Chapter 22:
She woke up slowly. One eye opened, that same eye shut quickly against the bright white of her open bedroom window. She opened her other eye, and coaxed the blinded one back into the blinding reality of her Sunday morning. She arched her back and pointed her toes, she rotated her ankles and next her wrists. She pushed her body upward into a resting position and settled her wriggling, stretching fingers. She rolled her neck and she popped her jaw. Two feet fell onto her floor and padded across carpet and onto the crisp linoleum tiles. She knew it was sometime after ten; but not nearly noon. She turned on her shower and stripped off what little clothes she had on.
Her erection was raging. She'd gotten so acquainted to it over the last month. She dealt with it quickly, and armed herself with soap, and then shampoo. She washed her hair and let it curl beneath her fingertips and quickly lathered, rinsed and repeated the suggested amount of times. She stood under the steady steam pouring from the powerful jets and watched the suds disappear down the drain. She squeezed a copious amount of facial scrub into her hands with her eyes closed, and rubbed her hands together.
The first time her hand grazed over the curve of her chin, she hadn't noticed it. She quickly felt the soap on her face tingle, and she hurriedly washed it from her skin. She stepped out of the shower and pressed a towel to her face. She patted her skin dry and tucked the towel underneath her armpits. She ran her hands across her chin and quickly snapped her eyes to the steamy mirror. She wiped the fog away and scraped her nails over the stubble pushing through.
Upon closer inspection, the dark hair would probably tuft and curl by the time it got long enough. Her first instinct was to grab the Nair from behind the mirror she was glaring into; but her panic propelled her to her bedroom. She dried off quickly and pulled a baggy t-shirt over her head and sweats over her damp legs. Her parents were probably just settling into their after work routine, her father would probably sleeping in a comfortable chair somewhere within the house. She made a beeline to her mother, who was still buzzed from a full night's shift in the kitchen with her tea.
"Mom—what is this?"
She pointed her finger to the rough patch of five o'clock shadow. She hadn't realized how hoarse she sounded until she spoke aloud. She cleared her throat as her mother hooked a finger beneath her chin and tilted her head upwards. She grabbed her mug and sipped her tea before 'mmmhmmming' into the quiet kitchen.
"It looks like a goatee. Or maybe just peach fuzz."
She rolled her eyes at her mother's lighthearted tone.
"Yea, well it's on my face. Isn't this like a red flag? I don't do beards."
Her mother put her tea down on the table and squared her shoulders.
"You're going through puberty, you're levels are going to fluctuate. Are you getting hair anywhere else? Any hair on your chest? Is there any on the knuckles of your toes? It's just a bit of hair, Ana. Calm down and shave it off."
She sighed. She didn't feel any different. But she still wanted to check.
"Mom, seriously. I want to go see Dr. J."
Her mother was staring at her, her hands on her hips and her mouth a thin line across her negotiating mind.
"Fine, fine. I'll call him, go get dressed."
They decided to let her father sleep. They drove together to the facility, which was usually closed on Sundays, and followed Dr. J into their normal exam room. There were x-rays and urine and blood collections as usual. And they sat around until he performed the tests in a lab room somewhere down the hall. They were sitting together in Dr. J's office, trying to force time to speed up.
"You can sleep if you want. I'll wake you up; you'll be tired at work."
Her mother patted her hand and smiled at her.
"I've pulled plenty of double shifts, don't worry."
She leaned over and rested her head on her mother's shoulder. She nuzzled there momentarily, playing with her mother's wedding ring.
"What did you want… when you found out you were pregnant? Boy or girl?"
She felt her mother rest her hand against hers, and she could feel the definition of her mother's cheek bones as she smiled into her hair.
"I wanted a healthy human being."
She rolled her eyes and flipped her mother's palm over, crisscrossing aimless patterns over her mother's brown flesh.
"Well… when you found out? Were you disappointed?"
Her mother blew out a lungful of air.
"I was happy you were okay. You had extra… yea, but you were flawless; nothing was lacking and everything was perfect. Me and your father… we'd been trying for so long, Ana. We didn't think we'd be able to have children. And then… you came. You were nothing short of a miracle. The doctors tried to tell us that you were a twin. That maybe you swallowed your brother whole." Her mother laughed out loud. "But… me and your father; we were careful. Every test was performed. I knew what your heartbeat felt like the moment it developed. I walked on eggshells with you in my stomach until the day I walked into the hospital to have you. So…was I disappointed? Never. Was I nervous? Yes, anyone who's never been a parent… they are afraid; just a little. But mostly I was proud. We made you, without help. You're everything special in the both of us. It's flattering really."
She laced her fingers with her mothers, and closed her eyes when her mother began rubbing her thumb.
"What about Dad? How did he take it?"
