I wondered what had been talked about while Portia and I had been gone. Now that we were back, an uncomfortable silence hung in the air. The only sounds throughout the rest of the meal were the tinkling of crystal and the clink of silverware on china. I suspected that the tension was largely due to my confession and Katniss's subsequent reaction. I had been so focused on my own heartbreak that I hadn't given much thought to how awkward the situation was for everyone else. Now, on top of my heartache, embarrassment, and irrational jealous anger, I felt a flood of guilt. Even if no one really wanted to admit it, I knew that our handlers liked the both of us and would be deeply saddened if we were to die in the arena. So, let's see… I'd made a fool of myself, embarrassed Katniss, and now, instead of creating some last happy memories, everyone was left in an uncomfortable silence. Well, at least I had no illusions that I was suave.

Effie wiped her mouth daintily with her napkin as the red-haired Avox girl cleared the table. Haymitch winked at me before he let out a wall rattling belch in her direction. Effie let out a startled little squeak and then glared at him. I couldn't help but hide my smile behind my bandaged hand. I would miss these people. I felt a shiver at the base of my spine. The Games began tomorrow. Would I ever get to have a meal with those I cared about, ever again? As we dawdled over the table, I looked over at Katniss and caught her looking at me. When she saw that I noticed she turned away quickly, her cheeks flushing.

God, she's so pretty. Even after tonight's turn of events and the Games looming like a dark cloud over tomorrow, I knew I was still head over heels for this girl from the Seam. Her tongue slipped out to moisten her lips. It was such an innocent gesture, but I felt an all too common reminder of just what other effects Katniss Everdeen could have on me. I shifted in my chair uncomfortably, my brow furrowed slightly, thinking about Portia's explanation to the medic. My brothers were older than me and talked about girls and sex all the time. Mostly, it seemed to be just that, a lot of talk, but even on the days they were one upping one another's stories with vivid attention to detail I'd never gotten the impression that sex was meant to be "rough". I suppose I was a cheesy romantic at heart because I found the idea of "making love" much more arousing than the thought of a meaningless "fuck". Portia had hit the nail on the head about my inexperience, but she had then called it endearing. She wasn't entirely right, though. My thoughts when I was alone went well past just kissing, but I realized now, that she was right to a point. Even my absolute wildest fantasies were, no doubt, tame compared to the Capitol's standards. Though, as we were an oddity in this place, maybe it would give Katniss even more of an edge.

Effie wanted to watch the video replay of the interviews. I wanted to beg off and try to get some sleep, but I knew she and Haymitch would want to rehash each answer from the other Tributes in an attempt to find weaknesses in their personalities, leverage that they had unwittingly gave in their answers. I took my seat on the large black leather sofa beside Katniss. She immediately pulled her knees up to her chest, hugging them tight and blocking us out as much as possible. I leaned back and stretched my long legs out in front of me, crossing my feet at the ankles.

We sat through the whole viewing and then began to dissect the interviews.

Cato… He was the violent one. He bragged about his strength and how good he was with a sword. Effie shuddered. "He'll be the one to beat, you know. "

I snorted.

"Are you insane?" Katniss was looking at me like I'd grown a second head.

"What?"

"Why on earth are you laughing about him? He's a monster, Peeta!"

I cut my eyes over to Katniss and said, "Have you ever heard of overcompensating?"

Haymitch, Cinna, and Portia all snickered and Katniss looked at them, puzzled.

"No. What's that?"

Haymitch took a noisy swig from his glass and gestured for me to continue.

A chuckle escaped my throat. "It just means he's bragging because he's trying to be intimidating."

Katniss looks at me as if I've lost my mind. "Peeta," she said, her voice that of one trying to explain a concept to a slow child, "We saw him train. He will be lethal. I think he's just being honest."

I shrugged. "If you want my opinion, Thresh is the one to watch out for. He didn't play to the crowd or even attempt to hype himself or his abilities."

"Thresh scares you more than Cato?"

I nodded. "And that other one… Clove? I think she might be a little crazy."

"She doesn't scare me," Katniss sniffed.

"She should," I responded in all seriousness. "She can throw a knife like you shoot an arrow. And she just seems like she's looking forward to this."

"They have to. They're Careers,"

"I suppose…" I agree slowly. "But, something about her just seems like she really enjoys the idea of killing."

"Like that horrid girl, Johanna Mason." Effies shudders again.

Haymitch shook his head. "I think Johanna did what it took to win. And this is the Hunger Games… You don't win without taking some lives." He sat, staring into his glass for a moment and then downed its contents, getting up immediately to refill it.

As the liquid splashed into his glass, Haymitch spoke. "You should form an alliance with the Careers. With your training scores, they would be crazy to not take you."

"We should what?" Katniss was incredulous.

"You heard me. Those in the pack survive the longest."

"Yeah. Til someone puts a knife through your throat while you sleep," Katniss scoffed.

"The trick is to survive as long as you can with them and then get the hell out of there before they turn on you."

Neither Katniss nor I responded to this. This conversation had taken the tone of the room down with it.

