A/N: As always, thanks to my beta, idealskeptic :) A good song for this chapter is "Closing In" by Imogen Heap. Also, this chapter was really hard to write! I think I've rewritten it about six times now. The details of it have been impossible. I actually have two entirely separate versions of this chapter. Largely because of Meredith and her broken leg. I didn't know what to do with that. But then when I finished writing I had to split this chapter up into two chapters! I hope you like it! And please review!

Chapter Four: Past Tense

The helicopter landed on the roof of a hospital some time later. I wasn't sure about how much time had passed or where specifically we were. I hadn't moved an inch the entire flight and I was pretty sure the paramedics were afraid of me. Or for me. Either one. Or maybe both. I'd tried saying something a few times, but the only thing that came out was a random assortment of noises.

Mark hadn't woken up, hadn't made a sound the entire trip back. The paramedics tried to reassure me that that was perfectly normal, perfectly fine but I knew that already. Like I didn't know that already. I wanted to say as much, but I only got as far as pointing at my scrubs and mumbling. They stopped trying to talk to me after that.

The paramedics started talking to each other, something about getting us out. I just sat there, not moving, not making a sound. One of them gently touched my arm and said, "Ma'am? You're going to have to move now. We have to move him." I just shook my head. I wasn't going anywhere.

"Ma'am? Please move," said the paramedic. I shook my head again. I didn't want to move. The paramedic shrugged his shoulders and grabbed me under my arms. He pulled me up onto the seat next to him and held me there. The other one started moving the stretcher out. There were doctors standing on the roof, waiting, but I didn't recognize them. I fought against the man that was holding me back, but I couldn't get free and he wouldn't let go. I had to sit there and watch as they took Mark inside. "I'm going to let you go now, okay?" the man said. I nodded. The second his hands released my arms I jumped up and got out of the helicopter. I could see now that we were in Seattle, but I had no idea which hospital we were at. I stumbled forward a bit and wrapped my arms around myself. It was dark out now and the cold breeze in the air plus the wind being whipped up by the helicopter's still spinning blades was making me cold.

A few seconds later the other paramedic returned with someone else. This time it was a face I recognized. Jackson.

The man patted Jackson on the shoulder and nodded over at me. Jackson nodded and the man came running towards the helicopter. He ran right past me and got back in the helicopter. The helicopter's door slammed shut and the helicopter took off, leaving me alone on the roof with Jackson.

He ran over to me and crushed me in a hug. I wanted to do something, knew I was supposed to do something but I just stood there, wobbling like a rag doll. "I'm glad you're okay," he said. He took a step back and looked me over. Once I passed his inspection, he held out his hand and without a word, I took it. He led me inside and we walked down a few floors to a dark and empty on-call room. It registered somewhere in my mind that this was my hospital and I'd been in this on-call room before. He dropped my hand and went to sit on the bottom bunk of the bed. I followed. I sat down sideways on the bed and folded my legs up under me. Jackson turned to face me but he held his head down.

Then he looked over at me and for a moment, I thought maybe he was going to start to cry. "So," he said in a low voice, "Meredith called just before you got here. Said they'd be here soon. They're all okay. I was here already, so..."

I gulped and licked my lips. They were dry and cracked, but I hadn't noticed until now. I wanted to say something, but I wasn't sure I could remember how to speak. It took a minute but finally I said, "Did you see him?" My voice sounded funny, like it wasn't my voice at all. It was soft and flat and it cracked halfway through what I said.

Jackson nodded slowly. He didn't say anything, but he reached for my hand. He squeezed it and I shuddered. Instantly, he dropped my hand and put both of his in his lap.

"You..." he started but stopped. "No, of course you're not okay. That's a stupid question to ask."

I just shrugged. I didn't know how to explain to him that what set me off was him squeezing my hand. My hand still hurt from earlier, but mostly it was just... Mark. It was weird now, someone else squeezing my hand.

I leaned back a little and let out a long sigh. It was weird. Sitting here with my ex-boyfriend and worrying about someone else.