She'd never really had the courage to ask her parents these questions. She was always afraid of the answers. She was always guilty she would come off unappreciative. Her mother chuckled again.
"Santo… Santo fell in love with you the moment he held you. You didn't cry when you were born. You looked around and you locked onto him and he fell in love. He wouldn't put you down for the first month of your life. He stayed home with you while I finished my nursing degree. He changed your diapers and he saw all your firsts. Every moment was so special to him. He told me that it was like having the best of both worlds. He was so proud of you the first time you used the potty, he had one of the biggest smiles on his face. When you picked out your dress for your birthday… he smiled so big at his beautiful baby girl. Never once was he anything but enamored with you."
She sat up with her mother's hand still linked in hers. And stared her directly in her eyes.
"Do you ever feel like you made the wrong decision…letting me choose? Would things have been different if you'd just picked for me?"
Her mother shook her head in the negative.
"Ana, you're asking all the wrong questions… There is never—was ever—will never be anything wrong with you. Stop doubting yourself—"
She felt her chin shake.
"Sorry to interrupt, ladies, but I think I found the culprit."
000 0000 000
"So, Tina can't be turned. I guess Mike Chang is like crack. She's totally bi, though, if she were single I'd-"
She laughed out loud, pulling her phone away from her mouth slightly before interrupting.
"I'd rather not hear the details, Bella. Is that all you think about? Girls? Honestly?"
"What else is there to think about…" she laughs, "… besides, McKinely is swimming with closeted lesbians. Like that Quinn girl. She's single right? That's a pressed lemon if I ever saw one. Maybe I'll snag that."
She shook her head, picking at her fingernail polish as she lay in her bed.
"I doubt Quinn lets you … snag that. She's not the easiest girl to catch. And besides, even if she is gay I doubt she comes—"
She rolls on her stomach, still inspecting the chipping paint.
"Oh, please, Rachel the way that girl stares at you I doubt no one knows she's gay. She seems too stuck up for me anyway. Speaking of lesbians, how are you and your lady doing? "
She rolls her eyes, even though Bella can't see her and sits up on her bed. It's Sunday, everything in the house is quiet.
"Santana and I are actually doing fine, everything considering. I even think Brittany and I are becoming friends."
There is a shuffle over the phone, and Bella chirps back into the conversation with a chuckle.
"Isn't she friends with everybody? It's been a month… you okay with her being all… chummy with your girl so soon? Do you think anything is going on?"
She shakes her head again, clearing her throat when she realizes Bella can't see her.
"No. We've been working on trust. We made a compromise. She doesn't get upset when I hang out with you, and I don't get upset when she hangs out with Brittany. And… I guess I'm over it. Santana has been open and honest with me, and I guess I understand where she's coming from—"
There is a huff of indignation over the line before Bella cuts you off.
"So that's it? She just gets off easy? Like… it was sex. That's a big deal, Rach."
She stands, walking over to her computer chair and sitting down at her desk.
"Finn would have forgiven me if I'd let him, I think it's fair I give Santana a fair chance. People make mistakes, Bella."
Bella is laughing into the phone so fiercely you have to pause for her giggles to subside.
"Rachel… cheating is never fair… I know- it wasn't cool that I let you do that and you had a boyfriend and everything. And well I tried to do that when you had a girlfriend too—but that's beside the point. Anyway- that was just kissing, Rachel. That's something forgivable. Had we had sex, Finn wouldn't have given you another chance. It's not the same."
She leans backwards in her chair, rolling across the floor while idly fiddling with the drawstrings of her sweatpants.
"I know things about the situation that you never will, Bella. She's proving to me that she deserves my forgiveness. That's all that matters."
"Whatever, Rach. I have to go. Dave wants to hit up the arcade. Gotta win him a teddy bear for his bed. Laters."
She says goodbye and throws her cell phone onto her bed. Conversations with Bella seemed to always go the same way. They'd been on the fast track to reclaiming their friendship. Bella often questioned a lot of her decisions concerning Santana. She couldn't tell if it was because she still had pent up feelings for her, or if she was trying to show her another perspective. But Bella hadn't pursued her in any way other than friendship since the first infraction. Other than Bella and occasionally Brittany, she didn't have anyone to talk to about her girlfriend.
It had been a month since Santana cheated on her. She'd kept her word about taking it slow, and they agreed to become exclusive again the week after they had "The Talk". Santana was being patient, and they were being open with one another. The intimacy they had been sharing since the incident had been wonderful. Even still, thoughts barreled into her mind like freight trains heading straight for her sense of security. Physically, she wouldn't let things escalate past grinding, and Santana had to bite her tongue to keep from pushing the issue. It's not like she didn't miss being with her that way. But it seemed like all of her insecurities would flood into her mind about how Brittany was more experienced, better, or prettier.
