Chapter 4: You Can't Be Sirius!

Well hullo humans, dogs, cats, frogs, miniature horses, dolphins, sharks, turtles, parrots, butterflies, alien life forms, lamps, telephones, bananas, toaster ovens, and blades of grass! I like to cater to a wide audience. I'm excited for this chapter, and I hope you are too! So get ready, and don't fasten your seatbelts, because that takes too much effort!

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars, Harry Potter, Manhattan Pizza, Pop-Tarts, Toaster Strudel, any of the candy mentioned in this episode, any of the books mentioned,

Warning: I had a mug of coffee shortly before writing this chapter.

"Hermione! Watch out! You're going to hit the floor! Use that spell you cast at Gringotts when you, Ron, and Harry were about to fall to your deaths from that unsafe roller coaster thing that takes you to your vault!" shouted Firecracker. Hermione trusted the stranger (hey, she's a stranger to her) and did so, then stood up and cast a suspicious look at Firecracker.

"How do you know about that? I don't even know you!" hormone inquired, rather perturbed.

"I… er… like to read up on my guests" said Firecracker awkwardly. Hey, no one likes being told most people consider them fictional.

"Guests?" said Hermione incredulously.

"I'll explain in a moment. Just sit tight while Voldemort brains himself on the floor" Firecracker replied, trying to calm her down. Sure enough, Voldemort practically cracked his skull on the floor. "Wow, he really did brain himself! I could take over for Trelawney! I'd rather not, tough. She's a batty old fraud." Hermione looked thoughtful for a moment, then said

"Hmm, another Divination non-believer. Perhaps you're not so bad after all".

"Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence" Firecracker retorted sarcastically. When she saw that Hermione was about to apologize, she quickly said "Just kidding. Don't worry, I can take a joke. Anyway, I'm Firecracker. Pleased to meet you." Hermione said "Er, yes, pleasure" while thinking "is she bipolar?". Firecracker hooped onto that ever-present podium and used a voice amplifying spell instead of a microphone.

"Greetings witches, wizards, and other people! My name is Firecracker, and you have just landed in the Funtastic Flamazing Floating Housey-Thing! For short, you can just call it home! Because… this is where you're living now. You could buy a house, but there are only Muggles around here, so you'd need a lot of Muggle moolah. Don't worry, you have ginormous rooms with nice, big clean bathrooms. Well, they're clean now, anyway. Everybody also has a map, which shows all the rooms. If you guys get hungry, there are kitchens, which might have food if you're lucky, and a bunch of other places. Aaaand, if you're interested, I'm going to Manhattan Pizza for dinner, so if you want to come, just let me know by 7 P.M., and you can come along. I'll even pay for you! So…. Okay, just two more thing 'til you're free. One: I need to take roll. Really brings back the Hogwarts memories, doesn't it?" She pulled out a list. "Harry?"

"Here"

"Ron?'

"Wha… Pumpkin juice? Oh yeah… here!"

"George?"

"Want to buy some Weasley's Wildfire Whiz-Bangs?" At this offer, Firecracker eagerly hopped down from the podium and skipped over to George.

" Ooh, how much?" she asked excitedly. George withdrew a couple boxes from his cloak and said, in his best salesman voice

"It's five Galleons for a Basic Blaze box and twenty for the Deflagration Deluxe".

"I'll take two of each!" George withdrew two more boxes and handed those, along with the original two. "Okay, here's 50 Galleons." Firecracker handed over the moolah. "after all, what this place really needs is more chaos." George smiled slightly disturbingly and said

"You know, Firecracker, I think we're going to get along just fine". Meanwhile, Snape was becoming very annoyed.

"Could we dispose with these pleasantries and get on with this infernal attendance?" he growled.

