Ghosts of the Past

Sebastian lay beside his love and looked at her face. "Thank you my Rosaleen, for bearing this with me. There is some truth in my mother's words. 'Burdens shared are burdens lightened.' But there are nights when I simply wish to weep. Not in anger or sorrow or frustration, but I simply wish to weep. And I cannot, for if I did, would I be ready for what is to come or would I be able to stop right now."

Briar looked up at him and her soft hand caressed his cheek. "You have much knowledge of the world, like your mother and father and your grandparents." She said gently. "He who increases knowledge increases sorrow."

Sebastian laughed softly, the sound wry and sad as well as humorous. "Now you are sounding more and more like my uncle."

Briar smiled up at him and drew him down to her gently. "If you love him, that cannot be a bad thing." She whispered. "Come love, sleep, or if you cannot sleep, we'll find a way to pass the time."

Sebastian kissed her forehead and his fingers gently traced her cheek. "What would I do without you my Rose?" He asked with a smile.

The bard slid a hand into his thick gold curls and pulled him a bit closer. "I imagine you'd be wenching at a tavern right about now, had we not met." She teased brushing her lips over his. "Instead of making love to me." Gently she arched up to him and her breasts rubbed over his chest. The distraction she offered was a powerful one and Sebastian let himself become lost in it for the rest of the night.

Sebastian fought with Dragon, his staff twirling, trying to keep from getting his head bashed in as his own muscles protested his movements. Briar and Lorelei had become mired in the tedious, though delightful, business of being fitted for their bride gowns and thus were not practicing with their blades this morning. Asrai hadn't arrived either and Sebastian frowned thoughtfully, getting a smack in his sore ribs for his trouble.

"Hold." He gasped out and leaned on the staff. Looking up at Dragon he wheezed ironically. "Maybe you ought to teach me?"

"Are you all right?" Dragon inquired in concern. "Your ribs still bother you don't they."

Sebastian stiffened as he heard his brother's step in the hall and he brought his staff up, attacking Dragon with renewed ferocity. Ignoring Andreas as the crown prince entered Sebastian forced Dragon to defend himself.

Unfortunately his strength wasn't up to his enthusiasm and Dragon got past his guard again. This time it was the warrior mage who said. "Hold," in an extremely annoyed tone of voice. "Sebastian, if your ribs bother you, you ought to see a priest. Or at least rest them for a while before rushing into battle again."

Sebastian taking deep gasps of air shook his head and jerked his gaze towards his brother who had muttered a semi unintelligible comment. The younger prince scowled with such ferocity that even Dragon took a step back. "What did you say?" He hissed out furiously.

Andreas turned and looked at him. "I said. 'Maybe a few broken ribs will keep him from putting his nose where it isn't needed.' Did you hear me that time little brother?" He inquired mockingly.

Sebastian's eyes grew dark and his fists clenched. "I beg your pardon?" He said taking a step towards his brother. "I put my nose in?" He glared at Andreas. "Let me think Andreas, you came back from the Western Heart and refuse to speak of it. I have three sisters breaking their hearts over you. I'm sick to death because I'm your brother, and you won't even talk to me. Mother and Father are worried beyond belief. You're right. It's none of my business. I nearly lose a brother, people in my family are dead and old friends whom we've known all our lives have left. My brother returns and I can see there are no scars on his body, but it's pretty evident that something else has cut deep. And don't think anyone in this family failed to notice it! Don't think anyone didn't notice your behavior. I was going half out of my mind as you hopped merrily through the beds of the court ladies! You came back from New Beregost determined to bed every woman in Cormyr seemingly! The gods only know what you were trying to prove! Darew was worried to near distraction trying to figure out how to protect you and your privacy."

"Don't speak his name." Andreas hissed out the words.

"Why? Because he's dead?" Sebastian shouted at his brother finally. "I've got news for you Andreas. He was my friend too! And you know what? I miss him! I miss talking about him. But I don't dare because it might disturb you."

"Oh, so now its all my fault, put everything on me!" Andreas retorted. "Very clever." He shook his head. "It doesn't change the fact that you were wrong!"

