She stared into the darkness that surrounded her, his light snore the only sound alerting her senses. The red light on the clock next to her was glaring the number three. She had been awake for the past three hours, restlessly trying to compose the jumble of thoughts in her head. Finn had been lying camatose beside her since his head hit the pillows four hours ago. She had planned to discuss the issue with him earlier, but he had returned home exhausted and unfocused after a late night at the office and she decided to wait. Waiting had never been her strong point. Now at three in the morning, Rachel found that she just could not wait any longer. Gently roaming her hand over him as she tried to find his arm, she heard him snort in surprise as she accidentally hit him on the stomach before he turned to face her and slept on, one arm thrown carelessly over her middle.
"Finn?" she whispered softly, feeling his breath fan across her face as she turned towards him. She pushed against his arm gently, trying to wake him up. "Finn wake up. This is important." . She shook his arm persistently, gradually using more of her strength to wake him. He grunted in annoyance as he swatted her arm away. Rachel sighed. Trying to wake a sleeping Finn was never an easy task. But time was of the essence. This was an imperative matter.
"Finn!" she hissed, nudging his chest harder. "Honey wake up!"
"Hmm?" She was almost there. One more swift aim to the chest and he would be back in the land of the living.
"Finn?" she whispered as he grunted in surprise at the force of her soft blow.
"Huh?" he mumbled sleepily. He said something else, but it was too incoherent for her to decipher. She ignored it.
"We need to discuss a very crucial matter. This pertains to the happiness of our future." She pushed against him one more time.
"Okay baby," he mumbled, still half asleep as he buried his head into the crook of her neck and tightened his arm around her. Rachel leaned her head back and pushed his away.
"Are you lucid?"
"Uh-huh."
"Finn!" she hissed. She heard him groan in the dark.
"It's sleeping time Rach," he muttered. "We go to sleep,"
"Good you're awake," she answered, satisfied. "I just wanted to inform you," she stopped to take a deep breath "That I'm ready."
"Great," he answered sleepily, pulling her body against him as he swung one leg across her hip and hugged her like she was a bolster. Rachel rolled her eyes, her body automatically burying itself further into his arms.
"Don't you want to know what I'm ready for?"
"Bed?"
"No." Finn sighed in resignation as she laid her hand on top of his. He turned his palm upwards and weaved their fingers together.
"I give up. What are you ready for Mrs Hudson?"
"Well," she paused for effect. "A family," she answered simply. He was quiet. She thought it might be because of the shock her words had brought. Until she heard the familiar rhythm of his breath and realized he had gone back to sleep. She huffed in annoyance, put out by his inability to stay awake. She wondered if any part of his subconscious even heard her. Burying herself further into his embrace, she rested her head against his chest in resignation, the sound of his heartbeat lulling her to sleep.
Two hours later, Rachel was jolted awake by something franctically shaking her whole body. She opened her eyes slowly, blinded by the light coming from the bedside table. His face loomed over hers as he called out her name, his expression anxious.
"What?" she asked irritably, wishing he would just stop so that she could go back to sleep.
"What did you say?" he asked urgently. He was kneeling over her, his legs making a dent in the mattress on either side of her thighs. Rachel sighed.
"What?"
"You said you were ready. Or was I dreaming? Did you say you were ready?" He was staring at her intently, one hand cupping her jaw to gently force her to look up.
"I did. As I recall you weren't particularly interested to know what for." she answered peevishly. Rachel caught the almost hopeful look that passed over his face and felt herself softening. Finn leaned farther over her until his face was just inches away.
"Ready for what?" he asked, both hands cupping her face.
"Bed?" she teased, remembering their earlier conversation as the last vestige of sleep left her brain. He didn't crack a smile.
"Ready for what Rach?" he repeated softly, by now completely lying on top of her, his face full of anticipation. She smiled softly at him, feeling her heart expand at the look he was giving her.
"A family," she whispered softly, catching his gaze.
The smile started with his eyes. She could see the corners crinkling as the realization dawned in his expression. It moved down to the left corner of his lips as it pulled upward slightly before moving towards the right as his full blown smile came to fruition. She was inexplicably reminded of the first time he ever told her he loved her, moments before they had to be on stage, and of the smile that had taken her breath away. The comfortable pressure of his body dissapeared when he suddenly jumped out of bed, joyously laughing as he pulled her up with him. His joy was infectious and she found herself laughing along happily.