Effie was crying openly, now. She came over to squat down between Katniss and me, reaching out and holding each of our hands while she sobbed. "You two will make it. I know you will. You are the best Tributes it has ever been my privilege to sponsor." She gave our hands a final squeeze and then stood, wiping streaks of make-up from under her eyes. "I wouldn't be at all surprised if I finally get promoted to a decent district next year!"

I hear Katniss let out a quiet hiss and know that Effie's comment hurt her feelings. I feel fine about it, because I know she just said that because she felt too vulnerable. That and I get the impression she wouldn't mind getting away from Haymitch. I flash her a warm smile as she leans over to peck each of us on the cheek before leaves the room.

"Any finals words of advice?" I ask Haymitch, who is standing near the wet bar, his arms crossed over his chest.

He nods and then speaks seriously. "When the gong sounds, get the hell out of there. You're neither of you, to go up to the bloodbath at the Cornucopia. Just clear out and, put as much distance as you can between yourselves and the others, and find a source of water. Got it?"

"And after that?" Katniss asks, her voice quiet, but determined.

Haymitch looks from her steely eyes to my own blue ones before he says all that's left to say. "Stay alive."

Katniss nods once, curtly and then leaves the room as Portia comes over to me to say goodbye.

I hug her tightly, thanking her and Cinna for making us unforgettable. She has tears in her eyes, but when she squeezes my hands in hers, she says, "Peeta, this isn't goodbye. It's just a 'see you later'."

I nodded and then looked over to Haymitch. "I'm not going to let her die, Haymitch. If I join up with the Careers, I can keep them away from her, at least until she gets her bearings in the arena, right?"

"Son, are you sure she's worth this? If you do that… And betray the Careers' trust, they will kill you. No ifs ands or buts."

I meet his eyes with more confidence than I have in hours. "Yes, Haymitch. She's worth it. I love her, remember?"

He shook his head and sighed noisily. "She thinks you're playing a game for sponsors, Peeta. Even if your plan were to work… I believe she would kill you herself before you could explain. She'll take a lot of convincing, that one."

"I don't care. I want her to make it through. Even if it means I don't, OK?"

Haymitch pressed his lips together, refusing to agree.

"Any gifts… Anything… It all goes to her, OK? If I die, well… I'll die as nobly as I can. I want her to know, though, that I meant it. That she's been the only girl I've ever loved. That she was worth it."

I saw tears glisten in his eyes for just a second before he shut them tightly and shook his head. "You're a fool, kid. But, fine. I'll try to keep her around, too."

"Thank you, Haymitch. I know you will." Before he could stop me, I hugged him tightly. I felt him tense and start to pull back, but then he surprised me by returning the hug and patting my back.

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I wanted to take a shower, but the medic had told me that I would need to leave the bandages on overnight for my hands to heal. I needed whatever strengths I had for the Games, so instead of a shower, I stripped out of the clothes from the day and just pulled on some warm pajama bottoms.

I lay on my bed for a time, staring at the ceiling, wondering what tomorrow would hold for Katniss and me. What would the arena be like? I knew Katniss was a climber and for her sake, I prayed for trees. I knew I was too heavy to be able to climb, but the idea of her being safe made the idea of a jungle or dense forest appeal to me. I was strong, yes, but I was a lousy hunter. The Career Tributes usually made a point of securing the food and weapons first. They hadn't had to learn to hunt like Katniss so getting a food stash early on was very important to them. Maybe… I could play up the baker's son angle and get them to take me on—I know that they were heartless, so the idea of me being in love with her would weaken me in their eyes. If I said I'd trade her life for access to their food they might believe it. Genetics had given me a much stockier build than most in 12 and it would help in their eyes, too, that I looked like one of them. I rolled over and off of the bed. In the huge mirror I flexed, looking at the definition in my pecs and biceps.I tried to view my body as a girl would, but I didn't know what they found attractive. I wondered what kind of physique Katniss liked. Gale was a thin guy. I knew he was a great hunter, so of course, he was light on his feet. How could he not be? Those in the Seam, they starved. I'd never gone hungry. I wondered if Katniss saw me as soft. She knew I was a little clumsy… Did she see the bulk on my frame and assume it was fat? Did she even notice that I had bulk? Did she wonder what my body felt like? She knew I was strong. I'd been ridiculously flattered that she'd told Haymitch about my strength and that I'd wrestled some in school.

The weird body polishing that they did to me had done wonders. My body looked tan and taut. My abdominal muscles stood out in sharp relief from my body when I tensed. There had been some discussion about how much of my body hair I would get to keep. In the end, thank God, my arms, legs, chest, lower stomach, and more tender areas got to remain as they were. Apparently, it was a first. Those in the Capitol seemed quite averse to body hair. I didn't know why. The idea of a completely hairless body on an adult just seemed perverse to me. Then again, hadn't I had a sampling tonight of just how wrong this city was?

I felt smothered and knew I needed out. I threw on a shirt and soon found my way up onto the roof. I could hear whoops and hollers of the people down in the streets. None of them were wondering if they would be alive tomorrow night. They were too busy enjoying tonight. Until the Reaping, I'd been similar to them in that aspect. I didn't worry about the future. I assumed I'd run the bakery, maybe get married and have children if I ever had the guts to ask Katniss out. If not… Well… I didn't know. But, I didn't worry about tomorrow. I was different now. I was scared shitless thinking of tomorrow.

