DISCLAIMER: STILL NOT MINE.
It's a bit longer, because it's a definite end. So thank you all for taking the tour :)
"What the hell, Stark? What happened?"
"My workshop... ruined... I need a drink... Or two. Possibly seven."
The workshop is ruined. No, Bruce was with us the whole time. Besides, it's a different kind of ruined. It's more messed up than smashed up, more Green-Goblined up than Hulked up.
"JARVIS, wast the hell was that? I want answers, now!"
"It was a raccoon, sir. It entered the workshop while you exited."
"And you didn't notify me, because?"
"I didn't want to interfere with you getting a life, sir."
"You... what?"
The first one to start giggling is Bruce. Then it's everyone plainly laughing their asses off. No, it's not a smile, I have a cramp in my jaw. Get lost. Stark looks as if he's about to cry. We're not exactly helping. Bruce wipes his tears and clears his throat.
"JARVIS? Is that also the reason why you didn't notify us a few days ago? You waited for the raccoon to shoo Tony out of the workshop?"
"What do you mean shoo? I'm not shooed. Consider me un-shooed. I'm staying here."
"Oh? And you're completely fine with the fact, that there's a raccoon in the tower, getting away with messing up your mecca, and awarding itself with your food, even?"
"Next arrow you shoot, Barton, explodes in your face. And... glitters you. And gives you ED. How 'bout that? I'm staying here, you catch it."
"No."
"I'm sorry, agent Romanoff, I don't think I heard you?"
"You catch it with us, Stark, or you're not leaving here for, like, ever. How long do raccoons live, anyway? It might sneak in when you open the door."
"It's a conspiracy."
"AYE, INDEED IT IS, FRIEND TONY!"
Oh, look! It's a raccoon! Damn, it's fast. And everyone just stares at Tony, while the evil ball of fluff sneaks out of the workshop. Ah, we're so cute when we're being stubborn. And Stark is so not cute when he's pouting.
"I'm gonna kill it. And then I'm gonna kill all of you. And then I'm buying all the raccoons in the world and killing them. I so can afford it."
Steve gives him his Disapproving Frown, but keeps his mouth shut. Wise decision. Tony just pushes his way upstairs without a word. So we follow. Great. I haven't been on a good mission for at least two weeks. We're hunting a raccoon, aren't you excited? Pf. So you obviously haven't seen hunting Avengers style. Just don't get in a way, you may lose a limb or two. I am so not shitting you.
We've caused more destruction in half an hour than the raccoon caused in half a week. And then some more. There are several holes in the walls, I think Mjolnir is still stuck in on of them. There was a small fire in the hall. Loki swears it wasn't him, and it wasn't, it was me, but how can I come clean, when Hulk is so eager to punish Loki for my crime? Would you? Oh well, then you're a better person than me. I don't fell bad about it at all. It's also a part of my revenge. I think Clint broke his leg. It's not like he needs it all that much, so who cares. I can carry him around just fine. What, is that weird? Yeah, I thought it wasn't. Anyway, we took some damage, the tower took damage, Stark's ego took damage. But at the end of the day we have it cornered. Steve looks sad. He probably doesn't want to see the raccoon skinned. Or Tony retreating to the workshop after all this is over. I hope the thought of sabotaging the operation to prolong it won't cross his mind. You think he wouldn't do that, but I know he would. He could always say he did it because it's wrong to abuse animals, and everyone would still love him all the same. If not more. But I know the truth. I see right through him. He's evil just like the rest of us. Trust me. Anyway, look at it, look at the evil ball of fluff! It's so cute, and ballsy, and not at all scared, just eating my shoe... Wait, what, my shoe?
"Shoot it, Clint. Shoot it now!"
"I can't, Nat. It's so cute, look at it!"
"It's chewing on my Prada, Clint. If you don't shoot it now, I will be the one to give you ED. Shoot it. Stark, tell him to shoot it!"
