The Unofficial Fanfiction University of Smash
Chapter 6: Class four: Action/Adventure
Disclaimer: I don't own any SSBM characters or the right to Iraq's security records… I do, however, own a cool little Foamy pin that I like to wear on my shirt and stuff…
Gold stars:
Here… have some gold stars for reviewing… and you can have even more if you mention my favorite breakfast cereal in your next review…
EMO… more like… umm… NEMO! HAHAHAHA! I'M SOOOO WITTY! No really though… why do so many people get so pissed off about a topic so trivial? If I were you I'd get pissed off at something important… like the lack of proper farming techniques being taught in our schools…
THE BEDROOM PHILOSOPHER! REEL BIG FISH! THE MAD CADDIES!
Jabba Jo Jangles walked into his next class, it was the inside of a big, wooden horse. Everyone in the classroom was wearing Greek armor and preparing for battle.
"What the hell is this?" Jabba asked looking around.
"HELLO CLASS! I WILL BE YOUR TEACHER, GANNONDORF! TODAY WE WILL GO ON A FIELD TRIP TO THE TROJAN WAR IN ORDER TO SEE WHAT A PROPER ACTION/ADVENTURE IS LIKE! WE ALL NEED TO WEAR PROTECTION FOR SUCH AN ATTACK, SO I WANT YOU ALL TO WEAR THESE!" Gannondorf screamed and pulled a bunch of Trojan condoms from his pocket.
"Umm… how are condoms supposed to help us in a war?" Jabba asked.
"Is that what these are called? All I know is that the advertisements say they protect you from harm. SO LETS GO TO BATTLE AND HOPE THIS WORKS!"
With this every one of the soldiers gave a hearty cry. This cry turned into a wail. This wail turned into a sob. This sob turned into a moan. This moan turned into a groan. This groan turned into a growl. This growl turned into a bark. This bark turned into a tree and everyone was confused.
With this the Trojan horse opened and all the kids ran out of it to see that they were still on a boat. Half of the kids fell out of the boat and were eaten by vicious catfish in their attempt to charge, the rest of them watched as famous heroes like Achilles and Odysseus were playing poker.
"Ha! That's a royal flush! I win!" Odysseus shouted.
"RAAR!" Achilles shouted and pulled out his sword.
"I FEEL LIKE I'M IN A GOOD BOOK!" Gannondorf screamed like a fangirl. This was all changed after twenty pages of boring and useless text. So we switched to the movie because that's more fun.
With this the boat landed and everyone charged onto the beach, where a formidable Trojan army was standing. Jabba quietly slid his condom onto two of his fingers and hoped it would work. Then, it started.
Then it ended.
"And THAT'S how you write a good action/adventure!" Gannondorf said with pride in his students fighting skillz and awesome anime powerz.
"What the hell happened?" Jabba asked.
"Simple. Someone shot at you with an arrow, but your condom blocked it out and then you cut his head off with that oddly misshapen piece of metal we gave you. Then Achilles killed everyone else and the day was saved!"
"Is that it? HOW IS THAT A GOOD ACTION/ADVENTURE?" Jabba screamed.
With this Pee Wee Herman jumped onto the scene with a gun and shot Achilles.
"Tell that whore that I've been sleeping with that I like her as a person…" Achilles said and then died dramatically.
"NUUUEEEE!" Gannondorf screamed and then hit the Trojan walls with his sword. The walls crumbled and the Trojans gave up.
Everyone went back to the classroom.
"And so that's how a good action/adventure is supposed to be!" Gannondorf said taking a bow. The class clapped and clapped and clapped some more. The clapped until what had been their hands were just bloody stumps of bone and dead skin. They all died of a yeast infection.
Jabba Jo Jangles had watched this in horror. It had been Gannondorf. Gannondorf had just wanted to kill the bad writers. How could anyone be so heartless? Jabba screamed and charged Gannondorf with a piece of paper, intending to give Gannondorf a paper cut from hell.
"NO! WAIT! THERE'S SOMETHING YOU MUST KNOW!" Gannondorf said as Jabba stopped and waited for Gannondorf to say it.
"I'm your father" Gannondorf said as dramatic music started playing.
"This isn't a drama" Jabba said and cut Gannondorf's head off with the piece of paper.
(Somewhere deep and dark and scary and spooky and zomg I just peed myself from the scarieness of it all… or is that spelled scaryness? What about scariness? Yeah that's it… scariness… yeah…)
"Master Joeb! They've killed Gannondorf!" Kirby screamed running into the room.
"Who? The Trojans? I told them not to go on that field trip…" Joeb said rubbing his knee in thoughtfulness.
"NO! IT WAS THE CLASS SIR!" Kirby said in fear.
"Just bring him back then… it's not that hard…" Joeb said rubbing his pinky toenail in thoughtfulness.
"But sir! They've used the one method that NO SMASHER can ever recover from! PAPER CUTS!" Kirby yelled dramatically.
"NOOOOO!" Joeb said looking up at the ceiling dramatically. Sadly, with how loud he yelled, the ceiling collapsed and killed them both.
(In Joeb's office at the UFUS)
"NOOOOO!" Joeb yelled.
"Jabba is the one who did it!" Kirby yelled.
"I always hated Jabba… he gets so much more reviews than me… and everyone seems to think he's a better author. I'M THE BEST AUTHOR! HOW DARE HE TRY TO TAKE MY TITLE AWAY FROM ME!" Joeb screamed and ripped Ness's arm off to use as a weapon.
"Ow" Ness said in a really fake voice.
Kirby stared at Ness in confusion.
"Oh… I'm just practicing for a school play…" Ness said as everyone nodded in understanding.
(In the classroom that Jabba is still in)
Joeb walked into the classroom. Jabba was sitting there in a dark corner watching his every move.
"I know you're in here. You killed Gannondorf!" Joeb yelled in anger.
"Relax, he can come back." Jabba said.
"You used the most EVIL method known to man! PAPER CUTS! Nobody can come back from such a horrible attack" Joeb said doing a curtsey.
"Oh… sorry bout that" Jabba said.
"HAHA!" Pee Wee Herman said jumping in-between the two
Jabba ripped Pee Wee's head off.
Pee Wee started running around laughing as his head bit Jabba's hand, causing Jabba to drop the decapitated creep.
Pee Wee's body then pulled a lightsaber out and dueled Joeb.
Pee Wee's head started a pie-eating contest with Jabba.
Pee Wee died.
"NOOOOO! MY HERO!" Joeb yelled in sorrow.
(Spongebob insert goes here)
Everyone laughed as the screen faded away.
YAY!
Tell me you hate me… I haven't updated in forever… the truth is I can't update when my friends are around… they drain me. I can't be me in front of anyone. The only time I can write is when I'm alone… and that's RARE these days…
Anyway… Pee Wee's Playhouse is an AWESOME show… He's my hero.
YAY!
I'm actually in a hell of a good mood…
You liked this story… I don't care what you say… you liked it…
YOU LIKE IT!1
Read And Review and whatever you do DON'T get a life… those things are overrated and just mess with your mind…