I sat and watched the revelry, jealous of their carefree partying. Gooseflesh rose on my arms as the wind whipped around the top of the building. I knew I should head inside, but I wanted to enjoy just a few minutes more of "freedom" no matter how convoluted it was.

"You should be getting some sleep."

I felt my body stiffen, but I did manage to keep from screaming like a little girl. I had to learn to take the small victories, I guessed. I shook my head, chuckling at my own lunacy.

"I didn't want to miss the party. It's for us, afterall."

She stepped from the shadows, dressed in a long white fleece gown. Her feet are bare and probably freezing, but she doesn't seem uncomfortable. I stepped back from the railing and let her lean over to look at the partiers. My eyes took in the very slight swell of her hips and I had to restrain myself to keep from touching her hair, which was flowing down her back, loose, and dancing in the wind. As the wind blew it harder and it whipped around her face, she reached back and bunched it up in her hand, pulling the mass over her shoulder and holding onto it.

"Are they wearing costumes?" she asked, her back still to me.

"Who could tell with all the crazy clothes they wear here," I responded with a rueful shake of my head. She turned to look at me and I lost myself in her eyes. "Couldn't sleep either?"

Still looking me in the eyes intently, she said softly, "Couldn't turn my mind off."

I pressed my lips together for a moment, willing her to say, "I was thinking about you, Peeta." It didn't happen. I sighed, "Thinking about your family?"

"No. All I can do is wonder about tomorrow." She sighed. "Which is pointless, of course." Her gaze lowers from my eyes and slowly down my torso. Without really thinking, I feel myself tense, hoping my musculature is visible through this thin cotton shirt.

"I really am sorry about your hands."

"It doesn't matter, Katniss. I've never been a contender in these Games anyway."

She sounded angry with me when she snapped, "That's no way to be thinking."

I shrugged. "Why not? It's true. My best hope is to not disgrace myself and…" I thought of the doctor who'd propositioned me earlier in the night. I thought of the frivolous conversations of my prep team as they worked on me… I thought of Haymitch, unable to function without a bottle… I felt positively sick to my stomach.

"And what?" Her voice held a challenging note that made me wonder if she believed in happily ever after. Something tells me she didn't.

I felt helpless. "I don't know how to say it exactly. Only… I want to die as myself. Does that make any sense?"

She shook her head, looking at me with poorly disguised pity.

"I don't want them to change me in there. Turn me into some kind of monster that I'm not."

She bit her lip as she mulled over what I was saying. The cool air and wild lights from the dancing fools below us colored her cheeks as the wind blew tendrils of her hair lose. I was overwhelmed by just how beautiful she was. I felt my breath quicken and desire building in the pit of my stomach.

"Do you mean you won't kill anyone?" Instead of looking at me like I was stupid, Katniss looked fearful for me, as if I'd just said I'd kill myself at the sound of the gong.

"No…" I hesitated for just a moment, trying to phrase this properly before I spoke. "When the time comes, I'm sure I'll kill just like everybody else. I can't go down without a fight. Only, I keep wishing I could think of a way to… To show the Capitol they don't own me. That I'm more than just a piece in their Games. "

"But you're not. None of us are. That's how the Games work."

She didn't get it. "Okay. But… Within that framework, there's still you, there's still me. Don't you see?"

She still didn't. But, she hadn't seen what I've seen. I didn't want to be anything that the Capitol ccould enjoy.

"A little. Only… No offense, but who cares, Peeta?"

"I do. I mean, what else am I allowed to care about at this point?" Me! I wantded her to scream. Care about me! She didn't, though. But… I think the truth dawned on her and she knew what I want her to say. She stepped back, her eyes looking trapped.

"Care about what Haymitch said. About staying alive."

I wanted to scream. I've heard my brothers say women can be frustrating and God knows my dad puts up with a lot from my mother, but… This is just more than I can take and I spit out, "Okay. Thanks for the tip, sweetheart."

Her eyes flashed and she snapped, "Look. If you want to spend the last hours of your life planning some noble death in the arena, that's your choice. I want to spend mine in District 12."

"Wouldn't surprise me if you do," I sighed. "Give my mother my best when you make it back, will you?"

"Count on it," she snapped, turning from me abruptly.

I watched her walk away, sad that she didn't understand, angry that she refused to open her damn eyes and see how much I loved her, and still aroused by her sheer presence. So many conflicting emotions were never meant to be in one head. Instead of going to my room to try to rest, I leaned my back into the wall and continued to watch the revelry in the streets below.

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The end. Of this fic, anyway. I plan to tackle the cave scenes next. Please review if you like it. I know the last chapter was a little weak, but I needed a catalyst for Peeta to truly be disgusted by the Capitol. Plus, I just could hear one of the prep team saying, "Oh, Katniss likes it rough" LOL So, it had to be done.

I hope you enjoyed this fic as I REALLY enjoyed writing it. Reviews make stories happen faster, though, so… You know what to do!