Kate Beckett awoke and felt her face against something warm and comforting. Once it hit her that she wasn't in her own bed her detective instincts kicked in. Green eyes flying open but not moving a muscle as not to give herself away, she surveyed the room to asses the situation. Her head was on someones chest and they were naked. The bed was soft and the sheets were silky and black. Then she remembered. Who the hell else has black bedding? The memories of last night and where she was all came flooding back to her in a flash and she relaxed. Everything was over, her job, her crusade, all over. Yet here he still was, even after all she'd put him through.
She raised her head slowly to look at him, the man she owed so much. If it weren't for him she would be completely lost right now. So much was changing so fast but he was her solid ground. Always. She knew she'd be able to lean on him. He seemed to still be asleep. His jaw hung slack and his hair a mess, probably her doing, but something seemed off. His eyes seemed to dart under their lids and his breathing seemed almost forced. A grin grew to her face as she positioned herself so her chin rested on the palms of her hands, elbows light against his abdomen. "Faker." Was all she said to him out loud as she called his bluff. But to her surprise he didn't budge. Oh he was going to make this too easy.
She rolled off of him hard paying good mind to disturb him and he kept his rouse. Big mistake. Now that he lay beside her completely exposed, she was going to explore a little bit. She secretly had always wanted to explore the land that was Castles chest and abdomen and she took full advantage. Ever so softly, barely touching, she ran her fingers from his ear down his neck to his toned chest and supple abs, following the dark hair that created a trail down to his groin. He was certainly chubbier then most of the men she chased. Having less predominate ab muscles that lay under a thin layer of what could only be called daddy pudge, showed a rare maturity that she found she surprisingly liked. From there she darted sideways to his hips where the leg joins the body and drew little circles in the valleys there before running her hand back up to spread her fingers and rest them on his chest. The whole time she kept her eyes on him, watching for a reaction, to make him lose this silly game of his. Evey thing was a game with Castle and that's what made him so fun.
Once she had reached his lower region and began to play there he inhaled quickly until she brought her hand back up to his chest when he finally let the breath out and, slowly, one by one, he opened his eyes.
"Mornin' stud" she greeted him jokingly with a smile. She still couldn't believe how she'd gotten here but she didn't care anymore. She was here and on top of the world. She read the features on his face and he looked scared. Almost shocked until she had said the words. Now it was more towards shock.
"This..This isn't a dream is it? Or would you know cause I guess if you're in the dream you wouldn't know and that would mean you couldn't tell me..." He was already going a hundred miles an hour. She should have expected this. Especially after everything she had done. She did the only thing she knew how to when dealing with Castle when he got like this and that was to treat him exactly how he was acting, like a irrational child. His nipples were just too tempting and it was all too simple. She pinched them without a second though and gave them a light twist. Castle's rambles cut off mid word into yelps of pain. " Or whaOw, Ow, OW, OW, OW!" He cried out. "What was that for?" He looked at Kate completely bewildered.
"It hurt right?" She asked him, trying to hold back a smile and a laugh. He gave her a look like she was the stupidest person in the world. This just made it harder. "You can't feel pain in dreams Castle." She stated as if her point should have been made obvious by now. It took him a moment but soon the pieces all fell into place. Despite everything his brain argued to him previous, this was not a dream.
He started to laugh, a small giggle at first but it grew until he threw his head back in an all out laughing fit. Kate couldn't help but laugh with him. All the thoughts that must be going through his head right now. After a few minutes, she started to get a little worried and so asked jokingly. "Hey, You okay? Did I break ya Castle?" He stopped immediately and a look of worry returned to his face. She really had broken him. She had put him through so much that he seemed to not know how to process last night events, or her reaction. She looked at him, concern in her eyes and she reached out to grab his hand, the both of them now sitting up in the bed. She stroked his knuckles lightly with her thumb not knowing what to say to reassure him. She decided she would try to apologize, again. She owed him so much. "Rick, I'm so sorry for everything." She started, using his first name to show her seriousness. But he cut her off, fear returning to his face.
"No. No, please don't leave Kate. Please." he pleaded. It was then all so obvious what he was afraid of. How could she have been so blind not to see it. Every other time they experienced something. That special spark. When they'd connect by accident or, though they wouldn't admit it, on purpose, she would deny it. Pretend it didn't happen. She wasn't ready. She had kept making excuses for years now and the product of that damage she caused sat before her, wounded and scared just like her.
She quickly crawled over to him, hushing as she did. "Whoa, No, Hey, I wasn't going to leave." Her tone was soft. Softer then she had probably ever used when talking to Castle save last night. She curled herself up against him, wrapping his arms around her encouraging him to hold her. To show him her intent. "I was trying to apologize for everything I've put you through." She nuzzled her face into his neck and kissed him there. "I love you." She whispered in his ear reassuringly then brought herself back to meet his gaze. He seemed better but not convinced.