"Do you... do you want to talk about it?" Jackson asked tentatively. He moved a little bit closer to me and I flopped backwards on the bed. I hung my head over the edge of the bed, letting all the blood flow to my brain. I wondered if maybe that'd make my brain actually function because right now, it wasn't working right at all.

After about a full minute of complete silence I said, "He said he loves me."

So quietly I could barely hear him, Jackson said, "I know." He cleared his throat and attempted to speak a bit louder. "I don't mean I know he said it, but I know he felt it. I saw him. And you."

I wiggled back up onto the bed so only my hair was hanging over the edge. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

I didn't move, but I looked over at him. "I should have warned you."

He shrugged and stared at a spot on the wall. "I should have known better. I knew he was in love with you the whole time. He sent me to talk to you, you know. Told me you'd open up if I gave you candy."

I couldn't help but smile. "Of course he did." And then I started to cry. Again.

"Oh, uh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought that up, huh?" He looked down at me and it only made me feel worse. Jackson was such a genuinely good guy. We were broken up, I was crying over someone else and here he was anyway, comforting me.

"No, no, I just..." I looked away. "I just... I don't... I can't..." I let out a sob. "I should have... I..."

Jackson reached down and brushed my hair out of my face. "This shouldn't have happened. But there was nothing you could do."

Those words created a burning wave of panic that flashed through me. I sat up and had to fight to keep from losing whatever was actually in my stomach at this point. "Wait, wait, please, you don't mean..."

"No, no, that's not..." Jackson put a hand on my shoulder. "I don't know what's going on, but he's..." he paused, clearly having trouble with the words, "still alive, as far as I know."

I took a few shaky breaths and nodded. I shifted in the bed so I could lean my head back against the wall.

Neither of us said anything else until about ten minutes later when his phone started beeping. He took it out of his pocket, looked at it for a moment and said, "The others are here. They're just putting Meredith in a room." A second later he got another text, I assume telling him the room number. "Room 1272. Do you want to go?"

I nodded. We got up off the bed and walked down a few more floors to the room Meredith was in.

We found Cristina and Arizona sitting out in the hall. Derek was in the room across the hall with Meredith. He held her hand while a resident started fixing her leg. The resident looked bored by having to do it and I wanted to walk in there and slap him and tell him he had better pay close attention to what he was doing. I didn't recognize him and maybe that's why he was doing it. Because he didn't know any of us personally.

I sat down next to Cristina and Arizona and Jackson sat down on my other side. His hand brushed my forearm and I shivered. It made me uncomfortable, but I didn't say anything. He hadn't done it on purpose.

A few seconds later, Owen came running in. He looked like he'd been here all day. I was about to ask Jackson if he was, but Jackson just nodded, answering my question before I asked it.

Owen looked over at Cristina and after a moment he started gasping, like he couldn't breathe. He just stood there, staring at her and nobody said anything. Cristina got up and walked over to him slowly. She put both her hands on his shoulders and looked him right in the eyes. "I'm fine and I'm not going anywhere. I promise," she spoke slowly and calmly. He just stared at her and kept gasping like he couldn't breathe. I wondered how he managed to remain standing, huffing like that. "I promise," she said again. She kept staring at him with this resolutely calm expression on her face and after a few seconds, he started to calm down. She led him over to the row of chairs where everyone else was sitting and pushed him down so he was sitting. She sat on his lap facing him and kept staring at him like she had been. She leaned forward so her forehead was touching his and he let out a long, shuddering breath. He wrapped his arms around her waist and she wrapped hers around his neck. They stayed that way for a few moments before she dropped her arms and flipped around in the chair. She leaned back into him and tried not to smile. He kept his arms firmly around her waist and buried his face in her hair. She looked over at Meredith, who by this point was getting the cast put on her leg and nodded at her. Meredith nodded back.

