Here it is....the much requested EPOV, and you only had to wait a week! :-)
As always, a huge thank you to my beta cdunbar, your comments on this one cracked me up! Check out her stories and the Temptations Podcast that she co-hosts.
EclipseoftheTwilightMoon, PurdueLiz and Qjmom....MWAH. Nuff said.
And to all the ladies who played on the thread for this story over on Twilighted(dot)net this week....Thanks for coming out to play and I'll see back over there after you're done here...if you're still talking to me, that is ;-)
Disclaimer: If I was Stephenie Meyer, the series would have ended very differently.
OK...heeerrreee's Edward!
CHAPTER 12
EPOV
As I listened to the sound of the car's engine fade into the distance, on that warm July day, my heart twisted painfully and my lungs constricted, making breathing increasingly difficult. Leaning against the wall in the hallway where she had left me, I slowly crumpled to the floor as I attempted to ease the ache that had taken up residence in my chest.
I sat there staring at the wall for what could have been minutes or days, since time seemed to pass at an unrecognizable rate, unable to find the motivation to move from the last place that we'd been together. My mind was filled only with her image while my arms could still feel the remnants of the warmth of our embrace.
Resting my head against the wall behind me, I closed my eyes and inhaled a deep, shuddering breath in the hopes of loosening the tightness in my lungs. As I blew the air out noisily through my mouth, I felt my heart rate begin to slow to a more acceptable rate, although it still seemed to sit awkwardly in my chest, somehow dislodged from its normal, comfortable position.
The vibrating of my phone in my pocket pulled me back to reality as I lazily retrieved it and held it up to read the simple text from Bella, acknowledging that she had found the small tokens I had hidden in her bag. My heart swelled for a moment at the contact before twisting once again, the realization that she was gone hitting me once more.
I stared at the words for a moment while I shifted my position to sit cross-legged with the phone in my lap before texting back. My mind raced through many two-word replies, Don't go, Please stay, Come back…before finally settling on the sentiment that I wished more than anything…Be safe…because I knew that over and above my selfish desires, my most fervent hope was that she would be safe and well and happy.
The words on the screen blurred before my eyes as I hit send and it wasn't until I felt the drop of moisture land on the keypad that I realized I was crying.
Wiping the tear from the phone with my sleeve, I snapped it shut and shoved it back in my pocket before rubbing my face with my palms. Sucking in another deep breath, I slowly stood up and climbed the stairs. I couldn't let Jasper and Alice come home to a whimpering wreck in the hallway; even in my zombie-like state, I was still trying to salvage what little dignity I had left.
I stopped by the bathroom to splash some cold water on my face before heading into my bedroom. Closing the door behind me, my heart fluttered weakly and my stomach flipped as I breathed in the smell of fresh strawberries and freesias that lingered in the room.
Hooking up my stereo speakers to my laptop, I selected the playlist titled Bella before collapsing onto the bed. Burying my face into the pillow she had slept on only hours before, I allowed the music and her scent to overwhelm my senses.
I was vaguely aware of Jasper and Alice's return not long afterwards, but they thankfully did not disturb me until that evening, when there was a quiet knock on the door before Jasper peeked his head in.
"Edward?" he asked timidly.
"Mmmhmm." My halfhearted reply was muffled by the fabric of the pillowcase I couldn't tear myself away from.
"Alice and I ordered some Thai. It'll be here in about ten minutes and I think you should come downstairs and eat with us." It wasn't an invitation. It was Jasper's way of telling me that wallowing in my room was not going to be an option for me, at least while he was around.
Part of me wanted to tell him to go away and leave me alone. But the part of me that saw him as my brother knew that he was just looking out for me, and for that I was immensely grateful.
Not to mention the fact that I hadn't eaten anything since that morning. My stomach had tied and untied itself in knots all day, making hunger the least of my worries, but the logical part of my brain told me that I should eat something.
"Okay," I said, lifting my head enough to make eye contact. "I'll be down in a minute."
Jasper looked at me with sympathy and concern before nodding slightly in response and backing out of the doorway.
"Jasper," I called out before the door was fully closed.
"Yeah?" His head appeared around the edge of the door again and his right eyebrow was raised in question.
"Thanks, man." I didn't feel the need to elaborate on exactly what I was thankful for but he seemed to understand.
