A/N : So you all went crazy for the last two chapters, thanks. There is still a ways to go, he majorly screwed up, so don't expect any happy times soon. Chapter 8 was beta'd at the speed of a super hero to get it out to you the same night and not leave you on such a big cliffy..so yes there were some misses on spelling and such.. but ya got the chapter so that should have made up for it :)
As always.. my super sexy beta is amazing.. Ereeen.. check out her story.. What a Horror. Also check out jandco's new story.. it is freaking heartbreaking.
Music for this chapter.. may not fit 100 but got me in the mood
Trouble- Coldplay, Places You have Come to Fear the Most- Dashboard COnfessional, The World Spins Madly On- The Weepies, What it is to Burn- Finch, Speechless- Fenix TX
Disclamer :DO NOT OWN
EPOV
I braced myself against my car for support. I was sure at any moment I would collapse.
The anger and pain of what I had done to Bella was beginning to boil over, and my car took a good deal of the damage.
"FUCKING…SHIT!" I screamed, sending my foot repeatedly into the door of the Volvo, leaving behind a large dent where I had made contact with my foot.
My hands were balled into fists and pressed against my forehead, my palms covering my moistened eyes. I hadn't even realized I was crying I was so angry with myself.
I had to fix this. I needed to find her and beg her to understand I never meant to hurt her. She is the most important thing in my life, she had to know that. How could she not know that?
Where would she have gone?
I knew the options I had laid out before me, and none of them were going to be a good place for me to go.
But I had to try. I had to get Bella back; I needed to.
I felt someone touch me and I jumped half way out my skin expecting it to be Bella. My heart dropped when I realized it was just Tanya.
"Edward, it's going to be okay," she said as she tried to calm me with her touch.
It wasn't working.
I brushed her hand away.
"It's not going to be okay, Tanya," I spat, "if I can't fix what I did, nothing will ever be okay again." I would spend the rest of my life trying to fix this.
"By the way, Edward…" Tanya said as she cocked her head to the side. "what did you do to her?'' She asked placing a hand on her hip.
"Tanya, I am begging you, not now. I have to find Bella. I have to fix this. I will talk to you about it later," I couldn't do this right now. I felt the panic begin to bubble over.
"You slept with her, didn't you?" Tanya asked slowly. The smile that was beginning to spread across her face didn't slip by me.
"Tanya," I growled, which immediately wiped the smirk from her face. I didn't want to do this now; there wasn't time.
"Edward, it's okay," She said after a pause and shrugged her shoulders.
"Tanya…wait…what?" I couldn't have heard her correctly.
"I forgive you, and I'm not upset. We weren't together when it happened and it is obvious from today's events that it meant nothing, so we can get past this." She reached her hand up to wipe the wet tears from my face.
"Tanya, I have to go talk to her now. She is hurt, and I fucked up. I'll be back tonight. We will talk then, but right now I have to focus on finding her," I said as I pulled her hand from my face and held it in my hand. I gave it a quick squeeze.
"I completely understand, Eddie. She's your friend, go after her. I hope everything works out. Call me when you get home and we can talk." She said with a small smile.
She leaned up to kiss me on my lips quickly, then got into her car and drove away.
I ran into the house in a frantic search for my phone. I didn't want to take the chance of missing anyone's call; someone might know where Bella was, or it could even be Bella. That was wishful thinking, but I hoped that she would talk to me. I had to explain.
I finally found my cell phone in the last place I looked; shoved in between the couch cushions. It must have fallen out of my pocket last night when I was…
"When I was a complete and utter ass who has ruined a life long friendship." I answered myself out loud.
My mother and father were going to have my head on a platter when they found out about this.
I found my keys on the table and ran out of the house, not even bothering to lock up the place. I ripped open my now damaged car door and jumped in, jamming the keys into the ignition. I had three options of where Bella could have gone.
Only two would let me see her, and the third would most likely kick my ass for hurting her.
I decided to try Rose and Emmett first.
I sped through the city getting more and more frustrated as time passed. Each stoplight or stop sign that held me up caused a stream of profanities to fly from my mouth and my mind to calculate how much trouble I would get into if I ignored them all together.
Bella would be worth it.
After the ten longest minutes of my life, I pulled up to my friend's house and jumped out of the car leaving the door open in my haste.
I launched myself up the stairs two at a time to their front door. Once I reached my destination, I started banging on the wooden door with my fist. When someone didn't open the door at my first attempt, I banged harder and screamed for Bella.
