The Unofficial Fanfiction University of Smash
Chapter 8: Class seven… Horror!
Disclaimer: I don't own anything… I don't own a computer… I don't own shoes… and I don't own innocence… this story is not intended for children under the age of 13. If you are 12 years old then you are not allowed to read this… the FBI will be by your house to make sure you are sticking to these rules… seriously… I don't lie… or tell jokes… at all… ever…
Gold stars:
You can have 99 gold stars if you review and are really really nice to make and me me smile and stuff… (if you are confused… it's because my word program says it's more grammatically correct than what I had originally put)
You lose 100 gold stars if you mention my name in the review…
ICP makes me smile in places I didn't know I even had…
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"AHH! SCARY!" Jabba yelled as he walked past Wario.
"Why are they always so mean?" Wario cried as he started bashing his fist against the sidewalk in sorrow. His hand slowly eroded away to the bone. Then the remains of his hand snapped off as he screamed in horror.
"This scene has shown sorrow in a way only Brad Pitt would be able to duplicate…" DK said with one of those cool pointer things that teachers use when pointing at maps.
"That sure is a cool pointer thing that teachers use when pointing at maps!" one student said happily. DK impaled this student for his impudence, presumption, impoliteness, and other long cool words that could have just been avoided with the use of the word rudeness.
"This is an example of satire!" DK said pointing to a scene on a TV screen where a poor little boy was getting his organs ripped out and eaten by some vicious gothic looking people with fangs. Blood was everywhere.
"Oh wait… no… that was an example of disgusting horror… the kind of horror where they try to make you puke… and then you get horrified because your parents are going to be home soon and they'll kill you if they see the mess you made. They'll likely kill you just like they killed you in the movie and you'll never trust your parents again. This kind of horror relies on the reader having a weak stomach and a tendency to second-guess people." DK said with his tendons as everyone clapped at his talent.
"Next up for our talent show is Ness! He has the ability to pop his head like a zit!" Kirby said with a microphone. He accidentally swallowed the microphone and had a shocking experience… Ha ha ha!… Get it? Shocking? Whatever he died…
Everyone clapped as Ness walked on stage. He looked around silently to all the people and then pulled out a comically large hammer. He waived it over his head and then brought it down. A sickening crack was heard as his body crunched up and he was left on the floor, bleeding out of places we didn't know/want to know existed. His head hadn't popped though.
"BOO!" the crowed yelled at him angrily.
Then the talent show was over and Jabba decided to go to his class on how horror was supposed to be made.
"Hello class! I'm DK! I was in the talent show! In it I explained disgusting horror with my tendons! Aren't I cool!" DK said waiving to the class.
"Yay!" everyone yelled happily.
"Next I will talk to you about suspenseful horror! In suspenseful horror, the focus is not on how they die. The focus is on a few people dieing, and then a hero trying to find the killer, or escape from the killer's lair. Usually ending with the killer dying in a scary chase or something like that or whatever… I don't really know what I'm talking about! I hate life!" DK cried and fell to the ground, crying.
"Well… umm…" Jabba said.
"DON'T MUMBLE YOUNG MAN!" DK screamed beating Jabba with that cool pointer thing that teachers use to point at maps.
"Why don't you just point at maps with your finger?" one girl asked.
"That's a great idea!" DK said and started beating Jabba with his finger.
"Please stop that" Jabba said in a bored way that sounded like a Junior High Play.
"I'm offended!" DK yelled. "I was in a Junior High Play!"
"Then you'd know they act like Nazis when all you do is hit a kid with a metal chain thing" Jabba said.
"Ye… wait… WHAT?" DK asked.
"All I did was hit the kid in the face with a metal chain…ish… thing and they were all mean to me and stuff" Jabba said with a sorry face.
"I'm sorry to hear your pain…" DK said patting Jabba on the back so hard his lungs popped. Everything went dark.
"Jabba woke up with a really bright light over his head." Peach said giggling.
Just then Jabba woke up.
"Where am I? Is this Hell?" Jabba asked.
"No. You're not dead." Peach said giggling.
"Dang it… I always wanted to meat Satan…" Jabba said.
"Don't you mean meet Satan?" Peach asked giggling.
"No… I think he would have made a great steak…"
"Don't you mean Steek?" Peach asked giggling.
"Lolz you're funny!" Jabba said falling in love with Peach. He then fell out of love with her and left.
"Don't you mean leet?" Peach asked giggling.
