I just have a few things to say before starting this chapter. First of all, we're halfway through the season now. Thank you for reading this far, I appreciate it and hope you continue until the story is over. Second, this chapter is a bit more mature than most of the others, but still not bad enough to be M rated. You've been warned, though. And finally, anyone who understands what the title is a reference to deserves a coaster for their drink. And now, without further ado...
Chapter 13: Why So British?
A few days after the telethon, Total Drama World Tour resumed. The fueled up plane flew north to the next destination. Chris went to First Class to talk to Team Amazon. "Hey there, girls! And Cody", he said. Heather groaned. "Okay, what is it?", she asked. "I'm gonna need you all to go sit in the economy class for a while. I have some business to conduct here, so get moving." The Amazons did so. Gwen sat down on a bench in economy class, and Courtney sat down on her hand by mistake. Gwen screamed in pain. "Ahh, sunburn! Oww!" Courtney got up and Gwen pulled her hand away. Gwen blew on her hand and Courtney frowned. "Sorry, Gwen... how did you get burned on just your hand, anyway?" "Ugh, I don't know!" "I have an idea." Courtney ran off, and came back carrying a bucket. "Here, soak your hand in this." "What is it?", Gwen asked. "It'll cool the burn. It's a special mix of green tea and bird guano." Gwen put her hand in. "I think it's working... wait, guano? Isn't that-" "A nicey-nice word for poop", Heather said. Gwen pulled her hand out. "Eww!" "Poop that's full of healing ingredients! I learned how to make it at CIT first aid weekend", Courtney said. "It's gross, but it helps, right?" "Ugh... yes. Well, thanks for being nice-ish." Gwen put her hand back in the mixture and Courtney smiled. Heather looked disgusted. "Bonding over poop juice? Ugh! Is there anyone sane left around here?" Cody raised his hand. "I guess that'll work."
Across the isle, Sierra was typing something on an open pizza box. "Tweeter update! Gwen's hand smells like Jamaican bird doodie. Cody is still cute. Uh... sixty seven characters. Seventy three left, what else can I say?", she asked herself. Noah cleared his throat and pretended to type. "Buying a life online, can't decide which cause they're all so much better", he said. "There. Seventy three characters exactly." Owen laughed and squirted milk out his nose, hitting Noah with it. "Dude, gross!" "Sorry, about the nose shake, Noah! Milk is the only thing that really cools off a mouth full of Jamaican peppers." Owen ate a handful of peppers, then took a swig of milk from a carton. Noah started mocking Sierra again. "Must learn how to make nose shakes like Owen. That'll impress Cody!", he said. Owen laughed, and squirted a pepper out his nose somehow. It hit Cody in the face, and Noah laughed.
Confession Cam: Owen
"Aww, my little buddy Noah is like the funniest guy I know, so makin' him laugh is awesome. It's like getting an A plus in hilarity! I wanna top his honor roll! ...Did that sound creepy?"
"Noah, check it out. I'll shoot a pepper out whichever nostril you pick!", Owen said. Noah rolled his eyes. "Yeah, cause one nose shake a day isn't enough", Noah said. Owen checked his carton. "Aww, but I'm outta milk!" "Hey, Courtney! How much of that poop juice have you got left?", Noah asked. Owen laughed while Courtney glared at Noah and Sierra stormed off.
Confession Cam: Sierra
"Okay, Noah may be a good leader, but if he's going to mock me, he isn't gonna be on this team much longer."
Sierra walked by first class on her way back to economy class, and overheard Chris talking to Chef. "It's perfect, he'll do anything to get what he wants! He'll take them out like a lion hunting a pack of chubby, asthmatic gazelles!", Chris said. "But what if he 'takes them out' takes them out?", Chef asks. "Legal says we're clear. Besides, the ratings from it would get us a bunch of hits online." Sierra peeked into first class and saw Chris and Chef standing in front of a cloaked man holding a knife. Sierra gasped and pulled away from the door. "Did you hear something?", Chris asked. After a second, Sierra turned back to the economy class, but the cloaked man was right in front of her. Sierra screamed and the man pulled her into first class.
