"I'll never hurt you" Colonel O'Neill promised kissing the back of my neck. It's a soft tender kiss of reassurance that reflects anguish inside him.
"Never again" he finishes and now he is more distant than before.
It's strangely startling to hear this depth of emotion surface now.
Everything about this is startling.
That he did this. That he seems changed. That I'm crying openly in front of my commanding officer as he cradles me in his arms and swears he'll never rape me again.
That thought seems the most startling, but I believe him.
Because after everything that has happened. After all the betrayal I'd felt. The most disturbing fact to me was that when he'd done that, he wasn't himself. He had been distant and then as if someone had flicked a switch he became aggressive and enraged purely because I had said Charlie's name. And now I feel like it is really him. Not Colonel O'Neill that I worked with everyday and who instructed me and protected me as part of his Job; But Jack. I feel like it is really him holding me in reassurance because in this situation I need to be held in reassurance that this atrocity wouldn't happen again.
Asking if it was Charlie on his mind, wasn't too personal. He's spoken to me about Charlie before and somehow I know that he was drawing on that as a means to expel frustration at a time that was hard for him.
A time… he had been strange all day, not violent or enraged but definitely distant.
"Sir" I speak as I close my hand over his, stopping the hand mid stroke. "What happened to you that day?" I ask squeezing his hand, it's warm and there is a slight tremor in his hand but at the same time it's steady enough to pass for a soldiers hand.
"I don't know" he admits "I've been going through it in my head and I can't explain why I…" he hesitates as anyone would and exhales heavily "Carter I'm sor…" his voice seems even deeper now as he struggles.
"Sir, not that night. That day" I clarify, saving him. He pauses in thought and I smile imagining cogs turning in his brain and then as if on cue he inhales sharply in realization.
"Oh" he exhales, his hot breath tickling the hairs at the back of my neck, sending a wave of goose bumps through me. "I thought you might figure it out sooner or later; best brain we've got" he joked using humour as an emotional crutch. It's strange how I've developed an understanding of this now. Though I know I was probably if not the last, then one of the last to realize this. I've always denied knowing how Colonel O'Neill copes with emotion, probably out of preservation. So many times he's joked in the moments between us that have bordered stretching the boundaries in the command chain.
"I got a call that morning from my…ex father in law" the pause I feel to correct a habit. I realize then that this had nothing to do with Charlie, except that he was the son that he had shared with Sarah. This was about Sarah.
"She's dead" he finished, dropping his head against my shoulder. This is somehow more startling.
I'd expected something along the lines of her remarrying or her being pregnant to another man. I'd not expected death, and I'd not expected him to drop his hands down so they sat on my hips and then wrap them around my stomach, pulling me closer to him as he hugged me to his body.
"Jack! What the hell's gotten into you?" Daniel's loud, angered voice disturbs us as his fist pounds on the door abruptly "Open this door!" he rattles the handle.
I jump at the disruption and let out a sigh.
"Damn it Daniel" Colonel O'Neill curses as he releases his grip around me. "You okay?" he asks, whispering into my ear. I pause in thought as I take that in and then turn to him with a small smile.
"I will be"
"Uh… I'll deal with him" he offers taking in my features and I close my eyes as I remember the redness. I glance in the mirror when I stand up and frown. I turn away from the door as he opens it.
"This better be good Daniel" he growls but Daniel just eyeballs him briefly with a glare in his eyes and tries to push past him.
"Sam?" Daniel asks peering in to see my back turned "Is everything alright?" Daniel asks, his eyes darting between us.
"I'm fine Daniel" I call back, looking down at my feet.
"Jack, can I have a word with you" Daniel asks with a deathly serious look. Colonel O'Neill nods his head after a moments contemplation and indicates for Daniel to follow him down the hall to the bedroom. Janet enters the bathroom.
"Sam?" Janet asks gingerly as she approaches "Are you sure you're alright"
I close my eyes, emotion still raw and painful though I feel much better. I nod my head making a faint mumble of acknowledgment. "What happened?" she asks placing her hands comfortingly on my shoulders. This is probably a reach for her considering her height compared to my own. I shake my head; I can't talk to her now. She makes a soft laugh "somehow Daniel and I have managed to get our facts crossed" she starts in an attempt to ease me into talking. It probably works as this triggers my curiosity.
"Facts crossed?" I ask wondering what they knew or didn't know.
"Yeah, I don't think Daniel knew much at all and I… well I didn't have all my facts straight either." She explains but it doesn't explain anything really. I turn towards her.
"I told you what happened?" I state in confusion and look at her expectantly. Her face falls at the sight of my still very red eyes. She reaches her hand up to my cheek sympathetically and I clasp it in my own and smile before looking to her for the awaited explanation.
