The Unofficial Fanfiction University of Smash

Chapter 15: Class Thirteen... The Subspace Emissary

Disclaimer: The whole point of "live and let live" is that you assume he isn't going to survive that much longer in the situation you left him in. So quit letting people live comfortable lives you silly people!

Gold stars:

No

My mother told me a wise thing once. Then she went crazy, and I forgot what it is she said.

Jabba walked into his next class with his eye on the prize.

"Get your eye off my prize pervert!" Zelda screamed, slapping Jabba with her hands, as opposed to slapping him with her feet.

"I would have preferred the feet..." Jabba sighed.

"I don't care what you prefer!!!" Zelda screamed, suddenly wearing full punk rock attire.

Everyone started moshing wildly. Limbs were entangled and separated. People were punched and kicked in the face until they no longer had faces. The entire classroom was slowly being deformed.

"This is stupid mindless and silly!" Jabba tried to convince everyone, but they had already started moshing, and didn't know how to stop.

Slowly people died, until there were only about five people left in the class.

"That's what makes our university so great! We have small class sizes!" Zelda winked.

"Because you keep killing them all!" Jabba cried. He was scarred for life.

"Oh be quiet you! You're such a negative Nancy!" Zelda screamed in a very punk rock style.

Joeb sneaked in and slapped Zelda back into teaching mode, then flew away.

"OK then, let's start with class today!" Zelda said. "Today we will teach about the Subspace Emissary!"

"YAY IT'S THE GREATEST THING EVER INVENTED BY MAN EVER EVER!!!" the class screamed in joy.

Jabba tried to scream in joy, but instead joyed in scream. His lymph nodes never forgave him.

The insanity stopped.

"Whether or not you think the Subspace Emissary is amazing is beside the point!" Zelda said. "If you think trying to add drama and opera to a game originally about dolls fighting each other while making levels long and tedious and adding insanely long cut-scenes that do absolutely nothing to build the plot, then fine. We're not here to judge that."

Jabba felt offended.

"The point is this," Zelda started.

"We just started class you stupid whore, you're not supposed to tell them what the point is yet!" Link yelled, walking into the classroom.

"Oh, so what should we do with all this time then?" Zelda asked.

"MOSH!!!" Link yelled. He tried to start a mosh pit, but it's hard to do with like... 6 people.

Link cheated and used his sword, killing everyone but him, Jabba, and Zelda.

"Oh, well... I need to go now!" Link said and walked away.

"Errr..." Jabba felt the awkward silence slithering up his leg.

"Yeah..." Zelda said.

"I guess that's why you're not supposed to be doing punk rock during class," Jabba said, trying to break the ice.

"That wasn't punk rock you loser! That was poser emo crap! Real punk rock is way cooler!" Zelda screamed suddenly wearing full punk rock attire.

"Erm, you're the one who did it though..." Jabba said.

The ice had been sufficiently broken, and Zelda fell through to her death.

"God damn it!" Jabba yelled, and then headed for the door.

Meanwhile, in a deep dark cavern.

"Joeb! There's an emergency in the Subspace Emissary classroom! Nobody is learning anything!" Kirby screamed.

"Isn't that how this whole University works?" Joeb asked. "We just bring all the other authors in to be slaughtered so that I'm the last one standing?"

"Yeah, but... well..." Kirby stumbled. "Jabba is like, the protagonist or something! He's supposed to learn something in the end!"

"OK fine, I'll go teach it myself!" Joeb yelled, and skated out of the deep dark cavern.

Kirby was eaten by a praying mantis.

"I hear you haven't learned anything in this class!" Joeb yelled, skating in like a true skater would.

"What am I supposed to learn then?" Jabba asked.

"I'm biased, I didn't like the Subspace Emissary for various reasons, but that's not the point I'm trying to make!" Joeb yelled.

"Right... you're not at all trying to drive home the point that it was boring and tedious... sure" Jabba said.

"But fanfiction seems to be covered in stories that are simply rehashes of the story line of SSBB!" Joeb cried. "You can't just repeat what was already done in the story mode and call it fanfiction! You can't just add some dialogue and follow the exact same events as what happened in the Subspace Emissary! If I already played Brawl, why would I be interested in reading what I already played!?"

"So what you're trying to say, is that people shouldn't write stories about the Subspace Emissary?" Jabba asked. "I just think you're jealous!"

"You're actually right. I don't get hardly any views for my stories anymore! I get maybe one or two reviews per chapter! You're damn right I'm jealous! How dare people --who do nothing more than repeat the story that's already in the game-- get more reviews than ME!" Joeb broke down crying.

Link walked into the room and smashed Joeb's skateboard over his head.

"You're not a real skater! You're a god damn poser! You only wish you could be cool enough to be a skater!" Link yelled, and then walked out again.

Jabba was confused as hell.

"GO AWAY! I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF!!!" Joeb cried, pulling out a razor blade and five gallons of sleeping pills.

Jabba walked away.

So there Joeb was, contemplating suicide. It was the only way out.

Of course, contemplating suicide is gay. So Joeb stopped contemplating and just killed himself.

"Hooray!" All the Smashers yelled. "His power is no longer over us!"

And so the Smashers tore down the university, and rebuilt their beloved village. And everyone lived happily ever after. Except for Jabba, who couldn't figure out how to get back into the real world, and couldn't find anybody interested enough to help him. He eventually died of rabies in a discreet alleyway.

Pichu also died of rabies, but we knew that was going to happen anyway.

I didn't mean to end the story right here... it just... kind of happened...

I have other things to do, this story needed to end anyways.

So... live long and prosper... listen to your mother... read and review... and whatever other Star Trek message you can think of (yes, Star Trek was telling you to review my stories the whole time)