Chef and Chris went back to the cockpit, and Chris turned on the intercom. "Attention, helpless competitors! We've been denied permission to land, so you're gonna have to jump! And, Chef may have miscounted parachutes, so you might wanna hurry and grab one while you can!" The teens ran to the elimination room and strapped into the parachutes, with Noah forced to share one with Owen and jumping out last. They all jumped and landed on a bridge with a double-decker bus on it. Lindsay gasped and hugged Cody. "Oh my gosh, we're in London! One of the culture capitals of the world!" Cody smiled. "I know. And let me guess, that means shopping?" "Aww, you know me so well." Lindsay kissed Cody. Finally, Owen landed on top of the bus. And on top of Noah. "Wow, that wasn't so bad, was it, Noah?" Noah grumbled something, muffled by Owen.
The contestants got on the bus, and Chef and Chris soon joined them. "Hey Chris, where's Sierra?", Owen asked. Chris looked around suspiciously. "Yes, where is she? The answer in a sec, but first, floor it, Chef!" Chef started driving, and Chris picked up a microphone. "London, home to loads of wicked stuff. Big Ben, the London eye, the sandwich stuffed with french fries known as the chip buddy. London's also home to Scotland Yard, the world's biggest crime busting outfit. But, there was one case even Scotland Yard couldn't crack: Jack the Ripper, the wacko serial killer who terrorized Victorian London. Today, you'll be tracking that bad boy down. But be careful, Jack's also hunting you. That's why Team Chris is Really Really Really Really Hot is now short a team member." Owen gasped. "What! The ripper got Sierra!" "Next stop, Tower of London!"
Heather turned around in her seat to face Gwen and Courtney. "Gwen, you're all dark and dangerous. What do you know about this Ripper guy?", she asked. "I know tons about him. I did a speech on him in grade six." Courtney smiled. "Wow, that's unexpectedly useful of you." Gwen grinned. "The librarian said my fascination was morbid, and occasionally offensive." "Funny. My grade six speech? The Tower of London." "Wow, we're like a nerdette dream team!"
Okay, question from the author for any readers in Canada. What's up with this "grade six speech" thing? I'm in America so I don't get it. The only speech I did in sixth grade was a book report for English class, not a research presentation. Enlighten me, please.
Chef drove to the tower, and the contestants got out of the bus, followed by Chris. "Your challenge is to follow a series of clues through the tower complex, all the way to the Ripper's secret lair", Chris explained. "Bag the criminal mastermind with these oversized sacks before he gets you, and you win. Your first clue will be found during the 'changing of the guard.' And when I say change, I mean changing clothes. Your first clue is hidden somewhere on each of the three guards in front of the tower. One of you has to strip him down to his gitch until you find it." The teens groaned, and some of the guys looked like they might throw up.
After a few minutes of complaining, the teams got to work. Bridgette stripped down the guard for Team Victory, Owen for Team Chris, and Courtney for Team Amazon. Courtney was the first to find a clue, and read it. "Pulled taught atop a southern spire... quick, follow me!" Courtney ran to the tower, with her team right behind her. Soon after, Bridgette found her clue. "Southern spire? Um... Okay, follow the other team!" She and Lindsay ran after the Amazons.
Team Amazon went to a torture chamber in the tower. Courtney gasped when they got there. "Oh my gosh, this is where Anne B. lived before Henry the Eighth beheaded her!" "What's with the creepy desk?", Heather asked. Chef walked up to them, dressed as an executioner. "It's a medieval torture rack. Pretty simple, really. To find your next clue, toss someone on and stretch them out." Chef laughed, and Gwen smirked. "I volunteer Heather!" "I second that motion!", Courtney said. "Hey!" Cody shrugged. "Well you are the tallest, the stretching should get done sooner", he said. Heather sighed. "Fine. Strap me in."
Back outside, Owen was stripping the guard down and put his hat on. "Hey Noah, check this!" Owen started talking in a very high pitch. "I say, I'm the queen! Oh, heavens! I think I ate too many royal beans at the royal luncheon!" Owen clenched and tried to fart. "Hold on stay with me here!" Noah sighed and took Owen's place by the guard. After a few minutes there was nothing left but his gloves and underwear. Noah sighed. "A pen in his pants pocket, lint in his socks, that's it! No clue! And no way am I searching his boxers." "We could find another guy to strip!", Owen suggested. He took his hat off and looked in it. "Hey, look, there's a clue in here!" Noah glared at him, and he smiled awkwardly. "Heheh... funny, right? I say, pip pip..."
