A/N: So because I love you and Ereeen is a super hero I went with not torturing you. Here is what you all wanted, I hope it was worth the wait.
Don't forget to check out my nominations over at the twilight awards in the all human round. Realize was nominated for Best angst and Threesome, thanks again to those who put my name in.
www(DOT)twilightawards(DOT)this-paradise(DOT)com
As always my sexy Irish loving beta.. you are amazing.. her story also was nominated, so check it out. What a Horror! by Ereeen
And now on with the moment!
BPOV
"I love you, Bella." Edward said, his green eyes boring deep into mine.
I think in that moment my heart stopped.
Why was he doing this to me?
He didn't mean it the way I did, and that hurt even more.
"No you don't, Edward, not the same way. You love me like a sister. You don't love me like I love you." I tried to wiggle out of his arms.
He only held me tighter to him. Crushing our chests together, his strong arms ensnaring me. Only one other time had his arms been around me like this.
"Yes. I. Do. I love you. Not as a friend, Bella, not as a sister, but as someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. I love you so much, that my heart hurts when you away from me, but the moment I see you again makes everything seem right in the world. I love you, Bella. I love you more than I will ever be able to tell you. I love you." Edward shook my shoulders lightly to emphasis his point. It didn't hurt me, just jarred my emotions into a horrible mess.
He couldn't. He never did. Why, out of all the times over the past few months, did he choose to do this now?
"Don't do this to me, Edward," I begged as I felt my body begin to shut down. "This isn't funny. Haven't you hurt me enough? I've been trying to let go, to get past this…and now you want to stomp on everything I've so tediously trained myself not to feel? Please don't do this." I was fighting with myself, don't relapse, Bella. It's too soon, you're not strong enough.
"I need to, Bella. I need you to know everything. I need you to know that I never meant to hurt you. Know that I will hate myself for the rest of my life knowing that I caused you so much pain. If there is anything I could do to take it back, believe me, I would. I can't though, and it kills me, Bella. It absolutely kills me. I'm so sorry, Bella. I'm so very, very, sorry. I didn't know, I should have known, I'm sorry…" His voice was cracking, I could see the tears filling in his eyes. Desperation outlined every inch of his body.
"Why now, Edward? Why are you doing this now?" I moaned weakly. I did a very cliché movie move; I hit Edward's chest with the soft skin of my wrists. Edward stilled my assault, then took my face into his hands. He crouched slightly so we were level with each other.
"Because I have chickened out every other time. For months, I have been trying to apologize. I have tried calling, coming to see you, leaving a set where I was filming in Ireland to fly back and make sure you were alright. Every single time, all I could think was that I was going to put you in more pain, and I could do it. Not after everything I already did."
"Wait, you flew all the way back from Ireland to see me ,but never came? Why?" Why would he do that?
Edward ignored my question.
"You should have called me, Bella. You should have told me. You know I would have been there for you."
"What are you talking about?"
"You thought you were pregnant, Bella! Have I hurt you so bad that you couldn't tell me, that you thought I was such a low life that I wouldn't want to be their for you? I wanted so badly to be there for you. I fucking jumped continents for you, because I wanted to be there. Then, I find out that the test was wrong when I got home, and that you were so upset that I thought I would only make things worse in that situation. So, I left you alone. I had already caused so much pain…I didn't want to make you hurt anymore."
He knew about the scare? Who told him about the scare…Oh god. But…he left me to deal with it alone. He was there, but he didn't come.
This time, using as much force as I could muster, I broke his grip on me and stepped back wide eyed.
"You were there? You were home and you didn't come to see me? Do you have any idea what that was like? I was so alone! I fucking needed you! How could you think that I wouldn't want you there? I didn't want to bother you. I thought I would be bothering you…but, you knew and you still didn't come." Why wasn't this making sense?
Tears were blinded my vision. All I could see was a blurry hunched over Edward.
"I wanted to come! I fought with myself, with Jasper…but I couldn't. I was so afraid that I had done enough damage to where seeing me would only make it worse, Bella. I didn't want to make it worse, please understand. I didn't know what the right thing to do was." Edward stated sadly. He attempted to touch my cheek but I stepped farther away.
Jasper told him? Why would he do that?
Oh God, Oh God…oh fuck…
"I-I nee-needed you, Ed-Edward, and you weren't there. I-I needed you then more then I have ever needed someone in my entire life. The others tried to help, but they weren't you!" I screeched through the sobs tearing up my throat. I was so angry, so hurt. So very, very angry. I think I may have started to hyperventilate. I couldn't breath properly.
"Everything I do hurts you and I don't know how to stop. I don't want to hurt you anymore, Bella." Edward's voice hitched and I watched as a tear trailed down his perfect face. He stepped closer to me to try and comfort me.
I backed up immediately.
I brought my hands to my face, allowing the sobs to take over me. I felt myself shake unsteadily as each one ripped through me.
"B-Bella, p-please, I can't live without you, please you have to forgive me, please…" Now he was choking back sobs. I wrenched my hands from my face and threw them up incredulously.
