Scene opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross is sitting on the couch, reading a story to Emma. Rachel and Ben are sitting at the table. Rachel is applying make-up to Ben's face. Enter Carol and Susan, dressed as vampires.
Carol and Susan: Hi!
Rachel: Hi! Come on in, we're almost finished here.
Ben begins squirming.
Rachel: Ben, hold still. I can't get this on with you squirming around.
Ben: It's cold.
Rachel: It'll warm up in a minute. You're worse than your Uncle Joey with suntan lotion.
Ben: Dad, have you seen my fangs anywhere?
Ross: I think you left them in the bathroom.
Ben jumps up and runs into the bathroom.
Ross: I can't believe your work postponed your Halloween party to today.
Carol: Well, they didn't have many people wanting to come in on Halloween night, because they wanted to take their kids trick-or-treating. So they offered to let us have it tonight.
Rachel: Well, I hope you guys win tonight.
Susan: So do I. I heard one of Carol's co-workers is dressing as a Transformer.
Enter Ben.
Ben: Check it out, I'm Edward Cullen!
Ross: Who?
Carol: Twilight vampire.
Ross: You let him read Twilight?
Carol: He wanted to check it out!
Enter Joey.
Joey: Hey guys, do you have any spicy must-
Joey notices Carol, Susan, and Ben.
Joey: Vampires!
Joey runs out the door. Theme song and title sequence plays.
So no one told you life was gonna be this way.
Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA.
It's like you're always stuck in second gear.
Well, it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.
But, I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.
I'll be there for you, like I've been there before.
I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too.
Scene opens in Central Perk. Rachel, Monica and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. Ross is sitting in the chair. Annette and Mike are sitting in the chairs at the end table. Chandler is sitting on the stool at the counter.
Annette: I'm not letting Joey go over to play with you guys anymore.
Rachel: Why?
Annette: Because you scared him!
Monica: What happened?
Rachel: Ben, Carol, and Susan went to Carol's Halloween party at work dressed as vampires.
Ross: And Joey came over to borrow some spicy mustard for a sandwich.
Phoebe: So why don't you want them playing with him anymore?
Annette: Because as soon as I walked in, he was waving a cross in my face, and throwing holy water at me!
Chandler stands up.
Chandler: Wow, look at the time. I gotta go!
Chandler runs for the door.
Monica: Freeze!
Chandler stops by the door. Monica holds out her hand.
Monica: Hand them over.
Annette: Hand what over?
Chandler reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a pair of vampire fangs. Monica takes the fangs.
Monica: That goes for all of you.
Four pairs of vampire fangs fill her hand.
Annette: I am shocked at you all! I cannot believe you would-
Monica glares at Annette.
Annette: What?
Monica: I said ALL of you.
Annette grumbles, and hands Monica a pair of vampire fangs.
Annette: Party pooper…
Enter Joey.
Joey: Hey, guys.
Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe wrinkle their noses.
Monica: Oh my god, Joey, what's that smell?
Joey: Garlic.
Rachel: UGH, that's strong! What'd you do, bathe in it?
Joey looks away.
Annette: Joey!
Joey: Well, I don't want any vampires biting me!
Ross: Trust me, they couldn't bite you. No one's gonna get near you with that smell hanging around. In fact, the only thing you need to be worrying about right now are pizza makers who are low on sauce.
Annette: Hmmm, I'm strangely craving pizza now. Who's up for one?
Joey glares at Annette. Enter a beautiful young woman, carrying a binder.
Woman: Professor Geller! Hi!
Ross: Zoe?
Zoe: Yeah!
Ross: Hey! What, uh, what-what're you doing here?
Zoe: I was looking for you.
Zoe: You're looking really good today.
Ross: Oh! Uh, I'm flattered.
Zoe looks around.
Zoe: So, this is where you hang out at, when you're not teaching class?
Ross: Uh…
Rachel: Honey?
Ross: Huh?
Rachel: Do you wanna introduce us to your friend, before I kill you both and bury your bodies somewhere in New Jersey?
Ross: Oh! Sure.
Ross gestures to the gang.
Ross: This is my sister Monica, her husband Chandler, our friend Phoebe, her husband Mike, our next door neighbor Joey, his girlfriend Annette, and the woman threatening to kill us is my fiancée Rachel. Guys, this is Zoe, one of the top students in my class.
Zoe: Hi.
