Title: 100 Steps To Somewhere
Fandom: Kingdom Hearts
Claim: Cloud/Riku
Theme: 066. Loyalty
Word Count: 3,432
Rating: M
Summary: If Cloud hasn't done anything wrong, then why does he feel so guilty?
Disclaimer: I have no affiliation with Kingdom Hearts whatsoever other than I am a super obsessive fangirl. It all belongs to Disney and Square Enix. I've accepted this, and you should, too.
Author's Note: Blame the prompt.
Step Sixty-Six: A Matter of Betrayal
Zack was sitting at the bar staring into his glass of amber-colored liquid when Cloud descended the staircase. His considerable good mood from the call with Riku faded a little. Sure, Riku had taken the news about Zack's return better than expected, but now there was Zack to deal with. Cloud stilled in the doorway for several seconds before moving forward. At the sound of his approach, Zack pulled his eyes away to glance at Cloud before returning his stare to his drink. He lifted the glass, took a swig, and set it back on the counter.
"How'd it go?" said Zack.
His tone was even as if careful not to reveal too much emotion, but that kind of tone was so unlike Zack that it spoke volumes. Cloud's mood dropped a few more levels.
"Well . . ."
Cloud watched Zack continue to stare morosely into his drink, the corners of his lips turned down, eyes drooping. He wasn't drunk, but he was certainly upset and for the first time, Cloud really wished he had never learned to read Zack so well. Once upon a time he had thought this a necessity, but now it was heartbreaking. Cloud swallowed, cleared his throat, and took a seat on the stool next to Zack at the bar.
"He's really stressed out about the stuff he's working on with Sora, but I think that'll get better soon. I told him about you."
"And . . .?"
Cloud shrugged.
"He took it better than expected. I mean, he freaked out at first, but then . . . yeah."
Zack's frown deepened.
"You don't have to be so vague about everything. I'm not going to try and off myself or anything. Lifestream would probably just kick me back out, anyway."
This was Cloud's turn to frown, and as he did, he turned his eyes toward Zack again.
"I don't know how to do this yet. It's really awkward."
"I know, but . . . We have to push through it. I don't want you to purposefully be vague or play anything down just because of me. If you do that, then I'm just going to be more uncomfortable. We were friends first. If we're going to be friends again, we're going to have to act like it."
"I know, but somewhere along the way . . ." Cloud sighed. "I know we were friends first, but there came a point where our friendship became secondary to our relationship. I don't know how to make a transition back to friends. I honestly never thought I'd have to."
"That doesn't mean you need to tip-toe around me or treat me like a jilted ex-lover."
Cloud's frown deepened. He stared hard at the counter.
"Zack, you kind of are a jilted ex-lover."
Zack smiled. It wasn't a pleasant smile, but rather an awkward twist of features that held hurt and tragic amusement at the almost cruel and unforgiving joke he found in Cloud's statement.
"I can only be jilted if you had done something wrong."
"It feels like I have."
"There's nothing wrong with moving on."
"If you'd have just come back a year ago . . ."
"A year's a long time, Cloud."
"I know, but . . ."
"But then you wouldn't know Riku, and if you're choosing to stay with him . . ." Zack sighed. "If it's not even a choice because you've really moved on, then it's probably a good thing I didn't come back a year sooner." Zack paused and then finished off his drink. He stood and moved behind the bar to fix another. "It's really been a year, huh?"
Cloud shrugged.
"Minus two weeks."
Zack elicited a laugh to match his smile.
"You must really love him."
Cloud nodded. He twisted his fingers together and stared at his hands.
"I do."
"You need a drink, because I almost need a drink for you?"
When Cloud laughed, it was nothing like Zack's empty, hollow one, and the smile it brought to Zack's face actually brightened.
"Yeah. I could definitely use a drink."
"It's good to see you really happy, you know? I don't think I've seen you as happy as you were when he called since before the Heartless."
"I was happy with you."
"You're happier with him."
Cloud's emotions were in a thousand different places as Zack said this and moved to grab another clean glass from behind the bar. He sifted through several bottles of alcohol, picking them up and examining them before shaking his head and replacing the bottle where he found it. Cloud had thought he was happier, told everyone that Riku was bigger than Zack—Riku included, but hearing Zack say it made it sound bad and hurtful. In a way, Cloud felt shamed to feel happier with Riku, as if he were betraying Zack though they were no longer together, and though he'd felt a twinge of this guilt before, when Zack was still dead it was so much easier to swallow. The worst part, perhaps, was that Cloud had noticed, and he was actually trying to hide it.
