Chapter 5: Pizza and Destruction
Ooh, what a dangerous sounding chapter! I'm quaking in my boots! Wait… I'm only wearing socks. Okay, I'll just quake in my imaginary boots instead. If I have any readers who are not reviewing, but they are reading, please write a review! I still only have two reviews, and I have five chapters! Anyway, it's time for that ever-present disclaimer.
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars, Harry Potter, abc, Manhattan Pizza, Nyan Cat, Hallmark, A Very Potter Musical, A Very Potter Sequel, or any of the songs/ artists mentioned in this chapter. I do, however, own the very inconsequential character of Larry Schmozzenheimer
Firecracker was hungry. She decided it was time to check the sign-up list and see who wanted to come. It would just have to be tough luck for anyone who hadn't signed up yet. She wanted dinner! Besides, it was after the time she said she would see who signed up. So, she picked up the list and began to read. The people who signed up were Harry, Ron, Hermione, Obi-Wan, Vader, Luna, Fred, George, , Ginny, Bill, Luke, Han, Qui-Gon, Sirius, Mace, Yoda, Lupin, Hagrid, and Neville. Leia and Fleur had become fast friends and were going to watch some random chick flick that was on abc that night. So, rounded up the dinner goers by the elevator at the outside of the mansion that led to the outside world.
"As you can see, I had a judgment lapse and made the elevator too small to fit more than 6 people at a time. So, let's see… who don't I trust to be in an elevator by themselves…" Some of the characters looked slightly offended. "Alright…" Firecracker began to speak again "Vader, Fred, George, Han, and Sirius, you can all come with me. Everyone else can do whatever, as long as Yoda and Hagrid go together. Yoda's… smaller size can make up for Hagrid being half-giant." Once Firecracker's group was inside the elevator, she began to sing. "It's pizza time, pizza time, going to the pizza-"
"How long is this elevator ride going to take?" groaned Vader in annoyance, cutting her off.
"Good timing, since we just hit the ground" observed George. He turned to Fred to ask him a question, but Fred had already escaped the elevator and was admiring the limousine parked nearby.
"Whoa, awesome car! IS this yours?" he asked, turning to Firecracker.
"Of course!" she responded. "How else would I fit all these people?". Vader, on the other mechanical hand, was less impressed.
"What's this, some kind of speeder?" He tried to look for an opening at the top like most well known Star-Wars vehicles possessed, and soon discovered the front hood.
"How are you supposed to enter with all these wires here? This vehicle must be seriously broken." He attempted to remove some of the wires.
"No, don't mess with it, it's not-" Firecracker broke off due to a small explosion. "-broken" she finished uselessly, sighing. "At least, it wasn't."
"WHY DID IT EXPLODE? This stupid new galaxy has negatively affected my skill at fixing machines!" Vader complained. After a moment of confuzzlement, Firecracker replied
"Wha- no! No, Earth vehicles- we call them cars- are just very different from vehicles in your galaxy. This galaxy is called the Milky Way, if you were curious."
"Like the delicious candy bar!" Ron added. "So, now that the car is broken, how are supposed to get to the pizza place?" Not surprisingly, Ron was anxious about the food.
"Apparition, duh!" was George's solution. Unfortunately from him, Firecracker had some qualms about that plan.
" Some people" she began, jerking her head towards the Star Wars characters "don't know how to Apparate."
"Well, we'll use Side-Along Apparition!" George amended.
" Do you really want to hold hands with one of the top villains of all time?" Firecracker looked dubious. Everyone shook their heads vigorously.
"WE'RE ALL GOING TO STARVE! MERLIN SAVE US!" screamed Ron, on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
"Don't get your knickers in a twist! I'll just call Phoenix, and she can drive us, so long as no one causes her car to explode, too." True to her word, firecracker whipped out her cellular phone and called Phoenix.
"Hem hem! This is Dolores Umbridge speaking!" On the other end of the phone, Phoenix was pinching her nose and making her voice as high pitched as possible.
"Hi, Phoenix. Vader made the limo explode. He thought it was broken."
" Let me guess. You are in need of a ride" Phoenix said, returning her voice to normal.
"You're a genius."
"Tell me something I don't know! Anyway, I'll be there in a minute. Just let me magically expand the car. Toodleoo!" On that cheery note, she hung up.
"WE'RE SAVED!" screamed Firecracker joyously.
"HUZZAH!" cheered the hungry characters.
SCREECH! A snazzy red limo pulled up in front of the famished crowd. Out stepped a girl with long, unruly red hair with yellow highlights, sunglasses, and a gold Mardi Gras-type necklace.
