Disclaimer: Still not JKR. Have not quit my day job either since I make no money from this...
Chapter 3: Boxing Day already?
And so the story drags on even further: Severus and Harry stood in the foyer of Malfoy Manor. They would have liked to return to Snape Castle and spend the rest of the Christmas hols quietly but all three Malfoys were making it difficult to escape. Lucius was currently French kissing Snape in between whispering sweet nothings as he tried to persuade Sev and Harry to stay and drink some more polyjuice potion.
Harry was not being neglected either. Ciss decided that she really should (in the interests of furthering his education etc...) train him in the manly arts of pleasing a female. So far she had introduced him to the bedroom, the living room, the kitchen, the bath, the library, (What the hell was she doing dragging him into the laundry room?) et al... She was currently working on showing him how to take his leave properly. Harry was more of the opinion that he was being raped in public by a sex-crazed gorgeous woman- Yep- life doesn't get much better than this!
Severus and Lucius both stopped what they were doing and began to watch intently as Narcissa finally managed to get Harry's shirt undone and began investigating his lightly muscled (Everyone tells me Quiddich is good for getting one in shape) chest with her hands, mouth and lovely little white teeth. There was not a great deal to explore but she was being thorough.
Draco chose that moment to come in from playing out in the snow with his pet ice dragon. His mouth fell slightly open as he watched Harry being um-EDUCATED-um? He knew better than to argue though when his mother looked up at him and said, "Are you going to help me or not?"
One thing Draco loves to do is help his mother. He loves his mother. She smells of gardenias. Oh never mind.... At any rate, Draco soon found himself transfiguring his cloak into a nice big hot tub and needless to say Severus and Harry's departure was delayed by several hours. Especially since Severus drank more polyjuice potion (this time with a hair from Ginny Weasley) and educated both Lucius and Draco on the finer points of why exactly there were so many Weasleys.
It seems that Harry already knew why. He eventually showed Ciss what the Weasley boys know. No one was really surprised when Lucius and Narcissa both instructed Draco to make friends with the younger Weasleys and invite them round for tea...... Lucius and Narcissa cuddled in bed later and giggled about visiting Arthur and Molly.
~*~*~
Severus and Harry finally managed to escape from Malfoy Manor. Harry personally couldn't figure out what all the rush was about but then he is about 20 years younger than Severus. He also remembered to take his pepper- upper potion (and Sev's share as well!)
The two of them decided that they probably should go back to Hogwarts and meet with Albus Dumbledore. Obviously there was going to be reams of paperwork to fill out, press conferences to give, guest appearances on Witches Tonight hosted by Cho Chang and Marietta Edgecombe, and finally they had to register as Animagi at the Ministry of Magic: Face it folks, our heroes are booked up well into next year.
Harry got tired of trying to keep up with Severus's long strides as he practiced his post-Christmas swoop through the castle. He turned back into a macaw and landed on Sev's shoulder for a free ride. (Everyone knows there is no such thing as a free ride but we will talk about Sev demanding payment later.)
They managed to make it up to the Headmaster's office with no problems. But once again Murphy's Law was activated. That dang law causes more problems than Fluffy the three-headed dog. And Sev can attest to the fact that he causes problems.
The Headmaster was drunk off his ass, naked as the day he was born, and drilling McGonagall through the desk. Harry gave an enraged squawk and passed out. Severus caught him just before he looked over at the desk and saw the one sight that could possibly make him sicker than watching Voldemort belly dancing.
Severus grabbed his robe up to cover his face and stumbled back down the steps. After hexing the gargoyle (who was laughing hysterically at the success of his joke) he conjured an OUT-OF-ORDER sign and hung it on the door before enervating poor Harry. He and Harry were both deathly sick as they staggered down to the dungeons where they promply obliterated each other.
They decided that they could probably use an early night since they were both mentally and physically exhausted. Harry borrowed a pair of Sev's flannel pajama bottoms and the two of them slid into Sev's big old California King.
And then came the dream...
Two aliens were driving by in their big battleship. Suddenly one of them looked up through the viewer, which he had not been paying attention to due to his lunch break. "Dude that is a sweet Earth!" He said.
A voice across the room asked, "Round?"
"Negative." Replied the alien.
