Disclaimer: I don't own Vampire Academy.

Ch. 11 Our Talk

Finally, I could go home – er back to Tasha's, I mean. I had had enough of being stuck in the hospital wearing those horrible hospital gowns.

I was still a little weak, despite my rapid recovery, and tried leaning on Lissa as I exited my hospital room.

She staggered from my weight, and groaned. I was putting almost half of my weight on her to walk, and she wasn't used to it. "Too – heavy!"

"I have this, Princess," I heard Dimitri's voice. To my surprise, he swept me off my feet and was carrying me very casually in his arms.

I couldn't help but lean my head lightly against his chest. "Thanks," I murmured.

"No problem," Dimitri murmured back.

I probably wasn't very light to carry, but Dimitri carried me very easily like I weighed a few pounds. He carried me out the door (with some people gaping at us) and to the minivan.

Only Christian and Eddie were there. "Dash and Liam had to stay home to guard Tasha and Adrian," Lissa explained as she opened the door and Dimitri tucked me into the seat.

We were back at Tasha's within ten minutes, and Dimitri helped me out of the car and into the house.

Everyone in the house greeted us, and Liam asked to have a private word with me. I agreed. As we went into Adrian's room, I looked over my shoulder to see Dimitri regarding me with a look of…wistfulness. There was a lingering sadness in his eyes.

"I really meant what I said yesterday," Liam said quietly, pacing around the room as I sat on Adrian's very messy bed. "Our…fake relationship's going to end now. I want you to patch things up with Dimitri, or at least to listen to him."

"Alright," I acquiesced with a sigh. I did promise Liss the same thing, after all…

"But we'll still stay friends," he added with a slight grin, giving me a friendly hug.

I returned the hug and smiled as he let go. "Of course, since we're both Lissa's guardians."

"That would be bad if we weren't friends," he finished, laughing. He opened the door, and I walked out, feeling free.

I walked over to Dimitri. Everyone in the house was just chilling and relaxing at the moment, with Tasha preparing the next meal.

I whispered to him, "I need to speak with you now."

He looked up at me, and nodded. I was aware of Adrian's eyes lingering on us. He had to be wondering why I now spoke with Dimitri.

I looked at Lissa, and she said, I'll make sure no one comes upstairs and disturbs you two. Go to our room.

I saw Adrian open his mouth to say something, but Lissa whispered something to him while nodding in my direction. I could've slipped into her mind to see what she was saying, but I had more important matters at the moment.

We went up the stairs, but I felt a bit woozy after getting to the top. I wasn't 100% cured yet.

Dimitri let me lean on him the whole way to the room I shared with Lissa, and I sat on the bed while he stood in front of me, leaning against the wall.

"Rose…are you sure you want to talk now?" he asked me, somewhat anxiously.

"Yes, I'm very sure," I said firmly. I couldn't wait any longer. I had to find out what had driven Dimitri to leave me to guard Tasha.

Dimitri paced before me for what felt like a long time. When he finally spoke, his voice was very soft.

"I didn't tell you the truth when I left you at the Academy," he began.

That's an understatement, I thought, but held my tongue, which was usually very difficult for me. I couldn't ruin this now. Finally, I was discovering what had driven Dimitri to make the choice to leave me – something I had wondered about for the past year and a half after he'd left.

"I have told you this several times… I was not, and am not, romantically interested in Tasha. I didn't leave you for her. It's true she did – and still does – have feelings for me, but they never played a part in my leaving you." He sighed and closed his eyes.

"Then…why did you leave me, and lie about it?" I managed to venture. I was still hurt by his choice to leave me….but him lying about it made it even worse.

There was a pause for a moment and he spoke again. "On the night of the Strigoi attack…although you were fighting very well after you warned the other guardians, in the few times I caught a glimpse of you, you were trying to look around for me. Making sure that I was okay, and hadn't been taken by the Strigoi. Knowing that I was becoming a distraction to you, and preventing you from fighting at full level…I decided to leave. You know that all guardians must be perfectly focused especially in combat, or we would all die very quickly."

I did remember the Strigoi attack. And I clearly remembered how sometimes, while I was still fighting, I would look for Dimitri. When I caught a glimpse of him, I felt a huge sense of relief that he was still there, still fighting.

And Dimitri was right. We guardians couldn't allow anything that would distract us or cause us to slip up. We needed to be focused all the time, to ensure the safety of the Moroi. The idea of protecting the Moroi at all costs had been drilled into novices since we were young. They come first.

"But why couldn't you have told me this?" I asked as confusion swept over me. "You could've said something, before you walked out of my life…for what I thought was forever."

Dimitri's eyes were full of sadness. "I don't know. And I wish I had told you the truth at least …And I left so I wouldn't put your life in danger. If you were trying to look out for me in battle…what if something happened to you?"

I was stunned. He'd left me…to protect me? Admittedly, there was a type of twisted logic behind that. If he left, then I wouldn't be thinking about him and letting him distract me…

I kept my conflicting emotions off my face. "Then why did you choose to lie to me about why you left?"

