A/N: I was hesitating finishing this up last night. Because I was blocked and it was getting gruesome for me to sit still and get down to business. However, someone emailed me this awesomely sweet thing, and I thought I'd get to work.
So… this is a prompt sent in from a reader:
We find out that the real reason Santana got that boob job; she's intersexed. She's been hiding it well for her entire life…until Rachel Berry finds out. Romance, angst, smut and identity crisis ensue. Hoping for a happy ending. Cookies if it's 20 chapters or more. Cupcakes for Finn bashing and/or a Brittana moment.
Oh… you did that already—so how about an update?
So thank this anon for giving me some fuel after writing, editing, scrapping and rewriting this chapter.
There is a lot of… dialogue this chapter. I hope the wait was worth it.
Please read and review.
Chapter 21
Usually, when she needed to cry, she would seek out Brittany. When she wanted to sob and choke on her best friend's shoulder, Brittany would be there, rocking her and kissing her forehead and stroking her back. It used to be times when Puck was being a jerk. It used to be when a boy she liked used her. She couldn't go to Brittany this time, and look her guilt in the face. She didn't have anyone else really; to talk to. She needed to talk to her father. But her father was at work and she wouldn't see him until the next afternoon. She made sure Rachel had made it safely inside before screeching off. She made two rounds around the neighborhood before stopping at the petite house on the corner of the quaint block. She'd only been there a few times in the past. She turned her ignition off, and unbuckled her seat belt. She could argue that it was late, that she'd probably be intruding. But she got out of her car anyway and made her way up the cobblestone walkway.
She held the doorbell down and released the biggest breath she could muster. She knew she should turn around, that this wasn't such a good idea. But the promise of having someone to listen to her outweighed the feeling she had to turn back. She waited for a few seconds, switching the weight on the balls of her feet, before turning on her heel and heading back to the car.
"Santana, is that you?"
She hadn't even heard the door open.
"Hey… I know it's late, but I… I just, I needed to talk to someone and… well, you were the first person that came to mind."
"Well, it's been a few weeks. I've missed you in my office. Only a little bit, though."
She smiled.
"Don't be such a bitch, Marian. Can I come in?"
"That's my Santana… come in, I won't charge you for this session."
She laughed out loud and followed the older woman to her library. She sat down on the couch, and watched as Marian took a seat behind her desk.
"Nuh-uh. I don't need a therapist. I just need… an unbiased friend… to talk to, to listen."
Marian looked at Santana and tilted her head, standing up to come take a seat next to her.
"Well, I've known you your entire life, Santana. I'll be a bit biased. But out with it."
She took a deep breath, and wiped her sweaty palms on the fabric of her sweatpants.
"Well, I've been grappling with my identity. It's lead me to some poor decisions. And now I'm up shits creek without a paddle."
Marian crossed her legs, her bare feet mocking her serious facial expression.
"Well what parts of your identity is being put to question, Santana?"
She took another breath, this one shakier and longer than the previous. Marian raised her eyebrows in question.
"I've been thinking about my intersexuality. How changing my outer appearance will affect me. I'm scared to get the surgery. But I'm terrified of opening myself up to ridicule for not getting it and keeping both."
Marian bent her arm on the back of the couch, and settled her temple on her fisted hand.
"And? What conclusions have you come to?"
She sat up and leaned her elbows on her knees. She looked over at Marian, and slowly faced forward again.
"I've been feeling differently, lately. Like, I've been thinking about what it will be like keeping both. If I want to … 'come out' to everyone ya know? There aren't that many people out there like me. It's rare that I'll find someone who understands… I feel so alone. I feel like it's either this or that. I'm not a boy and I'm not gay, but I'm not a girl—but I'm not straight. I'm not bisexual; I'm like omnisexual. I'm both and everything is so confusing. I feel like this freak that gets to watch all the other kids be normal."
Marian put her hand to her chin, nodding her head before speaking.
"MMmmhmmm go on."
Santana looked down at her fingernails, holding her hands out and surveying her next words.
"Look, I just don't know what I want to be anymore. I feel so… excluded. I feel like if someone divided me in half I'd be two great people separately. But it's so confusing inside my head with both people together. I'm like this big question mark; a jumbled mess. Does that make any sense?"
Marian nodded.
"It's what happens when you're discovering things about yourself. It's what is normal about you. You are growing with all these… extra parts. And if you stop worrying about gender, and appearances, you'd evolve and find a sense of self; jumbled mess and all. Do you want to get the surgery? Would you be cutting off a big part of yourself that you've discovered you might want to keep? What are the benefits of getting the surgery? Are you missing out on the normal life you've always envisioned for yourself?"
