Pirates in Wonderland
o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o
"What do I do? Warn Hatter or stay away from June." Jack wondered aloud.
"I thought we decided that this was Alice." Jack 2 said.
"May?" Jack asked.
"No, Alice." Jack 1 said slowly.
"April?" Jack asked. The mini-mes sighed.
"Sure. April." Jack 2 said soothingly. Jack 1 patted Jack's head.
"Alice?" Jack finally decided.
"Let's just go. The others are probably worried to death." Jack 1 said. Jack sniffed.
"Of course. Why wouldn't they be." Jack said, as he set out to continue to the tea party.
"Wait, I just realized something mate." Jack said. Jacks 1 and 2 look curiously at him. "I gave Alice the wrong directions. Whoopsie."
"Aww, you devilish genius you, now you have time to warn Hatter." Jack 2 said. Jack smirked.
"Let's go warn Hat-man." Jack said as he marched through the brush back to the tea party. "I know how hard it is not to be warned when ex's come around. Savvy?"
o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o
"Its okay everyone, I'm back." Jack announced. No one looked up from their various conversations.
"Oh Jack we were so worried." Jack 1 mocked.
"Thank goodness you're safe." Jack 2 said.
"We love you Captain Jack Sparrow." Jack said under his breath
"No, no, it's okay, I'm fine don't get up, really. No applause either." Jack said mockingly.
"Oi! Hatter. Mate, you got a problem, savvy?" Jack said. At this people looked up. Jack narrowed his eyes.
"Oh, now you care." Jack said.
"We care." Jack 1 and 2 said. Jack nodded vaguely.
"What's the problem?" Hatter lisped.
"You got Alice. She's looking for you mate." Jack said. Hatter's eyes widened.
"Malice, where did he go?" Hatter cried, then without waiting for an answer, he took off into the forest.
"Well, he'll never find her that way." Ragetti said knowledgeably. Pintel nodded in agreement. Everyone looked confused.
"How do you know?" Gibbs asked.
"That's what me n Pintel used to do when we got separated. But no one finds anyone that way." Ragetti said. Suddenly, it made sense.
o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o
"Alice!" Hatter called into the woods while running. Where was she. Hatter tripped and did a graceful barrel role.
"Fiddlesticks." Hatter cursed. Then he suddenly heard a cry.
"Hatter?" Hatter got up and ran to where he heard the voice. There was nothing there but a tree.
"Alice!" Hatter yelled as he hugged the tree. Behind him, Alice appeared and saw him hugging the tree. She smiled and hugged the other side of the tree. Hatter opened his eyes and saw Alice.
"Alice!" Hatter finally said.
"Hello Hatter. It's been a while hasn't it." Alice said.
"You look different." Hatter said. "But you still have your muchness!" Hatter broke out into a grin. "Let's go back to my tea party, I have lots of new friends I want you to meet." Alice nodded and smiled and followed Hatter back to the tea table.
o0o0o0o0o0o0o
"Huh, he wants to see his ex? He's crazy." Jack said.
"You don't think she'll be mad that you gave her bad directions do you?" Jack 2 asked. Jack froze.
"Or if she finds out you're not Johnny Depp, and you're really Jack Sparrow who pirated her ships." Jack 1 put in. Jack's eye twitched, and he attempted to sidle away.
"HEY, you gave me bad directions Johnny Depp." Alice yelled, having just got back to the tea table with Hatter. Jack inwardly cursed.
"Who in blimey is Johnny Depp, this is my Captain." Gibbs started, not seeing Jack furtive waves to stop. "Captain Jack Sparrow." Alice froze.
"You gave me bad directions, and a fake name? What a horrible person, I can't believe Hatter is friends with you." Alice said. Jack froze in hope. She didn't recognize his name.
"I assure you my good lady, I am nicer than I can seem. Savvy?" Jack said gallantly. The mini-mes turned their noses up at Alice for her rudeness. Alice rolled her eyes, not believing him for a second.
