Disclaimer: Still not JKR. Have not quit my day job either since I make no money from this...

First: All the usual disclaimers- JKR, Monty Python, Merlin and God all inspire me. Not necessarily in that order. Nuclear Winter works too. Second: A misquote from Robin Hood Men in Tights; "Edible, Edible? You want Edible? Hire yourself a cook. I'm just the Witch."

Chapter 2- Merry Christmas - Malfoy style.

And so the story continues: Lucius had managed to wander into the same room where our two heroes were hiding from him. Now what are we going to do? Well, we could act stupid and pretend we aren't there. Lucy, for sure, was there (at any rate about half there)- sitting in Ciss's favorite overstuffed beanbag chair, watching the Christmas lights reflecting from the tree onto the window. The tree was beautiful as only Cissy could make it.

He blinked twice and dropped his last bite of brownie when he saw the huge black Snape (sorry- I meant snake) crawling around the branches. He jumped up, wand poised, and just as Ciss drifted into the room, he mumbled a spell that changed the lovely snake into a rainbow colored reptile.

Narcissa squealed with delight and clapped her hands in glee. (Imagine a 35 year old cheer leader-yeah that's right! Damn she looks good for 35- and the vapid blond act is always in season.) "Lucy, Darling, that is just incredible! You always know just how to make everything perfect." She cooed affectionately at her dingy blond counterpart who really was not faking it (he really is as dumb as he looks).

The electric pink, orange, Neon green, and blue flashing snake hissed angrily at him in between trying to take nips from the parrot who graced the top of the tree. Lucius squinted slightly as he looked from the snake back at his wife. "What in the hell do you have a ten foot long anaconda in the Christmas tree for anyway?"

"Oh Honey!" Narcissa wrung her hands together delicately as she pouted prettily. Lucius continued to glare at her so she fluttered her eye lashes and hissed almost as vehemently as the snake, "I am tired of that damn son of yours stealing my candy canes. And he lies and blames it on the house elves! The boy positively reeks of peppermint." Her voice ended in a snarl. She then softened her tone a bit and added, "I'm quite sure he said he was not an anaconda."

Lucius shook his head trying to clear it. The idea of candy canes sounded good though so he did not question her explanation. "AND." He cocked his head slightly as he looked at the snake again.

"And I am totally exhausted from having to transfigure cockroaches into candy canes." Ciss hit the perfect wail that was guaranteed to make any head hurt- not just the confused one in front of her. "Please may I keep the snake? He only eats a house elf every six weeks or so."

Their beautiful son, the one and only Malfoy heir, standing in the doorway waiting to be recognized by his loving, caring, sensitive, and dutiful parents turned green at that statement and fled for the water closet. The sound of retching could clearly be heard by anyone- who was listening for it. Too bad for him the only ones caring enough to listen were currently playing tag in the Christmas tree, but only because they wanted something to laugh about later.

"Oh, Ciss! You know I love you. I can never say no to you." Then he mumbled under his breath, "Especially if I don't want AVEDA KADAVARAed while I am wearing one of your flannel nighties." He shivered deliciously at the imagined feel of the lovely fleece against his waxed-and-oiled manly chest.

He was rewarded by a giggly female launching herself at him and the last coherent thought he had was 'she really needs bigger boobs' before he found himself tumbled back down on the bean bag (what else did you think she kept it there for?). Pretty soon he was not worried about boobs at all- Besides, if you want silicone go buy a computer chip.

Harry and Severus managed (quite easily) to escape the room. Harry grinned up at his professor and asked innocently, "You want a sip of this?"

"What do you have Harry?"

"Just a little bit of polyjuice potion."

"Who?" Snape was definitely interested.

"We could change into Narcissa and go help her out in there."

Snape grabbed the vial and added the required hair. Grinning cheekily at Harry he tilted back the potion. And just before sucking down precisely half of it he winked and said, "I get first dibs on Lucy. You can keep Ciss happy for a few minutes can't you?"

Harry nodded solemnly. "I can."

All we can say is that time flies when you are having fun, folks! As for Lucius, well, him and his three wives finally decided that after they had finished the pan of brownies that they needed to go out into the garden and get some fresh air. They really were quite tired after all the bedroom gymnastics and felt a little exercise on a real broomstick could be fun. So, Lucius was doing some of his low flying tricks while his appreciative audience cooed and clapped at his ever-so-clever stunts.

We also know that it is at times like this that Murphy's Law kicks in. Whatever can go wrong will go wrong- unless of course it was already wrong. In which case it just gets messed up even more. Which happened in the form of Lucius's Death Eater mark flaring to life with a pain all its own. He crashed his broom and sat there crying for a few minutes until all three of his wives kissed various booboos several times.

"Why does he have to ruin my Christmas? And this was the bestest Christmas ever." Lucius finally managed to mumble as he stood up and shook his robes out.

Narcissa-Narcissa-and Narcissa finally talked him into going to the DE meeting. "Honey, if you don't go soon he will be ever so angry and then you will have to spend days in bed recovering. You will miss work! You really have to go soon."

Lucius growled some profane words that I will not repeat (mainly because I did not catch them all) and disapparated with a crack. All three Narcissas looked at each other blankly as the real Narcissa whispered, "Oh Merlin! He went to a meeting and he does not have his cape and mask."

Severus shook his head. "Cloak, Ciss. Not a cape."

Harry blinked a few times as the polyjuice potion wore off. "Sev, do you think we ought to go help him?"

