Scene opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel and Monica are sitting at the table, looking through wedding magazines. Ross is sitting on the couch, reading a National Geographic.
Monica: Oh, here's an idea! At the end of the ceremony, we release a bunch of doves into the air signifying your-
Ross: No.
Monica: Okay, how about a hot air balloon in the shape of a-
Ross: No.
Rachel: Ross, you have been doing nothing for the last 2 hours but shoot down ideas. Don't you have anything better to say?
Ross: Okay, I wanted to surprise you with it, but for our honeymoon, I was looking into booking a Caribbean cruise for us, for a week.
Rachel screams.
Rachel: Ross, oh my god! That is the most romantic thing I have ever heard!
Monica: Okay, so how about fireworks that spell out-
Ross and Rachel: No!
Theme song and title sequence plays.
So no one told you life was gonna be this way.
Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA.
It's like you're always stuck in second gear.
Well, it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.
But, I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.
I'll be there for you, like I've been there before.
I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too.
Scene opens in Central Perk. Chandler, Phoebe, and Mike are sitting on the couch. Joey is sitting in the armchair. Annette is working at the counter.
Chandler: So how long do you think it'll be before Monica drives Ross and Rachel nuts with the wedding plans?
Mike: Knowing Monica, not long. I'm guessing we'll see them in here in a few minutes, trying to get away from her.
Chandler: And her pregnancy mood swings. Which reminds me, Phoebe: why aren't you having mood swings?
Phoebe: Oh, I am. They're just all happy mood swings right now.
Annette walks over.
Annette: Hey, sweetie.
Annette kisses Joey and sits down in his lap.
Phoebe: Awww…
Mike: I'm really happy for you guys. But I'll warn you right now, Joey: you do anything to hurt her and you'll answer to me.
Joey looks at Annette.
Joey: Are you SURE he's not your older brother?
Annette: Mom always said he was my cousin, but now I'm starting to wonder.
Mike: You remember Billy Dreskin at the 7th grade dance?
Annette: Hey, in my defense, he had to go climb the flagpole the next day to get his underwear back.
Enter Ross, Rachel, and Monica.
Monica: Come on, just imagine it! It'd look so stunning!
Ross: Monica, for the thousandth time, NO!
Monica: Why not? Can't you just picture it?
Ross: Yeah, and all the pictures come out as DOLLAR SIGNS.
Monica: Guys, will you convince these two that fireworks at their wedding spelling out "Ross and Rachel" in a heart is a good idea?
Rachel: Monica, I gotta agree with Ross: that DOES sound rather pricey.
Ross: And if I'm taking her on a Caribbean cruise, we can't afford an expensive wedding.
Monica: A Caribbean cruise?
Monica smacks Chandler.
Chandler: Ow! What was that for?
Monica: How come you didn't take me on a cruise for our honeymoon?
Chandler: We were feeding Joey, we couldn't afford it!
Monica: We're STILL feeding Joey!
Ross, Rachel, and Annette: Hey!
Monica: Okay, not as OFTEN…
Phoebe turns to Rachel.
Phoebe: Speaking of the wedding, what did your parents say when you told them you and Ross were getting married?
Rachel: Um…they were okay with it! Loved the idea.
A pause.
Monica: You didn't tell them yet, did you?
Rachel: …no.
Joey: Why not?
Rachel: Because you know how Daddy feels about Ross! Besides, he's still upset about me running out on Barry on our wedding day!
Monica: Rachel, that was TWELVE YEARS ago! Do you really think he's gonna hold it against you for that?
Rachel: Mon, it's DADDY. Need I say more?
A pause.
Monica: Point made.
Annette: I don't understand. What's so bad about your father?
Rachel: Daddy's a little…extreme when it comes to us. He's never really gotten over me leaving Barry at the alter on our wedding day, the Chloe incident, or my Vegas wedding to Ross.
Annette: Wow, sounds like a real hardass.
Ross: That's one way of putting it…
Rachel smacks Ross.
Ross: Ow!
Rachel: Be nice! He IS my father. And if we're lucky, maybe we can talk him into helping pay for the wedding.
Monica: Yeah! That way, you can have the fireworks!
Ross and Rachel: NO.
Annette looks at her watch.
Annette: I better get back to work.
Annette kisses Joey and smiles.