"Alright then, I'll mark you down as present, and we'll continue! Tally ho!" She leapt back up on the podium and read off the rest of the names. Besides the people already mentioned, there were the rest of the Weasleys (including Fred), Tonks, Lupin, Sirius, Dumbledore, Peter Pettigrew, Bellatrix, Peeves, McGonagall, Flitwick, Fenrir Greyback, Filth (Filch), Dobby, Kreacher, Kingsley Shacklebolt, Trelawney, Hagrid, Moldysnort (Voldemort), Dumbridge (Umbridge), Nearly Headless Nick, Moaning Myrtle, Neville, Luna, Xenophilius Lovegood, Seamus Finnegan, Dean Thomas, Cho Chang, Lavender Brown, Draco, Crabbe, Goyle, Lucius (Lucy) and Narcissist (Narcissa) Malfoy, Ernie MacMillan, Cornbread Fudgebrain (Cornelius Fudge), Rufus Scrimgeour, Fleur, Hedwig, Pigwidgeon, Trevor, Crookshanks, and Nagini.

"Okay then! Now, before you guys go do whatever, there's just one more thing. There are already people here, so don't get freaked out when you see strangers. Most of them are friendly and will introduce themselves. The only two you should look out for is the guy who looks like a big black robot, and the really pale, wrinkly guy with a black cape. Call the wrinkly guy Poopatina, and hex him whenever you get the chance. The sing up sheet for pizza is right here! See you guys around!" She hopped back off the podium and went to go talk to Luna. Fred, George, and Ron immediately signed up for pizza. Ron thought Firecracker was demented, but he wasn't about to pass up the chance for free food. Everyone else went to go do whatever.

Harry was wandering around the huge mansion aimlessly, exploring and whistling, when he nearly bumped into someone.

"Hey, watch where you're going!" The someone had a deep, robotic voice. Harry stopped staring at the ceiling, (the ceilings have Nyan Cats on them) and saw a guy that looked like a big, black robot. Oh, that guy! I think I was supposed to watch out for him…oops. Oh well, I'm pretty sure I can handle this thought Harry. So, he cheerfully introduced himself.

"Hi, Robot Guy! I'm Harry Potter." Vader sighed.

"My name isn't Robot Guy, it's Lord Vader."

"Oh, sorry. Firecracker said something about a robot guy, and I didn't know your name- wait Lord? I thought only Voldemort called himself Lord. Are you a new dark wizard?" He didn't add If you are, I'm going to have to defeat you because that was kinda violent, and maybe he just had bizarre parents who thought 'Lord' was a good first name. Behind his helmet, Vader looked confuzzled.

"Wizard? No, no, I'm a Sith Lord." Now it was Harry's turn to look confuzzled.

"Sith? Is that some kind of speech disorder?" Harry was starting to feel bad for this guy.

"No, no, no! It's not a disorder of any kind! It's just a regular order!" Vader was starting to get angry. "We're the enemies of the Jedi!"

"Jed-eye? What's that, a type of steak?" Vader was so taken aback by Harry's statement that he forgot to be angry.

"What in the galaxy do Jedi have to do with steak?" he said flabbergastedly.

"You know, jed-eye? Like rib-eye?" Harry was starting to wonder if Vader had mental issues.

"Oh. No." Suddenly, a white shape zoomed out of nowhere, dropped an envelope, and flew away as fast as it came.

"Thanks, Hedwig" Harry called out in the direction she took off. He picked up the envelope, tore it open, and read. This is what the letter said:

Harry,

There's an awesome vending machine in room Pigeon-73.9 It's on the fourth floor. There are maps at every elevator, so it should be easy to find. It's the best vending machine I've seen in my entire life! It has homemade cookies, fudge, pie, Pop-Tarts, toaster strudel, donuts, every ice cream flavor I can think of at the moment, giant Pixy Stix, giant Hershey Bars… giant soooo many kinds of giant candy! And so much more… Hurry before I eat it all!

Ron

After reading this all-important message, Harry knew he must run to the vending machine as quickly as possible. Better yet- fly! "Accio Firebolt!" he shouted. His broom flew to his side almost immediately. He hopped on. Before he left, he said a brief good-bye to Vader.

"Gotta go! Bye Robot Man!" And he left.

"IT'S VADER, PUNK!" shouted Vader at Harry, who was already in the elevator. He sighed.

