He thought it would be easy.
He'd be her friend (he already was), maybe he'd flirt a little, he'd be real sincere (well, as sincere as lying could get).
Easy, right?
It was just a little lie.
It wasn't even really a lie in the first place, because it was kind of true. He did kind of miss her and Glee did kind of suck when she wasn't around. And he definitely, definitely needed her. So it wasn't really lying, it was more like a half-truth, right? Half truths are better than lying, aren't they?
He had to do it. He had to man up for his kid, because yeah, he may be sixteen and all, and the baby was like some sort of freak accident or something, since they never even did it in the first place, but that kid was still his. And well, he never had a dad, not really. So he knew the feeling of not having your old man have your back, and it fucking sucked.
So yeah, if lying (half-truth) was what he needed to do to secure his kid's future and all that, then that was what he was going to do.
Easier said than done.
The thing was, he was just so bad at it though. He told himself over and over outside of that classroom that he was going to do this, that he was going to be smooth and awesome and she won't suspect a thing. But then he'd gone into the room and she was looking all depressed and stuff and he just- he was just bad alright? Somewhere with low lighting? Who says shit like that? He was horrible and awkward and he sounded so fucking stupid that it was a miracle that she believed him.
But she did.
That was the thing about Rachel though, wasn't it? The thing that attracted him in the first place? She believed him. Or more like, she believed in him. Like, he could tell her he was going to go to the moon or whatever, and she'd still look at him like he could do anything he wanted. Nobody ever looked at him like that before. Nobody ever made him feel like that.
So the getting her to say yes part was easy, technically. It was just the living with that awful taste at the back of his throat part that was hard.
But he had to do it, okay? He had no choice. The football team sucks ass. He was going nowhere with that. But Glee, Glee was something else. Glee was special, like she was special. Scratch that. Glee was special, because she was special. Which was exactly why he had to do it. He needed to be a part of something special to make it for his kid. And when she was around, he was part of that special thing.
He told Quinn, when she yelled at him for not being able to do her ice cream run that night, that he had to do chores. Technically, that wasn't lying either. It was a chore. A chore to get Rachel back in Glee so that their baby wasn't going to grow up with a deadbeat dad.
His dad would have done the same thing. He definitely would have, because it was the only way out of this hick town. His old man would have done the same.
Finn still couldn't shake that nagging feeling that it wasn't something he'd be proud of though.
A chore. That was all it was. That was what the nerves were all about. It had nothing to do with the way her tiny skirt was swishing around her thighs as she ran out of her house to his mom's car. That snazzy little drum solo his heart was pumping out? It had nothing to do with the way she said "Hey", all breathlessly as she smiled at him, her face flush.
It was just nerves that made his palms a little sweaty as he gripped the steering wheel, or that made his stomach flip crazy somersaults when she surprised him by singing along to Journey. Just nerves.
And guilt. That too.
Lying wasn't as easy as he thought. So he stopped. Sort of. Somewhere between the moment she got into his car and the moment she stepped out, he stopped thinking of it as a chore. It was a date. A pretend date, but a date. And the moment she scrunched her nose when he told her about the bowling shoes, he stopped pretending altogether. It was a date. Just a date.
She was horrific. Like, no lie, the girl had terrible hand-eye coordination. But she was fun though, and she never gave up. 'Cause duh, she won't be Rachel Berry if she did. And she was hilarious, really, the way she'd get so bent out of shape when she got another gutter ball, or the way she'd stomp her feet when he made another Strike (he was just an awesome bowler. His mom said he got it from his dad, 'cause his old man liked bowling so much, he even had custom made bowling shoes and stuff like that, which he used before his feet got too big).
It was- well it was cute, alright? She was cute. He kind of knew that already, that Rachel was cute and all. Plus she was really cool about the whole bowling thing, even though he knew that the thought of sharing her shoes and balls with other people freaked her out.
