Scene opens in Joey and Annette's apartment. Joey is sitting in the chair, practicing his "French".
Joey: Jim boop de ploop vem plop.
Enter Annette from Joey's room.
Annette: Honey, what the hell are you doing?
Joey: I have an audition coming up that requires French speaking. So I'm brushing up on it.
Annette: Yeah, except that isn't French.
Joey: What're you talking about? Of course it's French! The guy on the tape even said it was, when I was practicing it last time I needed to know French.
Annette: Oh, really?
Joey: Yeah.
Annette: Etiez-vous tomber sur la tête comme un bébé?
(A/N For those of you that don't speak French, Annette just asked Joey if he was dropped on his head as a baby. Or as close as the translator can make it.)
Joey: What was that gibberish?
Annette: That wasn't gibberish; that was French!
Joey: That was gibberish. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go take a shower and practice REAL French.
Joey walks into the bathroom, muttering in "French" to himself, as Annette glares. A few minutes later, water is heard running. Annette walks into the bathroom, and flushes the toilet. Joey starts screaming, as Annette walks out.
Annette: French THAT.
Theme song and title sequence plays.
So no one told you life was gonna be this way.
Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA.
It's like you're always stuck in second gear.
Well, it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.
But, I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.
I'll be there for you, like I've been there before.
I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too.
Scene opens in Central Perk. Ross, Monica, and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. Ross is reading to Emma. Rachel is sitting in the chair, reading a magazine. Mike and Chandler are sitting in the chairs at the end table. Annette is sitting at the counter.
Ross: What's a doggy say?
Emma: Woof!
Ross: Good! What's a kitty say?
Emma: Meow!
Ross: Right! What's a cow say?
Emma: Moo!
Ross: Very good, honey!
Annette: She is so CUTE!
Monica: So are my kids. In fact, just the other day, Erica tried to-
Annette: She's got your brains, Ross.
Ross: And Rachel's looks.
Annette: She's gonna be a heartbreaker when she grows up.
Monica: Hey, my kids can do cute things, too, you know!
Ross: Yeah, that's great, Mon.
Monica glares, as Ross turns back to Emma.
Ross: What's a duck say?
Emma: Aflac!
Rachel begins giggling.
Ross: No, sweetie, a duck says "quack". What's a dino say?
Emma: Dino dumb!
Rachel begins laughing, as Emma claps her hands and laughs along. Ross glares at Rachel.
Ross: You put her up to that, didn't you?
Rachel: I don't know what you're talking about, Geller. I would never do a thing like that.
Ross: Oh yeah? Well, two can play that game.
Ross taps on Emma's shoulder.
Ross: Emma, honey? What were Mommy and Daddy on?
Emma: Bweak!
Ross laughs, as Rachel glares.
Rachel: You put her up to that, didn't you?
Ross: I don't know what you're talking about, Green. I would never do a thing like that.
Rachel: I'm starting to rethink this engagement…
Enter Joey.
Ross: Hey, Joey.
Joey: Jum de boo ploop.
Ross: …what the hell was that?
Joey: French. I'm practicing for a role I'm auditioning for.
Chandler: Was THAT what that was? I thought you were having a stroke.
Phoebe: Okay, um, Joey? Once again, I have to point out that you're still NOT SPEAKING FRENCH!
Joey: Yes I am! You even said I was last time I had to practice!
Annette: He's been doing that for three days now. I can't get it through to him that he's not speaking French, and that he's gonna get laughed out of the audition.
Monica: Yeah yeah, that's great. Joey, you think my kids are cute, right?
Joey: Sure! I think Ben and Emma are the cutest kids ever.
Ross: Uh, Joey, those are MY kids.
Joey: Oh. Wait, which ones are yours again?
Monica screams.
Monica: Nobody thinks my kids are cute!
Gunther: I think they're cute.
Monica: THANK you, Gunther. You see? SOMEONE likes my kids.
Gunther: In fact, there's a pageant for kids coming up. Top prize is $500.
