(A/N Credit goes to FriendsShow on Twitter for the tiger toe grabbing bit.)
Scene opens in Central Perk. Monica, Chandler, and Rachel are sitting on the couch. Joey and Annette are sharing the armchair. Ross and Phoebe are sitting on the chairs at the end table. Mike is sitting by the counter.
Joey: Hey, did you guys see that HBO documentary the other night, called "Superheroes"?
Ross: No, I was grading papers.
Chandler: I would have, but I was busy.
Monica: What? You were not! What were you doing?
Chandler: …stuff.
Monica: You were watching the game and tweeting about it with Ross!
Chandler: …was not.
Phoebe: Why are you asking?
Joey: Well, because these guys go out and commit heroic deeds night after night, just because they can. I was inspired by this.
Annette: The only things you're inspired to do are eat and watch Baywatch.
Joey: Hey, I don't see you arguing when I order a large New York style!
Rachel: So why did you mention this?
Joey: Because I wanna get the BLT Gang back together.
Chandler: Okay!
Annette: No! NO WAY am I wearing that outfit again, Tribbiani!
Joey: Actually, I was gonna ask Rachel if she wanted to wear it this time.
A pause.
Annette: To the Baconcave! There's crime to be stopped!
Annette, Chandler, and Joey run out the door. Theme song and title sequence plays.
So no one told you life was gonna be this way.
Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA.
It's like you're always stuck in second gear.
Well, it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.
But, I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.
I'll be there for you, like I've been there before.
I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too.
Scene opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. Rachel and Monica are sitting at the table. Mike is sitting in the chair.
Monica: It's been six hours! Where are they?
Rachel: Calm down, Mon! They're all adults, they'll be fine.
Monica: HELLO. This is Joey and Chandler we're talking about! You DO remember Joey and Chandler?
Rachel: Annette's with them.
Monica glares at Rachel. A pause.
Rachel: Honey, can you turn on the news?
Ross reaches for the remote. Enter Joey, Chandler, and Annette, looking disheveled.
Monica: Oh my God! What happened to you guys? And why is Joey not wearing pants?
Annette and Chandler glare at Joey.
Annette: You wanna answer that one, fearless leader?
Joey: No. She'll hurt me.
Monica: SOMEONE better be answering me soon!
Chandler: Or what?
Monica: YOU won't be getting any tonight.
Ross: I didn't need to know that!
Monica points to Joey and Annette.
Monica: As for you two…
Annette: You can't do anything to us.
Monica: Wanna bet?
Monica turns to Phoebe.
Monica: Phoebe, they shopped POTTERY BARN.
Phoebe: They WHAT!
Annette: Rachel! You swore on that stack of Vogue magazines you wouldn't tell!
Rachel: I'm sorry, but she forced it from me!
Annette: How?
Rachel: …a pair of Gucci boots.
Phoebe stands up, as Joey and Annette start backing for the door.
Phoebe: Rachel, do you have a paddle, or a cutting board?
Rachel: I think we have a board. Why?
Phoebe: PHOEBE SMASH!
Annette: You know, I think I left the stove on.
Joey: Yeah, and I think I left Huggsy near the stove.
Joey and Annette start running for the door.
Phoebe: Freeze!
Joey: If we stay, do we get hit?
Phoebe: No.
Annette: Oh, good.
Phoebe: You get…this!
Phoebe turns to Ross.
Phoebe: Ross, what was the difference between the Jurassic and the Cretaceous periods?
Ross: Well, the major differences between the two ages can be recognized in-
Chandler: Joey tried to grab a tiger by its toe!
Monica: You did WHAT?
Joey and Annette: Chandler!
Chandler: Hey, I can handle being cut off from sex. But there is NO WAY I am listening to one of Ross's dino lectures!
Monica and Phoebe start smacking Joey.
Joey: Ow! Ow! Ow! Stop it!
Phoebe: No! You tried to grab a tiger by its toe! Why would you do that to the poor tiger!
Joey: Chandler told me to!
Monica: You WHAT!
Chandler: I did not! I told him to use the Eenie Meenie Miney Moe method to pick which direction to go! HE was the one who decided he needed to go to the Central Park Zoo and grab a tiger by the toe.