"Wrong?" Sebastian looked up and then around the room. "I was wrong? Let me tell you something, my oh so wise and moralistic older brother. Future king and thank the gods, better you than me. In the past years Maggie has prevented your death at least ten times. She doesn't talk about it much, hardly at all unless its necessary so gods only know what else she's protected you from, courtiers who manipulate politics, or encourage foolish behavior in an effort to sabotage the future king. She slept beside you, guarded you and you know what? Surprise, you're still fucking alive, though not too happy about it apparently. So how was I wrong? Should I have told you? Perhaps, that was my mistake, but you didn't seem too eager to inquire. And you weren't talking to me, don't forget. It's a little difficult to say, 'oh by the way, the lady you're seeing is one of my Echoes', she's going to keep you from getting murdered in your sleep."

"You son of a…" Andreas breathed.

"Don't say it!" Sebastian snapped. "Don't you dare insult our mother again! By the way Andreas, I never threw Maggie into your bed. She wasn't brought here to be your lover. She doesn't get paid for that by the way, only the standard salary of all my Echoes, so she's never been your whore, regardless of how you choose to see it. I didn't exactly have a swarm of women spies so that you would inevitably choose one of them to warm your bed, even temporarily." He shook his head. "Maggie was afraid she wouldn't be allowed to be intimate with you, that it might compromise her duties. She thanked me for not interfering."

"Not interfering?" Andreas gasped in outrage.

"Yes." Sebastian returned. "You see, had you chosen to overlook her, I would have figured something else out to guard you, but you would have been guarded make no mistake about that." He looked his brother up and down. "By the way Andreas, exactly how do you think the rest of us feel about Katrina and Sylvan, and our other cousins? We miss them too. We love them." He shook his head. "Instead of being such a selfish fool, did you ever think that Kat gave up a lot more than you did? You at least still had a family to come home to. She lost everything, including you." He took a step back, his anger receding. "You know something? I'm sorry Andreas. Because I did the best I could, but apparently that's not good enough for you. Am I ever going to be?" He turned and left the room, favoring the side that had taken not one but two blows.

Andreas started after him and stared up at Dragon as the warrior placed himself in front of the crown prince. "Now, it's my turn." Dragon said gently. "Get a staff, we can talk as we spar."

Andreas obeyed numbly, blocking and attacking Dragon like an automaton. Eventually his mind cleared enough to pay closer attention to his partner and he looked at Dragon inquiringly.

"First." Dragon attacked fiercely. "You won't like to hear this but he's right." He shrugged as Andreas face grew dark and stormy. "Respect your elders and at least hear me out." Andreas nodded shortly and Dragon grinned his thanks. "And I suspect you half agree with me or you would have started hitting him again."

Andreas scowled but simply returned Dragon's attack with one of his own, his staff thumping against Dragon's. "Second." The warrior mage said. "You told me once that Sebastian doesn't love you or need you. I think the argument the two of you just had proves otherwise. He needs your approval, your respect. He also needs your help, and your love."

Andreas looked at him inquiringly, inviting the older half elf to elaborate. "Let's see…" Dragon said thoughtfully. "You've said that Sebastian has everything, that everything comes easily to him right?" He gestured for the prince to stop attacking and sat down on the mat, motioning for Andreas to do the same. "Well he's having, especially in his opinion, a devil of a time learning magic. His first tutor was human, and a more close minded son of a snake you've never met." He rolled his eyes. "Most half elves access the Weave better with a mix of human and elven magic. Raden sent me his appreciation, because I am tutoring your brother now. It goes slowly, but he's improving. It's a struggle for him, he doesn't particularly like magic, not like your two sisters."

Andreas took a deep breath as if to speak and then shook his head, saying nothing. Dragon looked at him but shrugged and then said. "You seem to think that Sebastian is always the one giving…you always receiving. You want more balance. Well who was it who came all the way to Aeliara from Suzail, to find out why Briar was making your little brother miserable? You and Lorelei, and I suspect you were the one who suggested that trip? And you let your brother know what was going on afterwards. It might have taken years to undo the damage if you had ignored the situation. And, you have been in love before, you're the voice of experience. And you are the sympathetic ear, since he can hardly talk to me about my sister."

Dragon smiled. "By the way, if you hadn't taken it in your head to play matchmaker, it might have been another few years before I worked up the courage to inquire after Lorelei's affections." He rose clapping Andreas on the shoulder. "Speaking of which, I'm due at the tailor's for a fitting." He grimaced. "I'd better bathe first I think. I've enjoyed chatting with you Andreas, but then I usually do." He set his staff against the wall and smiled. "I'll see you later."