Back inside, while Gwen and Courtney tied Heather up, Cody wandered off. "Hey Chef, do you have any restraining devices I can use on Sierra to keep her away from me? Chef? Chef, where'd you go?" He walked out into a hallway and saw someone in the distance. "Oh, there you are!" The person turned and ran at Cody, brandishing a knife. Cody screamed and tried to run, but collided with a wall. The person reached Cody and shoved him into a sack. In the torture chamber, Gwen was cranking the stretcher wheel. Heather screamed in pain. "You did that on purpose, you bitch!" Courtney smirked at her. "Every cloud has a silver lining!" Gwen and Courtney laughed and stretched Heather again. "Stop enjoying this, you cunts!" "Oh please, like you wouldn't do the same." "That's not the point!" After a few more stretches, a piece of paper popped out of the torture rack. "Hey, the next clue! Gwen, let's go!" Courtney and Gwen ran off, leaving Heather stuck on the rack. "Where do you think you're going! Get back here!"
Confession Cam: Gwen
"I know! Courtney! I never knew I'd even be able to tolerate her, but she's... deal-able. We even have stuff in common, which is like... the weirdest thing ever. If I tip over the edge and start making lists like she does, put ME on that torture rack."
Confession Cam: Courtney
"I know! Gwen! She's not a complete asocial freak after all. Sometimes she's even a good person to have on your team. Sometimes! You know, I wouldn't mind going against her in the final two. Obviously I'd still win, though. She's incapable of making a list!"
After Gwen and Courtney left, Lindsay and Bridgette wandered into the torture chamber. Bridgette walked over to Heather. "Where's the rest of your team? Why are you tied up on this thing?", she asked. Heather groaned in pain. "They stretched me on it to get the clue, and then left!" Bridgette frowned. "Aww, you poor thing..." She climbed on top of Heather and smirked. "You know, I never expected to be in this situation..." She kissed Heather, who blushed. "Maybe you can stay a little longer?" Lindsay backed away from the other girls. "Okay, this is getting freaky..." Bridgette blushed. "Exactly." Suddenly, a man wearing a cloak walked in. Lindsay went wide-eyed. "Umm, this isn't what it looks like! ...Oh, who am I kidding, yes it is." The cloaked man pulled out a knife and the girls screamed. He ran up and put the girls into a bag, and then dragged them away.
Later, Noah and Owen got to the torture room. "Well, this is an odd place to put the clue. What do we have to do, search everything?", Noah asked. Chef walked up to them, still dressed as an executioner. "Nah, you just gotta stretch someone on the torture rack until the clue pops out. By the way, did you guys see Team Victory on your way here?" Noah shook his head. "Alright then." Chef left and Noah got on the rack. Owen stretched him out until the clue appeared. Noah sighed. "Perfect. Okay, untie me and let's get going." Owen looked confused. "Um... how do I untie you, exactly?"
Gwen and Courtney went downstairs and entered the dining hall. "There's some kind of jewelry case on the table... I guess we go in and get it. Can it be that easy?", Courtney asked. Gwen shrugged. "Nothing we can do except find out." The girls walked in and went to the case. "Okay, where is it? Gold toothpick, emerald studded toothbrush... what is wrong with these royals and their dentistry?", Courtney asked. Gwen turned and gasped. "Ask the guard dogs!" A pack of corgis approached the girls, growling. "Hey, got anything round in the case?", Gwen asked. Courtney tossed her an egg shaped object. Gwen raised it above her head, and started tossing it back and forth in her hands. The corgis calmed down and watched it. "That's right, follow the shiny ball. Now, sit!" The dogs sat down. Courtney smiled at them. "Aww, so cute! How did you do that?" "I taught my lizards dog tricks. Training a normal dog is easier in comparison." Gwen twirled the egg thing and it opened up. "The clue!" Courtney grabbed the clue from the egg. "Let's hurry and finish this challenge! The Ripper's most natural place has two levels inside its space. Go use your sack to bring the guy back, at the red starting line to the race." Gwen scratched her chin. "Okay, the Ripper's natural place... if I remember right from my speech, he did his dirty work in White Chapel." "So we go there, and we look for a two story building! Come on!"
While the remains of Team Amazon went looking for the Ripper, the remains of Team Victory went into the dining hall. Owen held the corgis off while Noah looked for the clue. He laughed. "Hey Noah, check it out! It's a fur coat for animal lovers!" Noah rolled his eyes. Then, he found the clue and opened it. "The Ripper's natural place has two levels that make up its space... Sure, easy peasy." "Double decker bus?", Owen suggested. "Yeah... so there IS a brain in your head! You've been holding out on me." "Holding out? I TOLD you I smuggled some wieners off the plane!"