Monica: Really? Good! I'll enter Erica into it, she'll win, and that'll prove once and for all that my daughter is cuter than my niece!
Chandler: Honey, Erica is too young to enter. She's only a baby!
Monica: And when she wins, that'll prove that she's cuter than Emma! Their daughter couldn't win this, even if she tried!
A pause.
Rachel: Excuse me?
Monica: You heard me! Your daughter couldn't beat my daughter!
Rachel: Are you saying my daughter is less cute than yours?
Ross: Uh, Rach, you might wanna-
Rachel: Bup bup bup bup bup bup! That sounds like a challenge, to me.
Monica: Bring it on, Green!
Rachel: Oh, it's brought, Bing!
Monica: Sweetie, let's go. I have to go get Erica. We have a pageant to win!
Rachel: You and Erica will be eating Green dust!
Monica glares.
Chandler: I guess we'll see you guys later.
Monica: No consorting with the enemy!
Monica drags Chandler to the door. Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is walking around, talking on the phone.
Rachel: No, I don't care how long it'll take! I want one made for her!
A pause.
Rachel: Well, so what? If it gives my daughter an edge, I want it made! And I want it done now!
A pause.
Rachel: I don't care about the cost! Price means nothing to me!
Enter Ross and Emma. Rachel hunches into the phone.
Rachel: We'll talk later. Bye, Mom.
Rachel hangs up, and smiles at Ross.
Rachel: Hi, sweetie.
Rachel kisses Ross.
Ross: Hi, baby.
Rachel: How was the park?
Ross: It was fine. Emma enjoyed herself.
Rachel: I'm glad.
Rachel picks up Emma.
Rachel: And how's my little princess?
Ross glares at Rachel.
Rachel: What?
Ross: What're you planning?
Rachel: Nothing! Why would you even think a thing like that?
Ross: Because you're acting serene, and calling our daughter "princess".
Rachel: So? Am I not allowed to call our daughter a pet name if I want?
Ross glares.
Rachel: Fine, I got her an appointment at a spa.
Ross: Rachel!
Rachel: Don't you start with me, Geller! I REFUSE to lose to your sister!
Ross: How much is this spa treatment gonna cost?
Rachel: Well…you weren't really planning to send Emma off to college, were you?
Ross groans. Enter Annette.
Annette: Do you have something blunt and heavy I can hit Joey with?
Ross: How about Rachel's thick skull?
Rachel glares at Ross.
Rachel: Why do you wanna hit him, anyway?
Enter Joey.
Joey: Joop boop plop de flem!
Ross and Rachel stare at Joey.
Joey: Joo beh floo?
Ross: Joey, what the hell was that?
Joey: It's French. Don't tell me you don't recognize French?
Annette: He's been doing that ever since I got home! He won't stop!
Joey: I need the practice!
Annette: Joey, you are NOT SPEAKING FRENCH!
Joey: Yes, I am! The guy on the tape said so! Besides, you wouldn't know French if it bit you in your butt!
Rachel: Hard to miss THAT target...
Annette: Shut up, bra stuffer!
Ross: Look, how about this? I'll take Joey to practice French, so you don't murder him. And you can help Rachel with this pageant thing, so the big vein in my head won't pop.
Rachel: Yeah, except you don't speak French.
Ross: I'll get Phoebe to help me. Are we all good on this?
Annette: Well, I don't-
Ross: Good, glad we agree. Joey, come on.
Joey: Joo beh ploo.
Ross drags Joey out the door. Scene ends and opens in Joey and Annette's apartment. Joey is standing in the living room. Ross is lying face down on the couch. Enter Phoebe.
Phoebe: Hey.
Joey: Hey, Pheebs.
Ross groans.
Phoebe: I got your TXT, Ross. What's up?
Ross (into pillow): Joey. French. Kill me. Now.
Phoebe: You were trying to teach Joey French?
Ross (into pillow): Yes.
Phoebe: So why am I here?
Ross (into pillow): Joey?
Joey: Bloom floo de plah!