Narcissa nodded to the two of them. "Yes, let's go up and get his cape and mask. Maybe if you take it to him he won't get into too much trouble." The three of them raced in the house and up the stairs. Narcissa flung an extra set of gear at Severus and sighed as he put it on. She looked at Harry and shook her head, "Doesn't he just look so handsome dressed up!"

Harry gave Ciss a quick kiss on the cheek and nodded. "Yeah. Thanks for having me over. It has been a fabulous Christmas." Then he and Sev were running back out of the house so they could apparate to where the rest of the Death Eaters were meeting.

Narcissa waved mistily at the retreating duo, which now consisted of a Death Eater with a parrot on his shoulder. When they were safely away she wandered back down stairs and summoned a house elf to go find her son for her. She was feeling a bit peckish again and wanted someone to eat pickles- and-peanut butter sandwiches with.

~*~*~

Lucius apparated at the edge of the wards surrounding the Riddle House and rushed up to the door. He glared at the Death Eater guarding the door and demanded entrance. The Death Eater looked pointedly at Lucius's attire and had the nerve to ask, "A bit under dressed aren't you, Mister Malfoy?"

"Bloody overgrown snake is lucky I am even here. Bastard totally ruined my Christmas present." With that he stormed into the house and into the Great Hall where everyone else was.

"It is so nice to see you could join us, Lucius." Voldemort glared at him while hissing. He lost the thread of the conversation as he noticed another Death Eater entering the room, this one wearing a parrot, (IT'S NOT A BLOODY PARROT) a macaw! "Oh, Severus, it is so good of you to come. And you brought Harry with you, splendid!"

"I am sorry, My Lord. I had to retrieve him from the owlry or I would have been here sooner."

"Quite all right. I did ask you to bring him." Voldemort turned back to Lucius and his glare returned. "As for you..."

"Well, to tell you the truth, I was kind of busy and really did not want to show up here at all." Lucius glared right back at his supposed master.

"And what could be so important that you could not dress properly for this meeting?" Voldemort was working himself up to a frothing rage.

"It's not like anyone here does not know who the hell I am anyway." Lucius was spitting with fury. "You call me away from my lovely wifes (deliberate misspelling here) and you expect me to wear ugly old black rags on Christmas Day?"

"Yes, I do expect you to dress in your ugly old black rags, Lucius." Voldie was back to hissing.

"You know what I think!" Lucius shouted. He was totally out of control as he shrieked at Tommy. "I don't know why you want to dress in stupid black rags anyway. Everybody here knows who I am. The only thing they have not seen me do is take a piss in front of you all."

He turned around to glare at everyone as he said this. "Well, here you go. You can see Lucius Malfoy take a piss and then everyone can go home happy today." As he whipped out little Malfoy, Severus added an engorging charm just so Voldie would get even more jealous of the blond than he already was. Spinning around in a circle, pissing on everyone who did not have the sense to step back, Lucius began laughing wildly as he chanted, "Weeeee.. Weeeee."

Poor old Voldemort was so appalled that he slumped down in his chair and waited until the elder Malfoy was finished. "Now that that is done, may we continue with the meeting?" His voice just was not as enthusiastic as usual for some strange reason. (wink, wink)

Lucius glared at him. "I don't want to get my robes all dirty, may I be excused?"

Voldemort returned his glare. "You will stay right there until I can think up a hex bad enough to punish you with. You have gone way over the top this time you. Blond. YOU!" The last word was shrieked.

Lucius scratched his head thoughtfully. "I saw this muggle TV show where a guy was turned into a cow and then he was excused. You could do that, yeah?"

Voldemort was in such an apoplectic state at this point that he bellowed, "SHUT UP!"

Lucius shrugged and mumbled, "I was just trying to help."

Voldemort turned to Severus and bade him come closer. "What have you taught your familiar Severus?"

"Well, My Lord, you did ask me to teach him some new tricks. So after you lot cleared out of my home" and then mumbled "and after it was cleaned up."

"What was that?" Voldie was quite clearly losing all control.

"I apparated to Diagon Alley and visited Ollivanders Wand Shop. I found a wand that looks just like Harry Potters and I taught my little boy here how to use it." As he spoke he gave his 'little boy' a wand that he had managed to pull out of the sleeve of his robe.

Severus looked the macaw straight in the eyes and said, "Show Lord Voldemort your new trick Harry."

Everyone's attention swiveled to the bird as it took the wand in one foot and raised it, wings outspread to balance as he peered at Voldie. "Aveda Kadavara!" He said in a clear cold voice.

The curse caught the Dark Lord square in the chest and his beady red eyes flared wide open in shock as it took effect. He was staring at the bird in horror and totally missed Severus chanting the soul binding curse that would lock him away forever in a pet rock that was lying on the mantle.

Lucius was the first one to rush forward and began to enthusiastically embrace his cousin by marriage. "Well Done Severus! Now let's go home and continue our lovely party!"

Everyone else felt compelled to offer his or her felicitations also. After all, it really was bad form for Voldie to call them all out on a holiday without any monetary compensation (if you were a muggle lover) or financial remuneration (if you were a wizard fascist pig). At any rate they all thought it was high time they unionized to demand better pay, better working conditions, and less violence on the job. Voldemort passing away fitted in with their plans rather nicely.

Before anyone could leave to go on their way they were all quite shocked to hear Severus say, "Well, Harry, what say you we go show Fudge our new trick? And if that works maybe we can go visit Dumbledore."

The parrot bobbed it's head a few times while speaking, "AWK! What a rush!"

Okay so assuming we don't blow ourselves up, and we don't find any more plot bunnies, we only have to worry about California breaking away from the U.S. to go hang with can come too. THE END!!!