Heaven and Hell
"You want Genna? Why?" Adonia asked in disbelief.
"Out of the way," Uriel said, stepping towards her.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, I know she's wiretapping your angel chats or whatever, but it's no reason to gank her," Dean said defensively.
"Don't worry. I'll kill her gentle," Uriel said with a grin.
"You're some heartless sons of bitches, you know that," Adonia said, tuning into Dean's feelings and use of words.
"As a matter of fact, we are. And?" Castiel added honestly.
"And? Genna's an innocent girl," Sam protested.
"She is far from innocent," Castiel said.
"What's that supposed to mean? You don't even know her," Adonia said defensively.
"It means she's worse than this abomination Sam's been screwing. Now, give us the girl." Adonia's veins began to show prominently. Dean put his hand on her shoulder to calm her.
"Sorry. Get yourself another one. Try JDate."
"Who's gonna stop us? You three? Or this demon whore?" Uriel throws Ruby against the wall and tries to use his powers to kill her. Dean interfers and attacks him, but he's losing. Castiel starts to walk towards the back room with Adonia in his way.
"Cas, stop...please," she said desperately with tears in her eyes. He took his two fingers and gently touched her forehead. She collapsed to the floor. Suddenly, a bright light filled the room and the angels disappeared. Everyone got up, confused. They opened the back door to find Genna hands and wrists covered in blood, weak.
"Genna, Genna!" Dean grabbed her before she fainted and sat her down in front of a mirror she was standing in front of.
"Are they- are they gone?" She asked.
"Did you kill them?" He asked, noticing a symbol on the mirror.
"No. I sent them away...far away."
"You want to tell me how?"
"That just popped in my head. I don't know how I did it. I just did it."
Adonia sat on the couch with Genna to dress her wounds. She wanted to shake her head and scold her not to scare her like that again, but it was obvious Genna wasn't herself.
"So what do you think?" Dean asked as Sam came back into the cabin from checking the perimeter.
"I think Genna's situation is getting more interesting by the second."
"Yeah, I agree. And what did they mean by 'she's not innocent'?" Adonia began to use her telepathic powers to listen on the conversation.
"It seems like they want her bad, and not just 'cause of the angel radio thing. I mean, that blood spell - Some serious crap, man."
"I know. I mean, I know she's a witch and all, but this is different. See what you can find out."
"What are you gonna do?" Sam asked his brother.
"Genna may have sent the angels to the outfield, but, sooner or later, they're gonna be back. We got to get ourselves safe now," Dean looked at Genna with worried eyes before leaving out the door.
The hunters knew the best place to go would be Bobby's. They stood in Bobby's panic room, except for Ruby. Genna was propped up in a chair with her knees to her chin.
"Iron walls drenched in salt. Demons can't even touch the joint," Dean explained in a mild mocking fashion. He figured he should reexplain things to her due to her loss of memory.
"Which I find racist, by the way," Ruby added from outside the door.
"Write the congressmen," Adonia said with a smart tone. Ruby ignored her.
"Here," Ruby threw Dean and Adonia a couple of bags.
"Hex bags?" Adonia questioned.
"Extra-crunchy. They'll hide us from angels, demons, all comers."
"Thanks, Ruby," Dean said sincerely, but also surprised. He turned to Genna.
"Don't lose this. So, Gen, what's playing on angel radio? Anything useful?"
"It's quiet. Dead silence."
"Good. That's not troubling at all," Dean said sarcastically.
"We're in trouble, huh? You guys are scared?" Dean turned back to Adonia.
"Nah," he said with a big smile.
"Hey, Dean, Addie!"
"Stay here, okay?" Dean asked Genna. She nodded her head.
"Keep an eye on her," Dean told Ruby. Dean and Adonia went out into the kitchen to see what Sam found out.
"What'd you find out?" Dean asked.
"Not much. Her parents are David and Rose Belacqua, a pediatrician and school teacher."
"Riveting," Dean commented. Adonia elbowed him lightly.
"Yeah. But there is something here in the report. Turns out this latest psych episode wasn't her first."
"What are you talking about?" Adonia asked, certainly surprised to hear about it. It was then that she realized that there were so many details about Genna's life that she didn't know about. Yes, they came to each other about their problems, helped each other throughout college, and knew a little bit about their backgrounds, but nothing too deep.
