The drive to Carters house is a quiet one. It's quiet and it's tense; eerie sort of. It's definitely awkward. She's just sitting there in the back seat. Not speaking, not moving, nothing. If it wasn't for the soft echo of breathing I'd swear she was dead.
"Carter… you alright?" I ask breaking the silence as I look at her through the rear vision mirror. I don't know why she declined the drive. She'd said she was tired and just wanted to lay down in the back seat but she's just sitting there.
"Yes sir" she replies still staring out the window at the moon above. She's squished so close to that door, her fingers gripping the handle enough to make her knuckles turn a bright pink. What I'd give to know what she was thinking.
"Do you need a ride to work in the morning?" I ask glancing at the mirror again.
"Janet and I went to your house from mine" she states as she pulls her coat tighter closed. I sigh looking up at the moon.
"What will you be working on tomorrow?" I ask hoping the mention of work will persuade her to discuss some techno gadget she's studying. That always gets her talking.
"I'm not going" she replies simply and I frown
"What could possibly keep Carter from her work?" I ask jokingly hoping for a smile. She pulls her eyes away from the moon and looks up at the rear vision mirror to meet my gaze.
"Mandatory psych evaluation" the words come out icily.
I drop my head focusing on the road.
Minutes pass between us before I pull into a rest stop.
"What are you doing?" She asks in a panic
"Sam…"
"Sir" she cuts me off warning me against dropping the formality.
"It wasn't supposed to be like that!" I react staring at her through the rear vision mirror.
"Sir, just take me home" she demands pushing further back into the seat.
"No Carter I never wanted it to happen like…"
"Sir" she repeats warningly as her breathing escalates
"I don't know why I kept going Carter"
"Sir!" she snaps trying to stop me
"Damn it Carter I…"
"Sir DON'T" she cuts me off as she drops her hand down to the buckle and releases it.
"Sam" I look at her panic stricken face and stop myself. She unlocks the car door and climbs out with out a word.
"For crying out loud Carter, get back in the car" I order as I climb out of the driver's seat and start following her as she walks along the long road in the direction of her house. Cars drive past, faces inside staring at us. "Carter that's an order!" I yell as I hurry towards her quickly retreating form.
"So court-marshal me" she calls back fighting off the urge to cry. She's cried so much tonight.
"You know I won't do that" I call back starting a jog to catch up but she doesn't stop.
"Because you know it won't stand up in court" she replies venomously
"Because I can't do that to you" I insist. Cars are slowing down as they pass, watching with wide eyes.
"There are a lot of things you can't do Sir" she retaliates as I near her.
"Can we talk about this in the car" I plead as I grab her arm. She spins around and yanks it free from my grip.
"Don't touch me" she warns as she clutches the arm to her chest.
"What are you going to do, walk home?" I ask standing still as she turns and looks over the road
"I've walked further distances" she states and I roll my eyes.
"I don't care, you're not walking" I say and surprise myself at how fatherly that sounded
"How was it supposed to happen Jack? Were you supposed to woo me? Was I supposed to just forget about all the rules? Just forget about my career? Risk loosing everything I've worked for so you can have a pity fuck!" her lip trembles as she stares at me looking for the answers. Her eyes filled with fury and anguish.
"It's not like that Carter and you know it" I step towards her. She freezes in her stance again, frightened of me. "I care about you Car…"
"Don't" she cuts me off, turning away from me
"It's the truth" I insist spinning her back to face me
"I couldn't stop you sir. I was screaming and you wouldn't stop." she looks down at her hands. "I know you won't hurt me sir, but you did" she looks up at me her eyes pleading with me "I don't know what you thought it was but I was terrified"
"Carter I…"
"I know you're sorry sir but I don't know who you are any more" she crosses her arms over her chest to fend off the cold breeze "I don't know what to feel"
"Strange as it is Carter, I know what you're going through" this snaps her attention up at me "but believe me Carter, this is me" I assure her as I take another step forward attempting to take her hands into my own "I don't know what came over me that night but I don't care; because I'm telling you that I will never let it happen again…"
"Sir you've told me this…"
"I mean it Carter. I don't want to loose you" her eyes become locked with mine and I know she's thinking of the arm bands and that moment when I refused to let her die.
"I've lost a lot Sam and I'm probably going to loose a lot more" she finally lets me take her hands into mine as I step closer. "But I'm willing to do anything within my power to keep you here, keep you safe."
"Sir i…" she starts but I'm not finished. She can wait; I need to get this out.
"I meant it Sam. I'd rather die myself then loose you" I wait, lingering my gaze with hers as I bring our bodies closer "tell me I haven't lost you" I whisper to her, holding my breath in anticipation of her response. She swallows and draws in a deep breath as she looks down in thought. My heart beat seems to escalate as the thought hits me that she may not be able to get past this. I wouldn't blame her but I couldn't deal with it.
She finally looks up to my eyes again her thumbs tracing symbols into my hand.
"You were never going to loose me" she finally tells me and I suck in a deep breath of relief. "You know how I feel Jack; but I'm not ready yet. It's going to take some time to get things back to the way they were"
"Let me help you" I ask as I bring one hand around her back. She hesitates gasping at the touch of my hand on her back but as I look into her eyes she lets me embrace her. She's rigid against me, breathing deeply and I know she doesn't have a clue what to do or how to react. No-one could have prepared her for this. I rub my hand along her back and she finally relaxes, collapsing against me. I smile taking in the smell of her hair. "Can we get back in the car now? I'm freezing my ass off"
She looked up and let a small smile show
"Yes sir"