The Unofficial Fanfiction University of Smash
Chapter 14: Class Twelve... The Rating System!
Disclaimer: I didn't shoot you, and you can't prove that I was the one to pay the guy who shot you.
Gold stars:
If I give you one or two, then I expect you to tie your shoe. If I give you three or four, I expect you to go to the store. If I give you five or six, I expect you to quit playing tricks. If I give you seven or eight, I expect you to call me great. If I give you nine or ten, then I expect you to eat a hen.
No comment is a comment so instead of saying no comment it's best to just say: "How do you expect ME to know about the economic situation of Bavaria between the years 1536 and 1600!?"
"Good morning America!" Kirby said, walking into the classroom.
"This is an international site, with many fine users from Australia, Canada, and the UK!" Bowser, the tolerant one, shouted. "And that's not even going into the many other countries with users contributing to the site, even if their countries are weak, pathetic, and unimportant!"
Kirby had learned his lesson. This wasn't good enough for Bowser. Bowser chomped a chunk of Kirby and swallowed.
"My most of me!" Kirby miserably died, as blood gushed onto the floor.
Bowser then turned to the class, with a questioning look. "What would you rate that!?"
"I give it a 9/10!" Jabba shouted confidently.
"No you idiot! I mean would you give it a K, K+, T, or M rating on Fanfiction's website," Bowser sighed.
"It's clearly K, because Kirby is nothing more than a wad of bubble gum, and chewing bubble gum is very kid friendly!" a normal looking man said. He seemed normal, but he had a past that haunted him... what a loser.
"Bubble gum doesn't bleed you fool!" Bowser said. "And you're wrong!"
Bowser threw his shell like a boomerang, it crushed the normal looking fool.
"It is a T rating, because as long as there's not tons and tons of sex going on every second, and blood and guts pouring out of everyone non-stop, you can pretty much get away with a T rating on anything!" Bowser winked.
"Isn't that what lead to several of Joeb's stories being deleted?" Jabba asked.
Joeb cried and killed himself.
"Shut up!" Bowser yelled. "Now, let's continue with the class!"
"The next scene I'm going to show you will be from a Romance/Horror! You have to tell me if it's rated K, K+, T, or M!" Bowser said.
The scene started:
...
Peach *censored* Link. Link got *censored* all over Peach's *censored*. They laughed.
Link was *censored*, he walked to the closet to pull out a *censored*. Suddenly, a scythe flew from the closet and *censored* Link's *censored*.
"AHHHHH!!!" Link screamed as he *censored* his *censored*.
Peach screamed, putting some *censored* on her *censored* and pulling out a *censored*. She viciously beat on the *censored* that was still in the closet.
The *censored* had tentacles, and started *censored* Peach as Link fell to the ground and died of *censored*.
Samus and Pichu were walking down the hall when they heard all the commotion going on in Peach's bedroom. They giggled to themselves. Then Samus started *censored* Pichu.
The next day, Mario walked into Peach's room to see the *censored* Peach hanging by her *censored* on the cieling fan, with a *censored* Link lying in a pile of his own *censored* on the floor, with his *censored* cut off.
Mario noticed his opportunity and started to *censored*.
...
The entire class watched on, wide eyed. Nobody spoke a word. A few people nearly vomited.
The scene went on for another twelve hours.
Jabba didn't know if he was going to be excommunicated from his religion or not for having witnessed this.
"What would you rate that!?" Bowser asked with glee. "You know I wrote it myself!"
There was an awkward silence.
"Well?" Bowser asked.
The class pushed some buttons that had appeared on the desks. After a vote, the winning rating was revealed.
It was a K+.
"K+!?" Bowser screamed. "How did you get a K+ out of that! That was so obviously rated K! You guys are so easily offended! I'm shocked! I'm appalled! You're the worst class I've ever had to deal with!"
The class agreed with Bowser.
"Now, let's show you guys another scene, and see if you aren't so stupid when you rate it!" Bowser yelled.
The scene started:
...
Kirby was walking through a pretty field of flowers. He was so happy, and the world was so bright and bubbly. Nothing could possibly go wrong!
"Hi Kirby! What'cha doin'?" Peach asked.
Kirby pointed towards an apple, wide-eyed.
"Aww! How cute!" Peach said, and then took the apple and walked away.
Kirby was heartbroken. He really wanted that apple.
Suddenly Pichu ran into the room.
"Hey Kirby! You wanna go play!" Pichu giggled.
Kirby smiled, and ran off to go play with Pichu.
...
"What would you rate that?" Bowser asked.
After some deliberation, the votes were tallied.
It was M.
"Good job! You clearly got the references that Kirby and Pichu were about to go do naughty things. And whenever Smashers get their hands on apples, it always gets M rated!" Bowser said.
"Does this rating system make any sense?" Jabba asked.
"Silly author, what you fail to understand, is the ratings on most stories never make any sense, and there's no use trying to make your ratings make sense when the system as a whole is broken!" Bowser said.
"I thought you were supposed to be teaching us how to be better authors, not to give up just because some authors are stupid?" Jabba asked.
"Yeah, I was, but I've lost enthusiasm," Bowser said. "The point is, don't rate your story M unless you really really have to, because M ratings lead to less traffic. T ratings generally get the most traffic."
"I thought most of Fanfiction's traffic was people looking for odd and disgusting M rated stories?" Jabba asked.
"No!" Bowser cried in denial. "That's a lie! Lemons are NOT the only reason fanfiction is popular!"
The lemons got their own TV show, called Lemons for Lunch!
Jabba ate a lemon, and odd things started happening in his stomach. Suddenly Jabba's stomach exploded, getting acid all over the rest of the class. They slowly melted while screaming in horrific pain.
"I would rate that T!" Bowser said with a wink. He then melted because some of the acid got on him.
With no reason to be in the room anymore, Jabba left. He had a few minutes before he had to be at his next class, and decided he'd take a break. He plopped a piece of bubble gum into his mouth, it started bleeding all over the place. He looked down at the bubble gum wrapper to see it's title. "Kirby Pop Bubble Gum!" Jabba shuddered, but kept chewing the gum.
And now you know exactly why I hate M rated stories... or don't... I'm not sure...
What I am sure about is this... I want to go see a movie...
So that's what I'm off to go do...
Please review... oh dear God please! My entire self-worth depends on you reviewing this!