She stood up. Marian was asking her too many questions. She began walking around the small library, fingering the spines of medical journals and psychology reference texts. She turned to face the doctor before speaking.
"Aren't you supposed to be giving me answers? "
Marian smirked.
"I'm just a friend, remember? I'm supposed to be helping you see the things you may have missed upon your initial reflection. Continue, Santana."
She continued her round of the room, coming to a well-polished globe set up next to a small display of plaques.
"It's like… until a little while ago, my extra parts didn't really function. I didn't really get a chance to experience what so many other kids my age are going through. Then all of a sudden, I'm attracted to someone, sexually. I get this big glimpse into the other spectrum, ya know? And now that I've experienced what it's like to be with someone, I'm starting to realize that being intersexed is a part of my sexual identity. And now, I have this huge fear that if I go through with the surgery, and … the healing doesn't go well—I could lose out on intimacy, on that connection; I could miss out on making love."
Marian smiled this crazy smile at her.
"So you're in love…"
Santana walked to Marian's desk and sat down; taking a picture that was framed on her desk. It was her and Dr. Jennings, at the formal opening of their private practice. They were standing close, both of them beaming over the cut ribbon. They were young. It was at least fifteen years ago.
"Are you and Dr. J. in love?"
Marian ducked her head.
"We were once. Why does that matter?"
She shrugged and put the picture down.
"My parents moved to Lima because it was close to your practice. They said you guys were supposed to get married. What happened?"
Marian tucked her hair behind her ear and bashfully smiled.
"Sometimes… it just doesn't work out. Sometimes people move on… and they change. The bond is still there… but the journey is over. Are you in love, Santana?"
"I've been… dating someone. For about two months. And things have gotten… serious—"
Marian put her hand up, her finger halting her midsentence.
"Why is it that I'm just hearing this from you?"
She rolled her eyes.
"Don't act like she didn't tell you. She still has her sessions with you and I know she's gushing; Rachel can never shut up."
Marian smiled warmly at her.
"Dr.-Patient confidentiality. I can neither confirm nor deny. But continue."
Santana blew the air out of her cheeks.
"Well, as I was saying, things have gotten, serious. But… lately. I've been having all the—feelings that go with certain acts. And something happened. I did something that hurt her and now I know I can't go back. And I'm not sure she'll forgive me."
"What happened? Will I have to move into the Berry's guestroom Santana? Did you break that girl's heart?"
She leaned back on the chair and crossed her ankles on Marian's desk.
"Well, I started to get so scared that I was making these rash decisions because I was having sex with Rachel. I started incorporating Rachel in everything that will be happening—with me keeping both. But… when I the hazed cleared, I started wondering what would happen if me and Rachel didn't work out. And I got so… nervous. I'd have to find someone who knew…what I was. Who accepted it and didn't judge me for it. And that slimmed down so many of my choices. It made finding someone again almost impossible. I'd have to work twice as hard as a normal girl just to find a person who'd love me that way."
"Santana, that's not true. There are plenty of people out there are madly in love with intersexed individuals. I'm sure your chances would be pretty close to a non—"
She rolled her eyes again.
"I don't want to be someone's kink, Marian. Sex has seriously confused so much of what has been going on—"
Marian interrupted.
"Santana… maybe you should try one of the support groups I recommended. If you aren't sure, then it's okay to explore other avenues. It's okay to be hesitant about these kinds of choices. They are life altering choices. And it's more okay to just be a teenager."
She rolled her eyes.
"Is it learn a lesson day, doc? Don't feed me all that crap you shove at me in the office, I don't need a pamphlet."
She stood up and made her way to the file cabinet, fingering the letters at the top of each drawer.
"Look. I just didn't want to change my original decision because I fell for a girl. I didn't want to be that person who gave up something for someone ya know? Like… Rachel wouldn't give up Broadway for me. I don't want to look back and think I made a mistake because I didn't go through with what I've wanted for so long. And on top of everything else… those feelings scared the shit out of me… it fed all of my doubts."
"That's a fairly big struggle, Santana...maybe you should evaluate how you feel about yourself. The confusion probably isn't helping."
She was crying now, silently. She was toying with the handles of the file cabinet.
"When'd you get so smart? Huh doc?" She sniffled. Taking a shaky breath she continued.