"When she was 2 1/2, she'd get hysterical any time her dad got close. She was convinced that he wasn't her real daddy."
"Who was? The plumber, hmm? A little snaking the pipes?" Dean joked.
"Dean, shut up," Adonia said seriously.
"Dude, you're confusing reality with porn again. Look, Anna didn't say. She just kept repeating that this real father of hers was mad. Very mad, like wanted-to-kill-her mad."
"Kind of heavy for a 2 year old," Dean added.
"Well, she saw a kid's shrink, got better, and grew up normal...until she was 17. Ended up in a mental ward and busted out. Apparently, she was talking about angels and the apocalypse. Since Gen and her parents are on good terms now, I'll say she went back to them and they sent her off to school to get away from everything."
"How does she not remember any of this? What is she hiding?" Adonia was so confused that a couple of questions weren't enough to get her head straight.
"Why don't you ask me yourself?" Genna asked, sounding aggravated.
"Nice job watching her," Dean said to Ruby.
"I'm watching her," she said innocently.
"No, you're right, Genna. Is there anything you want to tell us?" Sam asked kindly.
"About what?"
"The angels said you were guilty of something. Why would they say that?"
"You tell me. Tell me why my life has been leveled...why you all clearly know who I am, but I have no remembrance of any of you. I don't know. I swear. I would give anything to know." Adonia thought for a moment.
"Okay. Then let's find out," Adonia said.
"How?"
Dean came down the stairs to Bobby's basement with the now blind Pamela.
"We're here," he announced loud enough for them to hear.
"Pamela, hey," Sam greeted her.
"Sam?"
"Yeah. It's Sam. It's me." Pamela reached for his face.
"Oh. Know how I can tell," she grabbed Sam's ass, "that perky little ass of yours. You could bounce a nickel off that thing. Of course I know it's you, grumpy. Same way I know that's a demon, and that poor girl's Anna and that you've been eyeing my rack." Sam looked away embarrassed.
"Don't sweat it, kiddo. I still got more senses than most got it," she walked over to Genna, "Hey, Genna. How are you? I'm Pamela." Dean had already told her that Genna's memory has been a little blotchy.
"Hi," Genna said sweetly as Pamela took her hands.
"Dean told me what's been going on. I'm excited to help."
"Oh. That's nice of you."
"Oh, well, not really. Any chance I can dick over an angel, I'm taking it."
"Why?"
"They stole something from me.," she took off her sunglasses to reveal pure white eyes, "Demon-y, I know. But they're just plastic. Good for business. Makes me look extra-psychic, don't you think?" Genna laughed.
"Now...how about you tell me what your deal is? Hmm? Don't you worry." She said as she led Genna into the panic room. Genna laid down on the bed. Everyone stood around, watching from every corner.
"Nice and relaxed. Now, I'm going to count down from five to zero. When we're at zero, you'll be in a deep state of hypnosis. As I count down, just go deeper and deeper, okay? 5...4...3...2...1. Deep sleep. Deep sleep. Every muscle calm and relaxed." Genna's hand dropped slowly to the side of the bed.
"Can you hear me?" Pamela asked when she knew Genna was asleep.
"I can hear you," Genna said softly.
"Now, Genna, tell me... How can you hear the angels? How did you work that spell?"
"I don't know. I just did."
"Your father, what's his name?"
"David Belacqua."
"All right. But I want you to look further back, when you were very young...just a couple of years old."
"I don't want to," Genna responded quickly. She began to stir.
"It'll be okay. Genna, just one look. That's all we need."
"No."
"What's your dad's name? Your real dad. Why is he angry at you?"
"No. No! No!" The electricity started fading in and out and she screamed more. She arched her back to the ceiling and laid back down.
"Calm down," Pamela told her calmly. Adonia began to get nervous.
"He's gonna kill me!" The iron door suddenly closed, shuting Ruby out.
"Genna, you're safe," Pamela assured her. Lights began to burst within the room and Genna sat up screaming.
"No!"
"Genna, calm down. He's not going to kill you." Dean's worry took over and tried to grab her.
"Dean, don't," Pamela warned. But Genna had already thrown him off of her, breaking a chair. Pamela stood above her.
"Wake in 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Genna...Genna, are you alright?" The noises and movements stopped, Genna was calm. Adonia was shaking in shock, covering her mouth.