Joey: Well, that's what the game said to do.
Mike: Wait, hold on. You went ALL the way to the Central Park Zoo to grab a tiger's toe because of a child's game?
Joey: Yeah.
Mike: Where was Annette while this decision was going on?
Annette: Inside a c-store, getting a drink, and getting hit on.
Joey: Wait, he was hitting on you? You told me he was asking for directions!
Annette: He was staring at my chest! Are you seriously trying to tell me you didn't notice that?
Rachel: Okay, before Joey and Annette get into an argument, I need to ask: Joey, what happened to your pants?
Joey: I took them off to throw at the security guard chasing us.
The gang stares at Joey.
Joey: What?
Ross: You took your PANTS off to throw at someone CHASING you?
Joey: Hey, you're not gonna go chasing someone who just threw a pair of pants at you!
A pause.
Chandler: You know, he's got a point.
Ross: Yeah. I really can't argue that one.
Monica: Joey, what the hell were you THINKING? You could've been mauled by that tiger!
Joey gasps.
Joey: You mean little Joey…?
Monica: Would have been NO Joey. That was the stupidest thing you've ever done! Do you even STOP to think about your actions?
Everyone stares at Monica in shock. Joey glares.
Joey: Fine. If that's the way you feel about me and my "stupid actions", then I'm leaving while I still have my dignity.
Joey walks to the door in his SpongeBob boxer shorts, grabs a cookie, and takes a bite.
Joey (mouth full): And I'm so upset, I can barely eat this cookie!
Joey exits. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Rachel, Phoebe, and Mike are sitting on the couch. Monica is sitting in the armchair. Ross and Chandler are sitting in the chairs at the end table. Annette is working behind the counter. Ross is reading National Geographic.
Ross: Hey, here's an interesting fact. Apparently, a primitive tribe in Africa was recently discovered using-
Chandler snores.
Chandler: Oh, sorry. You were just boring me to sleep over here.
Rossglares at Chandler.
Phoebe: Has anyone seen or heard anything from Joey today?
Rachel: Not since he stormed out of our apartment after what SOMEONE said to him…
Thegang glares at Monica.
Monica: What? He could have been seriously hurt or even killed by that tiger! I think he deserved the scolding he got.
EnterJoey in a suit and tie. Everyone gaspsand stares.
Ross: JOEY!
Joey: Oh, good afternoon.
Joeywalks over to the counter.
Joey: Gunther, may I please have a regular coffee to go?
Gunther: Uh, sure.
Joey: Thank you.
Gunthersets down a cup and muffin.
Gunther: Here you go.
Joey: What's this?
Gunther: A muffin.
Joey: But I didn't order a muffin.
Gunther: It's on the house.
Joey: Oh, no thank you. Perhaps my friends would like to split it.
Mike: Did…did he just turn down FREE FOOD?
Phoebe: I think he did!
Annette: Who are you, and where's the REAL Joey?
Joey smiles.
Joey: Well, I better get to the set. Thank you, Gunther. Good day, everyone.
Joey exits. Annette glares at Monica.
Monica: What?
Annette: WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY BOYFRIEND!
Monica: I didn't do anything! Although I DO like the new look and attitude…
Annette points at Monica.
Annette: Reverse your spell, witch!
Monica: I didn't cast a spell!
Phoebe: Ooh! What if she IS a witch, but she's a good one, like one from the Wizard of Oz?
Annette: If she's good, she'll give me back my Joey.
Monica: I'M NOT A WITCH!
Annette: I'll be watching you.
Annette points at Monica. Scene ends and opens in Joey and Annette's apartment. Annette and Rachel are sitting in the chairs, watching Days of our Lives.
Rachel: You have to be the luckiest woman on the planet.
Annette: Why?
Rachel: You're dating Dr. Drake Remoray. Just about every woman in the world would kill to be you.
Annette: You dated him, too.
Rachel: DATED. Past tense.
Annette looks over at Rachel, smiling.
Annette: You're crushing on Joey!
Rachel: I am not! Just…maybe a little on Drake Remoray…
Annette giggles. Enter Joey.
Annette: Hi, honey.
Joey: Hello, darling.
Rachel: Hey, Joey.