"I thought it was a dream," he whispered as he pulled her into a bear hug. "I thought I was dreaming." Rachel snaked her arms around his waist, pulling him tighter against her.
"I'm sorry I waited so long," she whispered into his chest. "I'm sorry you had to wait so long." She felt his laughter reveberate against her ear.
"It doesn't matter. You're ready now. We're ready."
"We're ready," she repeated, grinning like an idiot.
"So," he began casually after a heartbeat. "We should probably start as soon as possible." She nodded nonchalantly in affirmation.
"You know how much I detest procrastination." His wicked grin left her breathless. She squealed in surprise as he swiftly picked her up and threw her onto the bed.
XXX
Trying to have a baby was fun. Trying to have a baby was a lot of fun.
XXX
She paced back and forth anxiously as she waited for the timer to go off. She had a good feeling about this. Rachel thought that if she wanted it to happen this badly, than what other choice was there but for her wish to come true? Rachel Berry always got what she wanted. She heard the 'ding' of the timer go off and was in front of the sink in a flash, excitedly picking up the stick. She felt herself deflating at the result. Finn was going to be dissapointed. She looked up into the mirror and set her face into a look of determination. It was fine. She was nothing if not resilient. After all as they say, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
XXX
After her eighth failed result, the restlessness began to settle in. She broke down and started crying in the middle of relaying the bad news and spent the whole night in his arms as he told her over and over again that it was okay. They had time.
They missed her carefully planned schedule that night.
As he tightened his arms around her exhausted, sleeping form, he couldn't shake away the familiar feeling of dissapoinment that always seemed to hit him like a ton of bricks.
XXX
After thirteen months, trying to have a baby wasn't so fun anymore. Suddenly, there were all these rules they had to follow. She insisted on complying to every single one. Every. Single. Time. There were certain ways to touch one another, certain ways that weren't allowed. Spontaneity was a big no no. Every single move was calculated and predicted. It began to feel like a chore. Another check in the list of things to do.
The thought alarmed him, and it was almost enough to make him stop.
But he saw the hope that flashed across her face every time it's over and held his tongue.
XXX
Fifteen failed tests later, she insisted that something must be wrong. The baby had turned into an almost obsession for the both of them and he was willing to do anything, anything, for it to be something that can be fixed.
XXX
Dr. Zanki was a large man, with a piercing gaze and and an open face. The first time Finn saw the man, he was reminded inexplicably of Santa Clause. If Santa had been Persian anyway. He smiled encouragingly at the couple as they both clasped each other's hand nervously, his thumb grazing over her knuckles, attempting to sooth the restlessness that overcame them both.
"I'm happy to say," the doctor began in his slight Persan accent. "That all of the test results came back negative. There is absolutely nothing wrong with either one of you." Rachel frowned and sat up straighter in her chair. He tightened his grip on her hand.
"Nothing?" she asked dubiously. "No genetic defects? No hormonal imbalances? None whatsoever?"
"Everything seems to be fine Mrs Hudson. The two of you are in the pink of health."
"Oh." He understood her dejection, even if Dr Zanki was looking at the both of them in bemusement. Rachel looked up at the man, the dissatisfaction showing on her face. "Then why can't I get pregnant?"
"My guess would be that it's just the timing. You seem to be catching each other at the wrong moments, so to speak."
"That's impossible," she answered stubbornly, letting go of his hand and clasping hers together tightly in front of her. "We have been trying for more than a year. I have timed our schedules perfectly to coincide with my menstruation cycle. I never miss my birth control pills. Our schedule is impeccable." Too impeccable, he couldn't help thinking. His wife was still furiously explaining the ridiculousness of the past year and was the doctor really a hundred percent certain there wasn't somehing wrong with either one of them that could fix the situation? Finn just felt tired. Dr. Zanki was looking at them thoughtfully.
"May I show you something?" he finally asked once Rachel had vented out her frustrations. She nodded her head imperceptibly, visibly upset, while Finn managed a small smile that he hoped was accomodating. The doctor reached forward for the frame on his desk and turned it around.