Annette: I'll see you when I get home.
Annette walks off. Rachel turns to Ross.
Rachel: How come we aren't more like that?
Monica, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Mike stare at Rachel.
Rachel: What?
Scene ends and opens in Joey and Annette's apartment. Joey is sitting in the chair, watching a movie. Enter Phoebe.
Phoebe: Hey, Joey.
Joey: Hey, Pheebs.
Phoebe: Whatcha watching?
Joey: Some movie called The Skeleton Key.
Phoebe: Ooh! What's it about?
Joey: I don't know, I just started watching it. You wanna watch it with me?
Phoebe: Sure!
Phoebe sits down in the chair.
Phoebe: This isn't a scary movie, is it?
Joey: Nah. It's probably one of those romance movies Rachel made me watch with her when she was living here.
Phoebe: Oh, okay.
Scene ends and opens in Joey and Annette's apartment. Joey and Phoebe are sitting in the recliners, staring fearfully at the TV.
Joey: Oh my god!
Phoebe: I know! What if everyone we know had their body stolen?
Joey looks at Phoebe, wide-eyed.
Joey: Then that means we can only trust each other!
Scene changes to the hallway between apartments 19 and 20. Annette is crouching next to the door to 19. Enter Rachel.
Rachel: Hey, Annette.
Annette: Sshh! Keep your voice down!
Rachel: Why, what's going on?
Annette: Joey and Phoebe just finished watching The Skeleton Key.
Rachel: What're you up to?
Annette: Nothing! Do you honestly think me so low as to prank my boyfriend?
Rachel glares at Annette.
Rachel: Do I even NEED to answer that?
Annette: …no.
A pause.
Annette: Okay, so here's the plan.
Annette pulls Rachel to the stairs, and begins whispering in her ear. Scene ends and opens in Joey and Annette's apartment. Joey is sitting on the couch, reading Green Eggs and Ham to Huggsie. Enter Annette.
Joey: Hey, honey.
Annette: Right, I'm ANNETTE.
Joey: What was that?
Annette: Nothing. How was your day?
Joey: Pretty good. Watched a movie with Phoebe. How was work?
Annette: Long. This lady came in wanting us to buy a dress for…
Joey: Buy a what?
Annette: I mean, it was good!
Joey: Annette, what's going on?
Enter Rachel.
Rachel: You! Give me back my body!
Annette: I didn't take it from you!
Rachel: Yes you did!
Annette: No, I didn't!
Rachel: Then explain why I'm in your bra-stuffing body!
Joey looks between Rachel and Annette, and gasps.
Joey: Oh my god! You two switched bodies!
Rachel: Yeah! And I need help to get mine back from that bra stuffer, before she ruins it!
Annette: Hey, you think it's any fun seeing my butt jiggle every time I walk by a mirror? You need to lose weight! In fact, as long as I HAVE your body, I think I'm gonna take up a gym membership!
Joey: I gotta call Phoebe!
Joey runs into his room, and slams the door. Rachel and Annette burst into giggles.
Annette: He's gonna be jumping at shadows before we're done.
Rachel: I know.
Annette: Did you talk to Ross yet?
Rachel: No. I thought it'd be more fun for us to mess with Joey, just the two of us.
Annette claps a hand on Rachel's shoulder.
Annette: I have trained you well.
Rachel: So who do you wanna mess with now?
A pause.
Annette and Rachel: Phoebe.
Annette and Rachel leave. Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross is lying face down on the couch, face buried in a pillow. Monica is pacing the floor behind him.
Monica: And then we release the doves, as fireworks go off in the background and the orchestra hits the climax of their music.
Ross (into the pillow): No.
Monica: Okay, fine. We have snow fall from a snow maker, as you and Rachel kiss at the altar.
Ross (into the pillow): No.
Monica: All right, we can have a prism shoot a rainbow-
Ross (into the pillow): No.
Monica: Ross, dammit, work with me here! You shot down the bunnies running through!
Ross raises his head.
Ross: Monica, does the word "budget" fit ANYWHERE in your vocabulary, when it comes to this wedding?
Monica: No.
Ross: We can't have a big wedding! We told you that!
Monica: Ross, you had your big day, twice! Rachel deserves a big day! It needs to be GLORIOUS.
Ross: And it's not "glorious" if it's not expensive, huh?