Joey: Oh, I didn't realize we had company.
Joey kisses Rachel's hand. Rachel blushes. Annette glares at Rachel.
Rachel: What?
Annette: Stop blushing!
Rachel: I'm not blushing!
Annette: Oh, please. Your face is redder than my hair.
Rachel glares at Annette. Annette turns to Joey.
Annette: What're you doing home already?
Joey: Oh, I thought I'd take a shower and change clothes before I go back out.
Annette: Go where?
Joey: I volunteered my time to help the production team tonight. If you charming ladies will excuse me…
Annette: Hold it! What the hell's going on, Joey? Three days ago, I had trouble getting you to remember to put the seat down, and now you're wearing suits, talking sophisticated, volunteering, and turning down free food?
Rachel: You got him to remember to put the seat down? How did you do that? I STILL can't get Ross to remember to do that!
Annette: Later. (to Joey) So? What's going on?
Joey: I realized Monica was right. I spend too much time goofing off, and not thinking about the consequences of my actions. So now, I'm going to do things that are safe, and grown up. Now, if you charming ladies will excuse me, I need to change.
Joey exits to his room.
Annette: Where's Monica?
Rachel: Over at our place, going over wedding plans with Ross.
Annette: Have some bail money ready for me.
Rachel: Why?
Annette: Because I'm going to KILL her!
Annette storms out. Scene changes to Ross and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Ross are sitting at the table, looking over a wedding brochure.
Monica: So I'm thinking we could ask about this loca-
Enter Annette, fuming.
Annette: YOU.
Monica and Ross look at one another, and then at Annette.
Ross: Her or me?
Annette: HER.
Monica: What?
Annette charges forward and begins hitting Monica.
Annette: You corrupted my boyfriend!
Monica: Ow, ow, ow! Stop hitting me!
Annette: No!
Monica: Ross! A little help, here!
Ross remains seated.
Monica (sarcastically): THANK you, brother. I love you, too.
Ross: Would YOU get between Annette and her target?
A pause.
Monica: Point made.
Annette: Do you know why Joey's been wearing suits, acting all "mature", and turning down free food?
Monica: No. Why?
Annette: Because of what you said to him!
Monica: What?
Annette: You turned him into this…robot!
Monica: He's more responsible now, and thinking of others!
Annette: I don't want a robot! I want my boyfriend!
Monica: Annette, he's thinking about his actions!
Annette: HE'S NOT JOEY!
Ross: Annette…
Annette: No, you know what? You're right.
Annette walks to the door, and turns back to Monica.
Annette (voice breaking): Congratulations, Monica. You killed the man I love. I hope you can live with that.
Annette leaves. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Joey is sitting on the couch, looking over numerous tax forms. Enter Monica.
Monica: Hey, Joey.
Joey: Oh, hi, Mon.
Monica: What're you doing?
Joey: The coffee shop is being audited, so I offered to go over these tax forms for Gunther for the last 8 years.
Monica: YOU'RE going over them? Joey, you get mesmerized over the Count from Sesame Street counting!
Joey: I liked his accent!
Monica sits down on the couch.
Monica: Annette told me why you're doing this. And while I really enjoy seeing you in a suit, I don't want you to do this.
Joey: Monica, you were right. I'm reckless, stupid, and I never take the time to think about my actions. I need to grow up.
Monica: No! No you don't, Joey! Sure, you've done some stupid things in your time, you can clean a fridge of food I wouldn't feed to a toxic waste dump, but you've also got a big heart. You opened your house to a complete stranger, and gave her a place to live. You even fell in love, and entered a committed relationship with her! And that woman wants the goofball she fell in love with back.
Joey: But you said-
Monica: Joey, I'm pregnant. I have pregnancy hormones, and they can get the better of me. When I was yelling at you, you know what I saw?
Joey shakes his head.
Monica: You, in jail. Or worse: dead. All I saw was that image, and me having to explain to your family why you were dead. As well as explaining to Jack and Erica why Uncle Joey was playing with the angels in Heaven. I couldn't shake that image, and I blew up at you because I was scared. I shouldn't have done that. And I'm sorry.
Monica grabs Joey's hand.