"I messed up. I had sex with Brittany and I ruined a really good thing because I wasn't sure of myself. I realized that I don't mind having Rachel around; even when she's annoying and she talks too much, and she wears those stupid clothes—I love her…"
She pulled her hand away from the file cabinet, and let them fall limp at her sides.
"… I had sex with Britt to prove that I wasn't just blinded by the fact that Rachel was the first… the only. And afterwards, Britt told me she was gay. Like—lesbian, gay. And I didn't want to be a girl for Britt. All I wanted was Rachel. I could be myself with Rachel. But that throws a wrench in all of my plans. And I just panicked. Being with Brit was worth something. I needed that. But Rachel won't understand that. I was honest and it was brutal and…it just backfired!
Marian was staring at her. She was hiccupping and she knew her eyes were all puffy and she couldn't stop wringing her hands.
"Have you apologized? Have you talked to her? Have you told her any of this? If you feel like it was a mistake, can you go to her and explain things like how you're explaining them to me? What's wrong with being honest? I think the honesty is what will get you through this."
Santana was pushing the lock on the file cabinet back and forth, trying to distract herself from the barrage of questions. She adds a bit of force and it finally clicks open. She stepped away from it and looked at Marian, the tears on her face stinging her skin.
"I get so scared… being honest is so hard. When I'm honest, I usually wind up hurt."
Marian stood up, pulling the girl into her and cradling her. She let her cry for a few more seconds, stroking her hair and rubbing her back.
"That's why love is scary, Santana. You have to be open enough to trust another person not to hurt you. Stop worrying about your surgery. You have a lifetime to make that choice; no one is putting a deadline on when you can be sure. Just… live. People make mistakes every day. And those mistakes can be surpassed."
Santana pulled back from her.
"I hope you know I hate you right now…"
Marian smiled.
"That's just fine, Santana.
000 0000 000
School the following day was hard. She avoided the handicapped bathroom, and she avoided the two classes they shared together. She spent the majority of her day in the nurse's office. It was a hard, long day. She just wanted to go home, and get in bed, and sulk. She hadn't talked to anyone since last night. She wanted to vent. She wanted to scream about how unfair all of this was. Instead she started thinking. She stayed up late the night before, playing with the charm on the bracelet Santana had given her. She'd trusted her too soon and too fast. She lost sight of the morals she used to strictly abide by. She'd lost her virginity with this girl.
They'd been dating for two full months. And she had never had a clue that something like this could happen. Or that she could be this oblivious. But she knew as soon as she got home the night before, that she may have made a mistake. She had fallen in love. So quickly. Now she felt so betrayed. She felt so devastated. And she could only chastise herself for being so vulnerable. But … Santana had her exposed. She trusted Santana with every single ounce of her being. And it hurt. But as soon as she walked away from her… she realized that that had hurt more. She closed her eyes tight for a while as she walked home the night before. She stomped away and let her tears drip drop down her face. She didn't know what to do. She didn't know how to feel. This was unforgivable. Well, she hadn't decided if that were true yet. She didn't want to be around the girl for fear she'd dissolve at her feet. But she went to school the next day anyway. She got to school on time, even though her heart was burning a hole in her stomach.
She had one more class to go to.
She went to her locker quickly, checking over her shoulders for Santana… or slushies. She grabbed her books and closed the door, turning directly into a lithe torso.
"Hey Rachel! I need to talk to you."
She walked around the blonde and tucked her hair behind her ears.
"I have to get to class, I'm going to be late."
Brittany caught up to her effortlessly, linking her arm in Rachel's and slowing to a stop.
"You've been missing class all day, it's totally cool."
Brittany smiled and started walking, pulling Rachel with her. They took a few turns and ended up in one of the empty lab rooms. Brittany closed the door behind her and straightened her stature.
"I wanted to say I'm sorry."
Rachel rolled her eyes.
"Brittany, I really don't need this right now, now if you'll excuse me I'd like to get to—"
Brittany stood in front of the door.
"Just hear me out."
She crossed her arms over her chest and waited for the blonde to speak.
"Rachel… I've known Santana for a long time. She's like my soulmate—"
"Brittany, I—"
Brittany shrunk back, holding her hands up in surrender.
"Just let me say what I have to say."
Brittany cleared her throat.
"San and I are like two halves of a ball of string. If we don't hold each other together… we fall apart. San is my best friend. And I love her. But this won't happen again. I didn't mean for you to be all sad and stuff, and… people do unfair things, Rachel. But. They can be forgiven. I'm sorry if I broke you guys up. I didn't mean to. But I had to know if I could have that with San. And now I know she's like… in good hands. Just give her a chance. She'll earn it back."