"Thank you, Pamela. That helped a lot. I remember now."
"Remember what?" Adonia asked.
"Who I am." Dean, Sam, and Adonia became alert.
"I'll bite. Who are you," Dean asked.
"I'm an angel."
"Don't be afraid. I'm not like the others," Genna told Ruby.
"I don't find that very reassuring." They now stood in Bobby's living room.
"Neither do I," Pamela added, regretting helping an angel.
"So...Castiel, Uriel, they're the ones that came for me?"
"You know them?" Adonia asked.
"We were kind of in the same foxhole."
"So, what, they're like your bosses or something?"
"Try the other way around," she said with a sheepish grin.
"Look at you," Dean commented.
"But now they want to kill you?" Pamela asked trying to get it straight.
"Orders are orders. I'm sure I have a death sentence on my head."
"I'm not gonna let that happen," Adonia sighed, "But why?"
"I disobeyed... Which, for us, is about the worst thing you can do. I fell."
"Meaning?"
"She fell to earth, became human. In other words, a fallen angel," Adonia said, finally understanding.
"Wait a minute. I don't understand. So, angels can just become human?" Sam asked.
"It kind of hurts. Try cutting your kidney out with a butter knife. That kind of hurt. I ripped out my grace."
"Come again?" Dean asked.
"My grace. It's...energy. Hacked it out and fell. My mother, Rose, couldn't get pregnant. Always called me her little miracle. She had no idea how right she was."
"So, you just forgot that you were God's little Power Ranger?"
"The older I got, the longer I was human, yeah."
"I guess by the time we met in college, you forgot it all. Except for that little episode you had right before. But I guess some secrets are better left unsaid," Adonia said, unsure of what their friendship really was.
"Addie, I wanted a fresh start. Do what I wanted to do, make friends," they smiled to each other, "but yes, eventually, I did forget."
"I don't think you all appreciated how completely screwed we are," Ruby interrupted.
"Ruby's right. Heaven wants me dead."
"And hell just wants her. A flesh-and-blood angel that you can question, torture, that bleeds. Sister, you're the Stanley cup. And sooner or later, heaven or hell, they're gonna find you."
"I know and that's why I have to find it."
"What?" Adonia asked.
"My grace. I can either take it back or destory it."
"You can do that?" Dean asked.
"If I can find it."
"So, what, you're just gonna take some divine bong hit, and, shazam, you're Roma Downey?" Genna laughed.
"Something like that."
"All right. I like this plan. So, where's this grace of yours?"
"Lost track. I was falling about 10,000 miles per hour at the time."
"Wait, you mean falling, literally?" Sam asked. He was still amazed by the "fallen angel" concept.
"Yes," she answered.
"Like the way a human eye can see? Like a comet maybe or a meteor?"
"Why do you ask," Genna asked with a skeptical look. Sam took out some old books and magazines.
"Here. In September '82, a meteorite vanished in the night sky over northwestern Ohio. It was sighted nine months before Genna was born, and she was born in that part of Ohio."
"You're pretty buff for a nerd," Ruby commented. Sam ignored her comment.
"Look, I think it was Genna and here, same time - another meteor over Kentucky."
"And that's her grace?" Ruby asked.
"Might be."
"All right. That just narrows it down to an entire state."
"Look, it's a start," Adonia commented. Ruby turned to her and looked back at Sam. She put her hand on his back in spite, knowing Adonia was in view.
"Sam, I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"For bringing you this mess. If I had known, I would have kept my trap shut."
"Yeah, well, we'll muddle through," Adonia said.
"Not this time. You do not want to get between these two armies. It's Godzilla and Mothra. If one side doesn't get us, the other one will."
"So, what do you want to do? Dump Genna and run? Forget it. Look, I know the angels freak you out," Sam stood as he spoke to her.
"Forget the angels. It's Alastair I'm scared of."
"Alastair?"
"You met him in the church. Practically the grand inquisitor downstairs. Picasso with a razor."
"And?"
"And you should pull him out and throw him back in the pit... If you weren't so out of shape."
"Ruby..."
"No, your abilities - you're getting flabby."
"Yeah, so how do I tone up?" Adonia stood to chime in, but stopped.
"You know how. You know what you got to do."