"Well, Edward, I don't know if I can." I tried to say with as much venom as I could muster. It just came out thick and wet.
"Bella… If I would have known, if I would have realized, I would have done so many things differently."
"So this is all my fault? That's mature. Blame it on me, then. Whatever helps you sleep." I scoffed loudly and wiped at my tears viciously.
"NO! No, I'm not saying that at all. I just, I don't know what to say. I can't change what happened, but you have to let me try, Bella. You have to let me be part of your life. I can't stand not seeing you. All I have left of us is the picture from when we were kids. Every memory is tarnished with my mistakes."
"What? What picture?"
"The picture from your room…I took it when Emmett and Jasper were moving your things out. It's all I have."
"You took my picture." I asked darkly, forgetting my streaming tears and mascara.
"Please, Bella, please? Give me a second chance."
"But, you took my picture." I replied. I hugged myself tightly.
Edward fell to his knees in front of me, running his fingers roughly through his hair and covering his eyes with his hands.
"Please, Bella…" he choked out through a muffled sob.
He looked so broken in that moment. I had never seen him so unhitched. It killed me.
I slumped to my knees in front of him.
I reached out my hand, running my fingers through his hair and down his face, cupping it.
He leaned into my hand. He brought his hands away from his eyes placing his hand over mine. I saw glistening trails sparkle against his features from the Christmas tree lights.
His touch had the same electric current it always did, sending a shock through my whole body.
We were both sniffling, both faces red and blotchy.
He brought his other hand to my shoulder, pulling himself closer to me. Once he was right up against me, his hand cupped my face. His thumb wiped away the tears on my cheek.
I bit my bottom lip lightly. My body continued to shake periodically from the exhaustion the heavy crying had caused.
I started wiping away the tears on the cheek my hand was touching.
Slowly, his hand drifted from my jaw to my neck, down my shoulder and past my arm until he came in contact with my waist. Edward slowly pulled me closer to him.
I didn't want to fight it. I was so sick of feeling this…empty feeling. I wanted to feel anything but hurt.
He released his hand from my face, and wrapped it around my waist as well and rested his forehead against mine. At first, I let my arms hang limply at my sides. My breathing was as uneven as his.
I slowly ran my hands up his arms to his shoulder, holding on for dear life.
I heard his breath catch.
He released my waist again to bring his hand back up to my face. He moved his head to the other side towards my ear.
"I've missed you every single day…I've missed you." He whispered in my ear, pressing his warm wet cheek to mine. I felt a tingle in my lower stomach as his words caressed me. I closed my eyes and relished this unnerving feeling.
"Me too…every single day." I whispered back and wrapped my arms around his neck.
"I love you, Bella." Edward said, turning his head. I felt his lips press against my cheek softly. He lingered longer than his kiss.
My eyes closed at the contact. My breathing became a little crazy, and I wrapped my fingers through the hair at the back of his neck.
He must of read this as a good sign, because he slowly, so very slowly, moved his lips toward my mouth.
My heart was beating erratically, and I slowly inched my head to the side to bring my lips closer to his.
When we were mere centimeters apart, and both of us were shaking in each others arms. We both exhaled an emotionally charged breath and paused for a mere third of a second before our lips touched.
I felt his warm soft lips brush against mine. The effect was instantaneous. Every single hole was filled, and every single rip sewn back together.
He slowly started to move his lips, and mine hesitantly followed suite. At first, it was sweet, and gentle, but then it started to deepen and intensify. It was all so familiar; his taste, his touch.
And the reason why it was familiar was brought back to my memory at a staggering speed..
The feeling of completion was ripped from me just as swiftly as it was returned.
The last time I had this feeling, the outcome was flashed before me.
I couldn't do this.
I wouldn't let this happen again.
I broke the kiss suddenly, and pushed myself away from my warmth.
Edward looked at me with eyes wide with shock and confusion.
"I-I'm sorry." I stuttered weakly.
"I-I can't do this, Edward, I can't." I pushed myself off the ground and brought my fingers to my lips. "I just can't."
"Bella, We have to talk. We have to work this out. I love you, and you love me! We can be together, we can start over!" Edward also jumped to his feet and wrapped a hand around my wrist.
"We can't, it's too late. Too much damage has been done, Edward, too much hurt. It'll always be there, it will always haunt us."
"No, it won't. We can get past it, Bella. We can move on and be happy together."
"No." I shook my head roughly and stumbled out of his grasp.
"Don't do this, Bella. Don't run away from me." Edward's voice was hoarse. I watched his face crumple in pain.
"I have to. If there is any hope for us every being able to be friends again, any hope to stay in each others life, we have to not do this." I pointed my finger at the ground, and avoided eye contact. I had to convince myself I was doing the right thing.
"That doesn't make sense."
"Edward, this has basically killed our friendship. If we were together and it didn't work out, it would be the finale nail in the coffin. We wouldn't be able to save it, Edward. We wouldn't be able to save us. Too much damage has been done. Our friendship would never recover."
