Disclaimer: Everything you recognize belongs to JKR, anything you don't is mine.
A/N: Thanks to EVERYONE for the reviews!
I swear I'm trying to get back to at least updating every other week. But no promises, and I'm sooo sorry! I still love every reader!
Chapter 28
That night, my dreams swarmed of faces of those I loved. But they were bloodied, mutilated, lifeless. And somehow I knew it was all my fault.
Just like Sirius had said it would be.
I woke with a start several times to find it late at night or early in the morning, Regulus still sprawled out beside me, his arm draped lightly over my side, his hand resting on my stomach gently. I would roll over, bury my face in his chest, before falling back to sleep into a world of familiar screaming voices.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
When I finally woke up in the morning, I found Regulus still sound asleep. I couldn't bear to wake him up or lie there waiting for him to wake up with nothing to think about but those dreams, so I took a quick shower and headed downstairs to get some breakfast.
I knew I would have to do something to get my mind off of what Sirius had said. I knew he was one-hundred percent, completely and utterly right, both in the sense that it was true and it was appropriate to say it , but I couldn't bear to sit around and think like that by myself all day.
Thank Merlin I had to work, as did Regulus. The only problem with that was that Sirius would most likely be there, and I really didn't want to deal with him after everything he had said. But I couldn't avoid him forever.
When I entered the kitchen, I stopped in the doorway when I saw, among the usual faces, Bill Weasley and his newly-wed wife, Fleur.
"Hey Bill, Fleur," I said, alerting them to my presence. "What are you guys doing here?"
"It's getting really unsafe out there," Bill answered. "Mum asked Sirius, and he said that you had an open room, so we're going to come stay here too."
That brought the total number of people staying in this house to 23, including the children there. How would we all fit when Hogwarts was out, and Remus and the rest of the kids had to come stay? We would be taking turns sleeping on the floor and in the hallways. Maybe we would have to even enlarge this dang house somehow.
"I hope that's okay," Bill added, probably seeing the apprehensive look on my face. I shook my head quickly to clear it and replied quickly,
"Oh, it's fine! Sorry, I just got lost in thought there for a moment."
I took the empty seat across from Alice and Lily and whispered, "If anybody else shows up we're going to have to move back to the Room of Requirement."
"I'm just worried about once summer comes," Alice replied. "Where are all these kids going to stay?"
"We're going to probably have to take the time and energy to make everybody's house a safe house," Lily said. "It only makes sense."
"That's a waste of time," I said absentmindedly as I saw Fred and George, who had just come downstairs, greeting their brother behind Alice and Lily. "If we do that we should only do a few houses, the largest ones." I paused. "Personally I don't see why we can't just go back to the Room of Requirement. It gets as large as you need it to."
"Hey, Nick."
I jumped slightly at the sudden voice in my ear and turned to see Sirius standing behind me. I really didn't want to speak to him, but I wasn't about to be rude to him when Lily was right across from me and James not too far away. Technically, I was still underage, and had to do as they said, no matter how I felt about it.
"Could I speak to you?" He paused, looking at an interested Lily. "Alone," he added.
"Whatever you have to say to my daughter, you can say in front of me," Lily said.
"Trust me, Lily, it's nothing important," Sirius said. Lily huffed, but let it go as I stood up and followed Sirius silently to the hallway leading to the bathroom in the basement. I crossed my arms stubbornly and leaned against the wall.
"Look, Nick," he said quietly, his eyes meeting mine. "I'm really sorry, about…about what I said yesterday." I started to reply, but he kept talking. "It's just…I'm so stressed. I'm Head Auror, I'm supposed to be bringing in dark wizards left and right, but we haven't caught any, and…"
He made a sound of exasperation, turning around and running his fingers through his hair, yanking on it lightly.
"And yesterday, after the attack, I just let the stress get to me and took it out on you." He turned back to me, dropping his hands onto my shoulders and gripping them lightly. "I shouldn't have said what I did; it wouldn't be your fault –"
"But it would be," I interrupted. "I know so much more than any of the Aurors, and I don't even bother telling you. You could have caught all of the Death Eaters by now…"
Sirius laughed, causing me to glare at him.
"They would've known you told," he said, still laughing slightly. "And besides, they're not all dumb, some of them would've gotten away."
