So many questions. I felt horrible for Song-E but at the same time, I needed to know as bad as the other girls. This was a serious matter.

"Was it really like a 'decision' or did he confess to you?" Miyeon bounced when she asked.

Song-E thought, "Well he confessed—"

We all cooed.

"—and then we decided."

"Did he kiss you? Please say he—"

"I don't kiss and tell," Song-E said shyly, "But if you really want to know the answer to that… Let's just say there's a LOT I can't tell you."

We all squealed again.

"But didn't you think Gikwang didn't really like you?" Jaesoon asked.

Song-E shrugged, "He was good at making his point."

"What did he say?" I asked.

Song-E smiled to herself, "Well… I can't remember all the words he used. He was just really good at how he used them, and I knew he meant it. He may get a lot of heat for being "dumbkwang" but he's actually really intelligent."

"Yes, sweetie, you've only told us that 100 times," Jaesoon laughed.

"I shall call you," Miyeon paused, "Songkwang!"

Song-E laughed, "Why does it sound like you just named a puppy?"

"Songkwang is cuter than any puppy on this beautiful green planet," Miyeon hugged Song-E and squealed again, "I'm so happy for you unni!"

Song-E just kept laughing. Jaesoon took this opportunity to stare at me and say, "Now, if only Jinah and Dongwoon would admit to themselves—"

"Don't go there," I warned, "We're totally different."

"Is Gikwang as happy as you are?" Jaesoon said, changing the subject.

"He's extremely excited. But let's be serious a minute," Song-E cleared her throat, "This has to be a secret. As far as everyone knows, even the managers of Beast AND Jiyoon-ssi, Gikwang and I are still only friends. So don't let anyone find out."

We all vowed our complete silence on the matter, and Song-E continued to smile and gush.

When we finally got home, we all went straight to work on the song. We started with coming up with a basic chord progression by listening to the track we took home and converting it to a more acoustic sound. Next, we found where this sadness, this longing in the music of the song was coming from. I used that to form a pretty riff. After that, we easily finished the first verse's lyrics.

"This is turning out better than I expected," Song-E smiled, "Play it all together."

"Can I improvise some different melodies in place of this boring chord pattern?" I asked.

"You're the guitar wiz kid," Song-E laughed, "Follow your gut."

I began to play we all sang our parts. I played a few different variations of what sound I was looking for, hoping they would pick which one they liked best. I didn't know which sound would sound best.

When we got to the end of the chorus, we stopped. That was as far as we'd gotten.

"I like the second thing you did, when Jaesoon sang," Miyeon said, "That was pretty."

"I think Miyeon needs a rap here after the first chorus, before the second verse, and then we'll have a bridge after the second chorus and she can rap there, and then for a third chorus we can change the lyrics slightly," I suggested.

Song-E nodded, "Then we need to go for a key change. We'll work on that tomorrow. Miyeon, you focus on writing your raps."

Miyeon nodded, "So this theme we're going for is…"

I answered her with how I felt the first time I ever heard the track, "Loving someone you can't have."

Jaesoon stared at me, but didn't say a word. I ignored her eyes, because I knew what they were saying to me. That's not what I wanted to hear right now. Not when I was about to go see Dongwoon.

"Keep thinking of good ideas for the music, okay Jinah?" Jaesoon said with a smile.

"You wanna go now?" Song-E said, "It's not 7 but I think we've covered a lot of ground tonight."

I nodded, "I'll call big maknae." I blushed. I didn't mean to call him that in front of the others.

Jaesoon laughed, "I THOUGHT that's what I heard you call him earlier!"

"Big maknae? And he calls you little maknae?" Miyeon chuckled, "That's adorable."

Song-E smiled, "Go call big maknae, little maknae."

I kept blushing and got up to go call him. He answered on the second ring.

"Hey," he said, less enthusiastic than usual.

"You at home?" I asked, normal tone.

"Yes, are you on your way?"