"So what now?" He asked, a little unsure of everything. Kate had to think about that for a long time before answering. What now? What now indeed. It was suddenly brought back to her attention just how lost she was. A heavy sigh escaped her.
"I... I really don"t know." She said to him honestly. Worry began to fill her as she tried to figure out how to break all the news of yesterday to Castle. Her body ached from her fight yesterday and that brought back with it the painful memories even more vividly. Before she could get a hold of herself she began to cry. A conscious self on the inside screaming to take back control all the while she'd lost it. The emotional impact of last night, that monster getting away, quiting her job, Gates words, and all the damage she had caused to so many people, Javi, Kevin, Castle, his family and even herself, hit her like a giant tsunami and it overwhelmed her. "Oh god, Castle I screwed up so bad this time." She sobbed into him as he rocked her in his lap. "Not on getting with you." She said quickly, still trying to keep mind not to scare him. When it came down to it, He was one of the last things she had left.
She continued to try and keep rambling but Castle reached his hand up and tilted her chin to look at him. They were both so broken. He kissed her gently and passionately until she calmed down. After he ended the kiss she let a slow sigh escape as she tried to regain control of breathing. What is wrong with me? she kept thinking to her self. She looked deep into Castle's baby blue eyes and there was nothing but love and comfort in them now. The roles had reversed.
"Tell me everything this time, from the begging. Start from after our fight." He instructed her. She gave a nod and then started. Castle sat patiently and listened as she told him about everything. How they got the lead and her and Espo went after him themselves with no back up. "Oh Kate." He interjected at hearing this rookie like mistake of hers all for her pride.
"I know, stupid." She said accepting that she had made too many mistakes to keep track of in the last forty eight hours. She continued with how he beat her and totally outmatched and overwhelmed her. She didn't stand a chance. Not in the state of mind she was in, not alone. She even told him how she swore she could hear his voice, telling her to hang on as she watched her last fingertips slip from the buildings ledge before Ryan caught her, pulling her up to No Castle, just a S.W.A.T. team and Gates. She told him how Esposito was put on suspension and he blamed Ryan for tattling on them. She was given a suspension as well but she resigned from the one two when Gates had said her and Esposito had dishonored the city and the badge and they didn't deserve it.
Castle was furious at this and threatened to call the mayor on her behalf."He's become a huge fan of you. He'll tell her where to stick her..." He tried to say but Kate cut him off.
"No Castle that's not the point. The point is I don't even know what I want in life anymore." She continued on how the only thing she did know she wanted in life now was him and when she had finally come to terms with that realization she came here. "This is all I know I want now Rick, is you. The rest..." She sighed, so lost. Castle squeezed her against him and she looked up at him and asked "Say something reassuring, please?" A smile grew on his face at these words. He loved that she was confiding in him like this.
"The boys will work this through, Espo has a temper but they'll work it out. As for the job, Kate, you are an amazing woman and you can do anything you put your mind too and you know I don't mind helping." He told her and she tried to interject at this but Castle put a finger to her lips and continued anyways. "If you knew half the money I've made off Nikki Heat you'd force me." He said with a devious grin of his. "But I have to know" He started again. "If you did care all this time then why did our fight seem to have no impact on you? How did you just let me walk away? Because that was the hardest thing I've ever done Kate. I just wanted you to stop me." He asked honestly and he did deserve an answer.
Just a few days ago Richard Castle literally poured his heart out to her in her living room. Laid down all his card and put his heart on his sleeve and all she had done was tell him he was wrong. He deserved to know what went through her head that day. "Rick, I was angry and frustrated at the world." she started. "I think what upset me so much about your speech was how contradictory you seemed to me at the time. I know you had my well being at heart but I was being selfish and it made me blind. I guess when you told me you'd been hiding information you made me feel like a child and worst of all I felt betrayed. I thought we were partners, especially on this crusade. My crusade, except it wasn't just my crusade anymore. You had made it ours. You were there with me, I wasn't alone anymore and when I found out you hid vital case information from me for a year it was like we weren't a team anymore. Like I was alone. You understand?" She paused for a moment to make sure he was still following her. He nodded.
"Rick It broke my heart when you dropped that ultimatum on me and I made you walk out that door. Part of me thought, He'll come around, he always does. But deep down I knew I blew it. But my crusade, I couldn't be whole without it. I couldn't move on in life till it was over. It was my excuse and I buried myself in it. But once I realized you were right, that I couldn't win this and there would be no life unless I let it go, I had already driven you away, I was so scared. Richard Castle, please forgive me for being weak and damaged and everything I've put you through?" She asked hoping her explanation brought some light to her actions.
A smile from ear to ear grew on his face and he kissed her."Katherine Beckett, I wouldn't have it any other way."
A/N: Yay a longer chapter. So I will try to keep their lengths up just with how I want to have it changing character points of views, some may end up long, some may end up short. I like changing views because it lets you get inside different characters heads. Reviews would make my day and always make me want to write more.