The first time he sees her, Rachel is two and a half months along. He sits by his wife's side as Dr Zanki slathers some liquid on her (still) flat belly and holds her hand. For just a split second, his mind propels back to when he was sixteen and was having another baby with another girl.
He's never been more grateful at how things had ended up playing out.
Dr Zanki tells them to look at the monitor and they do.
She's the size of a peanut.
Rachel starts to cry because she's so happy and he thinks that he's just fallen deeply, irrevocably and inescapably in love.
He should have known that women with the Berry gene would have him wrapped around their little fingers for the rest of his life.
Xxx
Rachel's motherly instinct kicks in during the third month of her pregnancy when her eyes zero in on a flyer tacked on the hospital's general board. She goes home and finds her friend, Lord Google, and sits in front of the computer for four hours straight until he threatens to spend the night watching the Monster Truck Rally on cable if she doesn't hurry up and get ready for dinner.
"I'm taking Infant CPR classes," she announces over his slightly burnt, but decent attempt at tofu burgers.
"That's nice," he says and almost chokes on his potatoes. Talk about irony.
"It's a one week course," she says, once she's done thumping him on the back. "I feel like this is a very crucial medical technique that a well-equipped mother needs to acquire Finn."
"We'll sign you up tomorrow."
She passes the Infant CPR test.
She goes on to take the course on CPR for children above one, CPR for adults and the Heimlich manoeuvre ("This one's for you, baby," she tells him when he drops her off for the first class.)
Xxx
She gets her first craving at five months. She wakes him up in the middle of the night, at three in the fucking morning, and she tells him that she wants a pickle sandwich with mustard dressing. It takes him a while to fully regain consciousness and when he does, he asks her if she's serious.
"I'm hungry," she whines instead. "I need a sandwich."
"At three o'clock in the morning?"
"Finn."
"Fine," he sighs and shuffles out of bed into the kitchen. He thinks it's so much easier to be a good husband and a doting father-to-be when it's not at an ungodly hour and he wasn't just jolted awake by a swift punch in the shoulder.
He makes a face while she eats because, pickles and mustard? Really?
After four nights in a row, he's taken to making her eat them for supper before she goes to bed. He gets to sleep blissfully after that.
Until a month later when she wakes him up at four and tells him urgently to go to the store because they ran out of whipped cream for her pickles.
Damn pickles.
Xxx
She kicks for the first time at five months. Rachel's head is on his lap, for once not bemoaning the football match that he has on, and he's absent-mindedly rubbing his hand over her swollen (finally!) belly.
"Whoa," he starts when he feels something protruding against his palm. He looks down at his wife and her eyes are wide as she looks back at him.
"What was that?" he asks and he feels it again.
"It's the baby," she tells him giddily as she presses her palm over his. "She's kicking."
It feels surreal for a moment, like he's in one of those bad Sci Fi movies and there's a mutant growing inside of his wife. It freaks him out a little, until he remembers that duh, that's his daughter. Rachel weaves their fingers together and pulls his hand up to her lips.
When she rests their intertwined hands back on her belly, she kicks again.
It takes a few weeks to realize that she likes to kick when daddy's talking and she keeps real quiet when mommy sings. So he talks to her belly a lot, all day long, and he whispers that they're going to be a team, him and his baby girl, and they're going to have so much fun behind mommy's back and that's when Rachel would flick him playfully on the forehead.
When Rachel gets tired of the kicking, she sings. They cease immediately and in the beginning she worries that their daughter hates her voice.
"She's enamoured," he assures her.
xxx
They go shopping for baby clothes when she's six months along and she suggests it might be time for Baby Girl Hudson to get her wardrobe.
"Don't go crazy," he tells her before they step foot into the store. "We don't need eleven baby jumpers."
They walk into Pumpkin Patch and it's like new man's land, with haggard parents and screaming children everywhere. Rachel turns to look at him in alarm, but his eyes are oddly fixated on the onesie on display with "I Love Daddy" stamped across the front.
"I thought you said don't go crazy," she comments wryly two hours later when he's happily pushing a brand new stroller with big wheels (good balance) and three respectable sized shopping backs inside.
Xxx
At eight and a half months, Rachel is huge, angry and can barely move. And cranky. Very, very cranky.
"I just want this to be over!" she yells one night in a fit of frustration as she tried and failed to get herself up from the couch. He hastily walks over towards her to grab her arm and she pushes him away.