"No, I'm not doing that anymore." A small smiled appeared on Adonia's face when she heard Sam say those words.
"Sam..." Ruby called disappointedly.
"I said no," he was stern.
"Well, then you better pray that Genna gets her groove back, or we're all dead."
Genna stood outside against one of Bobby's cars, staring at the night sky. Dean pulled up in the Impala.
"Pamela get home okay?" She asked as Dean appeared behind her.
"Yeah. She said she was sorry. It's just after last time, she, uh...this is just a little too rich for her blood."
"I don't blame her. You guys should do the same."
"Well, we're not that smart. Besides, we go back. I'm not leaving you behind," Genna shook her head very subtly at his stubborness, "can I ask you something? What do they want me for? Why did they save me?" Dean was now sitting on the car beside her.
"I'm sorry. The angels aren't talking about it. And it was after I fell. I'm about as up to speed as you are."
"That's another question. Why would you fall? Why would you want to be one of us?" Genna thought about it for a moment, but it wasn't a hard question for her to answer.
"You don't mean that."
"I don't? A bunch of miserable bastards...Eating, crapping, confused, afraid."
"I don't know. There's loyalty...forgiveness...love."
"Pain," Dean added.
"Chocolate cake," she said with a laugh.
"Guilt."
"Sex," Dean was surprised to hear the word come out of her mouth.
"Yeah, you got me there," he joked.
"I mean it. Every emotion, Dean, even the bad ones. It's why I fell. It's why...why I'd give anything not to have to go back. Anything."
"Feelings are overrated, if you ask me."
"Beats being an angel."
"How's that possible? You guys are powerful and perfect. You don't doubt yourselves or God or anything."
"Perfect... Like a marble statue. Cold... No choice... Only obedience. Dean, do you know how many angels have actually seen god? Seen his face?
"All of you?" He assumed.
"Four angels. Four. And I'm not one of them."
"That's it? Well, then how do you even know that there is a God?"
"We have to take it on faith...which we are killed if we don't have."
"I was stationed on earth 2,000 years. Just...watching. Silent, invisible, out on the road, sick for home, waiting on orders from an unknowable father I can't begin to understand. So don't tell me that-" Dean began to laugh.
"What is so funny? What?" She asked, slightly insulted for venting to him.
"Nothing. Sorry. It's just...I can relate." They looked at each other. Both thinking of his father, John.
"Hey," Adonia walked up cautiously, knowing she was interrupting.
"Did you guys find something," Dean asked.
"I think so."
Back in Bobby's living, Sam showed them a map.
"Union, Kentucky found some accounts of a local miracle."
"Yeah?" Dean asked for a further explanation.
"Yeah. In '82, there was an empty field outside of town. Six months later, there was a full-grown oak. They say it looks a century old at least."
"Gen, what do you think?" Dean asked as she stood over the map.
"The grace. Where it hit, it could have done something like that, easy."
"So grace ground zero- it's not destruction. it's..."
"Pure creation," she finished. Everyone looked at each other, knowing their next move.
Dean drove the Impala, of course. It was still night. Sam sat beside him in the front with Adonia, Genna, and Ruby in the backseat. Dean looked in the rearview mirror and laughed.
"What?" Ruby asked uncomfortably.
"Nothing. It's just an angel, a witch, and a demon riding in the backseat. It's like the setup to a bad joke...or a penthouse forum letter."
"Dude, reality," Sam said pointing to the rear view mirror, "Porn."
"You call this reality?"
By the time they reached the destination, it was morning. They parked in the field in view of the tree. It was large, tall, and full of life; practically glowing.
"It's beautiful," Adonia commented.
"It's where my grace touched down. I can feel it," Genna said, at the front of the group.
"You ready to do this," Dean asked.
"Not really." They walked up to the moss covered tree and Genna approached it.
"Gen, what are we even looking for," Sam asked. She looked at the tree longingly and gently placed her hand on it.
"It doesn't matter. It's not here. Not anymore. Someone took it."
At night, they all gathered in Bobby's stable.
"We still had the hex bags. I say we head back to the panic room," Dean suggested.
"What? Forever," Ruby asked with an attitude.
"I'm just thinking out loud!" He snapped back.
"Oh, you call that thinking?"
"Hey! Hey, hey, hey, stop it," Sam chimed in.
