Disclaimer: Everything you recognize belongs to JKR, anything you don't is mine.
A/N: Thanks to givetherabbitthefreakintrix and littledhampir13 for the reviews!
Chapter 19
"I think…I think he may be in – in love with me."
Regulus was silent for a long, long time. So long I was tempted to ask if he was still alive. But then he finally spoke.
"Please excuse me while I go beat – his – brains – out."
At first, I thought he was kidding. But then he made to stand up, and I grabbed his arm roughly to stop him.
"Regulus," I admonished, holding his arm tightly to keep him from moving. "You can't seriously be thinking of doing this!"
"Like hell I can't!" he exclaimed, yanking his arm out of my grasp and standing up. "You're my fiancé; I'm not going to let some crazy-ass Dark Wizard who is in love with you live!" He made toward the door, but I stood up and ran in his way, blocking the exit. "Move, Nicole, I have…business to attend to."
"You can't do this!" I cried. "You'll never be able to get in and out alive, and then you'll just get yourself killed! I couldn't live with myself if you were killed, Reg! And even if you don't, you'll alert to them that Draco and I aren't really on their side! You'll get us killed!"
"They don't have to know that you're not really on their side!" he pointed out, trying to get me to move, but I held my ground. "He can't…he just can't be in love with you!"
"Why not?" I asked, suddenly offended. "Am I really that unlovable?" Alright, so I wasn't really offended. I just wanted to try to make him forget about the fact that Riddle was in love with me. Why did I have to bloody tell him?
"No, it's not that," he corrected quickly. "It's just…how can he be in love with the person that killed him eighteen years ago? How? No offense but if you killed me, I think all I'd want to do is murder you."
"I don't understand it any more than you do!" I snapped. "The Voldemort I know doesn't care about anybody, let alone fall in love with them! He never once even took advantage of Bellatrix, and look at how she worships him! It would've been all too easy and in-character for him!"
"How do you know he never took advantage of her?" he asked suspiciously. He had finally given up on trying to get around me and was now standing with his arms crossed childishly, his toe tapping, as if waiting for me to move just slightly out of the way so he could make his move.
"Because it's Bellatrix," I explained, "if he had, we would know, believe me."
"That's true," he muttered. "But don't try to get me off topic!" he exclaimed suddenly, stamping his food immaturely.
"Look, I don't understand it anymore than you do," I said, calming down slightly. "But don't you think it's pretty fucking sad that he's in love with the person who killed him? I do. I pity him, if anything. I still hate him, of course, but I pity him."
"Well, I don't pity him, because he takes advantage of the fact that he can control you," he said, lowering his voice a bit. "Can you imagine what type of sick things he can make you do? And you'll do it, because you don't want to blow your cover."
"I know where to draw the line, Regulus," I said, my temper rising again.
"I'm not so sure you do. I mean, what would you do to make sure that you didn't blow your cover?" When I didn't say anything because I didn't know the answer myself, he continued. "I'm only doing this because I care about you, alright? I love you, I love you more than anything, and I can't stand to see you hurt."
"I know, Reg, but I'm not going to be hurt –"
"You can't be sure of that!" he exclaimed. "That's what you said last time, remember? And you didn't come out unharmed."
"But I will this time –"
"What if he…what if, somehow, you fall in love with him?" I made a face at his suggestion.
"Regulus, I hate him more than anything. I hate him so much that every time I'm around him, I feel…I don't even know how I feel. I don't feel like myself. I'm not going to fall in love with him! That's never going to happen!"
"How do you know? You can't control who you're in love with!"
"Yeah, obviously, or right now I sure wouldn't be in love with you!"
Shit. I didn't mean that. Not one word of it. Maybe I couldn't choose who to fall in love with, but I know that if I could, there was nobody better to choose than Regulus.
Regulus looked as though I had slapped him. Why had I said that? I'm such a horrible person…But I was too angry to take it back.
"Stop being a prat and move out of the way so I can kill that bloody sick minded bastard!" He was obviously trying to forget what I had said to him, trying to change the subject, and I understood exactly why. "Does he even realize that he's a good fifty years older than you? Probably not! All he thinks about his running his hands all over your body and sticking his tongue down your throat!"
"Look, I don't like this anymore than you do," I snarled suddenly. "I mean, come on! He murdered my parents and me in my past life, and now I have to kiss him whenever he tells me to, whether I want to or not? It's the worst thing ever!"
"Then don't go back! Actually, I – I'm not going to let you go back, now that I know this! First he makes you kiss him, what's he going to do next? Rape you?" I know my fear that that would happen showed on my face, because he suddenly seemed to soften, but I tried to keep my voice hard and even.
"Look, if it comes to that, I…I'll somehow prevent it. You know I'm not going to let him do that, no matter what. It's the most revolting thing I've ever heard in my life! Even if I have to blow my cover, I'm not going to do that."
"Yeah, I know you, and I knew you'll do anything to make sure you don't blow your cover. Including…including him! And I am not going to let that happen because, even if it doesn't hurt you physically, it'll hurt you emotionally. Things like this leave people scarred for life, Nicole! I don't want that to happen to you!"