Jabba walked back to the horror class as DK was getting into it.
"And now to show you the most horrifying of horror genres there are… the stereotypical rap song!" DK said pressing a button on his CD player.
Barney came on.
"I love you! You love me! We're a happy family!"
"AHH!" DK screamed turning the radio off. "That was the wrong CD… umm… yeah…"
"See… I hate Rap… seriously… I hate hard rock too… and seriously… I hate Barney… I hate those kids shows… they're too immature… I hate immaturity… you see… I hate almost everything about this country… I prefer anime songs… Who cares if I don't know the language and so any point they're trying to make is lost on me? I don't! Who cares if when it's translated it doesn't rhyme and that kind of makes the song not sound as great? I don't! I just hate that music that has a beat… it sucks!" one student said.
"Yeah… and you see… I hate when people have something to prove. If someone did something good it's just so other people will see. I totally know that whenever anyone does anything right they're just trying to look cool. They're all attention whores. I seriously hate those successful people." Another student said.
"What did that last rantish thing even have to do with anything?" DK asked.
"Well… er… umm… see… I… love… you…" the student said.
"I LUV YOU TOO!" DK said as the two ran towards each other at full speed. They slapped into each other at full speed as DK plowed through the student, killing him.
"Oh phooey!" DK said sitting down with a pout on his face.
"Phooey? You're stupid! You're all stupid! Smart people say things like 'mother f this sh here I fing hate it'" a student said grinning.
"None of this has been satire, it's been an example of what fart jokes can do to people in a serious manner" Jabba said to the screen. He was talking to the TV screen. This proved his insanity and the men in white coats came and shot tranquilizers at some random girl. The tranquilizers were filled with soup from the local soup kitchen and all the local bums were angered.
"See… I can't stand Rap… I mean… It's like… stupid… like…" one student started.
"Are you still talking?" the girl who had been injected with soup asked. She then transformed into Soup Kitchen Monster. Random local bums infested her making her smell bad. Then she died when the Pine-sol advertising girl sprayed her to death with some chemicals.
"Oops… this isn't Pine-sol! It's rat poison!" the advertising girl screamed and then fell over, alive. Nope… now she's dead… but when she fell over she was alive and well…
"See… that's why I hate Rap…" one student said.
"Can you hurry up and tell us your name so we don't have to call you by the name 'one student'?" Jabba asked looking to the screen. He was still talking to that TV screen.
"This isn't even horrifying…" One student stated.
"Yes it was!" DK screamed. "There were local bums in these chapter! Those things are scary!"
"That's stupid! You're all stu…" one student started when his name painted on a big 20 ton anvil fell on top of him with a sickening crack.
"See… that shows how stupid Rap is" one student said.
Just then the TV screen stood up. "I think Rap is very educational… in a way…" it said.
"Yeah… I listen to rap!" Jabba said with anger.
"So do I!" Bobby Brown yelled running into the room.
"Shut up! You're an inside joke that nobody will laugh at!" DK yelled and tried to beat Bobby Brown down with a frown.
"Lolz rymez!" Jabba said.
Just then the TV screen went crazy and killed everyone in the room. They didn't die though.
"That isn't logical!" one student said.
"Lolz logic!" Jabba yelled.
Just then they all died. Except Jabba, he escaped with minor bruising.
"That was scary!" Jabba said walking along. He then turned over and looked to see Wario's face.
"AHH!" Jabba screamed.
"Why do they always do that?" Wario screamed and tried to bash his fist into the sidewalk, but he didn't have a hand anymore and so he cried even harder than usual.
"EMO!" one man yelled pointing at Wario.
"AHH! TEH SHCARIEZ! EMO HATERZ ARE TEH SHCARIEZ!" Jabba yelled pulling a shotgun and killing himself a penguin for dinner. "Yumz"
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I think I did a very good job of explaining horror in this chapter…
It was a very efficient chapter…
Yesh…
I have friends in real life… they're getting more serious by the minute… except for one… or two… or whatever…
Anyway… I've said it before and I'll say it again… I tried being mature once and got arrested for public lewdness…
And I have hit someone in the face with a metal chain like thing… I'm lucky they didn't do more than kick me out of the play… I was on probation when I did it…
ICP! I respect serious things if they do a good job of it… ICP is serious and funny depending on the mood and yeah… I'm getting paid to do this… (not really…)
E&E… Ead-ray and Eview-ray… kay-oay? (Spam makes for wonderful food… until you start eating it)