and kid might mean something to Bunny… It set Kotetsu's teeth on edge. He was clutching at Bunny now, not the other way around anymore… He was holding his Bunny tight.
"no…" Kotetsu growled. "He… he can't… have you…" The corners of the room seemed a little red.
"Kotetsu—" Bunny looked up, surprised, puffy-eyed… less wet.
"He can't have you!" Kotetsu licked his lips and looked Barnaby in the eyes.
Barnaby smiled softly at him. "He already has me..."
Kotetsu's eyes went wide in shock. He was about to be very, very angry and say something rash, but he was cut off by the soft press of his Bunny's lips.
Whatever he'd been about to snarl had fled, leaving his mind completely empty. He stared at Barnaby, red-faced, lips parted slightly. "…Oh."
Barnaby had finally worked up the courage. It had been graceless, but he'd conveyed his message to his wild tiger.
He wiped his nose on the back of his hand with a sniffle and smiled. "I love you, you stupid old man." He kissed Kotetsu gently and Kotetsu melted into his arms, allowing himself to be maneuvered to Barnaby's bed. Allowing Bunny to take control for a little while—he was too flustered to remember how to do anything but breathe.
Dear Journal,
Last night I found out that Kotetsu is really cute when he's helpless and vulnerable. His voice gets all trembly and quiet. I like it.
-Barnaby Brooks Jr.