"I mean, don't get me wrong," said Zack, finally nodding at the approval of one deep-red colored alcohol. "I really don't like hearing about Riku. I really don't like that you're happier with him, but it is good to see you happy. It just . . ."
"Hurts."
Zack nodded and passed Cloud the drink. He grabbed his own and rounded the bar to return his previously vacated seat.
"It's like . . . I don't want to know because I'm jealous. It was like . . . No matter how hard I tried I could never make you happy. I couldn't make you feel good about yourself, and no matter how much I liked you, I couldn't get you to see it."
"I knew you liked me."
"I know. That's not what I'm saying. I couldn't get you to see what was so great about you."
Cloud laughed.
"Riku doesn't get me to see anything great about myself, either, Zack. I still don't get it. He just . . ."
"Doesn't make you feel bad about yourself."
"You didn't make me feel bad about myself. I did that on my own."
"That's . . . I was there, you know? When you let the darkness into your heart, I was there. You wanted to be better. You always wanted to be better than what you already were because for some reason, I could never convince you that what you already were was more than good enough."
"I wanted to be like you."
"But you aren't, and I liked that about you. I didn't want to date myself. I liked you, but you always wanted more, and I couldn't help you. I couldn't stop it. I just kept hoping that once I got you out of Shinra mansion and back to Midgar, I could help then. That maybe after everything I could help you overcome what had happened, and then . . . I don't know. Apparently I died."
Cloud swallowed.
"I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize. It's not your fault."
"Yeah, it kind of is. Do you even listen to yourself? I let the darkness in. You couldn't stop me. I always wanted more."
"No one is at fault here. That's just how you are, and honestly there's nothing wrong with wanting more. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be better. People go to school to get smarter, and people train harder to develop their skills. There's nothing wrong with self-improvement.
"I . . . I think what really happened was that I was just naturally better at the physical stuff than you. It's not that you couldn't do it, Cloud. You could've made SOLDIER without the darkness; you just had to work harder at it than I did."
Cloud shook his head.
"No, I . . . You worked hard, too. Everyone there worked hard. I just didn't have it."
"Exactly. Everyone worked hard, but you worked harder than anyone else because you didn't naturally have it, but you wanted it so badly. That's one of the things I love most about you. You set your mind on a goal, and you'll just keep working at it until you get it. You can have practically no natural talent, but you work so damn hard that it doesn't matter. I . . . I didn't have to work at anything half as hard as you did, and I think that's where I made you feel bad. It frustrated you that you worked so damn hard when I didn't have to and I just coasted on by. And maybe . . . I don't know. I just think that maybe if we hadn't been dating, it would have been less frustrating for you, because in a way I think you felt I was leaving you behind as well."
Cloud sighed.
"I really didn't think like that."
"Maybe not, but I'm sure you felt it. So don't apologize, okay? Maybe it was just bad timing, or all the wrong circumstances. Maybe if things had happened differently I wouldn't have died, you wouldn't have let the darkness in, and we could've worked out. We weren't bad together. At least I don't think we were. Things just got really messed up. Let it be known that love doesn't conquer all."
Cloud closed his eyes and inhaled. He took a swig from his glass. He blew out a breath.
"I'm sorry things happened this way, Zack. I really did love you."
Zack bit his lip and nodded.
"I know."
"I never begrudged you for what you achieved. Not even when I let the darkness in. I just . . ."
Zack offered a soft smile and finished off his second drink. As he moved back around to the other side of the bar for the second time, he gently placed a hand on Cloud's shoulder and gave a light squeeze. It lingered a few seconds longer, smoothed down the expanse of his right arm, and then he retracted his hand with reluctance.
"I really need another drink," said Zack.
Cloud tried to smile, but though his skin was covered the place where Zack's hand had just been burned. His stomach felt queasy as if he'd just allowed something very wrong to happen, whether it was the touch that was a little too affection, lasted a little too long, or the turn of conversation, though, Cloud couldn't be sure. He took the last swig from his glass and pushed it toward Zack.
"Me too. How many is that now?"
"Had two before you got down here, so this is number five."
"You feeling it yet?"
"Oh, yeah, and I appreciate that. I'm kind of a lightweight, now, being that I didn't have a drink for years on end. Death'll do that to you, apparently. Hey, did you ever notice how the Mako makes your senses hyper-sensitive when you're drunk?"
Cloud rubbed his arm.
"Yeah. It's weird. I get a little alcohol in me and I'm suddenly aware of everything around me. Kind of makes me a crazy bastard, too, but I don't know if that entirely has to do with the Mako."
"Probably not."
Zack passed the now-full glass back to Cloud and walked back to his seat.