Brittany stepped to the side and opened the classroom door. Rachel just nodded, and walked out.
She would have to go home, get into bed tonight, and think.
000 0000 000
She was parked in Rachel's driveway by the time she got home. Her fathers' cars weren't there, so she chanced she could catch her when she got out of school that day. It was brisk out, and she could feel the red rushing to her cheeks as she saw her walking up. She leaned off her car, dusting off imaginary dust and falling in stride with the smaller girl as she brushed by her.
"Rachel, wait. I came to talk to you."
Rachel whirled around.
"I just need some space, Santana. I'm really upset and I would rather not speak with you right now for fear of saying something I may regret."
She caught Rachel's hand as she spun on her heel.
"Rachel. Please?"
Rachel deflated, and tugged on her arm.
"Fine, come inside. You have twenty minutes. "
She followed her into the house, and then into the living room. They took off their coats and sat on the long couch in front of the television set.
"Rachel. I know what happened was wrong. I know it violates your trust and it probably makes you feel like shit. I know that me saying that it was just sex is the worst thing I can say… but it's the truth. But the truth is… it won't happen again."
Rachel was sitting completely still. She was looking forward at the television set, trying not to meet her gaze.
"Santana, do you really think it'll be this easy? I trusted you in ways I have never trusted anyone. I gave you something I've been waiting to give to someone special; and now I feel like I made a mistake in giving that to you so soon."
She stopped her.
"What I did doesn't change the fact that what we did together was special. I gave you something special too, Rachel. I let you have a part of me that people who knew me for almost a lifetime never got. It will always mean something to me, and I would never take that back. What happened with Britt shouldn't have—that's totally true. But it did, and I'm being honest with you and I'm doing something I normally don't. I'm talking to you; about my feelings. About why it happened, and why it won't happen again if you give me another chance…"
Rachel was brushing her skirt off, there were tears in her big brown eyes that she was trying to hide.
"I still don't know why you did it…"
She crossed her legs in front of her and cradled her folded hands on her knees.
"I was born the way I am, Rachel. For my entire life I've had to keep secrets about myself from other people. And I get so close to being approved for my surgery, and it's like a part of me just wakes up. And everything is so new, and so overwhelming. I needed to make sure I wasn't feeling this way for you because you were the first person I could be that way with. And I know it sounds stupid, but being with Brittany calmed all of my insecurities about what I have with you. I love Britt. But I'm in love with you. And I was so scared that if I got the surgery, I wouldn't function anymore, and you'd be gone. I didn't know how to feel about how I feel about you. I told you yesterday that I love you. I still do. I know you might not want to forgive me—and that's fine. Just give me another chance, and I'll not mess up."
Rachel stood up and put distance between them. She rounded the couch and stretched her hands along the back.
"I won't forgive you for this right now. What you are doing now, is something you could have done before. I 'm hurting right now, Santana, and all I want is to have you back, the way I had you before this. If… if you still want to be in a relationship with me. Then we have to start over. I want to go on dates, and take it slow and I… I can't trust myself to be physical right now. All I will do is wonder if she was better than I was, if you're thinking of her. If she's touched you where I have, and if you'll always remember what it was like with her. I need to get over this. And we need to learn how to talk to each other. Because I can't deal with you making rash decisions because you internalize all of your fears."
She was nodding her head at the girl. She would take anything she had to give.
"And I would also like for you to get tested for any sexually transmitted diseases. If I decide to be intimate with you again, I don't want to be afraid that I may catch something from your mistake."
She stood up then, and stared at Rachel incredulously.
"That's unnecessary, Britt's not—"
Rachel put her hand up.
"I'm not saying you have to do it now… but we won't be intimate again without knowing."
She shook her head again.
"So does this mean we are together again?"
Rachel bit her lip.
"No. It means that I'm open to dating you. But… technically, I'm single."
She put her hands in her pockets.
"So you can still go around dating other people?"
"Santana if I chose to, I would. But I'm not going to be dating anyone else anytime soon, I'm sure. I don't mind working on us… but. It's going to go slow. And if you can't handle waiting for me… then let me know and I'll move on."
She only nodded.
"Well… is hugging—"
Rachel was across the room before she could finish the sentence. She kissed Rachel's forehead and squeezed her as close as she could to her body.
"I'm sorry…"
They stayed like that for a long time afterward.