Joey: How YOU doin?
Annette: Joey!
Joey: Sorry! Automatic reaction.
Ross: So why were you looking for me, anyway?
Zoe: I wanted to drop off my term paper for the semester.
Ross: Uh, that's not due for another three weeks.
Zoe: I know, but I'm going to be going out of town for two weeks.
Ross: Why didn't you leave it with the department head?
Zoe: Because the last time I did that, my paper ended up on the desk of the Agricultural Director of North Korea.
Ross: Oh, wow.
Zoe: Yeah. Trying to explain to the State Department why your term paper for Grammar Functionality is sitting on the desk of someone whose name I can't pronounce isn't fun. So I just decided I'd start dropping my papers off directly, so I don't have to go through that again.
Ross: I don't blame you. Well, uh, I'll have a look at it as soon as I can.
Zoe: Okay. Oh, have you read the new issue of Scientific American yet?
Ross: Yeah, I just finished it the other day.
Zoe: Do you remember the story about the tectonic shifting being a possible reason for the new paleontological discoveries being made in the unlikely areas?
Ross: Yeah.
Zoe: Well, I argued against it, but cited several other stories, including that one. Will the department have a problem with it, since it's a new story?
Ross: I doubt they will, but I'll let you know if they do, so you can have time to correct it, if you need to.
Zoe: Thanks.
Zoe looks at her watch.
Zoe: Oh, I gotta get going. Nice meeting you all. Bye, Professor Geller.
Rachel (mimicking under her breath): Bye, Professor Geller.
Ross: Bye, Zoe.
Zoe exits. Ross turns to see Rachel glaring at him.
Ross: What?
Rachel: Could you POSSIBLY be anymore wistful?
Ross: Honey, she's just a student. You don't need to be jealous.
Rachel: I'm not jealous.
Rachel walks toward the door.
Ross: Where are you going?
Rachel: You have a paper to grade, so I'm gonna get Emma from daycare and take her to see my mom.
Ross: Rachel, you really don't need to be jealous.
Rachel: I'm not jealous, Ross!
Rachel exits.
Ross: She is so jealous.
A knock on the window is heard. The gang turns to see Rachel mouth "I'm not jealous!" Scene ends and opens in Joey and Annette's apartment. Joey is standing by the counter, looking at a piece of paper. Enter Annette.
Annette: Hey, hon.
Joey: Hey. Watch your step.
Annette: Why?
Joey: Because you'll trip the garlic trap I set for the vampires.
Annette: YOU set a trap for them?
Joey: Yeah. See, if they come in the door, they'll be sprayed with garlic essence. If they come in the window and trip the wire, the window slams shut on them, trapping them for a spraying of holy water. Right after that, a spring-loaded cross comes down and smashes into their face.
Annette stares at Joey.
Joey: What?
Annette: Okay, three things: one, this place is starting to smell like a pizza parlor. Two, garlic only works on werewolves, not vampires. And three, you can draw up complex devices like this, yet I had to train you to remember to put the seat down?
Joey bumps his fists together. Annette giggles.
Joey: Oh, real funny. You'll be thanking me when we wake up with no holes in our necks.
Annette: I woke up this morning with a HICKEY on my neck. Do you have any idea how much foundation I'm gonna have to use to cover that up?
Joey: Well, maybe next time you'll wake up when I shake you.
Annette: You woke me up over a nightmare! Although, the hickey WOULD explain the dream I had, that some huge leech was sucking on my neck.
Joey: Better me than a vampire, right?
Annette stares at Joey.
Annette: Why am I still having this conversation with you?
Joey: Because we're discussing how to make this place vampire safe?
Annette groans.
Annette: I have to get ready for work.
Annette walks into her room. A few seconds later, Annette appears in the doorway, fuming.
Annette: Get out of my room!
Enter Chandler.
Chandler: I need measurements for the tanning bed!
Annette: Why do you even need a tanning bed?
Joey: Not only can we turn the vampires away from the window, we can get a good tan, while we're at it.
Annette: OUT!
Annette slams the door. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Ross is sitting on the couch. Enter Zoe.
Zoe: Hi, Professor Geller.
Ross: Hey, Zoe.
Zoe: You wanted to see me?
Ross: Yes, I did. Sit down.
Zoe sits down in the armchair.
Ross: Zoe, have you given any thought to what you wanna do when you finish with school?
Zoe: Not really. Why?