"Barton. Listen to me. It's not cute. Not cute at all. Look. It's a full-fledged super-villain. See? It even wears a mask! And we all know what that means. It has something to hide. Mainly, the fact, that it is, in fact, not cute at all. It's a fact. See? Facts, Barton, facts! You have to trust me on that. Super-villain. Open your eyes, and see it the way the rest of us see it. Right, guys?"
"HULK CUDDLE!"
"Okay, so see it the way the rest of us, minus Hulk, see it."
"Let's not kill it, Tony, please, it's adorable."
"I AGREE WITH THE GOOD CAPTAIN, FRIEND TONY. IT IS INDEED VERY PLEASING TO MY EYES AND I DO NOT WISH TO SEE IT SLAIN."
"I support Clint Barton. I am making my amends. Forgive me, Tony Stark. Also, I did not cause that fire."
"Okay, fine! Don't listen to them, Barton. Look. The two most important people in your life want you to shoot the raccoon. The person who gets you laid, and the person who keeps you alive. I am the one keeping you alive, for the record."
"Actually, both would be me, Stark."
"Whatever. The point is, Barton, you have to shoot the raccoon. It's eating the food mommy makes. Okay, buys. Alright, pays people to do it. That's beside the point. The point is, no pressure, but shoot it already!"
"Daddy, what do I do, mommy wants me to shoot the raccoon, but I don't want to!"
"THE GOOD ARCHER IS ADDRESSING YOU, GOOD CAPTAIN. PLEASE, PASS YOUR ANSWER."
"Oh. Me? Oh. Yeah, sorry. Um... I really don't know, Clint. I mean, I don't want it dead. But I don't want Tony unhappy. And I don't want Natasha angry. And... I really don't want to decide... I..."
"God damn it, Clint, shoot the damn animal right this instant!"
Oops. I might have accidentally scare the raccoon off. I shouldn't have slammed my fist at the table, should I? I don't want to open my eyes. I can hear Stark wailing. He's so gonna cut off my allowance. I don't want to look at Steve. Ho probably looks smug. He looks smug, doesn't he? No, he looks relieved. That's even worse. Damn it, I have to kill something. I'll start with Clint. You don't want to watch this. Shoo.
Five days have passed, and we haven't captured the raccoon. We haven't even seen it. Some Avengers. I pity us. Do you pity us? You should. Let's go see Tony, maybe he came up with something. Yes, he is in his workshop, but he's only been there for about three hours. At least the raccoon did shoo him out of his workshop. Also, there is a possibility that it's no longer here. I mean, I haven't lost another shoe so far. That would be pathetic if it just left without us doing any avenging, but not unwelcome, nonetheless. Beggars and choosers, and all that. Anyways, Tony. Tinkering, as usual. Wait, is that...
"Is that the raccoon, Stark?"
"Huh? Sorry, can't hear you over the sound of me being awesome. That, and AC/DC."
"Stark, there is a raccoon sleeping on your workbench. You haven't drunk enough coffee or something?"
"I know it's here."
"I'm not following. In fact, I don't care. Just hand over the raccoon and no one gets hurt."
"No. Bucky stays here."
"What? Wait. Waitwaitwaitwait. You want the raccoon here. And you haven't told us. And you named him. And you named him Bucky. What alternative reality is this, and how did I get here?"
"Just go away, Natasha. All the shoes you've lost should wait at your doorstep by now, so just go and enjoy them. Shoo."
"I don't understand. You wanted it dead as much as I did. Explain."
"We bonded, alright?"
"You bonded."
I blink. What more there is to do than blink? Something's not right here. The workshop is restored to its original state, so it's not ruined, just messy. Dummy is running around in circles, because someone put a t-shirt over its head. It's a nice white t-shirt. As in... not Stark's nice white t-shirt. Oh, I see. We're leaving.
"Fine, Stark. I keep the shoes. You keep the raccoon. Bond all you like. Oh, and I can see your foot, Steve."
No, it's not jaw cramp. It's a smile. A triumphant smile. Loud thunks followed by pained ow's do that to people.
Okay, that's it! The end. La fin. El final. Thank you for staying for so long!