"Alice, we have a problem, the Red Queen and Stayne have been sighted, they attacked Gibbs here and probably kidnapped Jack's other friend." Hatter told Alice quickly. Jack twitched.
"I wouldn't say friend, maybe human shield or ship's pet. Something like that. Even Ship's charity case would work, Savvy?" Jack spoke up. The crew rolled their eyes. Hatter nodded and smiled big.
"Does the White Queen know?" Alice asked. Hatter nodded his head before thinking about, then shaking his head no.
"Well, it looks like you're going to have a small tour of Wonderland after all." Hatter said cheerfully. "We're going to the white castle where we will want the queen and try to figure out the Bloody Big-Head's plan is."
"Sounds fun, Barbossa has been lost, a moment of silence if you please people." Jack said, closing his eyes dramatically for barely a second before cheerfully swinging his hat on his head.
"Let's go. Lead the way Hat-Man" Jack said happily. Hatter nodded and set off into the woods.
"Hatter, it's the other way." Alice spoke up. Hatter did a 180 and marched madly onward.
"You'll just love the white castle, its so pretty and shiny and the decoration is just superb." Hatter said in one breath, but he lost Jack at decorations. After all, Jack was a pirate.
"Decorations he says, I'm betting there are many pocket sized items for me just waiting to be borrowed without permission." Jack mumbled to his mini-mes.
"Just be careful, don't get caught like the time in Singapore. They still don't let you roam without a guard there." Jack 2 said. Jack nodded.
"Aye, why does it always have to be the same guard, he seems to have an unhealthy infatuation with me, not to mention my fine derriere, savvy?" Jack muttered unhappily.
"At least he has good taste." Jack 1 said, while Jack bit his fingernail nervously. "Just don't ever end up in jail with him."
"And this is the white castle." Hatter announced as he suddenly stopped his step, causing Jack who hadn't been listening to walk into him and create a multi-pirate pileup. This lasted for several minutes and needed the help of some castle card guards. Finally everyone was separated and back on their feet. Jack was the first to brush himself off and pretend that nothing had happened.
Gibbs got up a second later and continued to have dizziness. Pintel and Ragetti somehow had ended up switching shoes, which neither had noticed, except Pintel felt he had too much room in his weather torn shoes, and Ragetti felt as if he was being strangled. Yet neither thought anything of it. Jack the monkey was screeching indignantly at Jack 2, who had landed on him. Jack 2 blew a raspberry at the monkey and ran to the safety of Jack's shoulder, where Jack 1 was already sitting.
Marty had the misfortune to fall next to Hatter, and he rushed and fought with tooth and claw to be as far away from him as possible. In Marty's struggle, he knocked Cotton back down and Cotton attempted to curse at the youngster, but his tongue had been taken years ago, yet Cotton's parrot knew exactly what he meant to say, and said it for him. Hatter heard this and gasped from his position on the ground and looked desperately for Marty to preserve his innocence.
"MARTY!" Hatter called desperately in slow motion. Marty heard this and ran faster. Jack was still standing in stillness and had one eye was opened barely and the other was extra wide open. Most likely due to the craziness that was his crew. Alice had managed to restrain Hatter from going after Marty. Will had taken advantage of the commotion to trip Elizabeth. Elizabeth in turn screeched at him and kicked him. The two got into what could barely be called a catfight. Finally, Jack had had enough.
"SHUT UP. ALL OF YOU. CAN'T ANY OF YOU DO A SINGLE THING WITHOUT CAUSING MAYHEM OF ALL KINDS. NEXT PERSON TO DO THAT WILL BE HANGED BY YOURS TRULY, SAVVY?" Jack yelled. Jacks 1 and 2 winced due to the close proximity to Jack, everyone else stopped all shenanigans and stood up like the normal people they could only pretend to be.
"I believe I am the only one who has the authority to hang someone in this land." A soft voice said. Jack twitched. He would bloody well hang someone if he bloody wanted to bloody hang someone. Savvy? He turned to see a shining figure of white. So shining that Jack really couldn't see anything. Alice and Hatter seemed to be used to it, but Jack's crew definitely wasn't.