Monica: EXACTLY.
Ross: You realize that anything "big" is gonna overshadow Emma, right?
Monica: So? This is her parent's big day. She'll be fine.
Ross: She'll be scarred for life!
Monica: Scars, schmars. She's 2 years old, she'll get over it. Besides, she'll be too busy squealing at the unicorns.
Ross groans, and buries his face into the pillow again.
Ross (into the pillow): Unicorns?
Monica: Sure. We get some antelope horns, and attach them to horses. Then we lead the unicorns into the reception area…
Ross (into the pillow): No.
Monica: And some ponies with horns on them for the kids…
Ross groans. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Phoebe is sitting on the couch. Enter Rachel and Annette.
Rachel: Phoebe! Oh, thank God you're here! We need your help.
Phoebe: Joey called me. Are you two all right?
Annette: I'm fine, except for watching my butt jiggle every time I walk by a mirror.
Rachel: Hey, you think I like looking down at a chest that's flatter than a pool table?
Phoebe: Yep, you two are in different bodies. What happened?
Rachel: I don't know. I woke up this morning, right next to Ross, and had to resist the urge to scream.
Annette: And what were you and Joey doing last night? I woke up next to him. Even during the time I was dating him, we never slept together.
Rachel: We were tired!
Phoebe: Oh my god, you and Joey slept together?
Rachel: Phoebe, bigger problem.
Phoebe: Forget the problem, you two were sleeping together?
Rachel: Joey doesn't want that to be public yet! And besides, I want my body back before that bra stuffer decides she needs to take a gym membership!
Annette: And if you go through with that implants idea, I'm gonna have your butt liposuctioned!
Rachel: Don't you DARE touch my butt!
Annette starts rubbing her butt.
Annette: Oh, look at that! I'm touching it!
Rachel: That's NOT what I meant, and you know it!
Enter Chandler.
Chandler: Hey, guys.
Chandler kisses Annette.
Chandler: Hi, honey.
Phoebe: Chandler! Monica's gonna kill you when she finds out you kissed Rachel!
Chandler: What? Am I not allowed to kiss my fiancée when I see her?
Phoebe gasps.
Phoebe: Oh my god! Ross, is that you?
Chandler: Yeah.
Phoebe: What happened?
Chandler: I don't know, I woke up this morning in Chandler's body. And let me tell you, it's a shock to be waking up next to your sister. I don't think the scars from that will be fading anytime soon.
Rachel: Like it's any better to be waking up in this bra stuffer's body.
Chandler: Hey, I know for a fact she doesn't stuff her bra.
Enter Ross.
Ross: Hey.
Phoebe: Chandler?
Ross: Yeah.
Phoebe: Oh my god! I hope Mike's all right.
Enter Mike and Monica.
Mike: Chandler?
Chandler points at Ross.
Chandler: Right there.
Mike: Hi, honey.
Mike grabs Ross's face and kisses him.
Ross: What the hell, Mike? You're married to Phoebe!
Mike: Don't tell me you don't recognize your wife! I'm hurt!
Phoebe: Monica?
Mike: Yeah. And it's interesting to be in a man's body. Feels weird.
Phoebe looks at Monica.
Phoebe: And you're in that one, Mike?
Monica: Yep.
Monica moves toward Phoebe. Phoebe jumps up.
Phoebe: Don't you touch me in her body! I have to go see Joey!
Phoebe runs out the door. The gang bursts out laughing.
Annette: This has to be the best prank I ever came up with.
Rachel: I don't know. The one where you got Joey thinking he was still dreaming was pretty good.
Chandler: Not to mention, you got him to kiss Janice. Never in a million years, did I think I'd see that.
Ross: Speaking of kisses…
Ross turns to Mike.
Ross: Did you SERIOUSLY have to kiss me? I'm gonna be scrubbing my lips with steel wool and bleach for a week!
Mike: Well, I'm sorry! But I was trying to stay in character. Do you know how hard it is to pretend to be a woman in a man's body?
Monica: No harder than it is to pretend to be a man in a woman's body.
Chandler: Just remember all the things you picked up hanging around Joey, you'll be fine.
Monica: Strip clubs, and eating. Got it.
Ross: I'm not so sure it's a good idea to be pranking a pregnant Phoebe.
