Eating Me Alive

Chapter 5

I don't own Bleach

I woke up early that morning to find that I was along in the room. I got dressed and collected my things. once I was sure that I had everything I pushed the door open and walked out. I looked to the left to where the 10ths office was I wanted to make sure that I could get out without him seeing me. I know it was childish but I just couldn't talk to him, look at him, touch him anything. I slid the door shout and was about to walk out of the 10th when a hand grabbed my arm. I jumped and turned around to see Matsumoto looking at me with a small smile.

"trying to sneak out are you." She said it me "come on lets go and get some lunch looks like you need someone to talk to that isn't Toshiro or Izuru"

"um...no...It's only 10:15 in the morning" I tried "isn't lunch a more after noon thing"

She looked at me with that you can't get out of it look.

"that or I can take you into that office and tell him that you where trying to sneak out." she said "you think that little fight last night was bad I shutter to think how bad it would if he found out about you trying to sneak out."

I heaved a big sigh and nodded my head. She grabbed my arm drag me out of the 10ths office pushing it open. at first i thought that she was going to rat me out until she stopped at the door.

"Toshiro" She yelled in "I'm taking Momo to lunch we'll see you later"

I was worried that he was going to come out and talk to us but he didn't.

"Don't get drunk we have a lot of paper work to fill out." was all he said

The next thing I know I was dragged out of the 10th and out to lunch. I sat pushing my food around not really eating it. As she looked at me with her blue eyes and I felt myself really not want to be there any longer.

"OK Momo talk to me" She said after a moment "I know that this isn't about you trying to have Independence as a few have suggested. And I'm sure that there is more to this then Aizan...I promise that I wouldn't tell anyone what you tell me."

"Captain Hitsugaya" I said

Matsumoto chocked on her tea and looked at me through shocked eyes.

"Toshiro?" She asked "What about him?

"He almost died" I said fighting back my tears "I mean I know that it comes with our job and it's part of the life that we lead but I'll be damned if he puts himself in a place like that because of me again. I couldn't live with myself if he dies, died because of me."

Matsumoto looked at me again with a thoughtful look on her face. she smiled as she reached out and grabbed my had.

"I've know Toshiro for a wile now!" She said to me "Not as long as you have...but I can tell you this... he's more protective of you then anyone in the whole of soul society. He puts himself in that place because that's just how he is."

"Over protective!" I sighed

we both laughed and it felt good.

"that he is but it's more then that Momo" She sighed "I saw him when you where in the 4th it was like he was running on auto polite. He was there but he wasn't at the sometime. he wouldn't yell at me for not doing my half of the paper work, when he wasn't at the 10th he would be at the 4th with you I would OK so I would eavesdrop when he would talk to you. He would talk about when you where kids and what it was like for him when you left him for school and how this was so much harder for him. He wanted you to open you're eyes and he even said that if you did you could call him Lil' shiro all you wanted."

"this just adds to it" I said now crying

"Adds to what?"

I looked up at her through my tears

"the guilt" I said "the guilt that's eating me alive Matsumoto."

"then don't let it." She said to me "What's done is done. Stop dwelling on it. Aizan betrayed you, tried to kill you yes. But look at me and Izuru. Gin was my childhood friend much like you and Toshiro. He was Izuru's Captain and true he didn't try to kills us I'm sure that if we got in his way he would have. what about Captain Sajin Komamura he was a close friend to Captain Kaname we've all felt the bash of this. The difference is...you where damn near close to death because of it all."

I looked at her and took a bight of my food. It was good to be reminded about the fact that there where other that where going through all this at the same time.

"You're not alone in this Momo" She said with a smile "You have me, Izuru and Toshiro. So stop trying to do this alone! Let those that love you help you."

We ate the rest of are meal not talking. She and I walked back to the 10th together talking about Captain Hitsugaya.

"I always had a feeling that he would end up a captain." I told her "when we where little we would sit and eat watermelon and his pile was always so much bigger then mine and I was going to school. I would talk and talk and he would spit the seeds at me...you know now that I look back on it I think he did that to get me to stop talking about it. I do tend to talk a lot."

We reached the 10th I kind of kept back not wanting to really go in and see him. Matsumoto looked at me and smiled taking my hand.

"I have to go back in but you don't" She said to me "you can keep right on walking about go about you day. But sooner or later you're going to have to talk to him. and just between us girls better sooner rather then later."

She left me outside of the 10th. I really had to made up my mind about this. I was about to walk off when I realized something...it hit me like a ton of bricks. Could the reason that he would go to all that for me was because he thought of me as more then just a friend?

"That can't be it" I said out loud

It was in that moment I felt sad that I had just tried to tell myself that he couldn't. I felt my eyes open with shock. That was the reason that he's smell made me fell so safe, why I felt so guilty, why the thought of him dieing because of me hurt me so much and why I fought him so hard the night before. I looked at the door to the 10th took a deep breath and pushed it open. I walked to the office door and knocked.

"Yeah" Captain Hitsugaya said

"5th division lieutenant Momo Hinamori" I stated "asking permission to enter sir"