"Please, Bella! If you're here, please talk to me!"
I looked around and I saw that both Emmett and Rose's cars were here.
Could Bella's car be in the garage?
I was about to bang on the door again when Emmett swung the door open with a perplexed face.
"Dude, what the hell?" he grumbled annoyed. He looked as though I had just woken him from sleeping.
"Is Bella here?" I asked glancing over his shoulders, not even attempting to hide the eagerness in my voice.
"No man, why would Bella be here?" he asked, rubbing his drowsy eyes.
"Have you seen or heard from her; has Rose?" I was getting annoyed. My leg was beginning to jiggle with anticipation.
"Man, What is with you? What's going on?"
"I don't have time to explain. I need to find Bella,"
"Have you tried…"I didn't hear the rest of what he was going to ask. She wasn't there and I was wasting time talking to him.
I jumped back in the car and slammed the door. The only other place I could think of was Alice and Jasper.
As before, it was pure torture as I sat at the stop lights. I had to control the urge to slam my foot on the gas and say, "Fuck it."
The events of last night played over and over in my head. Each detail becoming more and more clear. The clearer things became, the more my chest tightened with a deep pain, which made it harder for me to breath.
Bella was so happy last night after coming home from her evening with Jake. Oh god, she was happy. She was happier then I had seen her in ages. I had taken that from her. I had kissed her and touched her like a lover would. I had started everything that night, even the drinking. Without the drinking, she would have never had let things go as far as she did. I felt my stomach drop.
I was finally driving again.
What am I going to say to her? How do I make this right?
When I let my mind think of just how bad this was, I was hit with the worst memory of them all.
Bella was a virgin.
Bella had always been open with me about that because we knew each other so well. She believed in waiting until it was with someone you truly loved. Bella hadn't found that person yet, so she was still pure.
But I stole it from her. I took the last bit of innocence in one hard stroke. I wasn't even gentle.
How would she ever forgive me for taking something that she planned to share for the first time with someone she was in love with? She would never have that moment she had dreamed of , and again, it was all my fault.
the first thing I saw when I pulled into the driveway of Alice and Jasper's house was her car.
She was here.
She was here.
I didn't think it was possible, but my heart jumped and dropped at the same time. Jumping, because I had found her and I would be able to talk to her. No, beg her to forgive me. If she allowed me, I would spend the rest of my life making this up to her. It dropped, because I had no idea how to begin my groveling.
The look on her face when she came home and saw me with Tanya was forever burned into my memory. I never saw so much pain and hurt registered on her face the entire time I had known her. To know that was because of me and what I did, was killing me because I didn't even know what I was going to do to fix it.
I parked the car and sat for a minutes thinking of how to make this work; how to approach her. I didn't want to say anything else that would cause her pain today.
I took one last deep breath before I stepped out of the car. This was Bella. She was my best friend. She would forgive me even if it took time. She knew we were meant to be a part of one another's life. We didn't function correctly apart. She would see that we needed each other to survive.
I needed her. I couldn't imagine my life without Bella in it.
I walked down the walkway to the door. I knew she was here because of her car, so there was no need for me to go mental like I had at Emmett's.
My index finger pressed the small round button that sent a tone through the house to let them know that someone was at the door.
I brought my hand to the back of my neck, rubbing it gingerly while I closed my eyes. I was trying to figure out what to say to Bella when I saw her. I hoped it was her who opened the door. She had surely told Alice and Jasper what happened, and I couldn't bear to see the disappointment in the faces of my friends at what I had done.
I heard the clank of the lock being turned, and the door slowly pulled open to reveal Jasper. My heart sunk. I didn't want to see Jasper, I wanted to see Bella.
"Jasper, I know she's here. Please, I need to talk to her,"
Jasper's face was a mix of anger and sadness as he slowly shook his head from side to side.
"You know that isn't going to happen, man."
"What do you mean, "it isn't going to happen," I asked as I used air quotations. Anger licked up my sides and I tried to contain it. "This isn't the time for games. I fucked up ,Jazz. I need to see her; I need her to forgive me."
"Man, she doesn't want to see you. She wants nothing to do with you right now. I can't let you in,"
"Jasper, I'm not asking. I need to see her. Now." The anger was threatening to spill over. How dare he try to stop me from speaking to her.
"Edward, I think it is best if you just go and give her some time. She is hurt really bad right now. Seeing you right now…it'll only hurt her more. You have no idea what is really going on, and you will say something that I can guarantee will only make this situation worse then it already is. Give her some time."