"Anytime, bro." His lips turned up into a small smile but his eyes looked weary. Dealing with Alice's and my moods all day must have taken its toll on him.
The door clicked softly behind him and I listened to his footsteps on the stairs before I got up off the bed and stretched. Not only was the ache in my chest still very much present, but now every muscle in my body screamed in protest as I began to move around for the first time in hours.
I made it down to the bottom of the stairs just as Jasper was shutting the front door and followed him into the living room, where Alice was waiting. I noticed that plates and cutlery were already stacked on the coffee table as Jasper set the large brown bag down before taking his place at Alice's side.
While we were eating, Alice attempted to keep a constant flow of conversation going, talking about anything and everything besides the one thing I knew was on both of our minds. Her voice lacked some of its previous perkiness and her eyes showed her underlying sadness, but she was careful to avoid the mention of Bella's name.
Meanwhile, I observed that Jasper was in constant contact with her, his hands never straying from her body. Whether it was a gentle squeeze of her knee or an absentminded rubbing of her back. His touches were not at all sexual in nature. He was soothing her, and I wasn't sure if he even realized he was doing it.
I felt selfish knowing that, while Jasper was calming Alice, she, in turn, was trying to make me feel better, despite the fact the she too had lost someone important to her that morning. This realization gave me the resolve to at least try to engage in the conversation, hoping that by responding to her efforts I could also lessen her pain.
Soon, our meal was done and the leftovers and garbage were disposed of. We returned to the living room and the meaningless banter that was meant only as a distraction as I fought the increasingly strong urge to lock myself away in my room, once again.
During a lull in the conversation, Alice pulled out her cell phone and typed up a text message while Jasper's hand simply squeezed her shoulder. No less than a minute later, I heard the low buzz as her phone vibrated in her hand. The sound caused my heart to jump in my chest; it apparently knew who the reply was from.
As Alice flipped it open to read the message, it took every ounce of control I had to not reach over and snatch the little pink device out of her hand. I was overcome with the need to know if Bella was okay.
Was she happy? Was she well? Did she miss us? Did she miss me?
The smile that spread across Alice's face as she read the text helped tamp down the bubble of fear that had risen to the back of my throat. Bella was not only fine, she had managed, even at such a great distance, to make Alice smile. Jasper visibly relaxed, pulling her toward him and placing a chaste kiss on her cheek.
As Alice nuzzled into his side and wrapped her arms around his waist, I took that as my cue to leave. Jasper looked up at me over the top of her head as I stood up and we simply nodded at each other once before I turned to leave the room.
"Goodnight, Edward," Alice said quietly, her voice muffled by Jasper's t-shirt.
"Night, Alice," I answered with a small smile before taking my leave and heading back to the sanctuary of my room.
The days during that first week passed in much the same fashion as the first. Most of my waking hours were spent in my room engulfed in the fading scent of strawberries. The tightness in my chest ranged from painful, to a dull ache, and back again, depending on the track playing on the stereo or which memory had been running through my mind at any given time.
Jasper would always find some excuse to come and check on me, often finding me sitting on my bed, surrounded by open textbooks that I was failing to read or sitting at my computer, staring at a research site that couldn't hold my interest. He must have been satisfied that I was at least trying to accomplish something and left me alone with my thoughts quite quickly.
Every day, however, I joined Jasper and Alice downstairs for at least one meal and listened as Alice happily chattered away about god only knows what. Bella's name was still never mentioned during those times and, although I was desperate for news of her, I was never sure if the embargo was for Alice's benefit or mine, and I didn't want to upset Alice by bringing it up.
When the two of them insisted that I join them for Sunday brunch at the end of that first week, I knew that my wallowing time was up.
Alice burst into my room that morning without knocking and headed straight for my closet. Jasper was hot on her heels and shot an apologetic look in my direction as I sat bolt upright on the bed, staring in shock at Alice's ass as she rummaged through my things.
"Alice," he hissed.
"Jazz," she said in an authoritative tone. "We have reservations at The Four Seasons! He can't wear that." She waved her arm up and down in my general direction without actually turning to look at me.
I knew I had lost my ally when Jasper turned to cast an appraising eye over my appearance, quirked an eyebrow as if to say 'she's got a point,' and shrugged his shoulders.
Thanks, bro, I mouthed sarcastically at him as he left me to fend for myself.