Monica: Joey, Annette's upstairs right now, crying in your apartment, because she thinks the goofball she loves is gone forever. And for all I know, she may be right. But if you love her at all, and if you love us, please stop being this person you think we want, and be the goofball we love.
Joey hugs Monica.
Joey: Thanks, Mon.
Monica stands up.
Monica: I gotta go to work. I'll see you later.
Joey: Okay. Oh, hey Monica?
Monica: Yeah?
Joey: Does Chandler know anything about taxes?
Monica: Not a thing. We've been using a tax place to do ours since we got married.
Monica exits. Joey stands up and runs for the counter.
Joey: Uh, Gunther…!
Scene ends and opens in Joey and Annette's apartment. Annette is sitting in her chair, reading Mother Goose to Chick and Duck Jr.
Annette: Wee Willy Winkie ran through the town. Upstairs, downstairs, in his nightgown! (to Chick and Duck Jr.) Sounds a lot like Daddy, doesn't it?
Duck Jr. quacks.
Annette: Yeah, you're right. The cops SHOULD arrest him.
Enter Joey in a flannel shirt and Bermuda shorts.
Joey: Hey, hon.
Annette: Hey Jo-
Annette looks up and stars laughing.
Annette: Oh my god, what happened to your suit?
Joey: I had to return it to Wardrobe. They weren't very happy about me taking it without checking it out, but they let me go through the Leftover Clothes box. This was the only stuff that would fit.
Annette: What did the cab driver say?
Joey: I took the subway home.
Annette: What did the people on there say?
Joey: I told them I was deciding where to go for my vacation. Got quite a few suggestions, too.
Joey pulls a wad of papers from his pocket and throws it on the counter.
Joey: Listen, Annette, I just wanted to apologize for the way I've been acting the last few days.
Annette: Joey, I-
Joey: Let me finish. Monica's words made me think that I needed to grow up and start acting like an adult, because people were tired of me being a goof off. I figured if I acted sophisticated and talked like Ross, I'd be treated like an adult, and I might start believing it, myself. But I didn't. I hated every second of it, but I wanted people to see me as an equal. I just didn't realize I was hurting the one person I love the most by changing myself. I'm sorry, Annette.
Annette: Joey, I don't care what you wear, or how you act. I love you for who you are: the goofball. I don't want you to be an emotionless robot; I want you to be YOU. Okay? THAT'S who I love: Joseph Francis Tribbiani.
Joey winces.
Annette (giggling): Sorry. Just…don't ever change who you are again.
Joey: I won't.
Joey kisses Annette passionately.
Joey: I love you, Annette.
Annette: I love you, too, Joey.
Joey: Hey, you wanna watch Terminator?
Annette: Nah, I'm pretty tired. I think I'll go to bed.
Annette begins walking toward Joey's room.
Joey: Uh, Annette…that's my room.
Annette (smiling): I know.
Annette winks, and walks into Joey's room. Joey runs to the door, and opens it.
Joey: I'm gonna have sex!
The door to 20 opens, an arm appears, and flings a condom.
Joey: Thanks, Ross!
Ross gives Joey a thumbs up, and slams the door. Credits roll.
CREDITS SCENE
Scene opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Joey and Annette are standing in the kitchen, dressed as Pebbles and Bam-Bam.
Joey: Looks like they're out of ice.
Annette: How can they be out of ice? They have a huge tray in there. NO ONE uses that much ice in a day!
Joey glares at Annette.
Annette: Oh, right.
Joey: Well, I put ice trays in the freezer.
Annette: We'd have a working ice machine if SOMEONE hadn't been messing with it.
Joey: Hey, I am not paying someone $40 to turn a screw and make the machine work! I can do that, myself.
Annette: You shot a cube across the apartment!
Joey: You gotta admit, the banking off the hockey table was pretty cool.
Enter Ross and Rachel from their bedroom. Ross is dressed as Indiana Jones. Rachel is dressed as a sexy cavewoman.
Ross: What's all the racket ou-?
A pause.
Joey: Um, we're just gonna-
Rachel: Yeah, we'll just-
Annette: You guys didn't see-
Ross: Not if you didn't see-
Joey: Okay, we'll just, uh…
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross and Rachel run back into their bedroom, as Joey and Annette run out the door.