Phoebe: Joey, that, um, that is still NOT FRENCH!
Ross (into pillow): That's been going on for 2 hours.
Phoebe: So why did you call me over?
Ross: Because I'm about to hang myself by my own intestines. I played the tape, I wrote the words on a chalkboard, I even got French for Dummies for him to read, and that was the end result.
Joey: What? It's French!
Phoebe: No, Joey. That's a bunch of nonsense that is going to make me hurt you.
Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Last time we were doing this, you didn't threaten to hurt me.
Phoebe: Yeah, but this time, I'm pregnant and horny, and Mike is away doing a gig. So instead, I'm just gonna go Lorena Bobbitt on any guy who annoys me.
Joey and Ross step back.
Ross: Uh, Joey? How bad do you want that role?
Joey: Why?
Ross: You want it bad enough to cross a pregnant Phoebe?
Joey: No way!
Ross: Good, glad we got that settled. I'm gonna go check on Emma and Rachel.
Ross begins running toward the door.
Phoebe: Freeze, mister!
Ross stops by the door.
Phoebe: You called me over here to teach Joey how to speak French, so I am gonna teach Joey how to speak French! And you are gonna help me, or I swear to Lucifer, Rachel will never have kids with you again!
A pause.
Ross: Where did I leave my chalkboard?
Ross walks back into the living room. Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's house. Monica is sitting in the living room, cooing to one of the twins.
Monica: Who's a pretty girl? Huh? Who's a pretty girl?
Enter Chandler, holding the other twin.
Chandler: That would be Erica, the one I'm currently holding.
Monica: What?
Monica opens the baby's diaper, and peeks.
Monica: Chandler!
Chandler grins.
Monica: Why didn't you say something?
Chandler: Well, I would have, except I was having more fun watching you emasculate our son.
Monica glares, and holds out her arms.
Monica: Give me Erica.
Chandler: Uh, no...
Monica: Why not?
Chandler: Because if I do, you're gonna try to turn her into one of those "Toddlers & Tiaras" kids.
Monica: Erica can beat her, and you know it!
Chandler: No, she can't! Our niece is a 1 year old, Monica. They do cute things.
Monica: We have babies! They do cute things, too!
Chandler: You're right. Spitting up and soiling diapers is now the height of cuteness.
Monica glares.
Monica: Give her to me.
Chandler: No.
Monica: Gimme!
Chandler: No!
Monica: I'm her mother! Hand her over!
Chandler: No, crazy lady!
Chandler runs out the door with Erica, Monica following. A pause. Enter Monica.
Monica: Come on, sweetie. Let's help Mommy beat on Daddy.
Monica picks up Jack, and exits. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Annette and Ross are sitting on the couch, exhausted.
Annette: How'd it go with Joey?
Ross: Well, we got him to stop the gibberish, and he's actually pronouncing words.
Annette: That's great!
Ross: Not really.
Annette: Why not?
Ross: Because he's getting his words mixed up.
Annette: What do you mean?
Ross: You'll see. By the way, how'd it go with Rachel?
Annette: I'd rather rip my arm off and beat her with it, than help with that pageant stuff.
Ross: Why?
Annette: She was being as bad as Monica. I don't think it helped matters that Emma had taken her pants off and put them on her head. We spent hours chasing her down, trying to get her to stop doing that.
Ross laughs. Enter Joey.
Annette: Hey, sweetie.
Joey: Je veux que tu shove escargots le long de mon pantalon.
Annette starts laughing.
Joey: What?
Annette: You just told me you wanted me to shove snails down your pants.
Joey: Dammit!
Annette: What were you trying to say?
Joey: "I want a coffee and blueberry muffin."
Annette: Uh, honey? I'm not working.
Joey: Man, I can't catch a break!
Joey walks to the counter. Ross leans toward Annette.
Ross (whispering): Did you tell him about Paul showing up yet?
Annette (whispering): No. Did you tell Rachel about Emily yet?
Ross (whispering): No. I don't know how to tell her without me getting hurt in the process.