Suddenly, Alice was standing at the foot of the bed holding a pair of pants and a shirt.
"Here." She smiled and placed the items down. "Wear these today. We're leaving in half an hour, okay?" And then, before I could answer, she was gone.
What just happened?
I shook my head and chuckled before grabbing the clothes and getting up to take a shower. It was the closest I'd come to laughing for a week, and it felt good.
Alice was bouncing in her chair as we waited for our food to arrive and I wondered what had gotten her so worked up. Jasper swung his arm around her shoulders in an attempt to stop her movements but even he couldn't contain her excitement.
When the waitress set our plates in front of us, she couldn't hold her news in any longer.
"So," she announced as she looked between Jasper and me with an air of anticipation. "I talked to my parents last week and they've agreed to get me an apartment in town before I go back to school!" she almost squealed.
Jasper's face lit up into a huge smile and I shuddered at the thoughts I was sure were going through his head.
"That's great, Ali." He beamed. "Did you want me to help you look for a place?"
"Well," Alice gushed. "That's the best part. I already found one! I move in on Labor Day weekend."
Alice and I were planning on finding an apartment together if I come back.
Bella's words flashed through my mind and I began to panic. Did Alice getting a place on her own mean that Bella had already made the decision to stay in Chicago? The implication caused my insides to launch into a flurry of activity and I could no longer concentrate on anything else that was being said at the table.
I wanted to interrupt Alice's recounting of the when's and where's of her new home and ask, point blank, what it all meant. But I couldn't do it. I wasn't ready to lose the sliver of hope I held on to, that Bella would return some day.
The next several days were spent actively avoiding the happy couple. I would get in my car each morning and just drive, seeing where the day would take me. Not surprisingly, I would find myself in the places where my memories of Bella could take over and I spent uninterrupted hours lost in daydreams.
One of those days I made the trip over to Bainbridge Island and sat on the beach looking, undoubtedly, like an abandoned puppy as I stared out across the water. Another was spent watching the crazy fishmongers at Pike Place. But mostly I wasted my days near the ocean, remembering the peaceful look on Bella's face when she had done the same thing only a few weeks ago.
Jasper had relaxed considerably around me. Content, no doubt, that I was no longer moping and pleased that I was making the effort to get out of the house. Little did he know that I was just falling deeper into my obsession.
I had taken to checking my phone ten to twenty times a day, hoping for a missed call or message from Bella. Each time I promised myself that if I hadn't heard from her by the end of that day, I would call her the next. And each day I chickened out before dialing her number, afraid to hear that she was doing just fine in Chicago, or worse, that she had found a reason to stay.
As much as my days were filled with longing and reflection, it was the nighttime that I looked forward to. When I slept, there was no ache in my chest and my heart returned to its proper position, beating normally and without pain. Because when I slept, Bella was there with me once again, even if it was just in my dreams.
The dreams ran the gamut from completely sweet and innocent to entirely X-rated. Sometimes they would be as simple as having her lying in my arms all night and I would wake up in the morning wearing a sappy smile, the ghost of her still warming my body in those groggy moments between sleep and consciousness.
Other times, my mind would conjure up my more vivid fantasies and I would wake up clutching her pillow, a thin film of sweat covering my body, along with a throbbing morning wood that would have to be dealt with.
Whatever direction these dreams took, the theme was always the same. Bella was mine and I was happy; so the sense of loss when she wasn't there when I awoke, was just one more pain I needed to deal with every day.
Before I realized it, the summer was almost over and Jasper had suggested the three of us make the trip up to Forks before school started again. He wanted to introduce Alice to our parents and I had to admit that getting away from Seattle could only do me good.
Consequently, on the Monday of the third week in August, Alice, Jasper and I were packed into the Volvo and on our way.
Esme and Laura were waiting on the front porch of my house as I pulled into the familiar driveway, and cut the ignition. Esme practically dragged me out of the driver's seat and pulled me into a hug while Laura did the same to Jasper on the passenger side.
While both of us towered above our petite mothers, these women always made us feel like little boys when we were wrapped in their arms. A wave of contentment washed over me as my mom took my hand and led me over to Jasper and Laura, before the two moms switched sons, and I found myself in Laura's embrace.