"What the hell does that mean? Of course I know what's going on! I was there!" If anyone didn't know, it was him.
"Listen man, don't get angry with me. Bella is the one in pain and I am going to respect her wishes, not yours." He said in a tone I had never heard from him.
"Jasper, "I said quietly, pleading with him. "I can't live knowing I've cause her pain. Please, I am begging you to understand. As a friend, help me,"
"I am being a friend; to the one who needs it, Edward. You have Tanya, Bella has us." He said as his eyes narrowed and a taunting smile crossed his lips.
That was it.
"BELLA!" I screamed suddenly. She would hear me. She would know that I needed to talk to her.
"Go home, Edward," Jasper said as he went to shut that door.
I slammed my palm against the door with a loud whap, keeping it from shutting.
"Bella, please, I am begging you, talk to me please." I wailed loudly.
"Edward, get your hand off my door. She will call you when she is ready." Jasper growled between clenched teeth.
I refused to move.
"Edward…" I heard the broken voice of Bella say.
My head snapped in the direction it came from. I saw her standing behind Jasper. Her arms were wrapped around her waist, and her eyes were red and swollen. Tendrils of hair had fallen from her ponytail.
She looked horrible.
"Bella, I'm so sorry, Bella. For everything! Please talk to me. We will fix this, I will fix this." It all rushed out my mouth too quickly. I couldn't understand half of what I was saying, I was sure she couldn't either.
"Go home, Edward," She said weakly, "I need some time away from you."
"But, Bella, you're my best friend. We have to….." I was cut off by the most gut wrenching sound possible
A strangled sob released from Bella's mouth, then I saw a streak of black. Before I knew it, my face had been hit by something hard and tiny. I had a shooting pain radiating from my nose. Warm liquid started drip down my lips, and I put my hand instinctively to my nose. I recognized the red color of blood on my hand when I pulled it back to examine.
I looked up to see who had hit me, and Alice stared back with a murderous look in her eyes.
"Get the hell off my property you piece of shit!" she screamed. Her shrill voice pierced my ear drums and I winced.
"Alice, I'm sorry…please..." She pulled back her arm as if she was about to hit me again, but Jasper stepped in and grabbed her arm. He wrapped his arm around her waist holding her in place.
"Leave now, Edward." he said sternly and pulled Alice away from the door. He closed it in my face.
The last glance I was able to catch was of Bella with her hands in her face and her body shaking.
When the door closed and I heard the lock click, something snapped and the anger I had over the situation boiled again, so I took it out on the door.
"Bella! Please… just talk to me," I moaned, banging on the door as I did at Emmett's. I felt the pain and nausea mix in my stomach at a violent rate. My stomach clenched and I felt like I was going to vomit.
After a few minutes of bloodying my knuckles, I gave up. I was only making things worse. I was here to apologize, not act like a five year old who didn't get his way. I had to calm down or I was never going to be able to set things right.
I decided to drive home.
I got in my car taking one last look at Bella's car. Knowing I was so close to her, but not able to talk to her killed me. I, however, felt better knowing she was with friends and wouldn't have to go through this alone.
I got home and walked though the door emotionally drained. I went into the bathroom and looked myself over in the mirror.
Alice had done a number on my face. I had dried trail of blood from my nose down to my cheek. My shirt had little drops all over it, and my nose had begun to swell. I can't believe that Alice hit me. It had hurt like hell.
I washed my face removing all traces of blood and walked into my room throwing myself on the bed, burying my face in the pillows.
All of a sudden, my body was overcome with dry, heaving sobs. What if we couldn't get past this, what was I going to do?
Physically and emotionally drained, topped off with being hung over, I fell into a restless sleep.
BPOV
We had pulled up to Alice's house with Jasper behind us in my car. I sat there not moving as Alice got out and said something to him when he walked up to her. I watched as he looked at me with worried eyes and nodded going into the house.
Alice turned to me.
"Come on honey, lets go inside,"
I nodded and opened my door, pulling myself out of the car.
Alice walked over to me, putting her arm around my waist. I leaned into her and walked in a zombie-like state with her into the house. Once inside, she walked me to the couch and helped me sit down.
"Bella, do you want some water?" Alice asked softly as she brushed a stray piece of hair from my eyes.
I shook my head no as I stared blankly at their fireplace.
Alice sighed and took a seat next to me, putting her arm around me. I laid my head on her shoulder. The numb feeling in me was not easing up, and I wondered if it ever would.