"I'll be there soon," I said, "Do you want to hear any of the song we wrote?"

"Just bring your guitar." Click. What the heck? What kind of mood was he in? Was going over there going to make it better or worse? Either way, I know he wanted me over, and now. I just shook my head.

"Hey Jinhwa, can you come here a minute first?" Song-E said from our room.

"Yeah, unni?" I asked.

"Shut the door," she said quietly, "Listen… The stuff I said about Gikwang to you…"

"You didn't mean it?"

She half-smiled, "I didn't. Once I admitted to myself what I really wanted, things went so much easier between us. And now I'm happy. And even if we can't make it work forever, I know we'll still be awesome friends because that love will always be there."

I smiled, "I'm happy for you, unni."

"You're missing my point," she said, no longer smiling, "I'm trying to help you."

"Help me with what?" I asked.

"You know, Jinhwa. We all know. You just can't admit it." Song-E sank onto my bed, "If you're just honest with yourself, you can make this easier on everyone."

"I'm not making it difficult on anyone," I said defensively.

"Think about that seriously, and then stand by it," Song-E said, "You can go."

On the walk to Dongwoon's, my guitar on my back, I thought about the things I really wanted. I wanted to debut. I wanted to sing. No, Jinhwa, think about what you really want with Dongwoon. But I couldn't. I wanted everything to stay the way it was… But could I honestly say that I didn't sometimes wish he'd just kiss me? I told myself those were just unnecessary feelings. Dongwoon was hot, there was no doubt about it, and that's where those feelings came from.

Damn. I was making excuses for the way I felt instead of being honest like Song-E said. I didn't have time to sort out my feelings right now. I was at his door.

I didn't even knock, and he opened the door and let me inside.

"Hey big maknae!" I said cheerfully. He gave a half smile and shut the door. "You sounded sad on the phone. Are you okay?" I pouted.

"I am now," he finally smiled for real, "I just thought you were going to be mad at me for getting jealous."

I took his hand and pulled him into a hug, "You wanna do lunch tomorrow?"

He sighed, "That's not the issue."

"I know."

"The issue isn't even that you're hanging out with someone new," he said quietly.

"I know."

Dongwoon pulled away from me, "I guess I don't need to say sorry, because you already know that, too, right?"

"Don't be bitter," I said, "It's not going to make either of us feel better."

"I suppose you know how I feel all the time, too," he walked away into the kitchen.

I took my guitar off my back and took it out of the bag. I sat on the couch and took a deep breath, then started playing our new song. I let everything just flow out. I even sang a second verse that I simply made up on the spot. I saw the reflection in the TV of Dongwoon standing in the doorway as soon as I started singing. I stopped after the second verse.

"Sing the chorus again," Dongwoon said. So I continued to play and I sang the second chorus. Then I stopped and rested my forehead on the body of the guitar. I felt Dongwoon's weight plop down next to me on the couch and his arm behind me. "It's beautiful."

Without looking up, I said, "Jaesoon and Miyeon sing the first verse, Song-E and I sing the chorus. I wrote the guitar stuff."

"It's truly beautiful," he moved some hair from my face, "are you going to accept an apology if I give you one?"

"If you mean it."

"Will you look at me?"

I turned my face to look at him. He was closer than I thought. "Yes, oppa?"

"I'm sorry," he almost whispered it. There was that feeling again. That one where I just wanted him to kiss me. "I'm sorry," he repeated, "for hurting you. Twice in one day."

"It's okay," I said, not moving. I wanted him to read my mind.

"Jinhwa…" Dongwoon's face was an inch or two away. I could feel his warm breath on my lips. His phone started ringing. He didn't move, but he took a deep breath.

"You gonna get that?" I asked, begging inside my head for him to say no. But he sighed and reached into his pocket, moving a good foot away from me. I closed my eyes and sighed and he answered.