The sound of a car door opening pulled Jasper away from Esme as he rushed to help Alice out of the back seat.
"Mom, Esme." He was positively glowing as he led Alice to them. "This is Alice," he said proudly.
For the first time since I'd met her, Alice looked nervous, her head was bowed as she held out her hand.
"I'm very pleased to meet you both, Mrs. Cullen, Mrs. Whitlock. Your sons have told me so much about you," she said, quietly.
Esme smiled widely and Laura's eyes glistened as the tears welled up, before she scooped Alice into a tight hug.
"Oh, Alice. I'm so happy to meet you. Jasper's told me all about you." She mouthed the words she's adorable to her beaming son. "And please, call me Laura. Mrs. Whitlock is my mother-in-law."
"Thank you, Laura," Alice mumbled into her shoulder.
"Come on, Mrs. Whitlock," Esme teased. "Let go of the poor girl before she suffocates. And anyway, it's my turn." My mom tugged at her friend's arm and then pulled Alice into another bone crushing hug.
"Now, I want you to make yourself at home here, okay? And please, call me Esme." She released her enough to look her in the eye. "I have cold drinks and fresh chocolate chip cookies ready in the house. You like cookies, don't you?" She winked.
"Of course!" Alice smiled, her nervousness gone after such a warm welcome.
"Well then, why are we still standing out here?" Laura piped in, hooking her arm through Alice's.
"Exactly." Esme hooked her other arm and the three women turned and started toward the house. Leaving Jasper and me to unload the luggage from the car.
The two of us laughed at the scene that had just played out before us.
"That went well," I said, popping the trunk open.
"Yeah. A little too well, I think." Jasper chuckled nervously as he watched Alice disappear with our moms. "We'd better get in there quick, before those two start pulling out the home movies," he groaned.
We grabbed our bags out of the car and I carried mine up to the house while Jasper jogged across the front lawns to drop his and Alice's cases at his house.
Jasper was already sitting in the kitchen with Alice and our moms by the time I came down the stairs after leaving my bag in my room.
He wasn't kidding about not wanting to leave them alone for too long.
The five of us talked for a few hours, most of the topics centering around embarrassing moments from Jasper's and my childhood. Alice enjoyed the stories immensely while Jasper and I cringed and quickly replaced our homemade lemonade with bottles of beer.
"Well, we should be making a move," Laura stated after one particularly mortifying tale. "Your father will be home soon and I know he's dying to meet Alice."
"Jeez, Mom. I'm beginning to think you guys are more excited about meeting Alice than you are about having me home," Jasper joked, pouting as he spoke.
"Of course we are, silly." Laura rolled her eyes and tapped her son on the shoulder.
Alice giggled as she stood up and leaned across the table to kiss Esme on the cheek. "Thank you for the cookies." She grinned.
"My pleasure, dear." She returned Alice's kiss. "You are welcome here anytime. Mi casa es su casa. Oh, and you can bring Jasper too, if you must." She grinned and winked at Jasper, who rolled his eyes and blew out an exaggerated sigh.
Carlisle arrived home shortly afterward and after welcoming me home my mom shooed us both in to the media room with a couple of beers while she got dinner ready.
As we sat in front of some inane sitcom on TV, my father asked the usual questions about my studies and plans for the future. I asked him about his work at the hospital and he shared information about some of the more interesting cases he's been working on, before Esme called us to the table.
The dinner conversation consisted of my mother telling Carlisle all about Alice. As Esme talked incessantly, Carlisle's face held the same expression of rapt fascination that Jasper wore whenever Alice spoke. As though every word she said held the key to his very existence. I had never noticed this look before, and seeing it now brought to mind the way I had felt whenever Bella spoke to me.
Just as the thought crossed my mind, the familiar tightness, which has been absent for the past few hours, returned with a vengeance. I excused myself from the table as soon as was polite to retire to my room.
When the excitement of our return home diminished after that first day, my time in Forks fell into a quiet routine. Esme often had some sort of volunteer function to attend to during the day while my father worked. Alice and Laura regularly went to Port Angeles to shop and Jasper tagged along with them, afraid, I suspected, to let the two women out of his sight on their own for any length of time.
I spent the majority of my time alone in my childhood home, sitting on the bench at the baby grand piano my parents kept in a specially sound proofed room on the ground floor, at the back of the house.