"I'm huge and I can barely stand up when I sit down! I can't fit into my shoes anymore! I can't go out because my shoes don't fit me! I have hair all over the place! And my breasts are bigger, and it feels strange like I had implants or something! I hate this! I hate this!"
She's crying hysterically on the couch and he hides his smile before her wrath could turn on him, but he can't help it. She looks adorable, his tiny wife, with her huge stomach and her swollen feet and her bigger breasts (Amen), letting out huge, five year old sobs on the couch as she stamps her foot in frustration.
He kneels down next to her and drapes one arm across her back and another under her knees and gathers her up against his chest. She sobs quietly into his neck with her arms around it the whole time he carries her to the bedroom. He puts her gently on the bed and she's looking up at him with tear-filled eyes, absolutely miserable. He leans his forehead on hers.
"Hey," he whispers softly. "Don't knock those new breasts. They're fucking awesome."
"That's how you make me feel better?" she asks incredulously although a giggle escapes her lips soon after.
"You are not huge. Okay, maybe huge for you, but baby I promise you it's only a few weeks. And I'm here aren't I? I'll carry you anywhere you want to go," he promises.
"I have huge feet," she complains softly, without a trace of bitterness this time.
"Have you seen mine?" he asks, raising an eyebrow. She laughs.
"But I used to have dainty feet. They were cute. And dainty."
"They still are babe. Now they're just cute and dainty and swollen."
"Ugh."
"You know," he whispers softly in her ear. "She can hear you."
Instantly he sees the guilt coloring his wife's face as her hands move towards her stomach. He laughs quietly against her neck.
He helps her shave her legs. He does a spectacularly shitty job of it. But there is no earthly way for her to actually see them so it's okay. She kisses him anyway when he's done.
"Thank you."
"Anything to tamper down that rage Rach- Ow! I mean for you. Anything for you."
Xxx
She jolts him awake at three in the morning and at first he thinks, not again, no more late night pickles!, but then he hears her say baby time and he's springing up to his feet in a flash. She's groaning at the contractions, but she's smiling to and his heart is hammering Rock Metal against his chest. He kneels on the floor to help her up and he just has to say it.
"We're ready," he tells her, his eyes shining with anticipation.
"We're ready," she repeats.
Here comes Lily.
Xxx
She screams loud, painful screams that seem to rip right out of her throat and he's whispering in her ear that she's doing great.
Just a little more baby.
She's coming Rach.
You're doing great.
You're amazing.
IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou.
He's telling her she's going to be okay but really, he's ..
She groans and screams as she pushes again and it's been what, two hours? He'd lost the feel of his hand an hour back when she had pretty much squeezed it boneless. He really, really wishes that Lily will come out soon because he's ready to pass out if it isn't for the fact that Rachel will kill him if he does.
Never again, he swears to himself. Never again is he putting his wife through this much torture and pain because . There is a baby-sized baby coming out of her- her vagina and how the fuck is that possible, he had thought until he realized that doctor Zanki was fucking cutting something under there and no, it wasn't the umbilical cord.
"Finn!" she screams "I can't do this anymore!"
"You can baby, you can," he assures her urgently, repeatedly kissing her forehead as she squeezes his hand even harder.
"Let it out!" she screams at the doctor. "Letitoutletitoutletitout!"
"Push Rachel. One more honey, just one more," Dr Zanki says calmly and Finn wonders how he's not freaking the fuck out. He wonders why everyone else is not freaking the fuck out. What the fuck is wrong with these people?
He doesn't hear it. He's too focused on trying not to black out and trying to tell Rachel that she's amazing and he doesn't hear it at first. Not until Rachel's crying and laughing and looking up at him in exhaustion.
"She's here," she whispers, her voice hoarse.
"What?" he asks dazedly.
xxx
Rachel's exhausted and knocked out cold on the hospital bed and he's exhausted and waiting for the feeling to return to his limp hand as he slumps against the chair next to her bed. Nurse Avery comes in and smiles at him and she's rolling in Lily. He jumps up immediately.
"I'll just leave her here for a while," Nurse Avery says and he smiles at her gratefully. She leaves and he's staring at the tiny little form bundled in pink. She's tiny, Lily. Really, really tiny. She was wailing bloody murder in the delivery room, covered in blood and some white substance he didn't even want to know the name of, and they took her away while he was still in a daze.
But she's clean now, and she's quiet and she's tiny.
He picks her up carefully and rocks her back and forth before he settles himself back into the chair.
"Hey there," he says quietly. "Hey there Lily. You wore your mommy out."