"You have great balance for a half-drunk person."
"I'm not half-drunk. I'm properly buzzed. After this, though, I probably will be half-drunk. Or maybe three-quarters drunk. Maybe I'm already drunk. I don't know. I don't have to puke, yet."
"That's not drunk, Zack, that's alcohol poisoning."
"Touché. There you go. That's another thing I love about you. You know things like that. It's not very useful, but it's still nice to know. You know so much useless shit."
Cloud snickered.
"Yeah, you're drunk."
"I'm really not. I'm properly buzzed."
"Nice way of saying drunk."
"You think?"
"Maybe not yet, but after that one? Definitely."
"See? You know. Okay, Spiky. If you say I'm almost drunk, then I'll believe you. Also a useless piece of information, but good to know."
"Says the drunk person."
"Oh! And you're funny! That's another thing I love about you. You're so funny . . . I mean, you're kind of funny in a mean way, but it's still funny, and that's my point here." Cloud snorted and shook his head. Zack stared into his drink again, and then looked up. "Maybe I have great balance because of the Mako."
"Maybe. You still thinking about that?"
"A little. Distracts me from thinking about all the things I love about you, because if I do that I'm just going to get depressed. I don't want to get depressed. Being a depressed drunk sucks, so if I think about stupid things I'll start slurring, and maybe then I'll stumble around, and I can be a stupid, funny drunk."
Cloud sighed.
"I'm sorry. I don't . . . I don't want to make you depressed."
Zack took another long swig.
"That's because you're a nice person and not an asshole. You never want to hurt anyone. It kind of fucks you over in the process, but, you know . . . Just another thing I love about you. You care, which is really fucking rare these days."
Zack exhaled, releasing a sound that sounded like a rough cross between a laugh and a cry. He buried his face in his hands. Cloud shifted on the stool and tried to think of something happy, anything that had nothing to do with the situation at hand. He found himself wishing he were sitting anywhere but here at this moment when Zack pulled his hands back and smoothed them over his hair. Zack gripped the back of his neck.
"I don't know how to let you go."
Cloud looked up. He tried to think of something to say to that, but no words came. Zack, however, was not a loss for them, because before Cloud could come up with a response, Zack was back at it.
"I keep trying to figure it out—a way that isn't this painful. I don't want to hear about your new boyfriend, but I don't want to be in the dark about it, either. I want to see you, but every time I do I want to kiss you, and I know I can't. I'm trying so hard not to touch you because I know if I start, I'm not going to be able to stop.
"I didn't even do anything wrong. I was trying to help you—us—and in the process, I died. I'm happy that I didn't stay dead, but what am I supposed to do now? Last time I checked I had a boyfriend, and it feels like . . . I know what happened and I understand. I don't blame you. I'm happy that you're happy and I want you to have what you want. I'm glad you were able to move on, but . . . It feels like one night I went to bed, and when I woke up you were a thousand miles away with some other guy and completely over us. I hate that he makes you happier than I did because I tried so hard. I really thought we were great together, and I hoped that when we saw each other again that you'd . . . I don't know . . . Not want to be with the new guy anymore.
"I see you now and you're so much like you used to be but you've changed so much, and for the better. You have such a different mentality than you used to. You're really reaching for the light. With Sephiroth. The way you handled things today in Healen. The old Cloud would've been so nervous talking to Rufus Shinra no matter what had happened, but you had so much confidence. It was . . . to tell you the truth, it was kind of sexy seeing you that way. You were never very assertive, and this newfound confidence works so well on you. The unfortunate thing is I feel like your new boyfriend is the reason for it. You finally found something that you were just naturally good at, which I guess is taking care of him. Shouldn't be a surprise considering you're such a fucking nice guy. Tifa keeps saying that you're better for him than he is for you, but I doubt it because I think being good for him is part of what makes him good for you. Makes you feel worthwhile because you're able to take care of things instead of having them taken care of for you. Like you aren't fucking up, and I'm so happy you feel like that, I just wish I could've been the person who did that for you.
"I don't know. Maybe we couldn't ever work out because I wanted to take care of you. Maybe you need to be in that dominant position. I just feel like I'm being pulled in two different directions and I'm about to reach the breaking point. I don't know what to do about it, and I hate that I'm talking to you of all people about this because I promised myself I wouldn't do this. I promised myself I wouldn't put this on you, especially when I'm drunk because I don't want to do that to you, you know?"
Cloud raked his fingers through his hair as Zack's voice broke off. He sighed.
"Zack, I . . ."
"No. Don't . . . Don't say anything. Just . . . Just pretend this didn't happen, okay?"
Cloud nodded.