Gwen and Courtney got to White Chapel late in the evening. "I guess we forgot that most of White Chapel would be closed", Gwen said. "And that the only place open would be a grungy punk club", Courtney added. "I guess my hunch sucked. Sorry... we are so coming in last place!" "I don't wanna go back empty handed! We should fill the bag with SOMETHING..." Then, an announcer in the club started talking. "Welcome your number one German punk rock band, Der Schnitzel Kickers!" The audience cheered, and the girls walked in. They looked up onstage, and Courtney gasped. "Holy schnitzel! Is that... Duncan!"
Owen and Noah went back to the bus and looked around. "Here, Ripper Ripper Ripper... I have a lovely bag for you..." A cloaked man dropped down behind Noah and grabbed him, covering his mouth so he couldn't scream. Then, he jumped back up to the ceiling. Owen turned around and saw no one. "Huh?" He looked around and saw the cloaked man menacing Noah with a knife. He shoved him into the driver's box, and Noah screamed. Owen glared at him. "Nobody locks my little buddy in the corner!" He emptied the sack, and a bunch of corgis came out. "Royal beasts, sick him!" The corgis attacked Owen instead. "No no, stop! Back corgis! Oww! Oww, my wieners! I just smuggled those, stop eating them!" Owen kicked a sausage out of a corgi's mouth, and it landed in the cloaked man's arms. The corgis attacked him, and Owen shoved a bag over him. "Haha, gotcha!" Noah cheered. "Alright, Owen!" "Who's Jack the Ripper now, huh?" Owen bent over and farted at the bagged man.
The next morning, everyone got back on the plane, including the contestants the cloaked man had bagged. The teams stood by their bags, and Owen smiled. "Sweet, everybody's okay!" Heather nodded. "Yep! Everyone's fine. Thank goodness..." She walked over to Bridgette and hugged her. Cody hugged Lindsay and they started making out, and Sierra tried to hug Cody, but Lindsay pushed her away. Noah cleared his throat. "So, it's great that everyone's okay. But more importantly, we caught the Ripper type guy!" Owen removed the bag over the cloaked man, then took the cloak off and revealed Ezekiel. Everyone gasped. Chris and Chef walked up, and Chef nodded. "Found him living in the cargo hold with the rats. Darn kid just wouldn't accept losing." Ezekiel glared at Chef. "Why should I, eh? I lost first last season, and didn't even compete in season two! I want another chance, eh!" Chris sighed. "Dude, I was gonna let you back in the game if you avoided getting captured, but since you could not..." Chris snapped his fingers and Chef picked Ezekiel up. "No, no wait! You can't do this! This is whack, yo! Totally whack!" Chef carried Ezekiel away and threw him out of the plane.
"So, who did Courtney and Gwen catch?", Heather asked. "Well, Chris wanted a criminal, so... okay, we didn't catch the right one, but look!" Gwen pulled the bag away and revealed Duncan. Everyone else gasped and Duncan stood up, glaring at the girls. "I can't believe you brought me back here! I quit, remember? Ugh, where's the stupid exit again?", he asked. He tried to leave, but Chris blocked him. "Not so fast, quitter. Thought you could skip out on the game, eh? Thought I wouldn't find you?" "Um, you didn't, we did", Gwen pointed out. Chris nodded. "And you did a good job. You're safe from elimination tonight. Team Chris, since you guys caught the ripper, so are you. And Team Victory, who didn't catch anything, has to vote someone off. As a consolation prize, the D man is now on your team." Duncan sighed. "So, head to the elimination room and make your votes."
Confession Cam: Duncan
"I don't care what Chris says, he can't keep me here. I'll vote myself out just to piss him off. That should work."
Team Victory went to the elimination room, and Chris read the votes. "Okay, the lucky contestants who get to stay are Bridgette and... Lindsay! You guys seriously voted off Duncan!" Duncan smirked. "Actually I voted myself off. You are NOT gonna make me stay on your stupid singing show!" "Dude. I cut the singing part after you quit." Duncan went wide-eyed. "Wait, what?" "You just lost your chance at a million bucks, dude!" "What!" Chris threw a parachute to Duncan and Chef pushed him to the door. "No, you can't do this! I wanna vote again, this isn't fair!" "Too bad, man! Have a nice fall!" Chef pushed Duncan out of the plane, and Bridgette and Lindsay cheered.