"You told me what happened… but you didn't tell me who did it" she explains and I gasp as I realize a confrontation probably occurred between Janet and Daniel.
"Oh" my face goes red and then I pause in confusion "how in the world did you think it was Daniel?"
Janet smiles "Well I'm sorry, from what you described it sounded like Daniel and during the post mission exam he attacked me so it was fair to connect the dots… the wrong dots but still"
"Attacked you?" I ask critically
"He was on edge and overreacted to the precautionary measures I was taking. He grabbed me but I now think that it was more to stop me from tranquilizing him then anything else."
"Right" I nod but it still makes little sense. I suppose it doesn't matter since things seem to be cleared up. "And Daniel?" I ask looking at the door as if it would show me Daniel and the Colonels conversation.
"I think he knew Colonel O'Neill had done something but he didn't know what, or he thought it was something else." She tells me and I sigh rubbing my eyes. I'm tired again. Sleep seems to be occupying my thoughts a lot lately. I'm either exhausted or too on edge to sleep.
"You okay?" Janet asks grabbing my arm as if to support me when I fall.
"Yes, I'm fine I'm just exhausted" ...again... "a lots happened" I explain and she bites her lip in thought.
"So what did you talk about?" she brings us back to the reason why we're standing in the middle of my Commanding Officers bathroom.
"Janet, I know what you're trying to do but I'm fine. Colonel O'Neill and I just got things out and now, we're just going to well take it from there. It's fine really. I'll tell you more later" I promise as I pick up the towel and place it on the basin edge.
"Sam, why later?" Janet asks with concern edging in her voice.
"Because now I just want to go home, and relax" I smile before stepping past and moving into the lounge room to collect my things. Janet follows cautiously and starts packing up the monopoly game.
"Did you want us to go now?" Janet asks with a hesitant look on her face
"Well we came in your car…" I look at her expectantly
"It's just Cassies at her friends' house, I gave her a midnight curfew so I thought I'd pick her up when I dropped you off." Janet explains and I smile. Cassie's such a sweet kid. "Its fine I can make a second trip"
"No, Janet you can stay I'll just get Daniel to give me a lift" I suggest
"No it's fine really; it looks like we're not going to be here for very long anyway." She responds but I hold a slight smile and raise an eyebrow in response.
"Janet there's no point making a second trip, if I can't get Daniel to take me I'll call a cab" I explain as I pick my coat up off the back of one of O'Neill's dinning room chairs and make my way down the hall as I pull my jacket on.
"Are you sure?" Janet asks close behind me. I nod focusing on the path before me that seems to be widening in the darkness. I dip my hand in my jacket pocket once I get it on and then frown.
"Janet, have you seen my mobile?" I ask checking the other pocket. Janet pauses in thought and then turns and heads out the door, presumably to her car. As I near the bedroom I hear Daniel's voice. It's soft and somewhat reassuring like Janet's had been. I stop just shy of the door and listen to the soft spoken words being passed between them.
"You could have told me" Daniel says as I peer in through the crack in the door.
"No I couldn't have Daniel. You would never have understood" Colonel O'Neill sighs, he's sitting down on the bed with his hands in his lap.
"I still don't understand" Daniel puts in as he sits down beside him "This is rape Jack. It's a criminal offence. You've raped a person. And not only have you raped a person, but you've raped Sam. I don't think you realize what this has done to you two. She used to love…"
"I know!" O'Neill cuts him off with a warning tone and then runs his hand through his hair "I know what I've done Daniel but I can't change any of it"
"You need to though" Daniel insists "Its Sam…"
"Daniel stop it" he snaps "I know what has to be done. I just don't know how to do it. I wouldn't be surprised if she never spoke to me again" at this I decide to knock, thoughts are racing through my head.
"Come in" Colonel O'Neill calls. I push the door open just enough for me to step in and then look at Colonel O'Neill
"Sir, Can I borrow your phone to call a cab" I ask gesturing behind me. He frowns in confusion.
"Aren't you going home with Doc?" he asks bringing his hands around his sides as if to push off the bed.
"She's leaving later so she can pick Cassie up. I thought I'd go home and get some sleep" I explain as I lean against the door frame looking expectantly.
"Oh, I'll drive you Carter. Daniel you'll be alright to stay here and keep Doc Fraiser company right?" he asks pushing off the bed. I pause rigid against the frame and then unconsciously push off the frame and take a step backwards.
"No sir it's fine I can take a cab…" I panic taking another step away from the door.
"Don't be ridiculous Carter, I know where you live. It's easier this way" he smiles as he steps past me and moves to get his keys.
"Sir you don't have to…" he turns towards me as he pulls his coat on
"Yes I do Carter, what kind of host would I be if I didn't make sure you got home safely" he smiles tossing me the keys
"You drive"