A/N: Some people were confused about last chapter. I was aiming BrittanaFan about what she thought of the update and what themes came across in what I wrote. What she replied with summed up my intentions with the most concise, straightforward clarity. I thought I'd share in case anyone was a bit disappointed:

BrittanaFan: But yeah i understood the san/brit thing, and also rachel/bella, how its just a shitty situation from both sides cause they both had the best of intentions (rachel not wanting to out their relationship by going after her) but san being upset (rightfully so, even tho it wasn't rachel being malicious) and brit just being brit. sans still unsure if she's getting the surgery, and if rachel was only resaon for her to not do it, and now she's thinking rachel and her are maybe over, she needed that experience with another girl (i thnk she did regardless of her/rachel, cause what if they ever broke up etc). i dont think san/brit will stay together, that either of them felt that would be the outcome of their having sex.

So in a nutshell… I bring you angst. I hope you guys are enjoying the fic, and hopefully can appreciate where I'm taking it.

Thank you for all the reviews… criticisms and praise. Everything has been motivating me to post this chapter, which was tougher for me to write. I appreciate any feedback for it.

Chapter 20

She never experienced guilt before. She never imagined it would feel like a seed in the bottom of her belly, floating around on an empty stomach of dread- and suddenly growing all the way up her throat and catching there. She never thought the tears she was holding back would ache until they slipped out with her words. She never felt as wrong as she did now. Sure, she helped plenty of guys cheat. But she'd never felt the emotional backlash attached to it. She never felt the devastation it would do to a relationship. She never had to go home with her tail between legs spewing excuses to a girl she claimed she loved. What they had just done had unclouded all of her doubts; she knew now that she loved Rachel. That she loves Rachel. But she also loved Brittany. Brittany is her best friend; her longest friend- her most important.

They had explored parts of life together that she would cherish forever. She was Brittany's first. And Brittany should have been hers. She hadn't known about Britt's feelings. She hadn't understood the bold statements laced under each of Brittany's "I love you's." She hadn't heard the overtones of confidence; the knowledge of assurance. She hadn't realized that she meant it somewhere deeper. Somewhere further than friendship. And knowing that now didn't change the feelings she had toward Rachel.

She knew now that she wanted Rachel. She knew that it wasn't just a sexual exploration, or experimentation in identity. She liked being this way with Rachel, and she knew that it wasn't just because they were having sex. Sex with Brittany had been different. It was just sex. It confirmed how she felt about who she was… and what decisions she had to make about who she was about to become. And she knew now that Brittany would move on, she'd be happy and unobstructed with any formalities of what they were… no confusion over what they could be. She probably ruined what she had with Rachel to give Brittany her closure. But she owed it to her. Brittany deserved that much from her. Brittany deserved the world.

And she guessed Rachel deserved someone better than her.

She fiddled with her fingers and readjusted in her seat. They had been sitting in the silence outside of Brittany's house for almost fifteen minutes. Everything that had been said had been interrupted with something that may go over better… and then silence again. She didn't know what this meant to Brittany. She didn't know what would happen. She didn't know if she could tell Rachel. She understood the guilt now. She understood why people kept these kinds of secrets; why they never admitted to these burdening mistakes. She knew what the right thing was…but she didn't know if she could risk losing everything. She felt like a coward, but she never claimed to be brave.

"San…I think I like girls."

There was more silence. There was a deep breath, a long shuddering inhale and a heavy exhale. She heard Brittany rubbing her sweaty hands against her jeans. She wasn't looking at her still. She didn't know if she could take the evidence of what they had done. She finally turned to look at her. Brittany was staring directly at her, toying with the hem of her shirt.

"Well yea, Britt. We knew that already."

Brittany looked away, her face nostalgic like she was reflecting on a fading memory.

"No, San, I mean I think I only like girls. I've been thinking a lot. About feelings, and I've been working on me. And I think…I think I'm Lebanese."

