So, I woke up at 2:30 am this morning, terrified out of my mind about being trapped in a place I couldn't leave. I've had dreams like this before, but never so vivid. No one was awake to talk to about it, so I decided to write down what I was feeling. And because I love Klaine, and all that they stand for, especially after this last episode, I decided to make Kurt have the same night terrors I just had. Sorry, Kurt.
My thoughts are jumbled, mixed up in my head. I awaken with tears staining my cheeks as I try to remember where I am, who I am, what I am.
All I remember is fear. Fear and pain. Anger. Suffocation. I feel like the world around is trapping me, closing in, ready to kill me if it got half a chance.
I sit up in bed, mindful of the sleeping form next to me. My thrashing hasn't woken him up, for which I am imminently thankful. I walk to the bathroom, terror making my footsteps sound infinitely louder than they really are. I hang my head as I sit on the toilet, weary that my dreams can reduce me to such a state.
After ten minutes, I can no longer sit here, thinking the most frightening of thoughts. Being trapped, living in this place forever and never getting out. Being told I am not good enough. Being forced to accept that who I am isn't something the world needs, wants or acknowledges. I can feel the stinging behind my eyes as I fight the tears once more.
I finish in the bathroom, my terror lessened only by the weariness of my heart as I walk to the kitchen. I grab a glass and fill it with milk, popping it in the microwave for a short time. Warm milk always did make me feel better.
Once warmed, I take my milk into the living room, sitting quietly on the couch in the dark. I could have turned lights on, but it's so much simpler just leaving them off. My heart aches in the dark, terror gripping once more as I think of all the things that could be stopping me from leaving this place.
My family. My friends. My fear.
And it's not just normal fear I face. I am quite sure being afraid of getting out in the world is something everyone has to go through when they leave. But I face a fear of failure, too. I've been assured my talents are numerous, and widespread. But at the same time, I always doubt that I am quite as good as they tell me. I doubt myself constantly, and that doubt eats away at my confidence.
I can feel the tears again, slipping down my face as I stare into the dark. My world seems to be flat. One-dimensional. It feels like a reflection of my life right now. No one really knows me. No one really can. And no one ever will.
My heart thuds loudly in my chest as I realise the sound of soft padding in the hallway. My heart stops as a figure rises out of the dark, and I squeak softly in fright.
"Hey, it's just me," And then he's beside me, his hands caressing my skin, his lips brushing my forehead and cheeks and his arms pulling me into a careful hug. My tears stain his night-shirt, and I sob. I sob for all that I could have been, all that I am, and all that I never was.
He holds me tightly, letting me ride out the waves of terror and it's all I can do to let him. Because soon, he won't be here. Soon, I won't be able to have him hold me like this. Soon we'll be separated by time and space.
I begin to mumble, speaking aloud my fears for the first time ever. He's had his fears, and been able to voice them before, but now it's my turn, and I can't seem to even organise my thoughts into a single constant frame. Instead, my thoughts are random, never following a specific pattern. I leap from subject to subject, my chaotic thoughts taking shape then dissolving as quickly as they came.
The whole time I speak he simply holds me. Lets me chatter on. Wipes the tears from my face as I sob. I tell him about my fear of failure. He reminds me who I am, and tells me the person I am would never be able to fail. I remind him of the many times I've failed before, but he shakes his head knowingly. I get angry at him; how can he possibly know what's going to happen in my future? I might be the biggest failure in the history of forever, for all he knows!
Then he grabs my shoulders, and pulls me to him, and kisses me breathless. My mind spins, my heart races, and instead of being lost, I begin to feel something else: calm. He is able to calm me with a single kiss, and I blink softly as he pulls back.
"Better?" he asks, his eyes never leaving mine, and I find myself once more drawn into the pools of deep amber that glow even in the dark of the night. His eyes never fail to capture me. I take a deep breath and nod gently, my mind feeling calmer than it has all night.
"Thank you," I whisper, a single tear once more rolling down my cheek as I realise that he now knows every single fear and doubt I have ever had about myself. I lean my head against his, and he wraps his arms around me again. We sit in silence for a time. I have no idea how long, but I can see the soft stirrings of rosy light that heralds the rising of the sun when I finally look up.
Suddenly, in the light of morning, I realise that he has stayed up all night with me. He has comforted me, let me rant and rave and hasn't once reprimanded me for it, even though I know today is going to be hell for him as he tries to make it through without sleep. It's bad enough that I have to make it through today without sleep, he shouldn't have to as well.
"You should go back to sleep," I say, rising from the couch and dumping my untouched glass of milk down the kitchen sink. He's risen behind me, and wraps his arms around my waist from behind. I lean back into his warmth, relishing his strength and love.
"I will if you will," he quips, and for just a moment, I think he's underlying the words with sexual innuendo. I turn in his arms, looking for a kiss, but his eyes belie the fact that no sexual overtone was there. He is simply offering to stay awake with me if I don't come back to bed too. I breathe him in, wrapping my arms loosely around his neck, and hold him close.
"I'm not sure that I can, but I'll try. For you," I whisper, brushing my lips gently across his in a chaste kiss. He squeezes me close, and leads the way back to the bedroom. I lie on my side of the bed, while he climbs in on his side.
It always struck me as funny that since we started sleeping together, we never fought over which side of the bed to sleep on. For as long as I can remember, I've always slept on the left side, and he's always slept on the right. He told me that his mother once told him that he should always wake up on the right side of the bed in the morning, so he always did. I laughed out loud when I heard that. I also asked if that was why he was eternally cheery. He never did tell me, just gave me a small smile and shrugged.
As I lie there, he slides over, not crowding me, but wanting to snuggle. Instead of turning my back and sleeping on my right side, facing away from him like I usually do, I slide to the right, and lay on my left side. His arm slips around me, gently massaging my back as I rest my head on his chest. My fingers slip a couple of buttons undone on his shirt. I allow my digits to slide through the chest hair I find there. It's wiry, but soft; I love the feel of it as I scratch my nails gently across his pectoral muscle.
I'm so caught up in my ministrations that it takes me a while to realise he's watching me. I blush in the dark, and my hand stills.
"Don't," His voice is gravelly, deep, but still without the sexual undertone. I wonder if I'm doing something wrong. Usually he'd be all over me by now.
"Don't what?" I purr back, tilting my head up to look into his darkened eyes. Maybe I am having an effect on him after all.
"Don't turn this just into something sexual, okay?" I frown, unsure of what he means by that. He captures my hand, and gently brings the fingertips to his lips, pressing soft kisses to each digit.
"You've just told me all of the deepest, darkest fears of your heart, okay? I want to help you overcome that, but not like that. I want to lie with you here, and remind you that I love you, and not just for the sex. I am yours, body, mind and spirit. I love you, with all my heart, and nothing you say, nothing you tell me, is ever going to make me stop loving you."
My heart stops as he tells me this. I feel like I'm about to pass out. The depth of his love threatens to overwhelm and consume me, and the tears start once more. It's all I can do to choke out the words "I love you,".
"I love you too, baby. Now, go back to sleep. Neither one of us are doing anything overly strenuous today." I love when he takes control. The thoughts of just blowing off everything I had planned for the day almost makes me want to jump up in protest. But instead, I return my head to his chest, listening to the steady beating of his heart. His breathing gets deeper as he falls back to sleep, and I allow my breathing to match his.
I may not be perfect. I may fail when I leave here. But if I have him to keep me going, I'll be okay. Because I am his, and he is mine. And together, we can do anything.
It is now quarter after 4 in the morning. I'm going to try to go back to sleep now, wishing I had a Blaine to cuddle with. Maybe someday. Love you all.