Previously on Friends...
Emily: Hi, sweetie.
Paul: Hello, love.
Paul and Emily kiss.
Rachel: What in the name of all that's holy...?
Paul: Since you're all here, I guess now is as good a time as any to tell you.
Joey: Tell us what?
Paul: Emily and I are getting married...and we want your help.
Scene opens in Central Perk. The gang is staring at Paul and Emily in shock.
Rachel: Wait, lemme get this straight.
Rachel points to Paul.
Rachel: You...
Paul: Yes.
Rachel points to Emily.
Rachel: ...and you...
Emily: Yes.
Rachel: ...are getting married.
Paul and Emily: YES.
A pause.
Joey: So you're not stealing Ross back?
Everyone turns and stares at Joey.
Joey: What?
Monica: If you're really getting married, let's see your ring.
Emily holds up her left hand. Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe look, and then begin hitting Mike, Ross, and Chandler.
Chandler: Ow! What did we do?
Rachel: That rock is bigger than ours!
Ross: You have Nana's engagement ring!
Rachel: Oh, right.
Rachel stops hitting Ross. Monica and Phoebe continue to hit Chandler and Mike.
Mike: Why are we still getting hit?
Phoebe: Because we're pregnant!
Monica: And that rock is still bigger than ours!
Chandler and Mike run out the door, Monica and Phoebe behind them. Theme song and title sequence plays.
So no one told you life was gonna be this way.
Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA.
It's like you're always stuck in second gear.
Well, it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.
But, I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.
I'll be there for you, like I've been there before.
I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too.
Scene opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is sitting at the table, reading a magazine. A knock is heard.
Rachel: It's open, guys!
Enter Emily.
Emily: Hi, Rachel. Is Ross here?
Rachel: No.
Emily: Good.
Emily shuts the door.
Emily: I need to talk to you and Monica. I called and asked her to meet us over here.
Rachel: You WHAT?
Emily: Is that a problem?
Rachel: Yes! We have a competition going right now, and I can't have her over sabotaging it!
Enter Monica.
Monica: I got your message, what's going-?
Monica notices the magazine.
Monica: What's that?
Rachel: ...nothing.
Monica: What is that magazine?
Rachel: Nothing! Don't look at it!
Monica leaps toward the table. Rachel grabs the magazine and hides it behind her back.
Monica: Give me the magazine!
Rachel: No!
Emily: Uh, guys…
Monica: Give it here, Green!
Rachel: No, Bing!
Emily: Guys…
Monica: I'll tell Ross about that summer you were parading around in a bikini just to tease him!
Rachel: Oh yeah? Well, I'll tell Chandler who "accidentally" lost his picture of Yasmine Bleeth he kept in the back of his refrigerator!
Monica gasps.
Monica: You promised me that was a secret!
Rachel: Well, you promised me you weren't gonna ever tell Ross about that bikini!
Monica grabs the magazine, and begins pulling
Monica: Gimme that magazine!
Rachel pulls back.
Rachel: No!
Monica: Give it here, Pinocchio!
Rachel: No, you cow!
Emily whistles.
Emily: HEY! That is quite enough!
Monica and Rachel stop hitting each other, and look at Emily.
Emily: Now, if you two are done acting like children, I need to talk to you.
Rachel: About what?
Emily: My wedding to Paul.
Monica: What about it?
Emily: Well…I would appreciate it, Rachel, if you would be my maid of honor.
Monica and Rachel: WHAT?
Emily: It would mean a lot to me.
Monica: Why didn't you ask me to be your maid of honor?
Emily: Because we want you to plan our wedding.
Monica: I don't know if I can. That's pretty expensive.
Emily holds up a credit card.
Emily: This is Paul's platinum. There's no credit limit.
Rachel: You're turning her loose with a platinum card to SHOP?
Emily: Pretty much.
Rachel looks at Monica.
Rachel: Don't make me beg.
Monica: To the stores! We have shopping to do!
Rachel and Monica run out the door. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Ross, Monica and Rachel are sitting on the couch. Annette and Joey are sharing the armchair. Chandler and Mike are sitting in the chairs at the end table. Phoebe is sitting in Mike's lap. Ross is reading a magazine.
Ross: Hey, here's an interesting article. It seems in some primitive tribes, men propose to women with a hand-polished ball made out of red clay and dung.
Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, and Annette stare at Ross.
Ross: What?
Monica: I'm sure that's fascinating to read, but in our culture, we prefer DIAMONDS.
Chandler: You have one.
Monica: And the next one you give me had BETTER be bigger, mister.
Phoebe: The same goes for you.
A pause. Monica and Phoebe look at Rachel.
Rachel: What?
Monica: Aren't you gonna threaten Ross?
Rachel: No. He gave me his Nana's ring.
Monica: Which has a smaller rock than Emily's ring!
Ross: It's still bigger than the one I proposed to Emily with.
Phoebe: Loosen the purse strings, Ross.
Joey: Hey Ross, did that article say how to make those balls?
Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, and Annette glare at Joey.