Andreas shook his head, standing slowly to replace his staff. The one time he had been able to do something for his brother, was so small in comparison to all Sebastian did for him constantly. All it seemed to do was emphasize how little Sebastian needed him. Sebastian didn't seem to want to be king, but he would be a better one than Andreas. What kind of a king could he be, the prince wondered, when he couldn't get along without his little brother's help. A weak one, most likely, not good enough for Cormyr, he told himself. A sigh escaped him. No matter how he looked at it, Sebastian didn't really need him, and neither did Cormyr really.

Briar sighed slightly and looked up at her father. Vidan, true to his word, had gladly acted as a go-between for Briar and her mother. Merrila had been unable to visit the capital since the night of the play, but she sent letters often through Vidan and her enthusiasm for attending the wedding was running almost rampant.

"What ails thee my daughter?" Vidan inquired gently. "Your spirit is shrouded and this should be a happy time for you. You are to marry the man you love, who loves you."

Briar tried to smile and then shrugged. "Yes. And when I think of marrying Sebastian, I feel nothing but joy. It is the situation lately." At her father's inquiring look she explained that Andreas and Sebastian had fought. "The mood in the palace is of suppressed tension. No one is completely happy, Dragon, Lorelei and I are worried to death. I know Sebastian's parents are concerned as well."

Vidan nodded. "I'm sure Sebastian is upset by it also." His eyebrows rose inquiringly and when she nodded his mouth quirked wryly. "Your betrothed has too kind a heart to be unmoved by his brothers rage." He wrapped an arm around his daughter and shook his head. "I don't know what to tell you daughter, it is for the two of them to resolve."

"I know." Briar whispered. "That is what worries me. What if Andreas doesn't care if it is resolved. He is so angry Father, and not only with Sebastian, but with the world it seems."

Vidan gently pulled his daughter into a hug and kissed the top of her smooth shining hair. "Pray to the Dark Maiden, ask her for patience to endure and perhaps she will grant the brothers some of her wisdom." He advised. "I think you have been too long without dancing."

"Perhaps." Briar conceded. "Lady Shen and her Lord Elaith are here." She smiled up at her father changing the subject to a brighter one. "Shall I go with you to see if they would like some tea and to make music?"

Vidan smiled. "Please."

"Why won't you see reason?" Lorelei snapped.

"Why do you want me to apologize for something your twin has done?" Sebastian retorted. He folded his arms regarded his older sister in annoyance. "I'm finally getting past the 'pain when I move' stage. So now you want me to approach him and say: 'Oh, Andreas, its all right that you beat me bloody, I'm really sorry that you're so angry at the world and at me, feel free to take it out on me whenever you like.' I'm sorry, but I don't think so Lorelei."

"That's not what I want." His sister sighed. "I just want this resolved. It's driving us all crazy. I hardly see Asrai anymore, she and Faith are always at the theatre. Mother and Father just look at all of us and don't say a word beyond what's polite. Briar and I are going insane with the wedding. It's like an avalanche coming down a mountain, huge and unstoppable if it gets out of hand."

"Leelee," Sebastian hugged his tiny sister and stroked her hair, calling her by the nickname their father had given her. "I know this is hard for all of us. But I already gave him an apology of sorts. I told him that I was sorry, I could only do my best. Ask Dragon if you like, he was there for it. I'm also not that angry with him now, not for what he did to me. He upset Briar and I'm annoyed about that mostly."

"Then why is this going on still?" Lorelei muttered her question from within his hug.

"Because it is as I said. He isn't angry only with me." Sebastian told her. "And until he knows why he is so angry and does something about it, he won't be willing to resolve this."

From within his arms he heard his sister crying quietly and he sighed. "I'm sorry Leelee, if I knew what to do I would do it."

Maggie looked up from her dressing table and smiled at Andreas as he entered her chamber. "I can only imagine the state your dressing room is in." She teased. "You must fling your clothing everywhere to arrive here so quickly."

Andreas' smile was amused and slightly sad as he let the secret door slide shut behind him. "Does my eagerness to hold you offend my lady?" He returned as he moved towards her.

Her bright gaze was affectionate as she rose to gently kiss him in greeting. "It flatters me." She murmured. "My dear friend." She brushed her lips over his cheek and mouth. "Can I do anything for you?"