"But we love each other. I love you, I can't just turn that off; I don't want to turn it off."
"You have to for us. You have to turn it off, Edward. There will be nothing left of us if it doesn't work. I am thinking of the long run, please understand. These past few months have been my own personal hell, and I have barely survived. There was always hope that some day we could be friends again and that is what kept me going. But, we wouldn't survive another blow." Edward threw his hand up in frustration and looked up at the ceiling. I narrowed my eyes.
"We wouldn't, and you know it. I can't risk losing you again. I wouldn't survive it. Do hear what I'm saying, Edward. I wouldn't be able to live. So for me, please, turn it off, Edward, please?"
"No, no, no, Bella, please. It'll work, we will work. We were meant to be together; we were made for each other. I didn't see it before because I was blind, but I see it now. Please." His chin was trembling and I had to look away.
I couldn't stay here. I had to get out of here. I had to go home.
I walked up to him and threw my arms around his neck pulling him into a quick, rough hug. I placed a kiss on his cheek and whispered, "I love you" into his ear and pulled back releasing him. He refused to unlock his arms from my waist.
" Let go, Edward, just let me go." My voice broke with another sob. He released me and I ran into the kitchen to find my Mom.
"Mom," I found her Charlie, Esme, and Carlisle all looking rather grim for Christmas. They must have been listening.
"Sweetie, I'm so-" I cut her off.
"No mom, please don't. I need your keys."
"For what, dear?"
"I'm going home. I can't stay here."
"We'll come with you." Renee began to get up from her perch on the chair, but I raised my hand to stop her.
"No, mom. I'm going home. Tonight. I need to get to the house to get my things."
"Oh, sweetie, no. Please?"
"Mom, I am begging you to just understand. I need to go home now."
"I'll drive you," My father spoke up.
"Dad you don't-" He cut me off.
"Baby, I'll drive you okay?" I just nodded my head and he stood up and headed out to the car.
I hugged Renee goodbye and promised to call the minute I got home.
Carlisle looked livid as he hugged me. He placed a kiss on the top of my head. Esme had tears in her eyes, but held them back as she hugged me and wished me a safe flight.
I rushed passed the living room in time to see and hear Edward throw something coupled by a juicy curse, and the sound it made as it shattered.
Charlie drove me to the house, and I shoved what I could into my duffle bag and threw it in the car.
Getting a ticket home was not an easy task, but I managed to catch a flight that was leaving in an hour. Charlie waited with me until it was time to take off and then he kissed me goodbye and I boarded the plan.
I cried the entire flight home.
EPOV
She wasn't going to give me a chance to prove I was different. I had no chance to prove that I meant every word I said. That I loved her, that we would work. I had ruined us, and she didn't think we would survive.
I walked over to the end table and picked up a ceramic figurine my mother had and threw it against the wall. It shattered into millions of little pieces. Just like my heart.
I collapsed to the floor as ripping sobs over took my body.
I felt someone kneel down beside me, and a arm pull me toward them. I wrapped my arms around them, holding on for dear life.
"Edward, it'll be okay." The soothing voice of my father said.
"I-I can't d-do this…" I choked out.
"Do not give up. She loves you too, she is just terrified, Edward. You are the most important thing to her, you know that."
"She won't even try,"
"Edward, it will work out. Fight for her. If it was your mother, I would fight until there was nothing left. Go after her, son. Do not come home until she is in your arms."
"But what about everyone here?" I questioned as I loosened my death grip on my Father.
"That doesn't matter. Everyone will be fine, we'll take care of them. Go to her and talk things through. Listen to her concerns, and do what you have to to make her listen. You'll never forgive yourself if you don't."
"I'm so sorry I've disappointed you, Dad."
"Don't worry about it now. Just go to her."
He gave me a hug and patted my back.
"It'll work out, son, it will." He whispered reassuringly.
Carlisle stood up, offering me his hand to help me off the floor.
I looked passed his shoulders and noticed everyone standing there, each with an identical face of awkward pain.
Alice ran up to me and threw her arms around me.
"She'll forgive you, Edward, she will." She squeezed my neck tightly as I squeezed her back.
"I hope you're right, Alice."
I turned to Erin, but she just held up hand and told me to get my arse in gear.
Carlisle drove me to the airport. There were no more flights to L.A. tonight, but there was first thing in the morning. I purchased my ticket and waited.
I just played the words Bella had said to me over and over in my mind, trying to see how I could show her she was wrong.
But I had no idea how to do that.
I let my mind wander on how I was going to make her listen.
The hours passed faster then it seemed.
Soon, it was time to board my flight. In a few hours I would find her, and she would listen. I would do everything possible to beg her.
I only hoped it would work.
A/N: UH OH! GO GET HER BB! Chapter 17 is it loves, I promise.. everything will be covered.. and I haven't even started writing it yet, needs to be prefect.. but you won't have to wait long.