"This is my wife, Zahra," he began, pointing towards a woman wearing a headscarf who smiled prettily into the camera while a small girl who looked like she was maybe five grinned toothlessly on her mother's lap. "And this little beauty over here is Maryam. She will be five in a week."
"You have a beautiful family," Rachel said softly. Finn took her hand again and squeezed gently and smiled a little as she squeezed back harder.
"Thank you very much," Dr. Zanki answered, a proud smile on his face. "My wife and I, we met as students right here in America. When we got married, we were both twenty. Now you can tell from this hagard face that I'm no longer a young soul. In fact, we just celebrated our twentieth anniversary two months ago."
"Congratulations," Finn said. The doctor smiled and nodded a thank you while he continued with his story. Finn knew his wife was getting restless by the subtle way she fidgeted in her chair.
"We were both thirty five when we had Maryam," he said softly, staring intently at Rachel. "We never thought we would be blessed with a child. Fifteen years of marriage and twelve years of hoping to conceive." The doctor shook his head wearily at the memory. "We were both resigned to accept that maybe children were just not something written in our destinies." Rachel had stiffened in her chair and Finn wished he knew what she was thinking. He couldn't tell by the almost stoic expression on her face. Dr. Zanki was still speaking. Finn turned his attention back towards him.
"You know, Mr and Mrs Hudson," he said slowly, as if thinking over he was thinking over his words carefully. "In my religion, as, I'm sure in all others too, we believe that children are a blessing. A gift from the good Lord. And sometimes gifts," he smiled fondly at the picture in his hand before he looked back up at the two of them, his expression serious. "They mean so much more when you have toiled an strived. We waited years for our Maryam and she has brought immense light and joy into our lives. Every dissapointing result and false conclusion has made her presence in this world that much sweeter for us." Dr. Zanki smiled kindly at them. "Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you?" Finn nodded his head slowly. He got it. There was nothing that could be done. Except to wait some more.
"Yes. Thank you doctor."
The ride home was quiet. Rachel seemed to be somewher far away and he just felt too weary to try and strike up a conversation. They stopped for Chinese take out along the way and returned home to an equally quiet dinner, both lost in their own thoughts. It was funny how his patience seemed to be wearing so thin when he had waited years for her to say yes so calmly. They had both anticipated a baby so expectantly, the long wait had started to wear them down.
There was an undercurrent of strain in their relationship that scared him. The act of making love, something that they both never used to tire of, was starting to feel like a hassle, a futile action that never seemed to bring the desired result. They used to begin every time with huge grins plastered on their faces, eagerly anticipating. Months later, it somehow turned into something they both resented, something full of false promises.
It wasn't until she decided to turn in early did her realize that they haven't said a word to each other since the doctor's office. Half an hour later Finn sighed and stood up from the couch, leaving the game he was watching. He didn't really know what was going on anyway. Rachel was already in bed, her eyes shut tightly as she laid on her side. He knew she wasn't sleeping. He kneeled on the floor next to her side and brushed back the lock of hair that fell over her face before he kissed her forehead. Her eyes flew open and the determination that colored them caused a feeling of wariness to rise within him.
"We need a new doctor," she said primly. His hand froze on the crown of her head as he stared at her in confusion. Dr. Zanki had been her gyneacologist for years. She loved the man.
"Why?" he finally asked. Rachel sat up abruptly and leaned againts the headboard, her arms folded defensively across her chest.
"He obviously thinks that I don't have God's blessing. We don't need that kind of negative energy surrounding us when we are trying to conceive Finn. A positive environment is imperative for a successful conception." Finn stared back into her defiant eyes blankly, trying his best to figure out his wife's train of thought and how she managed to reach the conclusion that she had. After a moment of silence where she sat and gazed at him expectantly while he was still trying to figure her out, he gave up.
"Rach," he began carefully. "I don't think that was what he meant at all."
"Of course it was! What was that whole thing about children being a blessing and God's gift then? Obviously he thinks I'm undeserving of a child because here I am, toiling and striving to conceive with no apparent result to speak of." Clearly, she was being ridiculous. But even clearer, he knew there was no arguing with her when she went off into one of her dramatic spirals. And frankly, he was just too damned tired of it all to even try. She was going to come to her senses. Eventually.