"Ahhhh my eyes!"
"The aliens arrived."
"THE DARKEST HOUR HAS COME!" This last dramatic yell had come from Gibbs. Everyone stopped to stare at Gibbs, who then shrugged.
"I assure you, I am no alien." The white queen Mirana said, slightly confused.
"Well your royal Hiney, I am Captain Jack Sparrow, come with dire warning of the Red Queen." Jack said smoothly, before any more chaos could be unleashed. Mirana nodded gracefully and motioned the entire group to follow her while turning and smiling in a slightly benign smile that looked more like an awkward grimace. Jack smiled at his own skill at speech and followed with his typical swagger, he was in, the mother lode was sure to be nearby. Hatter and Alice immediately followed. The rest of the crew, with a gleam in their eye followed.
"So, Mrs. Hiney, Nice place you got here." Jack said. Hatter laughed and snorted to his hearts content and Jack smiled winningly. Gibbs rolled his eyes. Will and Elizabeth continued to insult each other under their breath. Marty stayed his distance from Hatter, Pintel and Ragetti we're nowhere to be seen, neither were Cotton's parrot or Jack the monkey. Cotton was being his typical quiet self. Alice was giving Jack a weird look.
"Yes, it is very nice, but you said you had dire news?" Mirana said, attempting to get to the point quickly, Jack really did not smell very appealing. Hatter decided to take over the conversation.
"Jack and his crew landed here not long ago and one of his crewmates," Hatter paused at Jack's thunderous expression, "Um, Ship Charity Case, had gone missing." Jack nodded his approval and Hatter continued. "Jack sent his first mate after him, that's Gibbs, over there, the one with chubby cheeks and sideburns," Hatter pointed at the surprised Gibbs, "After the Ship Charity Case, then we heard a yell and followed the noise to the source which was Gibbs unconscious."
"And then when we finally awoke him, he told us that he had been knocked out by two people with the descriptions of the Red Queen and Stayne. I'm assuming they also have the Ship Charity Case as he was the first to yell. Oh, and they are also missing a mystic by the name of Tia Dalma." Hatter finished. Mirana thought for a second.
"Dark skin, black dreadlocks, strange marking on her face?" Mirana asked. Jack nodded cheerfully.
"Yep, that's her, have you seen her?"
"No, never heard of her." Mirana said airily. "We'll comb the forests in the morning, she must have a hideaway nearby. Until then, enjoy your stay." Mirana nodded then left. Jack looked at her and followed when everyone's back was turned. Hatter and Alice headed toward the royal guest suite and all the smart members of the crew followed. Sadly, this equaled zero. No members of the crew were smart enough to follow the people who knew where they were going.
"So, what now." Gibbs sighed. Jack, Pintel, and Ragetti had disappeared, also the non-human members of the crew were nowhere to be seen. Marty was just happy to be away from Hatter, and Cotton was speechless without his parrot. But as they were pirates, their instincts won out and the three went their separate to pillage and plunder and enflame and ignite.
Meanwhile, Jack was on his mission to raid the Queen's room, this would take stealth and general awesomeness. Jacks 1 and 2 had been his scouts, one was sitting on Mirana herself, and the other was checking all hallways in front of Jack to make sure no pesky guards would interfere with the natural order of things. Jack sometimes cursed the day his mini-mes showed up, but sometimes, they were pretty useful.
"All clear, target found her room." Jack 2 shouted from Mirana's shoulders. Sometimes it was good to be a figment of someone's imagination, no one else could hear you. Jack 1 quickly ran from hallway to hallway, marking the way with some figment charcoal. Jack wasn't sure if anyone could see charcoal that his figments produced, but with his current luck, probably not. The way was clear and Jack called back his figment and made his jolly way back to Hatter, seeing as he was the only one who knew about this place.
o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o
Jack 1: The authoress is very sorry for the long wait, but things are going to be faster and she will not give up.
Jack 2: And she does not and will never own any part of POTC.
Jack: So just leave a review so I can get on to the liberating the shinys. Savvy?