Monica: Why not? I'm pregnant, and I'm fine with it.
Ross: Okay, two things: one, you're on the GIVING end, not receiving. And two, YOU don't threaten people with a pork chop for their cash when you're upset.
Annette: When did Phoebe do that?
Mike: Three days ago, in Central Park.
Chandler: Wait a second…Ross; didn't you go taking a walk in the Park a few days ago?
Ross: Yes.
Monica: Yeah, and didn't you say you got mugged by a woman with a pork chop?
Ross: …yes.
Annette laughs.
Annette: Oh my god, you got mugged by Phoebe!
Monica: Again.
Ross: Shut up, YOU try dealing with her when she's in Street Phoebe mode!
Monica: Okay, you got a point there.
Annette snickers.
Annette: Mugged by Phoebe…
Ross glares at Annette. Scene ends and opens in Joey and Annette's apartment. Joey is in the living room, ducked against the counter. Enter Phoebe.
Phoebe: Joey!
Joey jumps up with a frying pan in his hands.
Joey: It's my body!
Phoebe screams, as Joey starts screaming back.
Phoebe: JOEY!
Joey: PHOEBE!
Phoebe: DON'T DO THAT!
Joey: OKAY! WHY ARE WE SCREAMING?
Phoebe: BECAUSE YOU SCARED ME!
Joey: SORRY!
Phoebe: SO STOP SHOUTING!
Joey: OKAY!
Joey lowers the frying pan, as Phoebe leans on the counter.
Joey: So what's up?
Phoebe: Oh, well, I figured the first thing I'd do is recover from this HEART ATTACK YOU JUST GAVE ME!
Phoebe starts to beat on Joey.
Joey: Ow, ow, ow! I said I was sorry!
Phoebe: I'm pregnant, you numbskull! And you probably scared the baby, as well as me!
Joey: I thought you were the body swapper!
Phoebe: Well, why didn't you say something?
Joey: Because if you WERE the body swapper, I'm not gonna make it easy for you to find me to steal my body!
Phoebe: Actually, that makes perfect sense. Sorry, Joey.
Joey: It's all right. So what's up?
Phoebe: The others had their bodies swapped! Chandler got swapped with Ross, and Mike got swapped with Monica!
Joey: Wait, so Mike is in Monica's body now?
Phoebe: Yeah!
Joey: I wonder if he's squeezed his chest yet…
Phoebe smacks Joey.
Joey: Ow!
Phoebe: That's my husband you're talking about! The only chest he's squeezing is mine, thank you!
Joey gasps.
Phoebe: What?
Joey: I just realized: we're the only ones who haven't been swapped yet!
Phoebe: Oh my god, you're right! We gotta hide!
Joey: We'll barricade ourselves in my room! They can't get at us in there without us knowing about it!
Phoebe: Good idea!
Phoebe and Joey run into Joey's room and slam the door. Scene changes to the hallway between apartments 19 and 20. Annette is leaning against the door, Rachel standing behind her.
Rachel: What happened?
Annette (laughing): They just ran into Joey's room, and slammed the door. I don't think they'll be coming out for days.
Rachel: Think we should tell them we're ordering a pizza, and watching a movie at our place?
Annette: Nah. Let's leave them be. I'm having too much fun.
Rachel laughs, as she and Annette enter apartment 20. Credits roll.
CREDITS SCENE
Scene opens in Phoebe and Mike's apartment. Phoebe is sitting in bed, reading a book. Enter Mike.
Mike: Hey, honey.
Phoebe: Who are you?
Mike: It's me, Mike. The guy you married?
Phoebe: How do I know it's really you?
Mike: Well, why don't we turn the lights off, and I'll prove it to you?
Phoebe giggles, and places her book on the nightstand.
Mike: By the way, Pheebs, I loved the time we spent as roommates, before Rachel moved in.
Phoebe screams.
(A/N Sorry about last week. When the Rally hits, there are over 100k bikers in the area, for a week of partying & hell raising. This also means enough racket to wake the dead, & no sleep for me. IDK why they say the Rally is only a week long, they forget the week for them to GET here, & the week for them to LEAVE (the week we're on right now). So barring any more bikes roaring in (God forbid), we'll be rolling right along into more of Season 12. Strap yourselves in; it's gonna be a hell of a ride.)