Enter Rachel, Phoebe, and Mike.
Rachel: Phoebe, there is no way you pulled it off! Joey can't be taught! You know that!
Phoebe: Oh, yeah? Well, I have news for you, Rachel Green! Thanks to your fiancée helping me, I managed to teach Joey French!
Rachel: You threatened to cut off parts of their anatomy!
Phoebe: Hey, you want a piece of Phoebe?
Mike: Easy, honey. Think of the baby.
Phoebe: You are SO lucky I'm pregnant!
Joey: I really can speak French, Rachel.
Rachel: Really. Say something to me in French.
Ross: Uh, honey...
Rachel: Bup bup bup bup bup bup! I wanna hear him say something.
Annette: Oh, this is gonna be good...
Joey: Votre fesses ressemble à une bulle géante.
Annette and Phoebe start laughing.
Rachel: What? What did he say?
Annette: He just said your butt looks like a giant bubble.
Rachel begins hitting Joey.
Joey: Ow ow ow!
Rachel: How dare you say that about my butt!
Joey: I was trying to show you that I can speak French!
Rachel: By calling my butt a giant bubble? You should've been calling Annette's butt that!
Annette: Hey!
Enter Chandler and Monica.
Monica: Stop hiding Erica from me!
Chandler: Only when you drop this stupid pageant idea!
Monica: Never! I will prove my kids are more adorable than hers!
Chandler: I give up.
Monica: Good, now give me Erica.
Chandler: No!
Joey: Hey, guys.
Monica: Hey, Joey.
Joey: Vos poissons peuvent dormir avec ma chèvre soir.
Annette and Phoebe begin laughing.
Joey: What did I say that time?
Annette (laughing): You just told her that her fish could sleep with your goat tonight.
Joey: Dammit!
Monica: Someone wanna fill us in?
Ross: Phoebe and I spent the day teaching Joey actual French. He's gotten the hang of the words, but he's having trouble getting sentences down.
Chandler: We noticed.
Enter Paul.
Paul: Hello, love.
Annette: Hi, Paul.
Mike glares at Paul.
Mike: What do you want? Did you come here to steal Annette away again?
Paul: No, actually, I-
Mike: Because she's dating Joey now! And she's happy here!
Paul: Actually, I want-
Mike: And you'll have to face all of us if you want her!
Paul: I'm not here for Annette, Mikey! I'm actually here to see Johnny.
Joey: It's "Joey". And what do you want?
Paul: I have something to ask of you. But I'm waiting for my fiancée to get here first.
Enter Emily.
Emily: Hello, Ross.
Ross: Emily.
Rachel: You British hussy!
Rachel stands in front of Ross.
Rachel: If you want him back, you're gonna have to go through me!
Emily gives Rachel a quizzical look, and walks over to Paul.
Emily: Hi, sweetie.
Paul: Hello, love.
Paul and Emily kiss.
Rachel: What in the name of all that's holy...?
Paul: Since you're all here, I guess now is as good a time as any to tell you.
Joey: Tell us what?
Paul: Emily and I are getting married...and we want your help.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Credits roll.
CREDITS SCENE
Scene opens in Monica and Chandler's house. Monica is standing over one of the twins, slipping a pair of shoes on.
Monica: There you go, Erica. Oh, you look so pretty...
Enter Chandler, holding the other twin.
Chandler: Honey, what're you doing?
Monica: I'm getting Erica dressed up, to see how she'll look in this dress for the pageant.
Chandler: Yeah, except there's one problem.
Monica: What?
Chandler: I'm holding Erica.
Monica: Chandler!
Monica grabs the baby from Chandler, and leaves. Chandler walks over to the other baby.
Chandler: Okay, Erica, let's get you out of that outfit before Mommy catches on.
Chandler begins taking Erica's shoes off.
(A/N HOLY HANNAH! How WILL you all survive till 10 comes out? Keeps you on your toes, don't it?
And Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Kwanza, w/e you celebrate.)