"But –"
"Don't you think for a second that it would be your fault, alright?" he said, shaking my shoulders slightly, trying to get the message through my head. Even though I did think it was my fault, and for much more than a second, I simply nodded and said,
"Alright. And I understand, I say a lot of stupid shit when I'm upset too." Sirius smiled and gave me a quick hug before he led me back to the kitchen, where everybody staying in the house was now eating. I pulled up a chair beside Regulus and Tonks, who seemed to be about ready to pop.
"When are you due again Tonks?" I asked after a few minutes.
"April 15th," she replied. "Although I'm hoping its sooner, not only am I annoyed with being fat, but I can't stand to sit around helpless for too much longer or I might explode."
Though she didn't know how much I understood, I really did. First off, I knew more than I could tell anybody, because they would act on it and Riddle would know. And that would have very detrimental effects. Second off, I was pregnant as well, though she didn't know that yet, and soon I would be unable to do a lot of things too.
I just dared to hope the war would be over before that day came.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
The only thing that happened at work was a tiny raid in a small Muggle town in Whales. Although a Dark Mark was left in the sky, nobody was even injured, let alone dead. There was only a few missing valuables, and several sightings of Wormtail, Rowle, and Selwynn.
When I had finished for the day late in the afternoon, I realized that it felt like years since I had last spoken to Severus or Dumbledore and decided to swing by Hogwarts to visit the two of them. I should probably get around to telling them both, especially Dumbledore, about the pregnancy.
I had originally planned on visiting Dumbledore first, thinking that maybe he would be able to shed some light on the whole pregnancy situation, but something made me visit Sev first. Maybe because he was one of my good friends, despite our now sudden age difference, and had been with me through a lot. I knew he wouldn't judge me based on the pregnancy, and I knew he would be one of the few to actually know right away that it's Regulus's.
I knocked on the door to his office lightly, and almost immediately his drawling voice called out,
"Enter." I did so, closing the door softly behind me.
"What do you want –?" he started, not even having looked up from the papers he was grading. But I didn't let him finish.
"Is that all you ever do?" I asked. "Grade papers?" He looked up sharply at the sound of my voice.
"Nick! You're alright!" he exclaimed. I narrowed my eyes.
"Of course I am," I said, sitting in the chair across from him. "Why wouldn't I be?"
"I heard about how you had the misfortune of finding Bellatrix in Diagon Alley yesterday," he said. "Heard she gave you a pretty good beating." I laughed humorlessly.
"Yeah, that's no lie," I said. "I still have the marks to prove it." I moved my finger lightly across my neck and then over my check absentmindedly, where there were scars from Bellatrix's dagger, though I could already tell they were fading. There was also still a very light mark where my temple had been bleeding.
"That witch is ruthless," Sev said, taking notice of my new scars. "I can't even begin to explain how much I…loathe her."
I didn't reply. I was too busy thinking, wondering, questioning. I didn't know if I should tell Sev before I told Dumbledore. But I wanted to. He was one of the few people, along with Harry and Regulus, who could always manage to make me feel better. Two of the three already knew, but Sev didn't, and I felt bad withholding it from him.
And I also wanted to tell somebody about what Sirius said who wouldn't try to kill him, like I knew Regulus and Harry would.
Severus narrowed his eyes.
"Are you alright?" he asked, noticing my silence and how strange it was for me to be quiet. I nodded slowly, still trying to decide if I should tell him or not, and he saw my pause. "Okay, now I know you're not alright," he said. "What's wrong?" I hesitated again, looking down at my hands.
"I…I'm pregnant."
Sev was silent. I didn't say anything – I didn't even look up at him.
I don't know why I was always so scared about what people's reactions would be. I'm probably just socially awkward or something.
"Well congratulations," he said after a moment. I looked up at him finally, shocked.
"What?" I asked, confused.
"What do you mean, 'what'? That's what you say when somebody get's pregnant, right?" I couldn't help but smile. "You weren't trying though, were you?" I shook my head.
"No, we're not stupid," I said. "Now would be a horrible time to get pregnant. It was just…by chance."
"So that's why you're upset?" he asked. I should've known that he would be able to sense it was something else.
"Well…not really, not anymore. I just felt like it was time that I told you. You're one of my closest friends, I'm about two months pregnant, and you didn't even know."