"WASSUP, YO!" SHE SHOUTED. Apparently, Phoenix had decided to be faux-gangsta today. Firecracker went along with it, turning her duck baseball cap (you know, the kind where the cap is the duck's head and the part that shades your eyes is the bill) sideways and screaming "WHAT'S CRACKALACKIN', HOMIE!" As you can see, these two do not make very good gangstaz.
"I'm not sure I feel safe being driven by these people…" muttered Lupin to Sirius. However, most of the crowd was far too ravenous to object to a basket case behind the wheel. So, the throng hopped inside the beautiful, majestic, shiny red limo.
A/V (Annoying Voice): Ahhh! Mary Sue car!
Me: Oh, shut up. Can't you see there's a story going on here? Go away!
"We're off to eat the pizza, the wonderful pizza of Oz!" sang Firecracker gleefully.
"That's not the way I remember the song" Luna commented vaguely. "I rather like that version, though". The gang arrived at Manhattan Pizza in a matter of minutes, since Phoenix had a penchant for speeding and the police were too entranced by the beauteous, graceful, yet incredibly fast movement of that gorgeous car to actually consider the law.
Larry Schmozzenheimer was working another mind-numbing, tedious shift at Manhattan Pizza. He hated his job, but it payed the bills, and for the dates with his girlfriend. He gazed out the window dreamily. Oh, how he longed for excitement! For adventure! For thrills! Sadly, all he had was an empty restaurant. His head nodded, and he began to snore. Suddenly, the sound of a stampede of ravenous, screaming people awakened him. Holy guacamole, there were a lot of people in here! A throng! And a very odd throng at that. There were oddly dressed teenage girls, men clad in dark robes, and… oh dear God, some Star Wars geek dressed up in a Vader suit. Larry rubbed his hands together in glee. At last, some excitement!
"IT SMELLS DAHLEEEESHUS IN HERE!" Firecracker skipped to the cashier. Having taken everyone's orders in the car she promptly ordered 30 cheese pizzas, 15 pepperoni-sausage pizzas, 5 "combo-topping" pizzas, and 50 orders of baklava. Hermione tapped Firecracker's shoulder.
"Isn't that a lot of pizza for 22 people? We didn't order THAT much."
"Leftovers, my friend. Leftovers. They are a valuable thing to have in the mansion. Last night, before I went to bed, I saw about 150 brownies in the pantry. When I woke up, only one remained." Hermione, satisfied enough with this answer, chose a seat.
"Er… ma'am… that would take several days for me to make…" said the cashier nervously.
"Oh, that won't be a problem, Mr.…." Then, she caught sight of his nametag.
"LARRY… SCHMOZZENHEIMER! THAT IS THE MOST HILARIOUS NAME I HAVE SEEN ALL YEAR! R. O. F. L! She then proceeded to literally roll on the floor laughing. Vader, utterly clueless as to why anyone would want to roll on the floor because of a nametag, decided to consult an intelligent person.
"Is she having a seizure?" he asked Obi-Wan. He was rather concerned. If Firecracker was hospitalized, who would provide payment for the food? In rather haughty tones, Obi-Wan replied
"You killed me. I don't feel terribly inclined to talk to you right now" and turned away. If Obi-Wan had the knowledge of "shunning", he would have done so at that moment. Phoenix, on the other hand, had decided enough tomfoolery had occurred, and was blocking her path to glorious pizza.
"Don't worry, Larry. We'll be able to make the pizzas quite swiftly if you allow us to help!" She attempted to smile sweetly. Larry, who had the uncomfortable feeling that these nutjobs were endangering his life, did not object. So, without further ado, the magic-using gang headed to the back of the parlor to create some delectable pizza pies. With all those wizards helping, the pizzas were finished in only 15 minutes. Unfortunately, it had not occurred to the cooks that when they returned to the dining area, the remaining people (basically, the Star Wars characters) would be duking it out … and destroying some furniture in the process. Hermione was about to fling a book at someone's head out of sheer panic when she noticed the moving cash register.
"Obi-Wan?" she began tentatively. "Why do have a cash register on you head?" Firecracker, of course, began excitedly asking questions.
"Is that a fascinator! I love it! Where did you obtain such a priceless accessory? I didn't notice a hat shop here. Is there a secret passage to a hat shop here? How do I get in? Will you take me?" she babbled.
"Shhh!" Obi-Wan begged urgently. "You'll blow my cover!" Sirius looked skeptical.
"Cover as… what, exactly?"
"A cash register! Duh! Why else would I have placed this infernal object atop my head?" he fumed. Most of the crowd was watching this spectacle with rapt attention. Phoenix, however, had other plans. She opened the cash register drawer, withdrew a dollar bill, and waved it over her head tantalizingly.