Ross: Because you're a smart woman who could make waves in the Paleontology community. And that's why I'm recommending you for an internship in the Paleontology department at the Museum of Natural History.
Zoe: Oh my god!
Zoe squeals, and hugs Ross. Ross pulls back, to see Rachel standing in the doorway with a hurt look on her face.
Ross: Rachel.
Rachel: You son of a bitch…
Rachel turns around and leaves. Ross stands up.
Ross: Zoe, we'll talk about this later. I have to talk to her.
Zoe: Right. Good luck, Profe-Ross.
Ross: Thanks, Zoe.
Ross runs out the door. Scene changes to Ross and Rachel's apartment. Enter Rachel, Ross behind her.
Ross: Rachel, what the hell was that?
Rachel: You bastard! It wasn't enough you did it to me once, you had to do it again?
Ross: What are you-?
Rachel: Her! Your girlfriend!
Ross: Rach, I'm not-
Rachel: Save it, Ross! I'm not gonna listen to it!
Ross: Rachel, please-
Rachel: No, you know what? We're through! My mom was right all along!
Rachel yanks off her engagement ring and throws it at Ross.
Ross: Honey, will you please listen to me?
Rachel: Don't you "honey" me! Get out of here, you cheating bastard!
Ross: Rachel, I-
Rachel: GET OUT!
Ross's expression hardens.
Ross: Fine.
Ross picks up the ring and walks out, slamming the door. Rachel sits down on the couch, sobbing. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Monica, Phoebe, and Mike are sitting on the couch. Chandler is sitting in the armchair. Annette is working behind the counter. Enter Joey.
Joey: Hey.
Annette: Hey. Did you get those contraptions out of the apartment?
Joey: Not yet.
Annette: Joey!
Joey: Hey, I cancelled the tanning bed!
Chandler: What about the holy water you siphoned from the church?
Annette, Monica, and Phoebe: You WHAT?
Joey: I gave it back!
Annette: You BETTER have! What about the garlic sprayers you mounted by the front door?
Joey: Well…
Annette glares at Joey.
Annette: Who did you spray?
Enter Alex, soaking wet and reeking of garlic.
Alex: Annette, can we talk about your psycho boyfriend for a moment?
Annette: Joey!
Joey: I didn't know who it was! It was a reaction!
Annette: Joey, get rid of those contraptions, before someone gets hurt.
Joey: No! Those are our only defense against vampires!
Alex: What about werewolves?
Joey: Werewolves?
Alex: Yeah. If you keep out vampires, the werewolves will come in. And I don't think your place is werewolf-proof, is it?
Alex winks at Annette, as Joey gasps.
Joey: Oh my god, you're right! I gotta get those traps down!
Joey runs out the door. Annette looks at Alex.
Annette: That was mean.
Alex grins.
Alex: I learned from the best.
Annette giggles. Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is sitting on the couch, listlessly watching TV. A knock is heard. Rachel gets up and opens the door to reveal Zoe.
Zoe: Hi. Is Ross here?
Rachel: No.
Zoe: Oh. Do you know when he's due back?
Rachel: Why?
Zoe: Well, I needed to get something from him before tomorrow.
Rachel: What? A wedding ring?
Zoe: Huh?
Rachel: Do you get your high grades from sleeping with your professors? By breaking up happy families?
Zoe: No! I-
Rachel: Or do you just do this for the challenge?
Zoe: I don't-
Rachel: Or are you two slipping away? Getting married?
Zoe: What?
Rachel: Because he's terrible in bed! He has a problem with-
Zoe: Hey, crazy! Shut up!
Rachel stares at Zoe.
Zoe: I'm not dating Ross!
Rachel: Oh, right! And I suppose you're just leaving for two weeks for your honeymoon!
Zoe: Yes, actually.
Rachel: What?
Zoe: My boyfriend and I are getting married next week, and going away for a week for our honeymoon. Ross is writing me a letter of recommendation for a position at the Museum of Natural History, when I get back. I just stopped by to see if it was done before I leave.
Rachel: You mean…you two weren't dating?
Zoe: Elizabeth was my roommate for a semester. I heard all about her relationship with Ross.
Rachel: So all those "late nights at the office"…
Zoe: ...were actually late nights. He was writing the letter for me, and needed to make sure the facts were right.
Rachel: Oh my god...what have I done?
Zoe stares in confusion. Enter Ross.