Meanwhile…

Obi-Wan was sitting in some random and comfortable armchair reading a book. It was a delightful Agatha Christie novel titled "And Then There Were None". What most people don't know is that Obi-Wan loves mystery novels almost as much as Dumbledore loves knitting patterns. He had just reached a suspenseful part when he was interrupted.

"Hello! I've read that book, it's quite good. How far have you gotten? Sorry, I should introduce myself. My name is Hermione Granger." Obi-Wan looked up from his book.

"Hello, Hermione. Nice to meet an Agatha Christie fan. I'm Obi-Wan Kenobi. You can just call me Obi-Wan. Are you a friend of Firecracker's?" Obi-Wan thought privately that this Hermione sounded too logical to know Firecracker very well, but you could never tell.

"No, actually. I'm not quite sure exactly how I got here. All I know is I was sitting in my library, reading "The Iliad"- fascinating book, by the way- when all of a sudden this great purple vortex opens beneath my feet and next thing I know I'm falling from the ceiling!"

"A similar thing happened to me jet a few days ago. I can't make heads or tails of it" replied Obi.

"So you haven't got any ideas either… Oh well. Are you going to the Manhattan Pizza event tonight?" asked Hermione.

"Pizza event?" Obi-Wan had not caught wind of this.

"Yes, Firecracker's treating anyone who would like to come to free pizza. Very generous of her." Obi-Wan suddenly looked delighted.

"Free food?" Count me in! Anyway, see you around, Hermione!". With that, he ran off to sign up.

Ah, a conversation between two intelligent, mature people! They won't be so mature for long! MWAHAHAHA! Anyway, back to the action.

Firecracker was chatting animatedly with Luna Lovegood when she was suddenly Force- pulled away from the scene into a pinball arcade (this mansion includes pinball arcades). Firecracker was very annoyed when she found out who had been so insolent as to interrupt her conversation about radishes, pandas, and the sock industry.

"That was so rude!" exclaimed Firecracker indignantly. "Couldn't you see I was talking to Luna? Are you blind?"

"I'm a Sith Lord, not an animal shelter owner. What do you expect me to do, drive around in a van shaped like a unicorn giving out free ice cream, money, and plushies? I'll just have a parade with rainbow floats and ponies and confetti and cutesy music and puppies and kittens, and coat the streets with sugar and candy! I'll be the greatest Sith Lord in history!"

"What a fabulous idea! I can arrange that; what time works for you?"

"I WAS BEING SARCASTIC!" Vader was getting really angry now.

"I know. And I was being annoying" retorted Firecracker, as calmly as a bumblebee on a lily pad.

"Yes, yes. I'll give you credit, you're very good at that. Anyway, I'm filing a complaint."

"This isn't a hotel, but go on…" Firecracker said, starting to get impatient.

"Thanks to you, the boy with the lightning scar- Harry- thanks to you, he thinks my name is Robot Guy. Which means the other new people I've heard about probably will too. Also, he thinks that Sith is a speech disorder and that the Jedi are a type of steak." After laughing for about two minutes, Firecracker finally replied

"Feel free to use the podium and microphone to introduce yourself. As for the whole Sith and Jedi issue, I can explain some of that when we're back from Manhattan Pizza." Vader suddenly became interested in what Firecracker had to say.

"Pizza?"

"Yes, anyone who is interested can sign up on the sheet next to the podium. All the food and drink is on me." Behind the helmet, Vader suddenly look ecstatic.

"Free food? IT'S MY LUCKY DAY! WOOHOO!" And so, he ran out of the room. Firecracker had almost made her way back to Luna when she was pulled aside once again, this time by Fred and George.

"Hey! We've got an idea…"

Ooh, suspense! Anyway, hope you guys enjoyed! By the way, please review! I'm getting desperate! Even just one word helps! If you review my story, I'll review yours! I also have a brand-new forum under Star Wars called Do People Know You Exist? I will make one under Harry Potter too. You can post there if you're having trouble getting reviews, too. Toodles!

~Firecracker