Joey: What?
Annette: If anyone proposes to me like that, they'll find his body next to Jimmy Hoffa's.
Joey: Hey, you're the one who told me to get a hobby!
Annette: Making a dung ball is not a hobby!
Joey opens his mouth.
Annette: And you're still not building a TARDIS in the apartment!
Joey: Dammit! What if I got rid of the air hockey table?
Monica: Joey, you can't get rid of the air hockey table! You've had a table in there since you and Chandler had that foosball table.
Joey: I know, but I was thinking we could use the space for a-
Annette: No! No TARDISes, period!
Joey: I was gonna say a pool table.
Chandler: Hey, yeah! That'd be a great idea!
Annette: If you want THAT, just have Rachel lie down on the floor, and you can play off of her chest. God knows it's flat enough.
Rachel glares at Annette.
Rachel: Annette, would you mind getting me a refill? Monica and I have to discuss shopping plans.
Annette: Okay...
Annette takes Rachel's coffee cup, and begins walking toward the counter.
Rachel: I'm suddenly in the mood for Jell-O...
Annette glares at Rachel. Enter Paul and Emily.
Emily: Hi, everyone.
Greetings float back. Emily turns to Monica.
Emily: How are the wedding plans coming along?
Monica reaches behind a pillow, and pulls out a binder.
Monica: I have everything already planned, color-coordinated, and scheduled.
Emily: Really?
Monica: Yep. And 9:27, we have everyone gather for pre-ceremony pictures. 10:52, we have everyone in positions. At 11:31, Emily will start making her way down the aisle. By 12:45, you two will have said your "I Do"s, and at 1:13, we'll have the reception.
Paul: Uh...how long would it take to get all that in effect?
Monica: Six months, if we rehearse daily.
Paul: Yeah, I'm gonna go with no on the schedule. Love the rest of it, though.
Paul looks at Emily.
Paul: I'm gonna get us a coffee, hon.
Emily: Okay.
Paul kisses Emily's cheek and walks to the counter.
Monica: What's wrong with the schedule? We have a schedule!
Emily: Well, six months rehearsal is a little too long. We wanna be married a little sooner.
Monica: But...schedule...
Emily: Is she all right?
Rachel: She'll be fine. How much sooner?
Emily: Six weeks.
Monica: WHAT? Why so soon?
Emily: We...kinda have someone coming soon.
Emily moves a hand over her stomach.
Phoebe: YOU'RE PREGNANT?
Emily: Not so loud!
Phoebe (whispering): YOU'RE PREGNANT?
Emily: Yes. I'm six weeks along, and we want the wedding done as soon as possible.
Chandler: Why?
Emily: Well, for one thing, I wanna be able to FIT into my wedding dress.
Chandler: Inhale.
Emily glares at Chandler. A shriek is heard.
Mike: What happened?
Annette: Paul and his Roman hand goosing me is what happened!
Emily: Paul!
Paul: It was an accident!
Annette: Oh, and I suppose your Russian fingers were just an accident, too?
Joey: Geez, Paul, how many nationalities do you have?
Everyone stares at Joey.
Joey: What?
Emily: Is someone going to correct him?
Chandler: Give him a minute.
A pause. Joey suddenly gasps and points at Paul.
Joey: You touched my girlfriend's butt!
Paul: I swear to God, it was an accident! She was leaning over the counter for something. I reached past her for some sugar, and my hand accidentally…hit her butt.
Annette: Oh, I'm SURE it was an accident!
Paul: It was! Your butt was sticking out!
Rachel: Hard to miss THAT target…
Annette: Shut up, bra stuffer!
Monica hands out sheets to the gang.
Monica: Okay, so everyone has their assignment. Let's go, people, we have work to do!
Monica runs out the door. Paul turns to Ross and Chandler.
Paul: How much caffeine did she have today?
Chandler: Sadly, none.
Paul: Then is that normal?
Ross, Chandler, and Rachel: YES.
Scene ends and opens in the sanctuary of a chapel. Chandler and Monica are standing by the doors, dressed for a wedding. Monica is looking at a clipboard.
Chandler: Man, how did Paul get all this in two weeks?
Monica: Money talks.
Chandler: Guess that explains the fittings being done so fast.
Monica: LOTS of money talks.
Chandler: Really? I wonder what it says.
Monica: It says "Chandler, stop asking your wife so many stupid questions and go do something useful."
Chandler: Like what?
Monica: You can go set up the reception area, for one thing.
A pause.
Chandler: I think I'll go check on Paul.
Monica: That's not being useful.
Chandler: It gets me out of the way.
Monica: THAT'S being useful.
Enter Annette.
Annette: Monica, we have a problem.
Monica: Are the caterers late?
Annette: No.
Monica: Are the flowers wilting?
Annette: No.
Monica: Is Emily throwing up again?
Annette: Yes.
Monica: Then what's the problem?
Annette: The priest got into the Sacramental Wine, and now…
Monica: Oh, please don't tell me!