Ross: Oh.
Zoe: Hey, Ross.
Ross: Hey, Zoe.
Zoe: I was just wondering if you finished the letter of recommendation I needed.
Ross: Yeah, I was just coming back from the copiers.
Ross hands Zoe an envelope.
Ross: I also included a reference to your last paper in there. You should be good to go when you get back.
Zoe: Thanks. I better get going. Bye, Ross.
Ross: Bye, Zoe. And good luck.
Zoe: Thanks.
Zoe exits. Ross and Rachel stare at each other.
Rachel: Well, she seems like a nice girl.
Ross glares at Rachel. Rachel smiles nervously.
Rachel: What do you want for dinner?
Ross continues to glare.
Rachel: Pizza sound good?
Ross begins walking toward the bedroom.
Rachel: Ross, I'm sorry!
Ross pauses at the doorway.
Ross: Why didn't you trust me, Rachel?
Rachel: Honey, I'm so sorry!
Ross: You didn't even give me a chance to explain to you what was going on.
Rachel: I know, I'm sorry! I heard Zoe, and I was thinking of that copy girl! And your relationship with Elizabeth-I just-I thought she was hitting on you!
Ross: Maybe we shouldn't be doing this, Rachel. This will never work, as long as you keep thinking I'm cheating on you. Maybe we were better off apart.
Rachel: Ross, no! Please! Don't say that!
Ross: I think I better leave. We can't be together, if you can't trust me.
Rachel begins to cry.
Rachel: I'm sorry! Ross, please stay! I don't want history to repeat itself!
Ross: Rachel, I-
Rachel: Baby, please! I'll do anything you want, just please don't leave me!
Ross grabs Rachel's hand, and slides the engagement ring back on.
Ross: With this ring, I be trusted.
Rachel smiles and wipes the tears from her eyes.
Rachel: With this ring, I trust you.
Ross and Rachel hug.
Ross: I am never going to cheat on you again, Rachel. Remember what we said the night you got off the plane?
Rachel: This is it.
Ross: And this time, it's going to work.
Enter Annette.
Annette: Guys, I'm sorry to interrupt your little moment, but I need your help. Joey tripped the window trap, and now he's stuck.
Ross and Rachel stare at Annette. Scene ends and opens in Joey and Annette's apartment. Joey and Annette are sitting in the chairs, watching TV.
Annette: It reeks in here.
Joey: I have the window open. It'll air out.
Annette: It wouldn't have been so bad, if you didn't squirt Alex when she walked in.
Joey: I didn't know it was her! For all I knew, it was a blood-sucking monster!
Annette: Well, considering some of the men she's dated…
Joey stands up and walks to the door.
Annette: Where are you going?
Joey: Getting a pizza. All this garlic smell is making me hungry.
Annette: Changing the CHANNEL makes you hungry.
Joey bumps his fists together and exits. A few minutes later, a knock is heard. Annette walks to the door.
Annette: I swear to God, Joey, if you locked yourself out again, I am going to hurt you.
Annette opens the door. Paul is standing in the doorway.
Annette: Paul…
Paul: Hello, love.
Annette stares in shock. Credits roll.
CREDITS SCENE
Scene opens in Central Perk. Joey is standing by the bar, holding a muffin.
Joey: So, how many muffins do you guys-?
Joey turns around to see the gang sitting as werewolves. Scene changes to Joey's bedroom. Joey sits up in bed, and shakes Annette.
Joey: Annette! Wake up!
Annette: Go away, I'm trying to sleep.
Joey: But I need garlic for the werewolves!
Annette: Joey, we told you…
Annette rolls over and grins, revealing vampire fangs.
Annette: …we'd protect you.
Joey screams and runs out of 19, into 20.
Joey: Ross! Rachel! Annette is-
Ross and Rachel turn toward Joey, dark red drinks in hand.
Joey: Uh, what is that?
Ross: Blood. Want some?
Ross and Rachel grin, also revealing vampire fangs. Joey screams, and runs out the door. Enter Annette.
Rachel: How long do you think he'll be freaking for?
Annette: The whole night, would be my guess.
Annette takes out her fangs.
Annette: Best 5 bucks I ever spent.
(A/N Now Paul, too? The plot thickens! 9 will be delayed because of the holidays. Sorry about the slow pace, these times of the year are hell on me. And don't worry readers. The reveals are coming up.)