I sucked in a breath of air. Everyone was having these moments. Everyone else was together. Except me. I was completely alone because the man I loved was in an operating room and for all I knew, he could have been dead by now. Nobody had told me anything one way or the other. I sucked in another breath of air and for a few seconds I didn't exhale. What was I going to do if he wasn't okay? I'd tried to move on. More than once. And I hadn't been able to. Something always drew me back to him, I couldn't explain what it was. Trying to learn to be without him was like trying to learn to breathe underwater. It wasn't something I was capable of doing. But before at least he'd always been there. We hadn't been together, not for a long time, but he'd always been there. Alive. Breathing. It was probably cliche, but I couldn't list the things I'd give up just to see him be alright. Beside me I could feel Jackson staring. I knew he was concerned, as a friend, but I didn't know what to say to him. Or to anyone.

That was when Alex, followed by April showed up. Alex looked confused, like he didn't really know what he was doing there but then he saw Arizona. The two glanced at each other but didn't say anything. I thought back to what she'd said about wanting to beat him up for having made her take his place on the plane and with the look on her face I wasn't sure she wasn't going to. When she didn't move, didn't get up, didn't say anything, Alex's face fell and he looked almost sad. No, it was more of a guilty look. That was it. He felt guilty. I would have bet a hundred bucks no way he was going to Hopkins now. Quietly, he took a seat as far away from Arizona as he could and looked at anything but her. She cracked her knuckles and glared at him but said nothing.

April immediately sat down on the other side of Jackson and, without a word, took his hand in hers. She started running her thumb over the back of his hand and he smiled. At her. If it was weird talking to my ex-boyfriend and missing someone else, this was weirder. In the back of my mind I wondered when they'd become a thing. I'd never really talked to April much, but she was his best friend and she'd always seemed like a nice person. A little high strung, maybe, but nice. I looked behind them over at Alex, who was sitting a seat down from April. He saw me, looked at them and shrugged. I guessed he didn't know either.

Shortly after that, Callie showed up with Sofia on her hip. She strode right over to where Arizona was sitting and started checking her over for injuries and demanding she get checked out immediately. Arizona nodded vehemently and reassured her that she would get checked out but also that she was fine. Callie hefted Sofia up so she was on her side, got down on her knees and kissed Arizona. When they finally broke apart Arizona smiled but then she started to cry. April got to her feet and offered to take Sofia and Callie handed her over. Callie moved in to hug Arizona but Arizona shook her head and pointed over at me. Callie looked over at me and all I wanted to do was hide. I didn't want to have to talk to Callie. Callie was Mark's best friend and I knew she felt as bad about all this as I did. I shrank back into my chair, tucking my feet up under me and wrapping my arms around my waist. Callie turned back to Arizona and shrugged like she didn't understand. That was when Arizona said, "No, you don't understand. They... She..." Arizona hid her face in Callie's shoulder and started mumbling things I couldn't hear from where I was sitting. Callie looked at me like she'd never seen me before. "Of course he was." She looked like she was about to start going on a rant but then she let out a long sigh. "I'm sorry, Lexie."

Of course, that exact moment was when Julia showed up. "What happened?"

No one said anything. So Julia asked again. "What happened?" She ran her hands through her hair. "He's not here." She looked around frantically. "I ran all over the hospital looking for you guys. And he's not here. Please tell me why he's not here." She took a step back and looked around again. "I saw on the news that this plane crashed. And then I saw that it was the plane coming from this hospital and going to Boise and he told me he was going to Boise today and then I saw on the news that the survivors had been brought back here and..." She looked over at me, like she was begging me for an answer. "Where is he?"

I couldn't say anything. I just stared at her. I hadn't thought of this part. What was I supposed to say to her? Sorry, he's in love with me and not you, but he's probably going to die anyway so don't worry about it?

Jackson cleared his throat. "As far as I know, they've got him in surgery."

"Surgery?" Julia's eyebrows knitted together in confusion. "What's he doing working right now?"

I put my hand over my eyes. "No, he means that Mark is in surgery."

"What do you mean?"

I kept my hand over my eyes. "As in being operated on right now." I moved my hand from my face and looked at her. She looked like I'd just kicked her puppy. Or, you know, told her that her boyfriend was injured enough to have to be operated on.

