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Natara Williams
For the first time since I've been rescued, I step out of my apartment building and onto the streets. It's drizzling, but I hardly care. I actually enjoy it, for a reason I can't really explain.
It's been two days since Mal found me in that little storm shelter in Brisbane, but I haven't talked to him since. I haven't been to work, since I was given a few days off to get myself together, and Mal keeps trying to contact me. He calls, but I don't call him back. I turn off the lights if he knocks at my door, then wait until he leaves. I don't know why I'm avoiding him, but it's not like it's just him. I haven't been in contact with anyone. So far I've gotten calls from Kai, who's message I quickly deleted, Maria and Oscar. But, just like Mal's calls, I ignore them. I don't really have an explanation. The closest thing I have to one is that what I've been though, being somewhere so dark and quiet, changes a person. No one would understand if I told them, no one really can unless they've been there. And that's the reason why I'm going to see Melanie.
She called me, yesterday. Said she needed to talk to me. Saying that I'm glad she's alive, that I'm hearing from her, would be a lie. It sounds cruel to say it like that, but the fact is at this point I feel like I can never be glad again.
Luckily, the hospital Melanie's being treated at isn't too far of a walk. She was transferred to this one yesterday I think, since she still wanted to help with the case but needed to stay for a while for observation. It does't take me long to get there, and before I know it I'm walking up the stone steps and asking the woman at the front desk which room she's in.
I don't know what I was expecting, maybe a tired and defeated version of the woman I had seen less than a week earlier, but certainly not what I walk in on. She's lying on a bed, slightly propped up. Nathan sits next to her, and he says something quietly. She smiles; laughs. Certainly not anything I've been doing for the past two days.
"Hey" she says warmly as I enter. She smiles at me, and I manage to give her a weak one back. "Just wanted to see how you were doing…considering" she says.
"If we should be worrying about anyone, it's you" I say quietly. My voice cracks slightly from underuse.
"I'm fine, I'm really lucky actually. I wasn't awake for most of the time…but there shouldn't be any permanent damage".
"That's good" I manage to mutter. My voice is monotone; robotic even. A tone I recognize from all my years with the FBI; a voice that means my brain is still in survival mode, and has switched off everything but the essentials. This is how it's been for the past two days, I might as well still be in that little box of darkness and silence.
"I just waned to let you know that Laura's okay" Melanie continues. "She's been placed with her grandparents; they're good people. They'll take good care of her".
I nod. This should make me feel better, but it doesn't. Because I know the truth; the information that she's hiding. That the other missing guy, Dane, is dead. That his body was found in the woods yesterday. That we were only a few hours too late to save him; and that he died in agony.
"I also wanted to say that I'm sorry" Melanie continues.
"For what?".
"Dragging you and your partner into this. Making you go through…what you did" she looks away from me. What am I supposed to say? That it's okay that I nearly lost my mind? I could lie, but I can't seem to form the words to do that.
"Look–" I hear a deep voice say. I look up, it's Nathan. It's not surprising that I don't know his voice at all, considering I could probably count the number of times I've heard him speak on one hand. "–You probably think that no one get you, that no one really know's what you've been though, but you go find that partner of yours. He's been through hell and back looking for you. Just go find him, you'll see". I don't move for a second, and Nathan adds "Well? What are you waiting for?".
Without even giving either of them a second glance I turn on heel and leave, and behind me I can heard Melanie jokingly reprimand Nathan. By the time I make my way outside the rain has stopped, but the moisture still hanging in the air like a blanket. Yes, I will do what Nathan said. But now now. I have something I need to do first. I walk back down the stone steps, pulling my cell phone out. I hit three on my speed dial, holding it to my ear and silently hoping it goes to voicemail. I'm lucky, and after a few rings it does.
"Hey, Oscar" I start "We need to talk. Meet me at the main entrance at Golden Gate park as soon as you get this. Bye".