"Don't feel bad," he said. "I understand that you have a lot going on at the moment and you just haven't had time." He paused. "But if you don't tell me what's bothering you right now, I will force you to." I sighed, smiling slightly at his antics.
"It's just…yesterday, after the attack, Sirius came up to me and started telling me that I really should start finding out more about the Death Eaters' plans and telling him, and if I didn't and everybody died, it would be all my fault, and –"
"Don't tell me you believed him," Severus interrupted sternly. I cringed slightly and shrugged.
"I mean…wouldn't you, if you were me?"
"No!" he exclaimed. "First of all, nobody's going to die, we have this all under control, and second of all, it wouldn't be your fault at all!"
"But who knows how long we will have it under control! And if it screws up and people die, it'll be because I knew something but didn't feel the need to tell somebody who could do something about it."
"You're ridiculous; it wouldn't be your fault at all!"
"But –"
"Would you be the one that said the curse that took their life?"
"No, but –"
"Exactly, so it wouldn't be your fault!"
I was silent. While that was true, I knew that if any of that did happen, I'd still blame myself.
"Look, I know it's easy to blame yourself for something like that, but if that does happen, and I promise that it won't,you can't punish yourself over something you can't change anymore," he said in a kinder tone than before. "You're strong, you're one of the ones we can't win this war without, you can't let yourself break down over something like that or this war will probably be a failure."
I sighed, still not responding. I didn't want to admit that he was right, but he did propose a rather good argument.
"Look, I know you probably came here to talk to Dumbledore, so I'm going to let you go so I can finish grading papers, alright?" Severus said. I nodded curtly before making to leave. Before opening the door, I turned back to him and said quietly,
"Thanks, Sev." He smiled and nodded slightly as I left the room.
When I entered the Entrance Hall, I found that they were serving dinner and most of the students were in the Great Hall. Being as I really didn't want to see anybody I knew besides Sev and Dumbledore – even Draco and Harry could stay away for all I cared – I quickly darted away from the doors to the Great Hall and found myself hurrying up the stairs to his office.
But I was barely halfway up the first set of stairs when I heard somebody calling my name. I sighed, annoyed. I'm not going to lie, I was tempted to just ignore them, but when I recognized the voice I decided that I may as well take the time to talk to my own brother.
"Hey Nick, what're you doing here?" Harry asked when he was standing beside me. I saw Hermione and Ron trailing along behind him, but I started up the stairs again without waiting for the two of them to catch up.
"Oh, I just came to speak with Dumbledore."
"Why?" Harry asked, suddenly apprehensive. "Is everything alright–?"
"Its fine, I'm fine, everything's fine," I said quickly, cutting him off. He let out a sigh of relief, and I could see his whole body relaxing. He must've been so worried he tensed up. It was nice to know that, no matter how distant we become, he still worried about me, his little sister who was given so much more notice than him that she wouldn't blame him if he hated her.
"Then what do you need to speak to Dumbledore about?" Harry asked, now sounding merely curious.
"It's just…" I glanced back at Ron and Hermione and found them listening it. "Oh, it's nothing important. I just need to talk to him about the situation at Headquarters."
"What situation?" Hermione asked.
"Bill and Fleur moved in recently, and it's getting pretty crowded. I just want to ask him about putting protective charm on another house like the Burrow or something," I said simply. You're such a horrible person, I thought to myself. Why not just tell them the truth? Ron and Hermione will find out eventually anyway. But I just couldn't bring myself to tell them. Not yet.
"Oh," Ron said, obviously disappointed that it wasn't something more interesting.
"But besides the fact that it's crowded, how is everything at Headquarters?" Harry asked. I shrugged.
"Alright," I said. "I mean nothing extremely good or bad has happened. Tonks looks ready to pop though."
"It's going to be hard, raising a baby at a time like this," Hermione said in a quiet voice. "With everything going on right now. Especially because Lupin won't be there, and since Tonks is an Auror she'll have to be back to work pretty quickly afterward, won't she?" I shrugged.
"Well, maybe with everything going on, now is the best time to have a baby," I suggested. "Who knows if you'll have the chance when the war's over? God forbid, but one, if not both, of them might not survive."
"But that's more reason not to have a baby," Hermione said, now sounding slightly annoyed. "If one of them dies, then the other will be a single parent, and if they both die then that baby will be left an orphan."
