Title: 100 Steps To Somewhere

Fandom: Kingdom Hearts

Claim: Cloud/Riku

Theme: 047. Embarrassment

Word Count: 3,172

Rating: M

Summary: Riku can't see a thing, and it doesn't entirely have to do with that blindfold. Cloud attempts to shed some light for him.

Disclaimer: I wish, okay? It's all lies. I don't own Kingdom Hearts, I don't know anyone who owns Kingdom Hearts, and I am not affiliated with anyone who is affiliated with anyone who owns Kingdom Hearts. I think that about covers it.

Step Forty-Seven: Schadenfreude

A dry sting burned Riku's eyes as he lay on his side in the tattered bed. He stared into the dark material of the blindfold, blinked a few times, and closed his eyes. After a few moments of stillness, he slid his fingers under the material and rubbed a thumb across his eyelids. He readjusted the blindfold and yawned.

"Stop it," said Cloud. His voice was soft with the hint of a chuckle as it floated across the room. The bed sank behind him under Cloud's weight, and then a strong, muscled arm wrapped around his stomach. "You need rest. Stop fighting it. I know you've got to be exhausted."

"I can't get comfortable."

"Everything's going to be all right."

"I know. I'm just restless."

"You're restless because you're worried and stressed out. I promise you that everything will be all right."

Riku sighed. He placed his hand over the arm around his waist and squeezed.

"I know. You're here."

"Oh, I see. So now you're glad I'm here."

"Shut up. I was glad before; I just . . ."

"Didn't want me to see you like this."

"Yeah."

"I hope you know how stupid that is. I mean, really, what did you think would happen?"

"I don't know. I guess I thought you'd be disappointed. Uncomfortable with me. Angry that I let some of Ansem out. Upset that I'm going through all this for Sora."

"You need to do what you have to do for Sora's sake. I get that."

"He's my best friend and I've completely fucked him over. I owe him this much."

"I know. I get it. It's not like I feel in competition with Sora. I don't even think you're being stupid enough to try and sacrifice yourself again. I think you feel a moral obligation to do this for you just as much as him, and if the only way to fulfill that obligation is to let Ansem out, then you have to do it."

"But what if I can't do it yet? What if I have to let it out completely?"

"We'll deal with that if it comes. Until then, you need your rest. Stop worrying so much, at least for tonight. I already promised you that everything would be all right. I am here, and I'm not letting you go back into this on your own."

"You're not going to help me fight Roxas."

"No, I'm not, but I'm here for you. I'm glad I came. I wouldn't want you to hide from me."

"You seriously aren't uncomfortable with this?"

"Sure I am. In the same way I've been uncomfortable about your involvement with the darkness before. I worry for you every day because I get scared that I might lose you, but otherwise . . ." Cloud sighed; Riku huffed. "You're still my Riku no matter what happens is what I'm trying to say. That's what matters."

"It's humiliating."

"What? The eyes?"

"Yes."

Cloud smoothed a hand over Riku's hair; his nose pressed against the back of Riku's head.

"You never have to feel embarrassed with me. About anything. I love you and nothing's going to change that."

"I know, and I love you, too, I just . . . I feel like such a burden. I have for a long time. I feel like I'm doing the same screwed up shit over and over again, and I just keep dragging you down with me."

"Life is like that. We've all got our bad habits and insecurities. You tend to be very stubborn. You're very proud. When you put the two together . . ."

Cloud paused. Riku squirmed, breath bated for what would follow.

"That bad, huh?"

"You end up hiding. You hide from the people you love so that they can't see you broken. Whether you're running away or putting up a cocky front."

"You calling me cocky?"

"In more ways than one. And I didn't say you are cocky; you use it as a defense mechanism."

"You make me sound horrible."

"Not horrible. You just get insecure sometimes and don't want people to see you vulnerable. You're fairly confident and self-assured most of the time. And not in an obnoxious way, either . . ."

"You didn't see me on Destiny Islands. I was pretty obnoxious then."