"I lied, because it would be easier than telling you the truth," Dimitri said sadly. "You would've stopped me from leaving, and I'm pretty sure I would've stayed. It was so hard for me to be away from you, and to never hear how you were doing."

"Christian visited all the time," I pointed out.

"Yes, but did you really think he was going to offer up details about his girlfriend's best friend? Especially when I was the source of your heartache," Dimitri said, a trace of bitterness lingering in his voice.

I sighed. He did have a point, and I'd pointedly told Lissa I didn't want to hear anything about Dimitri and Tasha. "That last night we spent together…" I began, but trailed off, biting my lip.

Dimitri took my hands and gazed into my eyes. I couldn't find any resistance in me to pull away from him. My skin felt warm from his touch, and it felt like my blood was burning in my veins.

"I never used you for sex," he said, voice and eyes intense. I felt like his eyes were gazing straight into my very soul. That was one of the best nights of my life, Roza. Finally giving in to our love physically…"

I might've blushed if I was the type who did, but I didn't. "If you still loved me…why couldn't you have said something? Anything, before you left?"

"There was another reason I left you," Dimitri admitted, starting to let go of my hands, but I wouldn't let go of him.

"Tell me," I whispered.

"I had also hoped…that if I left you, you would find someone who was truly worthy of your love," he whispered.

I stared at him in shock. Dimitri, the sexy Russian god, thought he was unworthy of my love? Surely, I had to be dreaming. He always seemed so cool and confident of himself. "You…what?"

"It was my hope you would be able to move on from me, and find someone else," Dimitri explained. "Perhaps...maybe find a Moroi who would love you for everything you are…and maybe even allow you to have a family."

I felt a dull pain in my chest. Dhampir infertility was a huge issue. Dhampirs could only give birth to dhampirs with Moroi. And often, it was dhampir women who had babies with Moroi men – but the men often left to have pureblood Moroi babies with Moroi women. Because Dimitri and I were both dhampirs, we would never be able to raise a family together.

Then the full meaning of his words truly sank in. "What? You left me so I could find someone…better than you?" I asked, my voice cracking a little. As if that was possible! And even if there was someone better than Dimitri…my entire heart and soul belonged only to him, and no one else. There was no one else for me.

"Yes," Dimitri confirmed. "I knew you'd always wanted to have a family…and I couldn't give you that…"

I was staring at him in stunned silence. "You are seriously very dumb sometimes, Dimitri Belikov," I said, and leaned up to kiss him. He held me close, and kissed me back.

It was a very soft gentle kiss, and fleetingly lasted for only a few seconds. I wished it'd lasted a little longer. I could feel Dimitri's reluctance as he pulled away from me. I felt colder without his warmth.

"Every day that I spent without you was misery," Dimitri whispered. "It felt like so many years had passed before I saw you again. I can't exactly blame you for being so angry at me."

"Wouldn't you be angry if I'd given you a lame excuse about why I left?" I asked him.

"That's true," he admitted ruefully, running a hand through his silky brown hair. "I was so miserable without you that I had to confess to Tasha. She was the one who gave us alone that first time-"

I gaped. "When they all went out to the gardens? She was already encouraging us to get back together?"

He nodded.

"Whoa." Understatement of the century. She'd tried to make a move on him two Decembers ago, and now she'd encouraged Dimitri to get back with me? Something I never would've imagined happening.

"If it hadn't been for my duty to Tasha…I actually might've curled up into a ball of misery and just let my dark feelings overtake me," Dimitri said with a sigh. "I had no idea what you were doing, no idea if you'd decided to move on from me and find another guy who would love you…"

That seemed extremely uncharacteristic of Dimitri…but this proved, once and for all, that his love was truly only to me. He had never loved anyone else except for me, and neither time nor distance had changed that.

"I was equally miserable when you left." I said quietly, "if not even more than you. In the week that you left, I was…a mess. A huge mess of fucked up emotions."

It all came out, everything I'd hid for the past year and half of our separation. I told him how every day, I missed him so much it felt like my heart was empty. I tried to hide my heartbreak from Lissa, but even though she couldn't read my mind the way I could hers, she knew I was unhappy, with the uncanny sixth sense of a best friend. Sometimes at night, I would just curl up into a ball and cry my misery out, but I would take care not to show I wasn't okay the next morning.

"I didn't want to believe you when you said you loved me," I admitted, "because I was scared I would be hurt again. I didn't want to let myself love you, even though I'd been keeping these feelings to myself and sitting on them. If you told me that you were kidding at the end…it would hurt even more than the first time you'd left."

Dimitri was silent for a moment, and he hugged me close to him. I could feel his steady heartbeat as he held me.

"I'm so sorry, Roza. No words will ever be able to make up for all the hurt I've caused you," Dimitri whispered, kissing the top of my head.

"No, there aren't," I agreed. "But I forgive you anyway. Still…I want to think a little before we get into a relationship again."

"Take all the time you need," Dimitri murmured, kissing my cheek. "I'll be waiting, Roza."

I hugged him one more time, and left the room.