"Genna's grace is gone. You understand? She can't angel up. She can't protect us. We can't fight heaven and hell. One side maybe, but not both. Not at once." Genna leaned back on a table, staring ahead.
"Uhm...guys? The angels are talking again," Genna said.
"What are they saying," Adonia asked.
"It's weird, like a recording...a loop. It says, 'Dean Winchester gives us Genna by midnight, or...'"
"Or what," Dean asked.
"'or we hurl him back to damnation,'" she said, facing him. A look of shock and fear appeared on his face all at once.
"Genna, do you know of any weapon that works on an angel," Sam asked.
"To what? To kill them," she asked, appauled. Sam nodded.
"Nothing we could get to, not right now."
"Okay, wait, wait. I say we call Bobby. We get him back from hedonism."
"Dean, what's he gonna tell us that we don't already know," Sam asked.
"I don't know, but we got to think of something!" Dean was clearly afraid.
Dean went outside a looked over a book on his Impala in the woods. Genna walked up.
"Hey. Holding up okay," he asked her.
"Trying."
"Yeah."
"A little scared, I guess. So, uhm...Dean...I just wanted to thank you."
"For what?"
"Everything. You guys - you didn't have to help me-"
"Hey, let's can the 'thanks for trying' speech, you know? Participation trophies suck ass. Besides, you've helped us for three years. I think it's the least we can do," he said with a kind laugh.
"I don't know. Maybe I don't deserve to be saved," she said looking away.
"Don't talk like that." She turned back to him.
"I disobeyed. Lucifer disobeyed. It's our murder one, and I knew it. Maybe I got to pay."
"Yeah, well, we've all done things we got to pay for." She walked in front of him and leaned back on the Impala's hood.
"I got to tell you something. You're not gonna like it."
"Okay. What," he asked nervously.
"About a week ago, I heard the angels talking, about you. What you did in hell. Dean, I know," she placed her hand on the side of his face, "It wasn't your fault. You should forgive yourself."
"Genna, I don't w-want to, uh...I don't want to- I can't talk about that."
"I know. But when you can, you have people that want to help. You are not alone. That's all I'm trying to say." Genna slowly stood up and faced him. He watched her as she leaned in to kiss him gently. He closed his eyes for the short moment.
"What was that for?" He asked when she pulled apart.
"You know, our last night on earth. All that.," she said with a sheepish, but sweet smile.
"You're stealing my best line." He leaned back in for another kiss. For the first time, in a sweet and gentle way, Dean and Genna made love that night.
The previous night, Dean had dreamed with Uriel interfering. They talked about Genna, but Dean refused to give her up. He even risked going back to hell for her. He discovered that Uriel was the one that stole her grace. It was in a vile around his neck. The next morning, Dean, Sam, Genna, and Adonia waited in the stable. Dean was sitting down, drinking from a flask. Adonia sat on a worn table with her knees to her chin. Sam paced around the stable and Genna remained calm.
"I don't know guys. Where's Ruby," Sam asked, getting antsy.
"Hey, she's your hell buddy," Dean commented.
"Little early for that, isn't it," Genna asked, approaching Dean.
"It's 2am somewhere."
"You okay," she asked him.
"Yeah, of course," he said nervously. A gust of wind caused the stable doors to open, followed by Castiel and Uriel. Everyone stood in the middle of the stable, surrounding Genna for protection.
"Hello Genna. It's good to see you," Cas said to her.
"How? How did you find us?" Castiel looked at Dean. Dean was filled to the brim with guilt. Sam, Adonia, and Genna looked at Dean, realizing what Cas was referring to.
"Dean?" Adonia asked, implied of the real question, in disbelief. Dean turned to Genna with a glimpse of tears in his eyes.
"I'm sorry," he whispered to her. Genna looked at him, not with anger, but forgiveness.
"Why," Adonia asked with sadness in her voice.
"Because they gave him a choice. They either kill me...or kill both of you. I know how their minds work," she said looking at the angels. She turned to Dean and kissed him. Cas looked away in guilt. Adonia and Sam looked at the scene, confused. They realized that while they were sleeping last night, something must have happened between the two.
"You did the best you could. I forgive you," she said to Dean. She turned back to the angels.
"Okay. No more tricks. No more running. I'm ready."
"I'm sorry," Cas said sincerely.