"Riku, what you need to understand is that the darkness reached you when you opened that door to Destiny Islands, but you were going down the path long before. You were pulling away. You were trying to hide who you are. You let your insecurities get the better of you."

"You're one to talk."

"Oh, yeah, I know. I do it, too. I do it all the time. I still haven't told Tifa or Leon about the Jenova cells. I pretend that I don't still feel awful about leaving all the time. I feel like I ruin everyone I know and that it's only a matter of time before I drag you down, too.

"I feel like a failure for not killing Sephiroth. I feel like a bad friend to Leon for leaving him on Midgar and now putting him through our drama. I think I'm responsible for Zack's death because he might still be alive if he hadn't brought me along on his escape. I've been terrible to Aerith because she's so supporting, but I can't seem to open up. I feel like a bad boyfriend to you because I can't do anything other than hold you. Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm keeping you from your light. It took until now for me to tell you about my past."

Riku shook his head and frowned.

"You're such an idiot. You've been great for me. I don't know how many times I have to tell you that I wouldn't make it through this without you. Having you in my life is what keeps my hope going."

Cloud laughed.

"Now I'm embarrassed."

"No, really; I mean it. You're so amazingly strong. I wish I could be more like you."

"What? Brooding and emo?"

"Oh, shut up. I know you've got your insecurities, too, but you handle it so much better than I do. Sure, you push people away, but while you're doing that, I'm putting them down and losing my temper. Your friends—hell, people who don't even know you very well—know that you think you're protecting them. I make them hate me until I'm all alone."

"We all have our battles."

"No, I just . . . I'm afraid of what happens if you beat Sephiroth and I'm still in the darkness. I'm afraid of losing you. You know, you're afraid of me dying, but I'm afraid of you coming to your senses. I'm so much younger than you that I'm still waiting for you to stay I'm being immature. I feel bad about all the things I've done all the time. I hate that when you told your friends about me—Leon especially—you had to tell them all that horrible stuff. I hate that when I was missing, you had to tell them I was taken by the Heartless because I wasn't strong enough. I'm sorry you had to lie to Sora for me because I was too defensive. I'm sorry I'm not someone you can be more proud of."

Riku's heart pounded as the confession spilled from his lips. He was thankful for the blindfold; he doubted he'd be able to say all this looking Cloud in the eyes. His words spilled forth and Riku wished he could do anything to take them back, stop them—something to make this moment disappear.

"I'm just sorry you have to be here," said Riku before Cloud could speak. Before he could say anything to make this day worse than it already was. "I'm sorry you feel you can't let me go through this alone. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough without the darkness. I'm sorry I'm nothing special. I'm sorry about my eyes."

The arm around his body tightened. Riku felt Cloud's lips press against his cheek.

"You done?"

Riku huffed.

"Cloud . . ."

"That was a lot of apologies."

"Please don't . . ."

"You shut up now. It's my turn to talk."

"But you . . ."

"No. Listen to me. I am proud of you. And I don't care what you think I must feel; I like telling my friends about you. I may not be happy with the things you've done, but that's only because I love you and I want you to be okay. I'm not happy about your eyes, but I don't blame you. I'm not mad at you or ashamed. It's not going to change anything about how I feel for you. I'm not here because I feel I can't let you do this alone; I'm here because you shouldn't have to. Start accepting that. You're stuck with me. I'm not going anywhere. Not even if you opened your heart all the way and got really ugly looking like Ansem."

"You promise?"

"Yes."

"It's not an unrealistic possibility."

"Your eyes are orange. I think I'm aware."

"It could happen tomorrow."

"I know that. I'm not going anywhere. Accept it."

"It's hard to believe."

"Hard to believe? You are the luckiest little bastard in the world. You have friends, family, and a boyfriend who all love you unconditionally. Stop beating yourself up and making things harder on yourself."

Riku sighed.

"You're right. I know. I just . . . It's rarer than it should be to have so much support. And I've pushed so many of them away. I just figure it's only a matter of time until I push you away, too. So, yeah. It's hard to believe it's real."