Annette: He's passed out drunk in the wine cellar.
Monica: Dammit! Where are we gonna get another priest on such short notice?
Chandler: Well, we could get Joey to do it.
Monica: He's supposed to be Paul's ring bearer! I have him assigned to that role!
Chandler: Adapt.
Monica: No! We have a plan! We must not alter the plan!
Annette: Why?
Monica: Because we have a plan!
Annette: So?
Monica: No more questions!
Chandler: Well, it's either we wait for this one to sober up, or we ask Joey to do it.
Monica groans.
Monica: Fine, go ask Joey to do it. And you're taking over ring bearer duties!
Chandler: Hmmm…escort my brother-in-law's ex-wife down the aisle, or hand over rings.
Annette: At least you don't have to listen to Emily throw up every 5 minutes!
Chandler: No, I get to deal with Monica.
A pause.
Annette: You win.
Monica: Chandler, go!
Chandler: I'm going!
Chandler leaves. Scene changes to the groom's room. Paul is standing in front of a full-length mirror, struggling with a bow tie. Ross and Mike are standing nearby. Joey is sitting on a box, eating a sandwich.
Paul: You know, you'd think with all the black tie parties I've been to in my 30 years, I'd have learned to tie one of these things by now…
Ross: What do you normally wear?
Paul: The clip-ons, or the ones with the strap. How did you guys manage to get yours tied?
Mike: We didn't.
Paul: Then how...?
Mike: Clip-on.
Ross: Strap.
Joey (mouth full): Shtap.
Paul glares.
Paul: I hate you all so much...
Mike: Why didn't you just get a clip-on or strap with yours?
Paul: Because it's our wedding day. I was hoping to make it special.
Ross: How? By spending 2 hours trying to tie a bow tie?
Paul: Well, contrary to what the 11th Doctor says, bow ties are NOT cool.
Joey: Hey!
Enter Chandler.
Chandler: Hey, guys? We got a problem.
Ross: Joey didn't spill on his tux, did he?
Joey: Come on, Ross! What kind of person do you take me for?
Ross: The kind that's gonna spill food on a rental, and ruin any chance to get the deposit back.
Paul: Actually, Jimmy's is a bought one.
Mike: How did you-?
Paul: Emily warned me.
Joey: Well, how did she know? And it's Joey, for like, the hundredth time.
Ross: I told her about it.
Joey: Why would you tell her a thing like that?
Ross: Hey, she WAS my wife. And you're not exactly known for clean eating.
Mike: Okay, before those two get into it, what's the problem?
Chandler: Well, you remember those "a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar" jokes we were making all last week?
Ross: What about them?
Chandler: This one is no joke.
Paul: Oh, please don't tell me...
Chandler: The priest is passed out drunk, and they can't send anyone else over until tomorrow.
Paul: Dammit! This wedding is ruined!
Ross: Welcome to the club, Paul.
Chandler: Not necessarily. There IS one person who could marry you two today...
Paul: Who?
Ross, Mike, and Chandler stare at Joey.
Joey: OH, no! No way!
Ross: Joey, you're an ordained minister. You have the authority to marry these two.
Joey: So? He tried to buy off Annette last time I saw him! Besides, how do we know he isn't doing it to protect his inheritance? I'm not gonna marry someone just so they can save their money.
Joey begins walking toward the door.
Paul: Joey, wait.
Ross, Joey, Chandler, and Mike stare at Paul in shock.
Paul: I know I did you wrong in the past, but I am asking for your help today. I love Emily, and I want us to be married when our baby arrives. Please, help me marry her.
A pause.
Paul: Please don't make me beg...
Mike: Joey?
Joey: I'm gonna need a frock.
Ross: On the plus side, you can use Joey's strap instead of fighting with that bow tie.
Paul glares at Ross. Scene ends and opens in the sanctuary. Paul and Emily are standing at the altar. Mike is sitting at the organ, playing the end of the Wedding March. Joey is standing before them, dressed in a frock.
Joey: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...
Credits roll.
CREDITS SCENE
Scene opens in Central Perk. Ross, Rachel, and Joey are sitting on the couch. Annette is sitting in the armchair. Phoebe and Mike are sitting in the chairs at the end table. Enter Monica and Chandler.
Monica: Hey guys, we just got an e-mail from Paul and Emily! They said thank you for the wedding help, and sent a deposit of $1,000 to all of us for our help.
Rachel: Great! There was this little tiara I saw on sale, that'd look good on Emma for the pageant...
Monica and Rachel glare at each other.
Monica: It's mine, Green!
Rachel: Not if I get it first, Bing!
Monica and Rachel run out the door.
(A/N I'm sorry this was so late, but I'm getting into the swing of my HW assignments for class. Also had a lot of personal issues come up. I was gonna do an entire episode for Paul & Emily's wedding, but I kinda lost steam over it. I'm starting work immediately on 11, so HOPEFULLY it won't take quite as long. HOPEFULLY. And Happy Valentine's Day to people who have someone to celebrate with.)