Santana shook her head. It was fitting, they somewhat used each other for the same confirmations, the same reasons. Only, they had different outcomes. Brittany was gay… and she was just…intersexed.

"Lesbian, Britt. So…so what are you going to tell Tiff?"

Brittany shrugged.

"The truth. I don't think I can be with anybody right now, I mean… I'm just getting to know myself. I'm sorting out everything I want… and everything I don't want. Tiff will be okay with that. She would rather I be sure of myself, and not drag her through all the things I have to work out. I think she'll be ok with us taking a little break. I hope. Are—are you going to tell Rachel?"

She turned her head away from her. Brittany was one of the most confident people she knew. She didn't try to be anything but herself… and here she was, struggling with her sexuality. It made things less difficult. But she wasn't struggling with her sexuality. She was struggling with the confusion that came with who she was about to become, or who she was about to erase.

All she knew was that she wanted Rachel along for the ride.

"I think so…I mean. She'll probably break up with me, go running into that Karofsky chick's arms but… I guess if I lie about it and she found out… it would be worse."

Brittany nodded.

"I think you should too, San. I-I'm sorry. I just had to know if I was in love with you… or just, all the things I couldn't have with you. It's like… when you give Lord Tubbington a ball of yarn, but you hold it too high above his head and he can't reach it. And he wants it so bad… and he can't concentrate on anything else. But when you give it to him… he's kinda bored. Maybe you're just my ball of yarn, San. And Rachel is gonna be all mad at you for a while, and she might think that you were the one to blame. But I-I know how much you care about her, and I'll totally tell her that I manipulated you, San—and maybe she'll forgive you a bit sooner?"

She smiled at Brittany. She understood that Brittany needed this just as much as she did. She grabbed her hand, and squeezed it. This girl was her best friend… she always would be.

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She vaguely registered the sound of the doorbell as she did her homework. She'd texted Santana numerous times to see if she was okay. With no answer, still, she opted to try again in the morning, after Santana had time to cool off. Her father knocked on her door quietly, taking her away from her random essay on some sonnet.

"Ray, Santana is downstairs and she is asking to speak with you." He rubbed his head and ducked into her room, sitting down beside her.

"She looks pretty upset, but we are going to trust that this isn't some ploy to get alone time. Go get your girl, and be back home by ten. And don't make me come looking for you."

She stared at him momentarily, rushing to envelope him in a hug before heading downstairs. She saw Santana, standing by the door with her hands in her pockets. She was wearing a leather jacket and sweats, her hair was slicked back into a wavy ponytail, and her face was clear of makeup. She almost looked like she had been crying.

"Your pop said you're allowed out for a while…can we talk?"

She immediately felt the tension. She didn't know where the conversation would lead to. But she knew it was something serious; she knew something was wrong. She nodded quietly and grabbed her keys. She followed her to her car and waited silently as they drove through the quiet streets. Santana parked on a dark street, and killed her engine. She listened to Santana clear her throat a few times before finally speaking.

"Look, I have some things to say…and I just want to get it all out before you comment on any of it. I know how hard it is for you to stay quiet for such a long time, but just let me finish before you interrupt."

Rachel nodded solemnly in consent.

"I'm obviously jealous. Of Bella. I hate that she's around, and I hate that she's trying to play your friend. I don't even get why you need her around—I mean, she's totally disposable, but whatever. And today, you didn't even check to see if I was okay. Not even a text. It kind of hurt."

She wanted to interrupt. She wanted to straighten out the reasons why she hadn't followed, when she didn't call sooner. But she stayed true to her word and remained silent, the accusations bringing tears to her eyes.

"But no matter how much it hurt, I shouldn't have let it cloud my judgment. Rachel—I've been dealing with a lot lately. I've been getting used to being this way, for the first time. I've felt the most normal these last few weeks than I have in forever. But it's been confusing getting used to all these new developments. And I had to make sure my decisions weren't clouded either."

She stopped talking long enough to take a deep breath. She pulled her hand into her own over the center console of her car and she exhaled shakily.