I kept trying to remember what it felt like to feel something-anything- to make it go away, but it wouldn't. I felt my body begin quake with sobs.
"Oh, Bella…" Alice said sadly, pulling me into a tight hug.
I buried my face in her neck and continued to cry. I couldn't help it. I tried to make it stop, but my heart had taken over and it was damaged beyond repair.
"Bella, it will be okay, I promise. He isn't worth this, Bella. He doesn't deserve your tears," she was trying to comfort me, but I knew but would ever be okay again.
"What's wrong with me, Alice?" I moaned through a hiccupping breath, "why doesn't he want me?"
"Because he is an ignorant, self absorbed asshole who I am going to kill, Bella," she said, gritting her teeth. "You have done nothing wrong but be that jerk's friend. He doesn't deserve you, Bella. You're too good for him."
"Maybe I was bad at it, Alice. Maybe I did it wrong, and she was better at that then me."
"Isabella, don't you dare for one minute try to make an excuse that that prick. You are perfect and he should be ashamed of himself."
"Alice, he didn't even wait twenty four hours before going back to her. It is like he slept with me and woke up and was with her. It had to have been something I did. He said they were over."
Had I been so bad that I made him realize how good he had it with Tanya?
Just then, the phone rang and Jasper picked it up. He said hello and his eyes went to Alice.
"Edward was over at Emmett's looking for Bella, he is on the way here,"
"Good, I have a few things I need to say to him." Alice said with venom.
"No, he can't come here, I don't want to see him." My eyes were growing wide with panic.
I was already beyond hurt and embarrassed. I didn't need that rubbed in anymore today.
"Bella, if you don't want to see him, you don't have to see him. I won't let him in I promise," Jasper said, placing a reassuring hand on my shoulder before returning to the phone.
I curled my legs to my chest and pressed my forehead to my knees. This was going to be bad. Edward was very stubborn. He wouldn't take no for an answer.
Jasper came back with the phone handing it to Alice.
"Yes? Oh hey, Rose…umm…" Alice looked at me with questioning eyes, and I knew instantly that Rose had asked what was going on. I simply nodded.
She stood and walked out of the room so that I didn't have to hear tell recount the events of the day.
Jasper had come and sit next to me pulling me into a hug and was rubbing my back when we heard it, a car. My body froze and short, gasping breaths started to pour from my mouth. My throat was constricting and my vision was becoming cloudy.
"Breath Bella, I won't let him in."
"He'll try anyway." I puffed between gasps.
"I'll deal with it," He said firmly.
"I don't want to cause problems for everyone…"
"Bella, the only one who will be causing problems is Edward if he doesn't take no for an answer."
The door bell went off. I jumped.
"It'll be alright Bella, I promise." With that, Jasper turned and went to answer the door.
I sat there frozen. The silence was deafening.
Then, I heard him.
"Jasper, I know she's here. Please, I need to talk to her," He sounded frantic.
"You know that isn't going to happen, man,"
"What do you mean, "it isn't going to happen?" This isn't the time for games. I fucked up, Jazz. I need to see her; I need her to forgive me." He practically screamed.
I stood up from the couch and moved closer, staying in the hallway where he couldn't see me.
"Man, she doesn't want to see you. She wants nothing to do with you right now. I can't let you in."
"Jasper, I'm not asking. I need to see her. Now." I could hear the tone of his voice turning angry
" Edward, I think it is best if you go and give her some time. She is hurt really bad now. Seeing you right now… it'll only hurt her more. You have no idea what is really going on, and you will say something that I can guarantee will only make this situation worse then it already is. Give her some time."
Jasper was right. Because I hadn't had a chance to tell Edward my true feelings, he would assume it was something completely different and I couldn't stomach hearing him assume. There was also no way in hell I was evey telling him my feelings for him now.
"What the hell does that mean? Of course I know what's going on, I was there." Edward screamed.
"Listen man, don't get angry with me. Bella is the one in pain and I am going to respect her wishes, not yours." Jasper said sounding lethal.
"Jasper, I can't live knowing I've caused her pain. Please, I am begging you to understand. As a friend, help me,"
"I'm being a friend o the one who needs it, Edward, and it isn't you. You have Tanya, Bella has us."
Edward changed his tactics, and started yelling for me.
"BELLA!"
"Go home, Edward,"
I heard what sounded like Edward hitting the door.
"Bella, please, I am begging you, talk to me please." He yelled out again.
"Edward, get your hand off my door. She will call you when she is ready."