He stares at her tiny face a little longer and pulls back the pink blanket to count her fingers and her toes because that's what people always check right? To look for ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes? He bundles her up again and smiles.
"I feel like an introduction is in order. I mean, we haven't officially introduced ourselves yet, what with you being occupied with all that crying and me waiting for my blood circulation to return. Anyway, I'm Finn. You can call me daddy, or dad, whichever you prefer. That woman over there on that bed is Rachel, and she's your mommy. And you," he whispers, tracing a finger over the delicate features of her face. "You're Lily. Lily Eva Hudson. You're the kid, just so you know. And we, the three of us, we're a family."
"You know Lily, I think you have my nose. That definitely did not come from Rachel," he tells her, grazing his knuckle softly over the bridge of her tiny nose. "And that's mommy's mouth. And maybe you'll get my height. Not so tall though, 'cause being freakishly tall sucks sometimes. You'll get your mom's talent, she's amazing you know, and-"
Lily opens her eyes, for just a second, and he thinks she's looking right at him. She's looking right at him even though everybody is going to tell him that's not possible. He knows. He laughs softly because he's so ridiculously happy that he could streak into every room in this hospital and shout it out loud, but he can't, so he laughs.
"That's your mommy's eyes, you got those heart-melting eyes. I'm never going to say no to you, am I? We'll discuss this later. Welcome home Lily."
Xxx
"How are you so much better at this than me?" Rachel grumbles two days later when Lily comes home with them. He grins as he pulls the onesie down and buttons it up before scooping Lily up and handing her to his wife.
"Have you forgotten about my baby-sitting prowess?" he jokes.
"How could I forget about Sam and her love-struck ways," Rachel mutters as she holds their daughter close.
"You have no idea how many diapers I have changed in my life," he boasts as she rolls her eyes and sticks out her tongue at him.
"Good. So you're on diaper duty," she says primly and turns around.
"Hey!"
"Well you know I'm never going to be as good as you at this," she answers as she bats her eyelashes and uses Lily as her shield. He stares at her as she shoots him a devilish grin and walks away, at a loss for words, wondering how he just managed to get himself saddled with changing diapers for the next two years of his life.
Xxx
Lily smiles for the first time after Rachel fed her. She's trying to get her to burp and he sees the smile on that pretty little face.
Okay, so it's really gas.
It's still pretty.
xxx
Lily is a crier. She really loves crying.
She doesn't discriminate either.
Morning, afternoon, night, twilight, dawn, she cries through all of them.
Rachel's close to crying herself and his friends from the office have been giving him all these knowing and sympathetic looks and he thinks it's because of the Zombie-like way he moves through the day.
But Perry Como always does the trick. He thinks their daughter's a genius. It's only fitting that his stargazer's favorite lullaby is Catch a Falling Star.
He just wishes he doesn't have to sing it on a continuous loop all through the night.
Xxx
He wakes up in the middle of the night when Lily turns one month old to find Rachel missing. He's about to get up and look for her when he hears her to through the baby monitor.
"Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket, never let it fade away."
He grins and lies back down, listening to her voice as it lulls him back to sleep.
Xxx
Lily gets sick for the first time when she's three months old. She gets a cold and she's retching and crying her tiny little heart out and they take turns to hold her through the night.
Rachel wakes him up at three, mumbles that it's his turn and he walks blindly towards the nursery.
He should have known that something is wrong when she's not crying. He reaches her cot and picks her up and she's not breathing. He looks down in confusion and Lily has her eyes and her mouth open, but she's not breathing.
OhGod.
Her face is blue.
"Rachel!" The yell tears right out of his throat and he feels his heart stop beating. Rachel comes skidding in, bleary eyed, seconds later.
"What happened?" she asks in a panic and he's still holding their daughter in his arms, frozen in fear. He doesn't know what happened, but Lily's ripped out from his arms and Rachel's carrying her over to the rocking chair and she's turning their baby over on her lap and he can't think.
His mind is still paralyzed with terror. He hears Rachel muttering hysterically under her breath. Mumbling steps and procedures and he can't think.
Seconds pass, or maybe minutes, he can't be sure.
But it feels like light-years.
He hears a tiny cough, and then a loud wail.
Rachel's crying along with Lily as she holds her close and he doesn't know how he's managing it, but he's walking over to them, falling on his knees in front of them, and he's crying too.
"I- I-" He can't speak, can't think, but he hears Lily crying and he's never, ever going to complain about her volume ever again.
"Infant CPR," Rachel chokes out as he presses his forehead against hers, their still living, still breathing daughter carefully cradled in between them, her cries receding. Rachel takes another shuddering breath and sobs again. "I was the best student in that class."
He looks up at her crying face and kisses her fiercely, and he knows that his wife is going to be his hero for the rest of his life.
Xxx
Lily smiles for real when she's four months old and he's changing her diaper and making stupid faces. He sticks out his tongue and flares his nose and he sees her smile as she holds up her pudgy little hands towards him.
He grins and blows raspberries on her belly and Lily laughs for the first time.
Xxx
Rachel is crazy. She's crazy and she's insane and there's no way in hell that he's letting their daughter take swimming classes when she's six month old.
"We don't even have a pool!" he exclaims and she rolls her eyes and tells him that it's not the point. No way, he tells her.
Three days later it's a Saturday and he's driving them down to the swimming pool to meet a woman called Jenny and he's not speaking to his wife. Rachel's ignoring him and turns in her seat to coo at their daughter and Lily laughs.
He feels betrayed.
Xxx
Lily's learning to crawl at eight months, only she's doing it backwards. Her head bobs up and down like a turtle, and he laughs his ass off at the sight.
He comes home one day to a lot of squealing and opens the door to find Al and Rachel locked together in an ecstatic embrace. He raises an eyebrow at them and they're both jumping and yelling excitedly over one another and he understands absolutely nothing.
"Look! Look!" Rachel squeals, pointing to the floor. He looks down, and there's his Lily, crawling ever so slowly towards him, laughing her cute little baby laugh. He grins and drops to the floor to meet her halfway as she makes her way to him. He picks her up and gently throws her in the air, despite the sound of Rachel's alarmed cries, and laughs jubilantly.
"Go Lily!" he crowed, picking up one of her tiny hand and giving her a little victorious fist bump.
Xxx
She is ten months old and he sits on the bleachers and watches Rachel and Lily in the swimming pool, Rachel listening intently to every word coming out of Jenny's mouth and Lily, happily splashing her hands in the water.
Suddenly, Rachel lets go of their daughter and Lily's submerged in the water and he's standing up, about to yell 'What the hell are you doing?', but Lily turns by herself and she's floating calmly in the pool.
He staggers back down against the bench and thinks that ten years have just been taken from his life.
Xxx
At eleven months old, Lily is an expert crawler. She's like a ninja and she pops up everywhere, leaving a trail of soft toys and baby blankets in her wake.
They lose her on a Sunday morning when Rachel leaves an undressed Lily to answer the phone for thirty seconds and turns around to find her gone.
"Finn!" she yells hysterically and he runs out of their room in only his towel to find his wife bent over the couch and yelling his name repeatedly.
"What?"
"Lily's gone!" she exclaims, in a panic when she sees him.
"What do you mean, gone?"
"I mean I can't find her! She's gone!"
His eyes widen at her words and he's hurrying his way over to her when he catches something out of the corner of his eye. He turns and sees the half-opened door on the bottom rack of Rachel's linen cupboard, and strides quickly towards it.
He pulls it open to find Lily on her back, her favorite blanket in one fist, surrounded by towels.
She sees him and beams.
xxx
Lily turns one and the whole family flies down to New York. His mom and her fathers are cooing over her like she's the best thing in the world and Lily basks in all the attention. She's her mother's daughter alright.
He stands next to his wife in the kitchen as she carefully places a big candle (shaped into a pink butterfly carrying the number one) on the cake, and grabs her by the waist to tip her back and kiss her senseless.
"What's that for?" she asks when he pulls away and he grins.
"You look beautiful," he says simply. She nudges his shoulder and blushes prettily and he laughs. Rachel leads the Birthday song as they walk out and Al blinds him with his big, expensive, professional camera. Lily's sitting in her chair and she has ribbons in her hair that her mom had so painstakingly tied earlier, and her dress is stained with spaghetti sauce. They stand on either side of her, Rachel holding Lily's hand to stop her from swiping the cake.
"Blow out your candle baby," she tells Lily and Lily laughs as he blows it out for her. Al blinds Finn with his flash again and everybody's talking over each other when Lily says her first word.
"Wow."
He looks at Rachel and she looks at him and she's ordering everybody in the room to shut up before she kneels down on the floor.
"What did you just say Lily?" Rachel asks.
"Wow," Lily says again, smiling brightly.
His kid is a genius.