"Hey! Look, guys! Money!" As if a spell had been cast (which, come to think of it, would be a less chaotic way out of this mess, but that's no fun), the duelers ceased their fighting and lunged for the bill. They began to stampede her, abandoning reason and snatching wildly for the dollar. This onslaught of what can only be described as rabidness was not something the unsuspecting Phoenix had bargained for.
"Uh, guys! Please! Stop mauling me! There's no need for this! None of you are Darth Maul! I mean, come on, it's one dollar! Wouldn't you rather have some delicious pizza?" At this inquiry, Mr. Weasley, Hagrid, and Neville, who had been holding the towering boxes of pizza, dropped them and fled to the other side of the room. Right on cue, the group (which, if you're curious, included Vader, Luke, Han, Chewbacca, and Yoda- Qui-Gon was hidden behind an immense stack of empty pizza boxes) dove upon the pizza. However, there was only so much pizza even that crazy crowd desired, leaving the more peaceable people to grab their own slices.
"Gee, I'd never thought I'd be acting saner than anyone else besides Phoenix and serial killers" mumbled Firecracker through a slice of her favorite cheese pizza. Eight minutes and a few boxes of pizza later, the previously dueling characters had settled down enough for some meaningless chatter. Apparently all that had been bothering them was empty stomachs. Larry, who, a few minutes earlier, had decided it was safe to emerge from the kitchens and collect the money for all that food, wiped his brow, relieved. That relief would not last long.
"Psst! Firecracker! Ready to put our plan into action?" whispered Fred.
"Oh! Right!" Remembering the aforementioned plan, she nonchalantly strolled over to her waffle-print backpack she had left under one of the non-destroyed tables, not wanting to attract any unwanted attention. After all, Phoenix and George were the only others who knew of this mysterious plan. A faint rustling sound could be heard as Firecracker delved into the depths of the bag. Her hands felt cardboard. The box! Success was only a moment away… But it was not to be had. Being a klutz, she had accidentally pressed the Nyan Cat keychain on her backpack. Which made noise. Lots of noise. Hoping no one would notice the sudden music, she began to back away…
"Not exactly a master of espionage, are you?" noted a girlish, falsely sweet voice. Horrified, Firecracker turned around to face…
"Umbridge? How did you get here? And…why?" Firecracker was confuzzled.
"Oh, I was doing a little shopping at Hallmark when I saw head with red hair and stupid complexions. I decided that so many Weasleys meant trouble was brewing! And, my dear, it certainly looks as if you're being a troublemaker, too."
"How dare you steal that line from A Very Potter Musical? It's not even yours! And even if it was, you're nothing like the Umbridge in A Very Potter Sequel!" Firecracker fumed, rage bubbling up. Normally, Firecracker was a very happy individual – rather irrepressible, actually- but woe betide thee who defiled the glorious names of A Very Potter musical and/or A Very Potter Sequel!
"Temper, temper!" Umbridge chided. "Why don't you just hand that box over, dear."
"No!" refused Firecracker. Umbridge drew her wand.
"Hand it over." She pointed her wand at Firecracker. In response, Firecracker reached into her pocket for her own wand, ready to retaliate… and realized she had left it beside her pizza. Feeling stupid for neglecting to bring it on a mission, she racked her brains for a plan. Desperately, she shouted "Fred! George! Phoenix! CATCH!" and hurled the contents of the box at them. Miraculously, the threesome managed to catch the flying objects. As Umbridge saw them fly by, her face paled. These were no ordinary mischief-making objects. These were…
"Weasley's… Wildfire… Whizbangs?" she croaked. "STOP THEM!" she shrieked. Sheepishly, she remembered there was no Inquisitorial Squad to aid her in her quest for a fussier world. Therefore, she took it upon herself to stop the fireworks. She failed miserably. Fred let a rocket explode, which chased after Umbridge, who promptly fled the pizza parlor. The crowd enjoyed the rest of the show, oohing and ahhing at the various displays of light as they danced, spun, and destroyed furniture.
After he had fled the Manhattan Pizza and was safe in his car driving home to his condo, Larry Schmozzenheimer reflected on the fiasco at the pizza parlor. Considering all the destruction that had occurred, he decided he much preferred mind-numbing, tedious shifts. Excitement had not turned out so well.
WOOHOO! I finally updated! I hope you guys are as excited as I am about that fact! Anyway, a big big big big thank you (as opposed to a big big big big day, which is more Effie Trinket's style) to Rainmist-and-Lilymist for reviewing! Your rule!
By the way, have all you Warriors fans out there read The Last Hope yet? I have! It was amazing! I'd better shut up before I reveal anything.
~Firecracker