"Sure."
Zack finished off his drink and pushed the empty glass away.
"Do you think we would've had a chance? If I hadn't died? Or . . . would you have been . . ."
"I don't know, Zack."
"Doesn't really matter, does it? This is how it did happen, right?"
Cloud sighed. He tried to ignore the throbbing in his chest and nodded.
"Yeah. Nothing we can do about that now."
Zack sighed. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and then Cloud saw Zack watching him from the corner of his eye. Several seconds passed and then Zack brushed a finger across Cloud's cheek, and dipped it behind the curve of Cloud's ear. Cloud bit his lip and looked away. There were boundaries with Zack now—lines that ought not to have been crossed, and this felt like it might have been one of them, but how was he supposed to decide? Would Riku be upset by this interaction—Zack touching Cloud's face with such affection? Cloud figured he probably would, but how could he stop it without offending Zack? Maybe he should excuse himself to the bathroom or something. Just as Cloud tried to find words and opened his mouth to speak them, however, Zack spoke.
"Cloud . . .?"
He really shouldn't have done it—should have realized where Zack's drunken confessions and the touches were leading to, but the question in his voice prompted Cloud's head to turn—to look at the person speaking to him. When he did, though, it was only a matter of seconds, and then Zack's lips were on his, hard and insistent.
It took several moments of Cloud's unmoving lips under Zack's until either one realized what had just happened. Zack pulled back; Cloud sat there, stunned. Their eyes met.
"I'm sorry," said Zack. "I didn't mean . . ."
"I can't do this," said Cloud. "Riku . . . I just talked to him. I just assured him that everything was going to be okay."
"I know. I didn't . . ."
"I don't . . ."
"I know. I just . . . It could've worked, right? We could've . . ."
"We're over, Zack. I can't go back. I . . . I need to be by myself right now."
"I'm sorry."
"I'm taking Fenrir. Don't wait up for me."
"Cloud . . ."
"I'll be all right. We're . . . We're friends. I just . . . I need some time to be by myself and unwind before I go to bed and I can't do that here with you."
"But you've been drinking."
"Apparently I now handle my alcohol better than you."
"Are you mad?"
Cloud closed his eyes and stood, heading for the garage.
"I don't know what I am right now."
With that, he was gone.
Hee. Nothing to fear. I'm almost certain this matter can be resolved in the 34 (yes, there are still 34, which could be a sizable story itself) chapters to go. Don't kill me.
If anyone's still got any song ideas, please don't hesitate to contact me. The FST is coming along surprisingly well, but I love getting input.
Also, once again, I know there are CloudxRiku writers other than me and Jediempress (and readers, too!) and have yet to figure out when you will come join the LiveJournal community. ::beams:: It's totally free, easy to use, and I've issued a Christmas/Holiday challenge. I like fluffy (or angsty) holiday stories. You know I'll be writing one (I've got the title in mind already and everything). And the community is going to have an accompanying website archiving all CloudxRiku fanart and stories once I get around to it, so join! It'll be super fun! That'll probably be where I post the FST anyway. The link is my homepage on my author profile now so it's easier to find.
In commemoration of the one-year anniversary (plus a day ::shame::) I've included a little story here as a post-script written by my very best friend. She was on a sugar high and found it very funny, and I've been saving this little gem of purposefully craptastic writing for this occasion, so please enjoy.
BONUS BAD STORY (yes, it's meant to be bad):
Once upon a time there was a pretty boy named Riku. He liked to party, yo. Then one day he met Cloudy. Cloudy was sexy. However, Cloudie wasn't much of a partier. Riku was sad. He wanted to dance all night long with Cloudie. Cloudie wanted to drink his sorrows away and just fuck that pretty party boy.
Riku was offended. Damnit he was far more than just a pretty party boy. He was a man, or a boy or a faggot, therefore a woman. And he had needs and wants. Like to dance.
Riku danced over to that sexy Cloudie and grabbed him by the front of his shirt. Cloudie was forced to his feet. Riku pushed himself onto Cloudie and started to move his hips to the thundering beat. Cloudie was unable to resist the temptation to dance.
And so they danced. They swayed. They bopped. They even did that chicken. Yo. Riku was full filled and Cloudie was horny and drunk. Riku put out.
They were both happy ever after.
Oh yeah, that Sephiroth guy was watching the whole time. .
Ha ha ha.
Poor Cloudie.
Riku knew though. He thought it was kinky.
Love to everyone who's been with me the past year and those who've joined along the way.
This is possibly my longest relationship to a story ever. It's been a pleasure and I do hope this doesn't continue for another year.
Thank you to everyone.
-D