This was too much. I couldn't stand here and let this go on, my problems were now causing problems for my friends.
I stepped out from the hallway to see him. He looked horrible. His hair was a mess, and he was wearing the clothes from last night. His eyes were bloodshot, looking as if he had been crying. His hand was pressed against the door, holding it open.
"Edward," I choked out.
His head snapped in my direction, his eyes burning into me.
"Bella, I'm so sorry, Bella! For everything! Please talk to me. We will fix this; I will fix this." He begged taking a step forward, trying to reach out to me.
"Go home, Edward…I need some time away from you," I said quietly.
"But Bella, you're my best friend. We have to…"
As he spoke the words, "best friend," a sob escaped my body. Those words would never change, even after last night I meant nothing more to him then a friend. I couldn't take it.
I saw Alice rush past me and straight up to Edward, and without any hesitation, she pulled back her tiny arm and moved it forward with as much force as she could muster and collided it with Edward's face.
I watched he back up with a look of utter shocked played across his face and his hands came up to his nose. When he pulled them away, he was bleeding. Everything in me wanted to run to him and make sure he was ok. If last night hadn't have happened…I would…but not now.
I pressed myself against the wall and listened as Alice screamed.
"Get the hell off my property you piece of shit." she screamed.
"Alice I'm sorry… please..." She pulled back her arm ad if she was going to hit him again before Jasper stepped in and grabbed her arm wrapping his arm around her waist holding her in place. I couldn't watch this; what my problems were doing to my friends.
I buried my face into my hands, and wished that it would all go away.
"Leave now, Edward." I heard Jasper say.
I heard them close the door and I looked up. Jasper was examining Alice's hand to make sure she hadn't hurt herself hitting Edward.
There was a loud banging on the door and it caused me to jump
"Bella! Please… just talk to me," Edward yelled.
Alice came to my side and lead me out of the hall. Listening to Edward in pain killed me. I couldn't help it. After everything that had happened, I couldn't just close off a lifetime of feelings.
What I longed for wasn't to be and he made that very clear today.
"Bella, sweetie, why don't you go take a nice bath and relax," Alice suggested, snapping me out of my thoughts.
"I don't have any clothes here, Alice. I don't know what I am going to do about that, I don't think I can go over there and see him right now."
"Bella, don't worry about it. You can borrow a shirt from Jasper, and Rose can bring something over for you, I'll call her now."
I just nodded and stood up. Alice walked with me to the bathroom and gabbed me a towel, telling me I could use anything I needed to. Then she left, closing the door behind her.
I stood there for a moment looking over myself in the mirror. I looked like hell. To think only an hour ago I was the happiest person in the world.
Now that feeling was replaced by an absolutely wretched feeling all over my body.
I turned to the shower and rotated the knobs to get the water the right temperature and started to undress.
I lazily kicked off my shoes, and slowly reached for the bottom of the hoodie I was wearing and pulled it up over my head.
I was instantly blasted with a scent that ripped apart my already shattered heart, making my stomach churn.
Edward.
I could smell him on me. I ran my hand down my neck, remembering why I smelled of him. His mouth had been there on me; kissing me, tasting me. I pictured how he felt, how he touched me, how my fingers felt gripping his hair.
How we made love.
But we didn't. It wasn't making love to Edward. It was a mistake. I would never feel his lips on me again, never feel his weight pressed against me. I would never again run my fingers through his hair.
Would I even see him?
What if I could never face him again after all of this. It would always hurt. any touch from him from this day forward would be torture. I couldn't live that way.
I thought then that this would be the last time I smelled him. I would never be that close again.
Everything we had was gone now and this scent of him on me is all I had left. Once I showered, it would wash away the last trace of him. I couldn't do it. It was all I had left of him, and how easily it would be lost to the water and soap. I would have nothing good of him left, only bad.
Bad memories that would overshadow any good I knew with him.
Could I really just get rid of the only thing I have left that easily?
Once again, the tears began their attack on my eyes as I slide to the floor crying. I wrapped my arms around my self trying to hold myself together.
Nothing was ever going to be the same.
My sobs must have echoed through the house because Alice came rushing in the house followed by Rose. Both girls sat on the floor on either side of me and held me.
They didn't speak. they just comforted me until I was able to stand and calm myself. They helped me into the shower and left me alone, telling me to call for them when I needed them back.
I then proceeded to wash away the last part of Edward I had.
A/N: Oh.. how many people want to shakes Alice's hand??