"Carry on Henry." (1)
Snape woke up, covered in sweat, his nerves raw from dreaming about the space ship. He knew his fear was irrational, after all he had been one of Voldemort's most trusted Death Eaters, but he just could not shake the fear that Darth Vader was real. He knew he should not have snuck into the muggle movie theater all those years ago. He just knew that Death Stars and Galactic Battle ships were REAL and they were out there...
Unable to go back to sleep he decided he would do something constructive. Except, there really is not much to do which could be considered constructive at 4:00 A.M. So he settled for the next best thing.
Harry woke up due to a rather LARGE...BOA slithering over him. He was totally unfocused to begin with. It was perfectly natural to try rolling over while moaning, "Not now, Narcissa. I'm just too tired."
The angry hiss that followed that bit of nonsense had Harry jerking upright and staring at the huge snake. He grabbed his chest and panted for several seconds before he managed, "Damn you, Snape! Why are you bothering me at," he took the time to chant TEMPUS and check the time, "4:10 A.M. Sev! Why are you up at this time?" His voice tapered off to a nice whine.
Snape hissed that he could not sleep and wanted to play. Since his form of a snake was perfect for exploring the dungeons he was headed out. Did Harry want to go with him?
It really was rather strange to see the snake gliding along with the bird flying just above him. Most of the portraits were asleep so they did not notice. However, there are always one or two portraits that just don't do what they are supposed to. Salazar Slytherin and Godric Gryffindor were those two.
Harry heard Slytherin shriek in surprise and turned around to see why. Sal was pointing at him and muttering, "How does she bloody well do that?"
The macaw landed on a statue standing caddy-corner to the painting the two men were in. "Does what?" His beady green eyes glared at the tall dark haired wizard.
Slytherin glared at the bird then turned back around to wave his hands in the air and shout at Gryffindor, "Look at them. Rowena has managed to turn back into her bird form and Helga is slithering around again. Why are we stuck here as portraits and they get to have all the fun?" Snape came back and rose up in front of the portrait. "Do you have a form?" He finally hissed at the two drunks.
Salazar puffed out his chest, "I was a giant fruit bat!"
Godric hiccupped lightly and sniggered, "You are still a fruit! And batty! Now I was a real animagus." He wove around unsteadily until he found a comfortable spot with his backside on the ground. "I was a real animagus, I was. I could turn into a big black dog." His head was still bobbing lightly as he nodded at the snake. "You remember me don't you Helga? You used to like it when I came to your chambers and changed into my doggy form."
Harry gagged. "Too much information! Awk!"
Godric Gryffindor tried to focus his blood shot eyes on the macaw and the snake, but did not manage to do more than make his head hurt worse. "I don't know Sal, but she still has that tongue thing down pat." The snake was currently tasting the air next to Godric's ear and he began to squeal and swat at it.
They left the two drunken men to argue about whether or not it was possible for a portrait to recreate magic. The macaw thought it was funny that his odious git of a potions master, supreme sex god of the Slytherins, was the embodiment of a Hufflepuff.
They were headed down into the depths of the dungeons where it was rumored that Helga Hufflepuff had a secret garden where plants had been genetically modified to produce huge tomatoes: red, ripe, juicy- so much so that one bite and a vampire was cured. They were so delectable that they were rumored to even break the curse of a werewolf if the animal ingested it.
There was no such place, but it sure was a hell of a lot of fun exploring...
~*~*~
Albus beamed happily at everyone gathered around the table at lunchtime. For some strange reason Minerva refused to look either Severus or Harry in the eye. She probably had visions of poor little Harry being introduced to the subject of sex by seeing two pairs of skinny hairy naked legs and a saggy wrinkled old butt flexing energetically- probably looked like a cat shaking a dead mouse. (YUCH- wrong visual, Minerva.)
Severus finally asked her if she was feeling OK. She nodded vigorously and decided that since the two of them were not acting peculiar also they must have already cast the obliterate on each other. She relaxed and began to sip her tea.
Albus was not quite as circumspect as his ladylove. "So, my boy, what did you need to talk to me about when you came up to my office yesterday evening?" He waggled his eyebrows at Severus, but it had little effect since the event in question no longer existed in the mind of one Severus Snape.
"I don't really remember, Albus. Harry and I were rather exhausted when we came back from Malfoy Manor and went straight down to the dungeons and went to sleep."
Albus cocked his head slightly as if listening to some music only he could hear. (That happens a lot with him- voices and such, you understand.) "Has someone cast an obliterate on you two?"