I hang up, sticking my phone back in my pocket; still not entirely sure what I'm about to do is the right thing. Because while my brain keeps telling me to stop where I am, my heart is egging me on. I make my way to the park, being sure not to set foot inside. There's a small bench just outside the entrance and I sit on it, waiting for what feels like forever. Not that I would really know, my perception of time is still a little off. Really, the only way I know how much time has passed is by looking at a clock. Even though I'm getting better, hours and minutes are still practically meaningless.
The sky is beging to clear up when I see Oscar, a rather concerned look on his face. As soon as I see him I flag him down, and he comes right over.
He's smiling as he sees me, but when he sees my face his smile begins to fade. "Is something wrong?". I don't say anything for a moment, since I still haven't properly built up the nerve to do what I'm about to do.
Rather than using words, which might fail me, I pull my engagement ring off my finger. I had taken it off for safe keeping before I went with Mal and Nathan into the woods for the last time, but I wish I hadn't. It would have given me something to think about.
I take Oscars hand and place it in his open palm, curling his finger around it. "What are you doing?" he asks quietly. But I know he know what I'm doing. He doesn't need to ask.
"I'm sorry" I say "I-I just can't do this".
"Did something happen?" he asks, his voice full of concern. It breaks my heart a little to hear him using this tone, but I know this is for the best. When I don't answer, he asks again. "Natara, did something happen?".
Yes, of course something happened. Something I can't explain to him. But what am I supposed to say? When I was alone, scared and in the dark; you weren't there? That while I didn't see him, I saw Mal? I can't say that, that isn't his fault. But I do think my mind was trying to tell me something. Something that I can't figure out by myself.
"I've just had a lot of time to think" I say quietly. There's a long pause. Nearby I can hear a little girl call for her mother; causing a shiver to run up my spine.
"I thought this is what you wanted".
"It is" I respond. In the corner of my eye, I watch the same little girl run into her mothers arms as she finds her. "I just don't know…if this is what I really need". I feel horrible. I know Oscar loves me, and it's all my fault that I can't love him back. Me and my stupid choices. "I'm sorry" is all I can say "I'm so sorry. I just think…".
I find that I can't finish that sentence. But I think Oscar gets it. "Then I guess this is goodbye".
I nod. He says something, I don't even know what, before he leaves. It's like the sounds around me have been muffled, words losing their meaning. It starts to rain again, and I make my way home.
I don't notify anyone of my return, but the next day I still find myself heading down to the station on my own. I leave early so I can walk, although it's storming so hard that I end up clutching an umbrella for dear life. By the time I get there my trainers are soaked, squeaking on the tile as I walk. Unfortunately this attracts people's attention, and Mal looks up and sees me before I even make it to his desk.
"'Morning" I say, possibly a little coldly.
He looks like he's about to say something, but suddenly a near deafening clap of thunder fills the room. A second later the lights flicker, then go out. The whole room falls silent, as if sound has been shut off also.
My breath catches in the throat, and by the time I finally remember how to breathe it comes out in short and uneven breaths. I can feel my whole body tremble, my mouth open on horror. Of course I know the lights will come back on in a moment, since the station has a backup generator, but I don't care. It's dark, I can barely see in front of me. No one speaks, and while most people would see this as peaceful, the silence terrifies me. Somehow the darkness suddenly becomes even more complete, and I can't even make out shadows anymore. Someone grabs my arm, just above the elbow, and shakes me gently. I don't know who it is, I can't see, but I don't care. I need to get out of here, I need to…
"Natara!".
I open my eyes. The power's already back on, sound already returning. I must have closed my eyes in fear, because I missed seeing the room around me return to normal. I try and calm myself down, breathing deeply for a second. Mal's hand is still wrapped tightly around my arm, and when I look over at him he speaks in a tone that's almost too serious for him.
"You're safe now. It's over".
I don't say anything back. All I can think is that, just like when my mind brought him to me in the darkness, I believe him. That as long as he's around, he'll never let me give up. And right now, that's what I really need.
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