I remained silent. She had a point, a point that I had yet to think of. I had accepted my imminent death – you can only betray Tom Riddle for so long before he realizes and kills you – but what if Regulus was killed too? What if he wasn't and had to raise the baby on his own? Would he be able to after loosing me? I know I wouldn't after loosing him…I would shut down if I ever lost him…
"Ron, Hermione, can I have a moment alone with my sister?" Harry asked, noticing my sudden silence and knowing what had caused it. His eyes searched my face nervously. "I need to speak with her for a moment." Ron and Hermione shared an inquiring glance before Hermione nodded and Harry pulled me off into a nearby hallway while they continued up the stairs, probably to the Common Room.
"Nicki, don't listen to Hermione," Harry said as soon as he had practically shoved me into an empty classroom and pulled the door shut behind him. "She doesn't know –"
"But that's all the more reason to believe her," I said quickly. "If she knew, she wouldn't have said what she really felt."
"Just because Hermione feels that way doesn't make it right," he said before I could say any more. "Personally, I agree with you, now is the best time to have a child if you're going to. But the thing is, you don't have to worry about not being around, because you and Regulus are as safe as you possibly can be –"
"Regulus is, you mean," I interrupted again. I think I have a problem with interrupting him. Harry looked at me, confused. "Regulus is safe, I'm not," I clarified. "Not being undercover, not being around Riddle all the time, not lying directly to his face every time I see him."
"Nothing's going to happen to you either, I promise," he said, pulling me into a tight hug. "I won't let anything bad happen to you, I swear." I nodded.
"I know." It went without me saying that I wouldn't let anything happen to him either. I already knew that he was aware of it.
"Everything's going to be alright in the end, I promise."
"But what if it's not?" I asked quietly after a moment of hesitation.
"Then you just haven't reached the end yet," he said before leaning back. "I suppose I should let you go get to Dumbledore since that's why you came here in the first place." I nodded, not saying anything, as he headed for the door.
Just before he opened it, he turned back for a second.
"Don't be a stranger, alright?" he asked. "I miss my little sister." I smiled slightly, hesitated, and then threw myself into his arms again.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, still holding onto him as if my life depended on it. "I'm sorry…I didn't realize…I miss you too, so much…" Harry was silent for a long moment, holding me tightly and running his hand down the ends of my hair slowly.
"I know," he replied quietly, still holding me. "I understand." He paused. "I love you, so much. I don't know what I'd ever do without you. I wonder how, in my other life, I ever won that war without you. I wouldn't ever be able to do it in this one."
"Shh. I love you too. You don't ever have to wonder that because you'll never have to deal with anything like that in this life, I promise." I leaned back, my arms still around his neck. He kissed my forehead gently before he left the room without another word.
As soon as the door shut behind him, I found myself sliding down one of the walls and sitting in fetal position, my back still against the wall. I wasn't going to cry, but I felt horrible.
How had I managed to cut out even my own brother, the one person who's been there with me through everything, from back in the other life, back in the 70s (even if only in spirit), until now? I felt like such a horrible person.
I didn't sit there for long before I stood up and headed out of the room. I wanted to get to Dumbledore's before the crowd of kids started coming up the Grand Staircase to get wherever they were going after dinner.
When I stepped back onto the stairs, I could see Harry toward the seventh floor. Being only on the third, he had gotten far. Down on the first floor I could see Johnny Longbottom with one of his friends starting up the stairs. I thought his friend looked familiar, but I couldn't place a name.
Come to think of it, I had cut Johnny out too. We used to be inseparable, but now I hadn't spoken to him for several months. But now wasn't the time to talk to him, I had other important business to deal with.
Apparently Johnny didn't agree. I assume from the moment he noticed me he started calling my name, rushing up the stairs to catch up. I tried to ignore him, to make him think it wasn't me, but it didn't work, and soon I felt his hands on my shoulders turning me to face him.
"Nicole, why are you ignoring me?" he asked as soon as I was facing him. But I wasn't listening to him. I had my eyes set on something else.
While I hadn't expected his practically unfamiliar friend to come with him, he had. And when I laid my eyes on that friend, I felt all the air rush out of my lungs as though I had been hit by a bus.
The "friend" who he had been walking with was Tom Riddle.
A/N: Like it? Love it? Hate it? Leave me a review to tell me your opinions! Constructive criticism is appreciated! You can even tell me what you'd like to see happen later in the story if you want.