"It's not going to! I'll kill him before I have to do him!" I yelled. I set my hands on his shoulders and shook him roughly. "I promise, alright?" He stared at me for several moments before he shook his head slowly and shoved his way around me.
"Yeah, well, you've been known to break your promises, haven't you?" So this is how he felt after I told him I didn't want to be in love with him. The words had hurt worse than any curse, any slap, any punch ever could, ever would.
He pulled the door open.
"Regulus, please –"
"I'm not going to go murder him," he said, not even turning around to look at me. "No matter how much I want to. I'm just going to…to go have some time to myself, alright?" As he pulled the door shut behind him, I heard him mutter, "It's not like I could get into that damn Manor anyway."
I felt even more tears falling down my cheeks as soon as the door slammed loudly.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
(A/N: Here we're off to Regulus' POV for a bit. It won't be long…we just need to see what he's thinking.)
I couldn't even think as I walked slowly down the empty staircases of Hogwarts. I was too pissed. At Riddle, at Nicole, at the world.
Things had been so much simpler back in the seventies. Back before Nicole went undercover the first time. Sure, our life was still a mess at that time, but it was much easier than now.
Why am I even so pissed? I asked myself. It's not like Nicole can control who falls in love with her. It's not like she can control the fact that she needs to be a spy and that if she doesn't more people will die.
Still…I wasn't happy.
Near the bottom of the stairs, I saw Severus standing at the bottom, watching me.
"What's up with you?" he asked when I reached him. "You look…pissed." I shrugged as I sat down on the stairs. He sat down next to me. "I think you know what's going on, you just don't want to tell me." I sighed.
"Nicole and I…we got into a fight. A pretty big one, I must say." I paused. He didn't even ask why, but I found myself telling him. "She said…she said Riddle is – that he's in love with her."
"Why does that cause a fight?"
"Because…" I paused. Why had it caused a fight? Oh, right – because I wanted to kill him, and she told me not to, and it just went downhill from there. "I don't really know. I told her I wanted to kill him, but she wouldn't let me. And then, instead of being mad at him, I was mad at her. We both said some things we didn't mean."
"Why does that make you so mad?"
"Because he gets to control her," I explained. "You know why. Everything he tells her to do, she will. And you and I know it. And…and she said that, if he tries to get her to do more than kiss him, she'll find a way to not do it, even if it means blowing her cover but…but I know her better than that. I know she'll do anything to make sure she won't blow her cover."
"I know, and I agree with you," Severus said quietly. "But you shouldn't be fighting over stupid things like that."
"But she's my fiancé. I should be the only one that gets to hold her, and kiss her, and love her….What should I do?" Severus was quiet for a long time before he said softly,
"Be there for her." I looked up at him, shocked and confused. He explained. "You think this is bad for you? Try being the one who actually has his tongue shoved down your throat. That's what Nicole is dealing with. She told you because she thought you would be supportive, you're one of the few who always is, and…when you weren't…she didn't seem to know how to react."
"She had already had a bad night," I said, suddenly feeling bad. What had I done? Why had I reacted so horribly? All I could think about was the fact that Riddle was using her…I didn't think about her feelings… "And I just made it worse…God what's wrong with me?" I buried my face in my heads. Severus didn't answer that question and instead asked softly,
"You know how much she loves you, right?" I looked back up at him and nodded slowly. I did, I truly did. "Anybody can tell by the way she looks at you, by the way she looks when she talks about you. And you obviously love her just as much. But…she's gone through a rough time tonight, and she might not be able to see it. You know how naïve she is. I think…I think you should go talk to her."
I nodded slowly. He's right, I thought. Nicole's so naïve. What's she thinking right now? She's probably convinced that I hate her…I could never hate her. I love her more than anything…
"I need to talk to her," I said suddenly, standing up. I climbed a few stairs before turning back. "Thanks Severus. For everything." He smiled slightly at me over his shoulder.
"You and Nicole are my friends. I'll always be here for you." I smiled at him as I started back up the stairs, but his voice stopped me. "You know, this would a lot less creepy if I weren't eighteen years older than you." I laughed and shook my head slowly.
"It still feels like you're my age to me," I disagreed. "See ya around." I climbed the stairs two at a time, hoping to go find Nicole before she fell asleep. When I got upstairs, I pushed the door to the room Nicole and I stayed in quietly.
She was fast asleep, curled up in a ball on her side. To my surprise, I found she was on my side of the bed and was curled up with her face buried into my pillow. I sighed as I shut the door quietly and made to the bed. As I got closer, I saw that it seemed she had cried herself to sleep, and felt even worse for yelling at her.
I laid down beside her on her side of the bed, still wondering why she was on mine. She didn't like that side…she also didn't like my pillow. Once she called it "too fluffy." But when I laid down and smelt the faint scent of her perfume on her pillow, I realized why.
She had once waited up all night for me to return from a late shift at work. When I had gotten back and asked her why she was still up, she said she couldn't sleep without me next to her. She said it was my scent – it had grown to be comforting to her, and she couldn't sleep without it. Just like her scent was on her pillow, mine was probably on mine.