Minerva looked at the boys again as their memories were restored. She shrieked in anguish as Harry turned green and jumped up to run for the nearest water closet.
Snape looked at Albus, "You just HAD to remind me didn't you?" Albus smirked a little, "Perhaps..."
Severus was slightly paler than usual as he turned to Minerva, "If you would, please?"
Minerva performed the obliterate very efficiently then turned to her significant other. "If you ever do that again I shall turn into a cat permanently and go live with Filch and Mrs. Norris."
The madly twinkling blue eyes dimmed slightly. "Minnie, honey!" He watched closely but saw no softening on her position. "Yes, dearest one." There was no getting around She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed.
He turned back to Severus. "Well, then my boy, now that lunch has been taken care of how about you go find Harry and bring him up to my office. "I should like to hear all about how the two of you disposed of Mr. Riddle as a threat."
Severus nodded. "That would be fine Sir. I will go fetch him. We should be there shortly." Then he looked up at Albus, a hint of confusion gracing his normally stern visage. "There was a question before you leave Headmaster."
Albus looked over at Minerva a bit of fear flickered before turned back to Severus and nodded. "Yes, Severus?"
"I was wondering about what the children would be like if the God of Death married the Keeper of Time and they....?"
Albus blinked, focused his eyes on Snape, then blinked again. "I shall have to research that one, my boy." He was heard muttering something about clocks to die for as he twiddled his beard and wandered out the door.
~*~*~
Harry ran straight to Poppy after he finished praying to the porcelain god. Poppy, bless her, had obliterated the young man no questions asked and then suggested to him that he might want to make his way down to the kitchens to get some food from Dobby. After all, he had had a really trying day and a growing boy really does need to keep his strength up. Harry hugged her as thanks and retraced his steps to the dungeons.
Severus found Harry in the kitchens surrounded by house elves. "Harry?"
Harry smiled happily at his comrade and motioned him over. "Sev, have you ever met Dobby?"
The wizard bowed slightly to the house elf and waited patiently for the little guy to calm down. He set the elf off again by mentioning that his old master, Lord Malfoy, had inquired about him. The other house elves at the Manor wanted him to come visit when he got a day off.
They finally escaped the kitchens and headed up to the Headmaster's office. As they walked along Severus began humming the tune to the latest Weird Sisters hit. Soon Harry joined in singing the words.
Down in the dungeons
Down in the dungeons
Wizards put me down 'cause that's
The part of the castle I live in.
Well I hex them, and they curse me
That's the way it is in wizards society
Merlin have mercy on a wizard down in the dungeons. (2)
They sang the tune a few more times before reaching the spiral staircase. The gargoyle saw them coming and leapt out of the way. Severus eyed it on the way past and snarled, "What the hell happened to you?"
The gargoyle meeped and stayed out of the way.
Albus greeted them from behind his desk, eyes twinkling madly again. Before they could ask to sit down he had conjured up two lovely plush arm chairs and bade them be seated. "Now, would you like a cuppa' before we start? Lemon drop? Memory charm?" Then the old coot snickered!
Severus looked at the dirty old pervert and shook his head. "Let's just get the rest of the Ministry here so we don't have to go over this again, yes?"
Five minutes later all the Ministry people who were necessary for the interrogation were present. Minister Fudge demanded that both men involved be administered Veritaserum and then the proceedings began. Amelia Bones, acting in capacity as Court Administrator, began questioning them on the events leading up to and culminating with the subsequent demise of the Dark Lord.
Severus had a great deal of fun projecting several scenes for everyone's viewing pleasure. There were a few ill people when it was pointed out that Fudge was licking his lips as Malfoy Jr. made his debut into wizarding society. Overall, it was a positive meeting.
Except for the fact that Fudge insisted that he take Severus and Harry into protective custody since they were technically illegal animagus. Before they were escorted out the door by Aurors, Severus gave Mad-eye Moody a new pet rock and told him to take good care of it until he came back.
And so endeth another era in the history of Wizardry. It is now official that Mr. Tom M. Riddle is deceased. The funeral will be held at Hogwarts and any magical beings wishing to pay him a last vist may view the body as it lies in state in the Great Hall and sign the condolences book located just to the right of the great doors.
One dementor was heard asking another, "What's with the fireworks?"
!. Parts lifted from a Nuclear Winter spoof found on the internet and also nods to Carry on Henry.
2. Parody of the song, "Down in the boondocks". Since it is country music I really don't know much mure about it...