"Fine," he answered quietly. Her eyebrows flew up in surprise as she stared at him. "We'll find a new doctor if you want. I'll ask around the office tomorrow."
"Thank you," she answered quietly, unable to hide the uncertainty that passed through her face away from him. He cupped her face gently in the palms of his hands as his gaze bore into hers.
"I love you, Rachel." How long has it been since he told her that? He couldn't remember the last time. The startled look on her face told him she probably couldn't either.
"I love you too Finn," she replied softly. The smile grew involuntarily on both their faces as he pulled on her hair gently, something he hadn't done in a long time.
"I'm going to get ready for bed, okay?"
"Okay."
She was already asleep when he stepped out of their bathroom. Rachel laid on her side, facing his side of the bed, both hands tucked under her chin, eyes closed. Finn turned off the light and settled himself next to her as he laid on his back and stared into the darkness before him. He didn't feel like sleeping. He turned to his side to face her, unable to see but aware that she was right there in front of him. Just as he was about to reach out for her, she spoke and caught him by surprise.
"I don't want to end up like my mother." Her words were quiet but clear. She hadn't been sleeping after all. He said nothing as he stared into the direction where he knew her face was. He knew it better than he knew his own. There wasn't a freckle that he hadn't memorized. And he knew that right then, her face was set in a grim expression as she formed her words.
"You're nothing like her," he finally said.
"Look at me. I'm thirty two years old. I'm going to be thirty three in a month. And what do I have to show for my life? Trophies and recognition, these were the things I craved for ever since I can remember, but now," He heard her soft sigh in the dark. "They just seem so pointless. I can feel my clock ticking away Finn. What if we can't have this baby? Studies have shown that it gets harder to conceive once you reach your thirties. I wasted all this time on such trivial things, just like she did. And now, now when I've realized it, it might be too late."
"Your dreams were never trivial Rachel," he said softly. He was still staring at her, straight into the wide eyes that he knew were staring right back into his.
"Shelby didn't want a baby until it was too late because she was selfish. She didn't want to give away any part of herself. She wanted it all for her own. And then it was too late. I'm like that. Selfish. Just like her." This weird... whatever between them had to end. He just couldn't bear the thought of growing apart any longer. He loved her. And he wanted that child. But not at the expense of them.
"Listen to me. You're not selfish. You're not. Do you know how I know?" He didn't wait for her answer. "It's cause you have one thing Shelby never had. You have me. You love me. And there is no way in hell that you could love me like you do if you were like her. Baby I'm not saying that you're selfless. We both know that's not true. But selfish people don't give pieces of their hearts away the that way you do. They don't love the way you do, the way you love me." He felt her shudder next to him. Finn reached out a hand towards her face and felt the wetness of her cheeks.
"Why aren't you furious at me?" she asked, the guilt in her voice clear as day. "I wasted so much time. And you gave up so much for me. And you were so patient and you kept telling me only when I'm ready. And I knew how much you wanted this. I knew how selfish I was being when I pretended like we had all the time in the world because we don't Finn." Her voice grew more hysterical with each word as he wiped away the tears that fell rapidly onto her pillow. "All you wanted was a family," she said quietly, her voice hoarse. " And I couldn't even give you that." He frowned into the darkness, his frustration reaching its peak. That was it. He leaned over her to turn on her bedside lamp. In the sudden brightness of the room he saw her as she looked up at him, tears still streaming quietly down her face.
"Stop it," he said quietly, an undercurrent of anger veiled in his tone. "You're being stupid. The words that just came out of your mouth are all bullshit." Rachel's eyebows shot up to the top of her head in surprise. He had both her shoulders in a death grip by then and hauled her up so that they were eye-level with each other. "Every single one. Everything I have ever done, every 'sacrifice' I made has been for me. Because I love you. It wasn't because of you. I love you. I would've followed you anywhere because life without you would mean living in misery for the rest of my life. This is a family Rach." He shook her a little to emphasize his point. "Me and you. The two of us. We're family. You're my home Rachel. I don't need a baby to know that. Just like you don't need one to know that I'm yours."
"Yes, I want kids. But you're missing the point Rachel. I want your child. I want a little girl that looks like you, that would have your hair and my eyes and who would sing before she could speak, just like her mom. And maybe a little boy that loves to toss around a football, that likes to drive his mom crazy because he keeps banging on the pots and pans in the kitchen. But if I can't have that? You think that means we're not a family? Look at us." Finn released his hold on her shoulders and circled one arm around her waist as he pulled her in closer and enveloped her into a tight hug, his lips pressed firmly next to her right ear. "This is what I want the most," he whispered furiously. "You are what I want the most. And I have you. I have all of you." He felt her fists bunch up his shirt as she held on tight. There was a growing wet spot on his chest, just above where his heart lay.
"If this doesn't work, if we can't make our own baby, we can adopt Rach. Heck, we'll adopt a whole orphanage if you want. We'll make our own choir and you can boss them around to your heart's content until they turn into teenagers and start hating us." Rachel let out a strange sound between a sob and a laughter and he held her tighter. "There are other ways to have kids Rachel," he said softly. Finn leaned his head back to plant a kiss on her forehead. "What matters is that it's you and it's me. And that we do it together. That's all that matters to me."
She was still crying quietly in his arms. Gently, Finn laid them both down on the bed. He loomed over her body, staring at her intently as he felt the the burning sensation in the back of his eyes. He leaned down and kissed her lips softly before he moved on to every visible surface on her face. He placed his lips on every wet spot that he could find and when a drop of water fell on the corner of her left cheek and made its way into her hair, he couldn't tell whose tears it were that he was tracing anymore. Rachel circled her arms around his neck as she pulled him down on top of her and met his lips in a searing kiss that left him momentarily stunned. She was kissing him the way she used to kiss him before everything became too much, like he was the only thing that existed in her world. He recovered quickly and reciprocated with vigour, missing the way it felt to love each other so physically.
"I love you," she mumbled against his lips right before he slipped his tongue between hers hungrily, rendering her speechless. Her strangled moans were muffled by his mouth as his hands slipped in between them and made their way under his old Mckinley High sweatshirt that she had on. He splayed one hand over her belly, feeling the heat emanating from her body before he gripped the edge of the shirt to pull it off her. No more rules and specific instructions on how to touch. They were going to go by feel from then on. Just like they did before.
XXX
They laid languidly in bed, a tangled mess of limbs and sweat. His wife drew random patterns across his chest with her forefinger and Finn felt a welcomed sense of calmness wash over him. He looked down at the woman in his arms and wiped away the sweat that formed on her forehead that had caused strands of her hair to stick uncomfortably over her face. She looked up and caught his gaze, the happiness radiating off of her in waves.
"I missed you," she said quietly as she took the hand that rested on her head and placed a soft kiss in the middle of his palm, her gaze never leaving his.
"I missed you too." She laid her head down on his chest, right over his most vital organ, and listened intently to the music of his heartbeat. After a few minutes of contented silence, Rachel was the first to say something.
"Finn?"
"Hmm?"
"Anwar is an excellent gyneacologist." He smiled.
"I know."
"I was exaggerating when I said I wanted a new doctor. I didn't mean it." He tugged gently at a lock of her hair before he tucked them behind her ear.
"I know."
"Finn?"
"Yeah?"
"Thank you."
"For what baby?"
"For being you."
"Ditto."
XXX
She woke up mere seconds before she felt it, the sudden outburst of pain that seemed to come from somewhere deep in her belly. Vaguely, she felt the wetness.
"Finn." She shook his arm urgently. "Finn!"
"Wha-?" he asked blearily as he was jolted awake. She felt the anticipation grow inside her.
"It's time."
"Time?" His mind seemed to have cleared instantly. "Baby time?"
"Baby time." Finn was up in a flash, hastily throwing on the clothes that had been laid out since a week before. Everything else was already prepared, including her bag of clothes, stashed neatly in the trunk of their car. As he ran over to help her up, she placed a hand on his wrist. He looked up at her and they both shared the same, ear-splitting grin.
"We're ready," he said softly, his eyes shining. She knew hers must be too.
"We're ready."