Since she was facing me, I couldn't help but stare at her until my eyes were drooping shut. She's so beautiful, I thought. So perfect. How could I ever forget how perfect what we have is?
I don't remember falling asleep, but I must've, because next thing I knew, I was waking up to the sun streaming through the window. Nicole was lying next to me, her eyes open, watching me. As soon as our eyes met, I said,
"I'm so sorry –" but she cut me off.
"Don't say you're sorry," she whispered. "I understand why you said everything you did. You were upset, and I get it. If it were you who had somebody else in love with them, I would be upset too. And…it's not like anything you said was a lie, anyways."
"But I am sorry," I said. "Just…hear me out before you interrupt, okay? I shouldn't have gotten all upset like I did; I should've known how upset you were already and taken the time to tell you that it's all going to be alright. I understand that you have to go back, that you can't quit. It's not your fault that he's in love with you. And…I'm sorry for saying that you don't keep your promises, because you do."
"No I don't," she said slowly.
"Yes, you do," I corrected. "Can I ask you something, though?" I asked suddenly. She nodded slowly. "Do you promise to answer honestly, since you always keep your promises?" She nodded again, looking confused. "If you…if it came to the point that Riddle told you to…well, you know…have sex with him," I cringed at the thought, and could see her visible flinch. "And not doing it meant you would blow your cover, would…would you?"
She swallowed and looked down, away from my face. I knew what was coming before she said it.
"I was thinking about that last night and…y-yeah, I think I would."
I know there was a hurt expression on my face. I couldn't contain it.
"I wish it were different, but…that-that's probably what I would do if I was placed in that situation."
I nodded slowly.
"Yeah…I thought that would be your answer. And…I guess I accept that. Just please promise me that you'll try as much as you can to get out of it, alright?" She nodded slowly.
"I promise." I pressed my forehead against hers gently.
"I love you, you know that, right?" I whispered. "Nothing will change that. Ever." She nodded again.
"I know," she whispered back. "And I love you more."
"Not possible," I said, smiling, before pressing my lips against hers gently and briefly, after which we both sat up and made to get ready.
"What are you doing today?" she asked after she had showered and thrown her hair into a fancy twisted bun, looking through her closet for something to change into. I shrugged, pulling my shirt off to change, and replied,
"Well, we have that meeting for work today at ten. That'll only take an hour or two. That's it, though; Sirius gave me the day off."
She nodded and continued. "I told Dumbledore that, sometime today, you and I would go with him to Grimmauld Place to check it out."
"Why do we need to check out Grimmauld Place?" I asked, confused. "Nobody's been there for eighteen or more years; it's probably gross and grimy."
"Well, last night Draco and I realized how annoying it was to have to come all the way from Honeydukes or the Shrieking Shack every time we come back, so I suggested that we use Grimmauld Place. I hope that doesn't bother you," she added, looking back over her shoulder at me. I shrugged.
"It doesn't bother me. But good luck getting Sirius on board."
"He may be Head Auror, but he's not head of the Order. That position belongs to Dumbledore."
"Yeah, I don't know," I corrected, pulling on a tie around my collar. "I think you're starting to take his spot." When she looked over at me, confused, I continued. "He always listens to whatever you say! Have you noticed that? If you tell him that you want to be the Secret Keeper, he'll let you." When I looked over my shoulder and saw the look on her face, I frowned. "You didn't ask to be Secret Keeper, did you?"
"Maybe," she said, cringing slightly. I sighed. "Look, it was Draco's idea, and it won't put me in anymore danger because we're going to tell them that Dumbledore is the Secret Keeper." Well, at least there's that.
"Alright," I said, exasperated. "I guess I can stand for that. But nothing else that'll put you in any more danger, alright?" She nodded, putting on some red heels and pulling a jacket over the dress she was wearing to the meeting.
"I promise. And I'll keep that promise." I finished tying my shoe and walked over to her, wrapping my arms around her waist and pulling her into another kiss. I moved in to deepen the kiss, but she put her hands on my chest and pushed back lightly.
"Alright, that's enough," she laughed. "We have to go now or we're going to be late to the meeting." I shrugged, moving in to kiss her again.
"We have a little less than ten minutes – that's enough time," I whispered, kissing her neck and sliding my hand down her back. She laughed but shook her head, pulling away and putting her hand on the hand I had on her back to stop it.
"Not now," she said sternly, although she was laughing. "Come on, we have to get going. Sirius is going to hate us if we're late." She grabbed my hand and pulled me from the room before I could make another move.
"Hey Nick," Harry said when he saw us. He wasn't the only one in the room. Mrs. Weasley, Lily, Scarlet, Hermione, Ron, Neville, Draco, Mad-Eye, Fred and George, and the children not yet in Hogwarts were all gathered around.
"Hey," Nicole replied. "What are all of you doing here? It's a Monday – shouldn't you all be in school or at work?"
"Either we don't have classes right now or were off today," Harry replied. "Are you guys off to the same meeting as Dad and the other Aurors?"
"Yep," she replied. "See you all later, then." She pulled me after her out of the room.
"Have fun," Lily called. I snorted.
"Ha, right, as if these meetings are fun."
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