"No. you're not. Not really. You don't know the feeling," she snapped back at him.
"Still, we have a history. It's just-"
"Orders are orders," she interrupted, "I know. Just make it quick." Tears grew in the hunters eyes.
"Don't you touch a hair on that poor girl's head," Alastair said from behind them. They turned around to find him, along with two other demons holding back Ruby. Her stomach was covered in blood, obvious from torture as she looked weak. Everyone stepped out of the way as Uriel stepped forward. The demons dropped Ruby to the side.
"How dare you come in this room. You pussing sore," Uriel said.
"Name-calling. That hurt my feelings, you sanctimonious, fanatical prick," Alastair snapped back.
"Turn around and walk away now," Cas warned.
"Sure. Just give us the girl. We'll make sure she gets punished good and proper."
"You know who we are and what we will do. I won't say it again. Leave now or we lay you to waste."
"I think I'll take my chances." A fight broke out between angels and demons. As Alastair and Castiel fought, Cas tried to exorcise him back to hell, but it didn't work. When Alastair held Cas down on the ground and began enchanting a spell in latin, Dean came up and hit the demon with a crowbar.
"Dean, Dean, Dean. You had such promise," the unharmed demon said. He extended his hand and Dean, Sam, and Adonia grabbed for their throats, unable to breath, and slowly kneeled on the floor. Genna turned to Uriel and saw her grace dangling from his neck. She quickly grabbed and smashed it against the ground. A glowing white smoke surrounded her feet and flowed into her mouth. She fell to her knees as her body began to glow.
"Shut your eyes," she warned, "Shut your eyes!" The orb glowed from every part of her body, including her eyes and mouth. The angels were the only ones that were able to witness the incident. With a gust of wind and the light vanished, Genna was gone and so were the demons, except for Ruby. Everyone stood and confronted each other. Dean picked up the knife Alastair left behind.
"Well, what are you guys waiting for? Go get Genna. Unless, of course, you're scared."
"This isn't over," Uriel warned. He walked towards Dean in a threatening way, but Cas stopped him.
"Oh, it looks over to me, junkless." The angels disappeared. Ruby walked over to them.
"You okay," Sam asked.
"Not so much."
"What took you so long to get here," Adonia asked.
"Sorry I'm late with the demon delivery. I was only being tortured."
"I got to hand it to you, Sammy. Bringing them all together all at once - angels and demons. It was a damn good plan."
"Yeah, well, when you got Godzilla and Mothra on your ass, best to get out of their way and let them fight."
"Yeah, now you're just bragging."
"So, I guess she's some big-time angel now, huh? She must be happy... Wherever she is."
"I doubt it," Adonia said as she walked away.
The hunters parked on the side of the road. The brothers each had a beer. Sam sat on the hood on the car with Dean leaning by his side. Adonia leaned back on the hood on the opposite side of Sam. Staring at the field and road on the other side.
"I can't believe we made it out of there," Dean said.
"Again," Sam added. The tapped their beers together in congratulations and took a drink.
"I know you heard him," Dean said.
"Who," Sam asked.
"Alastair. What he said, about how I had promise."
"I heard him."
"You're not curious?"
"Dean, I'm damn curious. But you're not talking about hell, and I'm not pushing." They took another drink. It was silent for a moment.
"It wasn't four months, you know?" Adonia's attention was sparked, although she was lost in thought.
"What," she asked.
"It was four months up here, but down there... I don't know. Time's different. It was more like 40 years."
"Oh my god..." She remarked.
"They, uh...they sliced and carved and tore at me in ways that you...until there was nothing left. And then, suddenly, I would be whole again, like magic. Just so they could start in all over. And Alastair...at the end of every day...every one, he would come over and he would make me an offer. To take me off the rack if I put souls on...if I started the torturing. And every day, I told him to stick it where the sun shines. For 30 years, I told him. But then I couldn't do it anymore, guys. I couldn't. And I got off that rack. God help me, I got right off it, and I started ripping them apart. I lost count of how many souls. The- the things that I did to them." Dean had streams of tears falling down his face.
"Dean...Dean, look, you held out for 30 years. That's longer than anyone would have," Adonia said, standing near him. Dean wiped his tears, but they didn't stop.
"How I feel...this...inside me. I wish I couldn't feel anything. I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing."