A Proper English Tea Gathering

Chapter 3

Walter sat on the large staircase in the front room of the mansion, sighing sadly with his head resting in his hands. His monocle slipped down his nose for the fifth time and he gruffly shoved it back in front of his eye. He thought letting Alucard make a nice treat for Hellsing would be wonderful but he came to find out that, that idea was sorely mistaken.

Bangs, mechanical screeching, and loud thumps came from the direction of the kitchen along with "What does this do? -SCREEEEEECH- …oh…" Alucard must have taken everything mechanical out just to see what it would do. Oh, his beautiful pasta machine… what pain must it endure!

"Hey Walter!" came a familiar call. Seras walked over to the depressed Walter. "Hey… What's wrong?"

"Can't you hear those horrible sounds, Miss Victoria?"

"Oh… well yeah that's why I'm up." Her face fell at the very thought of waking up so early. "What is it? I can't even get a wink of sleep."

Walter heaved another sigh and shoved his monocle back up his nose. "Did you not get that note?" He held his note up for her to see.

"Oh yeah…." Her face fell again, "Walter! You let Master into your kitchen!? Is that who its been all this time!?" It finally dawned on her.

"Oh, Miss Victoria! I thought it was a wonderful thing he was doing! I didn't even think about how he has no clue how to cook."

"Walter… He might blow up that side of the house! He has no clue how to work an oven, or anything for that matter!" She grabbed his hand, almost breaking it and bolted off towards the kitchen. Maybe they weren't too late. Maybe they could salvage something from the wreckage.

oOo

"Interesting… When I put stuff in the holding chamber up here… and I press this button here…" He watched at the pasta machine struggled to create little round pieces of pasta with his mixture for the cookies. All of them were perfect and quite even in size too. It was fascinating what humans could make machines do these days. "Alright, while you do that," he said to the pasta machine, "I will start with the fruits. Master loved the fruits. Especially the strawberries." An evil grin came over his face; he's heard of the joy humans get with strawberries when they're doing other things with them besides eating them.

He couldn't help it, he just had to taste one before he cut them to pieces. The little strawberry's green top was pinched between his fingers and held above his head. His long tongue wrapped around the little thing and pulled it into his mouth. "I can see why humans love these so much." He spit out the green top. "That part's gross though."

"I need a cutting utensil of some sort." Red eyes peered around the kitchen until they landed on the overly large butcher's knife. "Ah. Perfect." His pale fingers wrapped around the blade's handle and he hoisted it up into the sunlight with ease. It's glint matched the glint in Alucard's eyes. "Now, now little strawberries…" He could almost he them whimper and scream for mercy in the basket, "My Master wishes to eat you but you are much too large to put in her dainty mouth." The blade, which was almost the length of Alucard's arm, was hefted above his head and brought slamming down into the strawberry basket on the counter.

The strawberry blood splattered everywhere making the kitchen look like World War 3. It was beautiful. But quiet sticky.

"Master!!" There was a thump against the kitchen door. Alucard sighed, Police girl liked to ruin his fun. He mocked her using a high pitched screech that he deemed sounded like her at times, "That's not nice, Maaaaaster; you shouldn't do that, Maaaaaster, they're only humans, Maaaaaastaaaahhhh." He regained his normal voice, "I'm doing this party for you. Well… actually I'm doing it for Integra, but you were invited. Stop complaining." Once again he heaved the blade over his head and slammed it down on the strawberries, spurting strawberry blood everywhere.

Else where in the kitchen, the oven was going, pots and pans were overflowing what looked like slime and pus onto the stove, the counter and the surrounding floor, a blender being controlled by one of his shadows spurted yellow-red goop all over the place, the pasta machine screamed in agony as it was barely able to punch out the 'cookies,' a Mixmaster was mixing what looked like a combination of blood, mini wheats, hot sauce, egg shells and toothpaste to make scones with.

And in the middle of it all was Alucard, covered in strawberry blood and actual blood, with little pieces of egg shells in his hair, holding up the giant butcher's knife, laughing like a maniac.

oOo

On the other side of the door, Walter broke into a cold sweat. "He's….. He's killing my babies!" He said in stunned horror. Seras watched as Walter's monocle slid from his face and dangled on the tiny string connected to his vest that held it from falling to its death.

"Master please let us in!" She pounded her fist on the door as softly as she could, she didn't want to break it.

"Nooooo, Police Girl." Came his muffled, sing-song voice. The cries of the kitchen ware grew louder.

"Master I really need to talk to you!"

"No you don't. If you really want to talk then open a mind connection."

She needed a way to get him to open the door. "Walter's dieing!"

"No he's not."

"Sir Integra's dieing!"

"No she isn't."

"Oh!! Ooh!!" She was really starting to get nervous. "Look Master! Its Anderson! You know how you love to kill Anderson over and over! Right, Master!? RIGHT!?"

"If he wants me he can come and get me." Seras covered her mouth as an image sent to her from her master, flashed in her mind. She almost gagged at the thought.

"MASTER, THAT WAS REALLY GROSS!!"

"Good. Now, go away." This time the blade went through the countertop and he managed to chop off almost all of one leg and half of the other. "Oops… Wow… that's really sharp."

"Master, what did you do?"

"I accidentally chopped off my legs… There all fixed." He went back to chopping.

"Walter," Seras turned to him only to see his hands covering his face and his hair starting to fuzz and become disheveled. His shoulders were heaving as he was fighting back tears. "I… I-I-I think we should tell Sir Integra. Walter? …Walter?" His head bobbed up and down a little bit. Once again she grabbed his hand and dragged him to Sir Integra's office.

oOo

"Sir Integra!!" Seras burst through the doors, startling Integra who sat at her desk, sucking the life out of a cigar, rubbing her temples with her pen poised over a stack of paperwork. She looked up at the intruders and was about to order them away until she saw who it was. "Officer Victoria… what in God's name is going on?" She slammed down her pen and tapped the cigar free of the ashes that balanced on the end.

"Its… Its Master!"

"I could have guessed that."

That's when Walter piped in, "He's destroying my kitchen…"

"As in literally laying waste to it?"

"Yes, Sir. He's" air quotes "cooking" end air quotes "for the tea party tonight."

"Cooking!? You actually trusted him with the kitchen!? ALONE!?" She turned away and looked out over the land that the Hellsing Manor owned. "We're lucky he learned how to use a gun…" she said softly to herself. She turned around to face Seras and Walter with a very large frown on her face and proceded to call her infamous war cry,

"ALUCAAAAAAARD!!"

"Yesssss Master?" Alucard's head came up from the middle of her desk which she was not happy about seeing as he had various cooking ingredients on his face and eggshells and other objects stuck to his hair. She glared at him. "Get out of my desk." He quickly complied.

He stood before her covered in way to many things to name but his shirt was ruined beyond repair and his pants, even though they were black, were covered in stains and patches of goo. "You called, oh Master of mine." Integra rubbed the bridge of her nose and looked at her servant out of one eye. There was silence for a long time except if something happened to fall off of Alucard's person, like an egg shell, and fall on the floor.

"Would you mind telling me what in bloody hell are you doing down there? And wipe the bloody smirk off your face, servant."

His smirk turned to an overjoyed smile rather than going away, "Wanna try one!?" Before Integra could refuse he'd already left and came back with a tiny scone in his hands. It looked almost perfect. Now they all were really confused.

"I…"

"Just try it…" He moved the papers out of the way and placed the little scone on the bare part of her desk. "I made it myself, Master." Gingerly, she picked it up between two fingers and looked at it, almost the same way she'd looked at the invitation. She expected it to come to life and try to run away or bite her finger. It didn't. Alucard leaned over the desk and watched her every movement with wide red eyes. "They're really good, trust me." Integra took a deep breath and bit in.

"Do you love it, Master?"

"Oh Alucard….. Its….. its….. I don't know what to say….. except its gross" that last part was murmured under her breath.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"It's not done yet but I'm still working on it." He shifted around a little bit waiting for her to swallow. Integra knew that's what he was staring at her for so she pretended to swallow and gave her pet a forced grin. "You can go back to your baking, Alucard." He looked at her, smiled that she'd used his name, and walked out the doors passing a trembling Seras and Walter.

As soon as he footsteps faded away, Integra instantly bolted out of her chair and over to the window, threw the pane of glass open with all of her might and spit the piece of scone out the window. "Bloody Hell!" She threw the uneaten part of the scone out the window as well. She turned to Walter and Seras, knowing they were still there. "That… was the … grossest thing I've ever tasted in my life."

"Milady, what are we going to do!?"

"Master is going to make us eat that stuff! Why didn't you tell him it was gross!?"

"I just didn't have the heart to tell him his cooking was terrible…"

"Yet you can tell him that he's a monster and can shoot him until he's a stain in the carpet but you can't tell him that his cooking it horrendous?"

"Don't preach to me Officer Victoria. At least he's trying."

"Sorry Ma'am."

"What's the time?" She looked at the grandfather clock on the far wall. "Five-thirty… Lets just humor him, shall we? Now, I have papers to do. Thank you Walter, Officer Victoria." She nodded to both of them and delved back into her paperwork. They stepped out of her office and looked at each other in terror. Suddenly there was a small explosion and it came from the direction of the kitchen.

oOo

:D This one is longer than I thought it would be. Just got a little carried away.

Preview:

They looked at their plates in silent horror.

"Go on… eat it." Alucard smiled genuinely, actually expecting them to eat the stuff on their plates.

"I don't know if I can…" Pip said meekly.

Alucard turned to him slowly with the fires of hell in his eyes and a very angry frown on his face. "Eat. It."

Pip flinched away.

"Or I'll eat you." Alucard snapped his teeth.