Brittany had been trying to get closer to her. It had been unnerving at first; having the blonde constantly shoving Santana's infidelity in her face. But Brittany never had ill intentions toward anyone. And the blonde kept trying to make sure she knew that Santana wasn't on her radar anymore. It was oddly sweet, endearing even; and she figured quickly that she couldn't really stay upset with the dancer. It was confusing, but she was grasping onto her forgiveness and Santana's sincerity.
Lately, Santana had been showing her what love felt like.
She compared it to what it felt like being with Finn. Finn never loved her. He loved how good she made him feel about himself. He never actually apologized to her for his wrongs, and rarely did he actually agree with any stance she ever took. He didn't stand up for her when he should have been her number one supporter. It made her feel stupid for staying with him. For going back to him. He never deserved any of his second chances.
But Santana did.
Santana listened when she talked. And they hardly ever agreed on anything but they talked about it amicably and saw things from each other's point of view. It was this balance push and pull; but still a constant appreciation for the other. It was mutual. Since they hadn't been having sex, they spent all of their time together talking; enjoying each other's company. They cuddled with each other in front of movies and did their homework together. Whenever things got too hot too fast, they'd cool off and talk about how things were going. She'd never had anyone like that before. Someone who wanted to be there without needing to get something from her.
Santana made her heart flutter and her breath hitch. She infuriated her and she enticed her simultaneously. Santana trusted her, and she was always there with a fierce obligation. She knew things about the girl that no one else did. The quiet conversations they had at home in their respective beds had filled in so many blanks she'd had in her head about her girlfriend. It felt like being in a warm blanket and cradled in someone's arms. It felt like home.
She loves Santana. It's the only reason she could ever put effort into making this work. They could get through this. Sometime far from now this could be something they looked back at and it wouldn't sting. She knew that. She hoped it would soon fade as a blemish on their history and propel them into growth.
There is noise from the tree outside her window. She's quickly afraid of it being Jacob Ben Israel again, but long legs peek into her window frame and she stands to help her girlfriend into her bedroom. Santana stands in front of her, brushing off debris that collected from her climbing. She looked distracted as she took off her jacket, sitting on her bed before kicking off her shoes.
"Hey…"
Santana leaned against her headboard, running her fingers through her hair. She pulls her knees up to her chest and rubs her hands together.
"Hi. Haven't heard from you all day… what's going on?"
She looks at her and looks away, clearing her throat before speaking.
"I had to go see Dr. J. today. Something came up… and I um, I had to get some tests done."
Suddenly she's worried. She goes to her bed and sits at Santana's feet, her arm reaching out to grab her cold hands.
"Is, everything okay? It's nothing bad, right?"
She took a deep breath.
"Well. This morning I took a shower and I found some hair… that like shouldn't be there. Kind of freaked out and forced my mom to take me in. He found a growth; on one of my ovaries and I—"
She cups her hands to her mouth. She shakes her head erratically at Santana. Santana pulls her wrists and chuckles at her—
"Calm down, it's not that serious—gosh don't be so dramatic. But like I was saying before you had a coronary—the doc thinks it's a testicle. Or well, like what my testicle would have been had I had I not been on hormones. It's pumping crazy testosterone into my system since I went cold turkey on my medicine. So, I have to decide if I want to go back on it."
She smacks Santana on the shoulder.
"Don't do that! I thought the worst! So where have you been all day then?"
Santana shrugs at her.
"Talking to my parents. If I go back on the hormones, I could basically set up my surgery. If I don't take the hormones, my body goes through a second puberty. I'm still sterile, but the testosterone will make my levels crazy and… it's just a decision I have to make."
She sits up and scoots beside her.
"Oh. Okay."
Santana kisses her, and wraps her arm around her shoulders.
"So... Saturday is Valentine's Day… I was thinking I could take you somewhere special and maybe—"
"Who says you get to decide what we do… what if I have something planned?"
Santana chuckles and her eyebrows stretch up to her hairline.
"Oh? Like what, Rachel?"
She smiles, toying with the bracelet on her wrist, the one she seems to always wear now.
"Something…. You'll see."
Santana pulls away from her, rubbing her chin as she thinks about something quietly.
"We'll do both."
She smiles at Santana, tugging her shirt to bring her closer to her. She kisses her, the first she's had since last she saw her. She hadn't heard her father come into her bedroom. She pulls away when she hears her Daddy's voice.
"Santana… next time use the door. You girls have until ten, then you head home. Are you staying for dinner, Santana?"
Santana nods.
"Yes, sir."
He looks between the both of you before shaking his head, leaving the door open behind him as he tells you to wash up before coming downstairs. They lay back on the bed and she snuggles into the crook of Santana's neck. She knows that one day she'll look back and the only thing she'll be able to remember is the feeling she felt at that moment.
She kisses her, and rests her head on Santana's chest until her Daddy calls them down for supper.