"Believe it. Sora and Kairi are going to be your friends again. You'll see your family again. And I hold it on good authority that you can't get rid of me. I mean, really, I'd like to see you try."

"I'll just wait until you feel I need protected from you again."

"Very funny. Go to sleep. I'm here, okay? I won't let anything happen to you."

Riku nodded. He closed his eyes, worry and shame still coursing through his veins. His eyes still stung from tears. It was odd trying to sleep in a blindfold. Roxas—his movements, words—occupied his thoughts, feeding the anxiety. Sora's face was on his mind. Riku clung to it, not allowing it to escape for fear of losing the memory again. The face made the failure seem bigger, though. Worse.

Cloud's breath was warm and steady on his neck. Riku moved back into the body, curling up his legs to fit more securely against Cloud's chest. He wished for sleep. Cloud's fingers stroked his bare shoulder and fatigue eventually won out. Riku fell into unconsciousness.

-----0-----

Riku woke to an empty room. At least he thought it was empty because he didn't sense Cloud's presence but he couldn't see past the blindfold. He pinched the bottom and curled the material up to glance around the room. His senses were correct. No Cloud in sight. He replaced the fabric.

Riku slid from the bed and groped around the room toward the doorway. He followed the stairs down to the bathroom and slipped inside. Once there, he turned the lock and pulled the blindfold away. The first thing he noticed was the lightened, vacant spot on the wall where a grimy mirror hung last night. A slip of paper lay on the basin. Closer inspection identified the paper as a note.

Apparently Cloud was out procuring something to eat and if Riku was reading this, Cloud was correct to assume Riku would remove the blindfold to wash up. Riku scowled. They'd either lived together too long or this relationship was going better than Riku could've ever hoped for. A smile replaced the frown as he looked from Cloud's words to the wall. If he had removed his blindfold to wash up, he was not brooding over his eyes, either. At least if Cloud had anything to do with it.

Riku shook his head and laughed. That Cloud sure was something, and he didn't entirely mean that in a good way.

His brushed his teeth, washed his face, and Riku patted his skin dry as he heard the door open. Twisting his back, Riku turned toward the sound and cocked his head.

"Cloud?"

"Yeah, it's me," said Cloud, his voice passing through the door. Riku smiled and grabbed the blindfold from the sink. "Sorry it took me so long. There's no food here. At least not any I could find and I wasn't about to ask Organization XIII for help so I had to go back to Twilight Town. Corridors of darkness suck."

Riku frowned. He tied the blindfold around his head, groped for the doorknob, and exited the bathroom.

"How's it going with that thing?" said Cloud.

"My senses are sharpening. Did you say Twilight Town?"

"Yeah. That's where I landed the Gummi, remember? I told you last night."

"Last night was highly emotional. So you know where it is?"

"Yeah. Closest world to here."

"Figures."

"Here." Riku felt Cloud's hand wrap around his forearm and slowly pull him toward the ground. Once seated, Cloud passed him his breakfast. "Why do you ask?"

"Cause that's where DiZ lives. I'm supposed to take Roxas to his mansion once I've got him."

"You mean that big, old decrepit mansion?" said Cloud. Riku detected a frown in his voice.

"I guess. Why?"

"No reason. Just now I know whose place I keep breaking and entering."

"Breaking and entering?"

"Yeah. The portal to this world is in the mansion."

Riku snorted.

"You've been breaking into DiZ's mansion. I see."

"Actually, you're pretty blind right now, but yeah. So I can help you get back there once you beat Roxas if you like. I have to go back anyway to get my ship."

Riku nodded.

"Yeah. That'd be great."

"So, anyway, I have plans for us today."

Riku raised an eyebrow.

"Plans? Kinky sex plans or do you have something more productive in mind?"

"Something more productive, but I'm willing to put it aside if you were hoping for kinky, blindfolded sex."

Riku laughed.