Music had always been an escape for me and I learned to play at an early age, becoming a prodigy of sorts and composing my own pieces by the time I had reached my early teens.
It had begun as a way to simply pass the time when I first found myself alone in the house. I started by playing old familiar pieces and as my fingers glided across the keys, the difficulty level increased until I was playing the more complicated composition that I had written for my mother's 40th birthday.
Soon, however, a new melody formed in my head and I spent hours trying to perfect it. I worked on it obsessively, stopping only to eat and sleep. It was intricate and melancholy, but beautiful, and while I was playing it, I became lost in thoughts of the person who inspired it.
It was late afternoon on Saturday when I emerged from the music room to hear my mother moving about in the kitchen.
"Edward!" Esme called out. "Could you come in here for a minute, please?"
"What is it, Mom?" I said, making my way to the kitchen while trying to lighten the tone of my voice. I knew she'd been worried about my behavior since we'd arrived, and I had resolved to do my best to try to assuage her fears by attempting to act less morose, at least when we were in the same room.
She turned to look at me as I stood in the doorway, a forced smile on my face and my hands in the pockets of my sweatpants. Her nose scrunched up in mild disgust as she took in my disheveled appearance.
"I want you to wear something nice to dinner tonight." She paused for a moment, contemplating my options. "What about your grey pants and that nice green shirt I bought you last Christmas?"
"Sure, Mom," I sighed. First Alice, and now my mother. Since when did I lose the ability to dress myself? "May I ask why?" I tried to keep the edge out of my voice.
"We're having guests over tonight," she grinned, my mother always loved to entertain. "A new doctor just started at the hospital. He just moved here from Alaska with his family, so they don't know anyone in town yet. Your dad invited him, his wife, and their daughter over to dinner tonight, so we decided to ask the Whitlocks to join us too, and Alice, of course."
I couldn't suppress the groan that escaped my throat as my eyes rolled up into my head.
"Edward," Esme practically growled. "I expect you to be pleasant this evening. Do you hear me?"
"Yes, ma'am," I conceded. My mother always managed to make me feel like a scolded toddler when she set her mind to it.
"You never know, you might even enjoy yourself," she scoffed sarcastically to my retreating form as I trudged up the stairs to my room.
The last thing I felt like doing tonight was 'entertaining' the daughter of one of Carlisle's colleagues, and the chip on my shoulder was almost visible as I showered and changed into the requested clothes.
The Whitlocks and Alice had already arrived when I came back downstairs. The women were busy in the kitchen while the guys waited in the living room, and moments later the doorbell rang.
Carlisle and Esme greeted their guests at the door, introductions were made, and coats were taken as the rest of us gathered dutifully in the hallway, waiting to meet the new arrivals.
Dr. and Mrs. Denali introduced themselves and their daughter, Tanya, to Laura and Tex, who in turn presented Alice and Jasper. Tanya looked Jasper up and down appreciatively before Alice cleared her throat and situated herself between the two of them, holding out her hand and smiling pointedly at the tall blonde.
Finally, all eyes turned to me as Esme introduced me. Tanya's parents simply shook my hand and began following the rest of the party into the dining room, leaving me alone in the hallway with their daughter.
"Very pleased to meet you, Edward," she purred, licking her lips and eyeing me like a starving person eyes a perfectly cooked steak.
She raised her hand between us and, as I took it to shake, she stepped toward me, causing me to stumble backwards into the wall.
"Uh…nice to meet you too, Tanya." I slid sideways so I was no longer trapped between her body and the wall and motioned with my arm toward the dining room. "Shall we?"
"I certainly hope we shall." She smirked, dropping my hand and following me to join the others.
Most men in my situation would have been flattered by the attention. Tanya was pretty enough, with long strawberry blonde hair and grey eyes. Her skin was flawless and her tiny red dress, which I thought was entirely inappropriate for a casual family dinner, left little to the imagination and showcased her long, slender legs.
A lifetime ago, or more accurately, a few months ago, I might have considered the possibility of reciprocating some of that attention. But now, she was so far removed from my ideal that her forwardness just made me extremely uncomfortable. Keeping my promise to my mom, I held Tanya's chair out for her before taking my seat beside her.