"What happened?" She raised her hand to her mouth and stared at me like out of everyone gathered here I was the only one with the answers.

"I don't think you actually want to know." I wanted to look anywhere else at that moment, anywhere else but I couldn't tear my eyes away from Julia's. Her eyes were wet and shining with tears and worry was carved into every inch of her face - worry that was steadily being taken over by panic.

"You mean... what you said last week... He felt the same."

Felt. She said felt. Past tense. I shuddered. It was not past tense. He was not past tense. I wanted to shout at her, but instead I said, "You mean... you heard me?"

Julia's face hardened then. "Of course I heard you. I was standing twenty feet away! Not that either of you noticed."

"But... you..." My head hurt. So, she'd heard another woman profess her love to her boyfriend and just walked up like nothing had happened?

"Yeah, I know." She ran a hand through her hair and looked away. "I was hoping that maybe, since he hadn't said anything, we could just pretend it didn't happen. I didn't think he would pick-" Julia was cut off by Callie firmly placing her hand on Julia's shoulder. I hadn't noticed, but Callie was now standing behind Julia and she had a scary, menacing look in her eye.

"You know, I really don't think this is the time or the place for this sort of a conversation," Callie said forcefully.

Julia turned around and looked Callie in the eye. "You know what?" Julia straightened her shoulders and stood up a little taller. I wasn't entirely sure a fight wasn't about to break out. "You're right," Julia said. She sounded so completely heartbroken as she spoke that I couldn't help but feel bad for her. After all, it wasn't her fault. It's not like she'd known. Or, if she had figured it out before last week, well, what was she supposed to do, really? It was a bad situation all over and I did not want to think about what I would have done had he told me that he loved her and not me. And she wasn't even getting to hear it from him.

She looked over her shoulder at me for a moment, sizing me up. "I hope he's okay," she said. "If he asks about me, tell him... tell him I wanted to dump him anyway." And with that, she left. She walked out with her head held high and nobody said anything to stop her.

I couldn't help but smile at Callie. I'd always thought she didn't like me much. "Don't get me wrong, Little Grey," Callie said. "I'm not on your side. I'm on Mark's side. But if he loves you, then fine." I rolled my eyes. She was so on my side.

A/N: I know not a lot actually happened in this chapter, but I wanted to give all the other characters some things to do. And I want to give Lexie more to do. Something I noticed writing this is that aside from Meredith and Derek, Lexie doesn't really have a lot of friends anymore. She mostly just has boyfriends, or ex-boyfriends. I want to do more with her character. But don't worry, there will be more Mark and Lexie soon! :)

And now, the teaser for the next chapter!

And that was when I finally lost it. I'd barely been holding it together to that point, but for whatever reason that exact second was my breaking point. All the walls came crashing down and I lost it. I started to cry, softly at first with big, fat tears running down my face but soon I started to sob and shake like I'd lost all control of my body. The only thing I had any control over was not screaming. I pursed my lips together to keep the sound from getting out. Some part of me knew that this was a hospital and I should at least try not to make that much noise. There were people trying to sleep. People trying to rest. I should try not to scream. I had to settle for muttering curses instead.

"Cry all you want, but I'm still not going anywhere," he said, trying to make a joke. He tried to smile, but it came out all wrong. Too many sharp angles. "But I have to warn you, I'm really no good with crying women." That just made me cry more.

"Come on," he said gruffly. He grabbed me by the arm and dragged me away. I didn't pay much attention to where until we got there. He'd dragged me down to the beds in the hall in the basement. I crawled up onto one of the beds and curled myself up into a ball. I made a point of taking up as little space as I possibly could, like maybe if I took up almost no space at all I would cease to exist and I wouldn't have to feel like this anymore. Alex got on the bed and sat behind me. He pushed my hair out of my face and started gently rubbing my back.

He didn't lie to me, didn't try to tell me it would all be alright, he didn't say anything. He just sat there and rubbed my back as I cried.