The trouble really started when they sat down for dinner. She had frowned and barely touched her pizza, so he pretty much scarfed down half a pie by himself. That was when he remembered about the baby, 'cause honestly he had almost forgotten his real reason with all the fun he was having. She looked really torn about it, and he figured it was because she really did love Glee, even though everybody else thought she didn't. The rest of them thought that all she wanted was the spotlight, and that was definitely true too, but Glee was different.
Glee was special to her, like it was special to him. He didn't know exactly how he knew, he just did. Rachel Berry loved Glee. She would have never done all that she did to save it if she didn't. And he figured he was the best person to see that, 'cause he was right there with her the whole way. So yeah, he figured he might be the only person to know how much Glee mattered to her, which was why when she said no one appreciated her, he totally had to butt in.
"I appreciate you," he told her. He really, really did. She looked at him like she was surprised, but come on, she was like, the most talented person he'd ever met, and she was his friend, and- and she always made him feel good about himself. Of course he appreciated her 'cause other people may not realize it, but Rachel was kind of awesome. She was still crazy, and like, all intense and stuff, but like, in this really, really awesome way. She just- she has this all this, passion and whatever, like she was going to go after what she wanted no matter what. He'd never met anyone like her before, never known anyone who just made him kind of, feel like he could do it too, he could do whatever he wanted too, if he could just figure out what it was.
But then he had to screw that up, so maybe he'd never know. Or maybe what he was meant to do, what he was meant to be really, really good at, was to be a dad. He figured he already loved his kid. Sure the baby was going to pretty much ruin his future, but he never thought he would ever have one in the first place, so at least, he should be a good dad, right?
Which came back to the lying thing. Or, the half-truth. He needed to get her to come back to Glee, and even though it was really for his kid, he thought in a way it was for her too, 'cause in the whole time he'd known her, she'd never looked more miserable now that she was the star of her own play. He figured it was because she wasn't in Glee anymore, 'cause she could deny it all she wanted to, but he knew how much Glee meant to her. He needed to get his shit together, and make sure she comes back. All the talking was just making him feel things he really shouldn't be feeling, so he decided to continue bowling instead. It was her last chance, and he grinned when she kissed the top of the pink ball she had adopted. The girl was ridiculous, but it was cute.
She got a strike. It was her last ball, and she got a freaking Strike. He should have known Rachel Berry was going to ace whatever she set her mind to.
She aced at kissing too.
He knew this 'cause he still thought about that kiss in the auditorium sometimes in the middle of the night when he couldn't sleep. He always tried to think about Quinn first 'cause she was his girlfriend, and also the mother of his baby, but Rachel just always managed to sneak herself back into his thoughts no matter how hard he tried to push her away. And also because in the middle of all that excitement, she had jumped up and planted one on him.
He wondered how it was possible for a person to feel so many things at one. He figured that the way his heart twisted in his chest, his stomach dropped to the bottom of his feet and his brain exploded? Yeah. That was how.
"Come back to Glee," were the first words that popped out of his mouth, and he honestly couldn't tell what was the real reason he said them. 'Cause the way his stomach was twisted all up in knots told him it was 'cause of the baby, but the way his heart was drumming at breakneck speed told him it was because he just really, really wanted to kiss her some more. He guessed that the way his brain was pretty much spattered against the inside of his skull meant that he didn't actually know what the fuck he was doing when he said it.
"I'll do it," she had said immediately, before she buried her face in his neck. He could feel her grinning and his hands had involuntarily tightened themselves around her.
So the way those knots in his stomach twined themselves into one giant ball of guilt, had let him know immediately why.
Fuck.
It turned out that lying? It wasn't so easy. It wasn't easy at all. And half-truths? They were so much worse.
'Cause when the truth finally came out, it was a bitch with a capital B.
He told her the kiss was real. It was true. It was probably the most truthful thing he'll ever tell her. That kiss was real and amazing and it made him want more. More of everything, more of her and them and of things that could have been. But the realest thing about that kiss, the biggest truth, was that it was wrong.
"My dreams are bigger than that. And they're bigger than you."
The slap had stung for days. But the words, they stayed with him for months.
That was the thing about lying.
It only comes at the expense of trust.