"Is it important?" he paused, "It should be under the sink, if it's not I don't know where it is. Just ask Doojoon, I'm sure he used it last. Yeah. Bye." Dongwoon threw his phone onto the table in front of us.

"It was Yoseob, asking where I put his hairdryer," he said, clear annoyance in his voice. Thanks, Yoseob, for interrupting a breakthrough for me.

I cleared my throat, "You eat yet?"

"Not yet," he coughed and stood up, heading back for the kitchen, "I was just going to heat up another one of your dishes."

"I can make something fresh if you want," I offered.

"I don't want any of your food to go bad," he said, pulling out a random container and dishing some up for both of us. He put one bowl in the microwave first, then handed it to me. It was the bowl with more in it, so I made him take it.

"I'm seriously not that hungry," I assured him. He smiled.

"You're never this hungry," he laughed, "Silly me I guess."

Silly me. Silly me for not kissing him when I could. If I choose, I didn't have to play this "tread soft" game anymore. I could grab Dongwoon by the shirt collar and kiss him. In fact, I knew that's what I wanted. But I was risking a lot more than I wanted. I would be throwing a piece of me out there that could be broken, and that idea scared me a lot. I was someone who had just become whole—and I owed a lot of that to Dongwoon. If I lost him, not only would it completely break that one huge piece of me, it would crack every other piece of me. He was the super glue that kept me together. The thought of losing him really got to me.

"Jinhwa, are you okay?" he put his hand on my shoulder. I was staring at the kitchen counter, and I know my eyes must have been glazed over or something.

"I'm not going to lose you, am I?"

Dongwoon looked like he had been slapped, "What? How would you lose me?" I shook my head but he touched my face, "Talk to me. What are you thinking?"

How badly I want to kiss you. "I just don't want to screw things up."

Dongwoon was frowning, "You're not going to."

"Everything is perfect the way it is, right?" I asked.

Dongwoon's voice sounded overly confident, "Course it is. Everything between me and you is… absolutely perfect just like this."

"You're lying," I said, tears starting to fill my eyes, "Look me in the eye and tell me you don't want more." Dongwoon looked me in the eye, but didn't speak. I stared back until the microwave beeped. I sank into one of his counter stools and put my face in my hands. Dongwoon grabbed my shoulder and spun me to face him. He looked frustrated. He moved my legs apart to get closer to me and grabbed my face in both hands. He stared at me for a minute, my eyes filling with tears.

"Stop crying." There was so much tension between us at that moment, and neither of us even flinched. He kept staring me down, and I could feel the tears about to fall. To avoid it, I sniffed. Dongwoon cracked a smile and hugged me. After more silence, he sighed. "Of course I want more. But we're not the same as Gikwang and Song-E. They've had their feelings for each other figured out for a long time."

"So you don't—"

"I'm not saying that," Dongwoon held me back to look at him again, "You know that I'll always love you. I just need to figure out what kind of love that is. You understand, right?" I wanted to be hurt, to be angry even. But that funny thing is I completely understood where he was coming from. So I just nodded. He hugged me again and kissed the side of my head. My chin was resting perfectly on his shoulder, and I reached around him to grab the bowl of food and started eating.

Dongwoon laughed, "Okay let me escape."

"Hold on, I'm eating," I said, teasingly keeping him trapped in my arm.

"I will tickle you," he threatened.

"If you tickle me, I'll choke!" I whined, "Do you want to kill me?" Dongwoon groaned, standing limply in my arms while I ate. "Sorry being so close to me is so torturous."

"I'm hungry too~," he whined, "I want fooooood."

I let him go and when he turned to grab the food from the microwave, I playfully kicked him in the butt. He glared at me over his shoulder but there was a smile playing at his lips.

Truthfully, I knew Dongwoon was closer to figuring out his feelings for me than I was. I knew he was holding back for my sake. And I knew I could wait. He was right—we weren't like Song-E and Gikwang. But if he kept smiling at me like that, kept touching me like that… we were on the right track.