"Maybe later, Casanova. So what are your plans?"

"Training."

"Training? No offense, Cloud, but I think I know how to use my Keyblade."

"I think so, too, but you're blindfolded now. You can't just open your eyes, and when you fight like that, maybe you can sense the Heartless. Maybe you can sense Roxas, and maybe you can even sense my presence because you can smell darkness . . ."

"I can smell the light, too."

"Yeah, but you need to get around without being able to see. You need to make sure you aren't going to run straight into a wall."

Riku frowned. He turned his head as if to stare at the floor, but as he was blinded . . .

"I suppose you have a point. I'm not even sure why I'm keeping my eyes open right now. It's not like I can see anything."

"You're acting weird again."

Riku smiled.

"It's just that I didn't even . . . I've been groping my way around here without thinking about how messy this could get. I kind of feel like an idiot. I also feel kind of stupid for wearing the blindfold in the first place. Like I should just deal with this."

"I don't care whether you wear it or not."

"No, it's not that. I mean . . . I really don't want Roxas to see me like this. You already have and that's bad enough, and he did catch a glimpse of it, but you don't show your enemies your weak points."

"So you've told me."

"I just have to get used to it. That's it. You were right last night. I think I am lying to myself, but it is the only thing I can do. I think I'll lose it if I even catch my reflection for a second. It's a constant reminder that he's still there . . ."

"I know. I get it. Remember the wing?"

"The wing?"

"Yeah," said Cloud, laughing. "The first time we met. I still had my wing."

"Why do I not remember this wing?"

"I don't know. You were too busy staring at my stunningly attractive face?"

Riku snorted.

"That must've been it. So what is this wing?"

"Sephiroth thing. Being tied to him. Constant reminder that Sephiroth wasn't dead. Would've gone away once I finished him, but Hades ripped it out of my back after The Cerberus Incident. Took over a month to heal properly. At least your eyes are just orange and you didn't gain an appendage."

"I seriously don't remember this wing."

"You're unobservant? Sora remembered. Asked me what happened to it after the Hercules Cup."

Riku frowned.

"You remember Sora?"

There was silence for a few seconds.

"Nope. Not his face. I know his name because you told me. But I know it was the Keyblade master kid and he was your friend. You were back at the hotel hiding from him."

"Did you remember that before?"

"Nope."

"What do you think that means?"

"No idea."

Riku sighed. He brushed his hands off on his pants and held out a hand.

"Can you help me stand? I want to get this training started."

Cloud's hand grasped his and Riku was hoisted to his feet.

"Your first task is to retrieve your Keyblade from upstairs on your own. I'll clean up awhile."

"Thanks."

Riku forced himself not to grope outward as he moved toward the stairs, or at least in the direction he thought the stairs might be.

"Cloud, please tell me I'm going in the right direction."

"Do you think you are?"

"No, but I sense the Keyblade in this direction."

"Don't worry. You're going the right way."

"This is going to be interesting."

"This is going to be amusing."

"Don't laugh at me. This is a sensitive subject and you're acting like an asshole."

"Oh, am I? Maybe I should just leave then."

"No. I . . . you suck."

"Stop being embarrassed. This is why we're training in the first place. I don't expect this to be easy for you."

Riku nodded. He rammed his toe into something hard, stumbled, and hissed.

"I just ran into the stairs, didn't I?"

Cloud snorted.

"Yeah, you did."

Riku sighed, shook his head, and put one hand on the railing. He stepped up.

"Hey, Cloud?"

"Hn?"

"You really had a wing?"

"Yes, I really did."

"That's weird."

"Get your Keyblade."

"I'm going."

Riku followed the stairs, searching for the ground with his feet. The sound of Cloud's chuckles drifted up after him. Riku shook his head and smiled as he reached the top of the staircase. He walked into the room, stumbled around for a few seconds, and grabbed the Keyblade.

Hello again. Long time, no chapters. So here's two for you and please continue to 48. Thanks bunches (of bananas).