Andreas sighed and wrapped his arms around her, burying his face in her strawberry scented curls. "I'm sorry." He spoke into her hair. "I want to hold you, and talk…" In spite of his closeness with Maggie, he hadn't been able to make love to her again. He couldn't seem to muster any emotion more powerfully than his anger. Holding her at night was comforting to both of them though, and she seemed to understand that his inability had nothing to do with her. He held her each night and in spite of knowing he could never marry her, almost wished he could fall in love with this gentle woman if only so he could feel something again besides rage. At least he was not so far gone as to try to use that to fuel his passions. Better to hold her and reassure her of his friendship and affection. Feeling more than that for any woman beside Katrina seemed impossible.

Gently she pulled back from him and shook her head. "Andreas, my dear do not apologize." She led him to her bed and let her hands slide the lapels of his robe apart. "I treasure being in your arms. You are my friend. Sex is not the only bond between us, simply a pleasurable one." Pushing the garment off his shoulders she laid it over the padded bench at the foot of her bed.

Andreas watched as she threw her own robe on top of his and admired the curves of her body through the simply cut negligee she wore. As she pulled the coverlet down and turned to smile at him he shook his head. "It isn't fair to you, to deprive you, because I am unable to feel." He took her hand and kissed it gently, holding her fingers to his lips. "Maggie, dearest you know it is not you, I care for you, but something…holds me."

The beautiful spy regarded him with a tiny smile on her lips. Since the first night they'd talked, Andreas had resumed spending his nights with her, allowing her to protect him. All they had done was hold each other. Since he had fought with his brother, something had held Andreas back from making love to her again. It was as if all the strength he had was holding his anger in check. She wondered if it was his anger or his fear that prevented him from enjoying her body. "I know my friend. My dear Andreas, don't worry." Her hand slid from his to cup his cheek. "I understand. Trust me, I understand better than you know." She sat upon the bed and slid under the sheets. "Now come let me hold you, and know that joy, until you are ready to be with me again."

Andreas' mouth jerked into a rueful smile. "You realize that once whatever chains my passions is gone you and I will be in this bed for quite some time? If you haven't completely lost patience with me by that time, that is." He climbed into the bed beside her and took her into his arms.

Maggie chuckled sleepily and snuggled into his shoulder. "Andreas, you may find yourself ravaged I am so eager for you. Now sleep my dear, you need your rest." The prince kissed the top of her curly head and closed his eyes with a sigh.

The two of them lay in each other's embrace and Maggie heard his breathing deepen, thinking he was already asleep. A few seconds later she heard him say softly. "Her name was Katrina."

The lady spy knew instinctively that Andreas was referring to the lady she'd instinctively known he'd lost in the Western Heart. "You loved her." She murmured the half question half statement.

"Yes." His voice was low and confused, and pained. He hesitated a moment, his arms tightening around her as if in a shrug. "Maggie, I don't know what to do." His torment was evident, in his voice a reluctance to admit weakness with genuine inability to take action. "I cannot forget that I loved her, still love her, but I cannot remain as I am."

Maggie reached up and gently stroked his face, feeling a trail of moisture over his cheek, the tears he couldn't shed freely in daylight. "Andreas, you have spoken her name, to someone other than yourself. That alone is a step forward." She told him softly. "You're in pain."

He almost snorted with a wry laugh. "Obviously." Dark humor mixed with the other roiling emotions within him.

"My friend." Maggie lifted her head so she could face him. "The more you admit how much pain you are in, the more you are able to begin healing. A wound that is hidden and festering must be opened before it can be healed."

"Maggie, I just…I don't want to have to forget about her." Andreas' voice was anguished at the thought of treating Katrina in such a way.

"No one says you must." She whispered. "But if you wish to heal, then acceptance of the way things are comes first. Don't forget, never forget her, but let your love become a part of your whole, rather than an external object that wounds."

"I don't understand." Andreas admitted in a raw voice.

"You will never stop loving her, but you can let your love subside from the powerful force it is now, the force that hurts you, to a warm place in your heart." Maggie said softly. "You need to let yourself heal, but you seem to think that if you let your love stop aching, you will forget. You don't need pain to remember her Andreas. And if you loved her, something tells me she would be the first to show you that."

"I will think on your words Maggie." Andreas whispered hoarsely. "I thank you for them, and your compassion."

"I am glad to try and help you my friend." She told him gently, snuggling down in his embrace again. "Love comes in many forms. Unexpectedly like lightening, slowly like a seed of harvest, and what we have also, friendship. Take comfort in our friendship if you can."

"I do." He rested his cheek on her hair, letting the tears he'd tried to restrain trickle down his face. "More than you can possibly know.

TBC