"I slept with Brittany."

The quiet in the car was overwhelming. She stayed true to her word, allowing her to go on before making a sound. She did however; pull her hand away from hers.

"I would like to say that it was a mistake… that it didn't mean anything but that would be a lie."

It was Rachel's turn to take a deep breath. She exhaled angrily and Santana continued, her voice cutting through the tension.

"I've never had any of this, Rachel. I've always had to hide parts of me from everyone. And things are getting serious between us and I needed to make sure I wasn't just overwhelmed with the new possibilities. I told Britt about my…my condition, and she accepted it, just like a best friend should. And—and one thing lead to another and we wound up—"

She'd had enough; she promptly unbuckled her safety belt and flew from the car. It was brisk outside, but the walk back to her house wouldn't be too long. She heard the car door slam and the quick footsteps catching up to her.

"Rachel let me finish!"

She whirled on her heel, turning to Santana in a fury.

"Are you serious right now? You really expected me to just sit quietly and listen to your recount of sexual intercourse with Brittany? Santana, you didn't have anything to be jealous of with Bella. You should have trusted me enough to know that nothing was going on. How stupid was I? I trusted you with so many things! My forgiveness, my virginity, my commitment! I'm not going to get this thrown in my face. I believed you when you told me there was nothing to worry about with Brittany. I never questioned it!"

Santana scoffed.

"Just let me finish, please?"

There was rawness in Santana's voice that made her pause. There was a pleading desperation in her features, she took a step away from her, and waited for her to continue.

"I needed to know, Rachel. I needed to know if I was thinking with my dick. I was full of doubts, full of unanswerable questions. I didn't know if you liked me for all the wrong reasons. I kept asking myself if I went through with the surgery, would you still be as committed to us as you are now. I started second guessing my decision to not go through with it. I couldn't let my confusion lead my decisions, Rachel. And…being with Brittany that way cleared a lot of things up. I- I love you Rachel. I love you like I never loved anybody before. And admitting that to myself made me realize how I can grow to live with being who I am this way. With you."

She started reaching out to her, before whispering into the wind,

"Say that you want that too… Say that you love me back?"

Rachel took another step back, shaking her head against her questions.

"That's not going to just make everything okay Santana. You don't get to pull that card with me. I might not be like you… but I have the same doubts, the same fears. You don't get to tell me you love me and make everything you've done wrong disappear. You know I would have stood by any decision you made. I told you I wanted you and I've done nothing that negates that fact. I didn't come after you today because it would have exposed our relationship. I was adhering to your rules about keeping our business private. And maybe had you talked to me about your fears, I could have thwarted them. And for the record, Bella never had anything on you. And I find it deplorable that you believe that I would actually forgive you for making me a consolation prize, Santana."

Santana tried to grab at her retreating elbow, but she promptly shook her hand off and continued to walk.

"So that's it? You weren't a consolation prize! You were my first choice! I just—I had to make sure it wasn't just because we've been having sex, Rachel. When it happened, I compared. I compared how it was when we are together and how it was with Brittany. It was just sex with Brittany, Rachel! You have to believe me. The feelings I get when I'm with you—they mean something. And I was so afraid that I was feeling that way because it was the first time I got to feel that way with someone else. I want to be able to get through this."

She stopped walking, her eyes watering as she took a shuddering breath.

"You lost that chance, Santana. I won't tolerate being an afterthought. I can't overlook these indiscretions. I don't even know if I'll be able to forgive you. Maybe in time…but not- not right now."

"You have to understand, Rachel… I had to make sure… I had to know for sure."

Rachel shook her head and started the walk back to her house.

"At least let me drop you off home, Rachel."

She kept walking. She heard Santana retreat, and listened as her car slowly trailed her all the way home.

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A/N: What's teenage love without a little break up to make up? Short update, hopefully you guys are still on the same page with me. . The next few chapters are going to be all full of angst and drama, but you should expect as much from me. Pezberry may take a detour, but they'll land together by the end.

Please review