Sorry it's extraordinarily lateā¦again. Again no excuse but I've finally gotten in the swing of writing again and I figured I should post something to this fic. Just to show I haven't forgotten this I just became preoccupied. I know it's short but I promise there is more to come. Enjoy.
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'Rain is just icing when you feel like this' Sam had thought as she lay in her bed, covered in her thick comforter as she stared at the pane of glass dripping with the droplets during the wet weather of that evening. She'd had the day off and after the psych evaluation, had returned straight home feeling guilty and angry at herself. She'd not told the truth. She'd bold faced lied and he had known it.
The first thing she did when she returned from her trip was switch the CD player on and then carried herself up to the bathroom, intent to get herself feeling better by washing away whatever filth she'd acquired. But it had been useless as she found her self crawling into bed, naked and panic stricken. Burying herself amongst her bedding seemed the only way she didn't feel vulnerable.
Sarah Mclachlan was playing loudly through her speakers in the lounge room. She couldn't remember putting the old CD into the player but there it was playing the words 'How stupid could I be? A simpleton could see, that you're no good for me; But you're the only one I see' over and over in her head. The song seemed to go on endlessly. Enough to make Sam suspect that the song was on repeat. She couldn't remember a time when she'd needed that song play endlessly. But right now it seemed a sort of comfort.
She lay naked and comfortable amongst soft bedding and the sound of Sarah Mclachlan, filtering out the thundering sludge like rain around her house. Snow seemed to be tending towards rain and why shouldn't it when everything else seemed to be tending that way. Cold and miserable.
Ok so she was being dramatic but she couldn't care. The emotion flooding through her kept flowing like a river, straight from the waterfall to the ocean. And nothing she did or thought about seemed to help. She'd thought she could be stronger than this. She'd thought she could suck it up and go back to work. Put it behind her and deal with things as they came to. As such was life.
But it was him.
This thought burned in her mind constantly and no matter what he'd said to her, she couldn't forget it. She couldn't forget the shear terror she'd felt while beneath the body of the man she'd been aching to do just that. Strangely she hand a suspicion that it wasn't the brutality of what happened that was getting to her. It was the lack of compassion. What she'd imagined from him didn't happen and wouldn't happen. He'd taken it from her.
But yet the look she'd seen in him as he was pleading to her on the high way had taken her back a notch and knocked her off her feet.
How could she be so torn between her emotions? Emotions that now seemed to have collapsed on her wholly.
She wasn't built for this and she knew it.
All her life she's been creating a barrier between herself and everyone else to preserve herself. She didn't want to have to love some one and then have her heart broken when she lost them.
Damn it she cared about Jack. Didn't he get that? Didn't he understand what he's done? And yes she knew that some part of him knew and was terrified that he was going to loose her but she honestly didn't know how they were going to get passed this.
A loud heavy knock came from the front door. Sam had been inclined to ignore it, but she knew by the knock, who was standing at her door.
She collected her dressing gown and pushed back the wave of emotion as she made her way to the door. She didn't smile like she usually did when she greeted someone at the door. She instead opened the door wide to the dripping Jaffa and gestured for him to come in with a nod. Teal'c bowed his head and followed Sam inside as she turned the CD player off and walked into the kitchen.
"Do you want something to drink Teal'c?" Sam asked not bothering to conceal the croak of her straining throat as she held herself together. She knew her face was red with tears and emotion but she couldn't help that.
As she looked up to meet Teal'cs gaze she saw a flicker of hurt touch his features and she couldn't stop herself. In that instance she felt her feet grow week beneath her as she crumbled with the weight of herself letting go. Teal'c always ready, caught her in her fall and let her collapse against him as she clutched his civilian shirt in her hands and buried her head in his chest. Teal'c wrapped his strong arms around her in silence and once again she found herself weeping into Teal'cs comforting embrace over Jack.
Teal'c waited with her, understanding and holding her as she let herself go and cried out against his chest.
"I love him"