The talk around the table followed the usual 'getting to know you' theme and I took very little part in it, politely answering when spoken to but not really engaging in any meaningful two-way conversation. I learned that Tanya was also going into her final year of pre-med studies at the University of Alaska, and I mentally said a small prayer of thanks as she explained why she had decided not to transfer to UW when her father accepted his new position.
"Although, I wish I had now," she finished, whispering only loud enough for me to hear.
Suddenly, her hand was on my thigh and I jumped in my seat, covering the small squeak I emitted with a fake cough. Everyone glanced at me briefly, but seemed to lose interest once I stopped coughing and took a sip of my water.
I tried to discreetly pull my leg away and scooted my chair toward Alice as much as I could but Tanya's hand did not move. She began to squeeze and rub my upper thigh as my body stiffened and I tried to resist the urge to leave the table. Alice noticed my change in demeanor and turned to look at me, and then Tanya. Her eyes widened when she looked down to see Tanya's hand, which was partially visible past the edge of the tablecloth.
"So, Tanya, I love your dress. You must tell me where you got it!" Alice sprang into action, distracting Tanya by playing to her vanity, gushing about her hair, her make-up, her clothes…anything, and I wanted to kiss her for it.
I looked over her head to express my gratitude to Jasper for picking such a fantastic girlfriend, only to find him having difficulty suppressing his laughter. I scowled at him, instead.
Jackass.
Finally, the most awkward evening in recent memory was over and we crowded in the hallway, saying our farewells. Tanya shoved a piece of paper in my hand and whispered, "I leave on Thursday, call me," in my ear before I politely showed her the door.
I managed to avoid any further contact with her over the next two days and on Tuesday, Alice, Jasper and I were once again packed into the Volvo and on our way back to Seattle.
With Alice moving into her apartment and school starting the following week, it was going to be a busy few days.
I threw myself into my preparations for the start of classes. Never before had I so looked forward to my days being filled with lectures and my evenings with homework. My run in with Tanya had made realize one thing; despite what my heart was telling me, Bella was not the only woman in the world. It was time to move on and pull my life out of the holding pattern it had been in for the past month. Bella never called and I was done wasting my time, hoping that she would.
Alice had hired a moving company to physically move her belongings into her new place, but Jasper and I spent the weekend helping her arrange the furniture and unpack her less personal items. I was surprised to notice that this new apartment had two bedrooms and that Alice had ensured the guest bedroom was also fully furnished. I knew the Brandon's had money, but it still seemed a little extravagant to me.
The first few days of classes were the usual confusion of schedules and syllabi. Many of my classmates and I were filling out and sending off our med school applications, hoping for an early acceptance letter from the school of our choice in order to have one less thing to worry about in the coming year.
As the weeks settled into a routine, however, the ache in my chest remained. No matter how hard I tried to forget, I still found myself daydreaming in class, and the dreams of Bella at night were a constant comfort to my still, twisted heart.
Six weeks.
It had been six weeks since she'd left and I'd made a decision. How wise that decision turned out to be still remained to be seen, but I was going to follow through with it, regardless.
I had come to the conclusion that the reason I was unable to let Bella go was the fact that, deep down, I still held out hope that she would return to Seattle. But now I needed to know.
I had been bracing myself against the possibility that I may find she had a complete life, and even love, in Chicago, but I was resigned to the fact that even knowing that would be better than not knowing anything for sure.
The thought of just calling her had crossed my mind, but the phone can be so impersonal and I wanted to see her expressions, read her emotions in her eyes, so that I could be certain of the truth. I hadn't fully formulated what I was going to do with the information once I'd obtained it. I just knew I had to have the facts in order to take whatever step was next.
In reality, I just needed to see her again, even if it was for one last time.
Staring at the phone in my hand, my finger lingered over the last digit, as it had at least once every day for the past week.
I took a deep breath and pressed the final number for the airline.
Ten minutes later, I was booked on a flight to Chicago, leaving the following morning.
I felt immeasurably lighter after the call had been made and I was almost looking forward to going out with Alice and Jasper that night. This was their third attempt this week to get me to go out with them and I had finally relented only hours before.
Rolling my eyes at the clothes Alice had laid out for me, I quickly gathered a few things for my trip and packed them in an overnight bag. Shoving the bag into the bottom of my closet, I grabbed the clothes from the bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. The extra spring in my step did not go unnoticed.
A/N Um...yeah, review?