Scene opens in Joey and Annette's bedroom. Annette is asleep in Joey's bed.
Man (singing): Morning's here! The morning's here! Sunshine is here! The sky is clear, the morning's here!
Annette rolls over, and sees Joey leaning out the window.
Joey and man (singing): Hey, get into gear. Breakfast is near. The dark of night has disappeared!
Annette groans, and covers her head with a pillow.
Annette (muffled): Sleeping person here!
Joey: Oh, you're up. Hey, what's for breakfast?
Annette hits Joey with her pillow. Theme song and title sequence plays.
So no one told you life was gonna be this way.
Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA.
It's like you're always stuck in second gear.
Well, it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.
But, I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.
I'll be there for you, like I've been there before.
I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too.
Scene opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross is standing at the counter, fixing breakfast. Emma is sitting in her high chair, eating cereal. Enter Rachel.
Ross: Hi, sweetie.
Rachel: Coffee.
Ross hands Rachel a cup of coffee. Rachel leans against the counter, sipping.
Ross: So listen, I have a lecture this afternoon on the diet of the Tyrannosaurus. Which is interesting, because the carnivores of the period-
Rachel raises her hand.
Rachel: Ross, what's the rule?
Ross: No dino talk until after 3 cups of coffee.
Rachel: And how many has this been?
Ross: …your first.
Rachel: So…?
Ross: I'll shut up now.
Rachel: Good answer.
Enter Annette.
Annette: Out of coffee, need coffee…
Ross: And good morning to you too, sunshine.
Annette: Coffee.
Ross: You know, you DO work in a coffee house-
Annette: Coffee.
Ross: I don't have a lot of-
Annette: COFFEE!
Ross hands Annette a cup of coffee.
Rachel: What is that NOISE?
Annette opens the door. Joey is heard singing "Morning's here!". Annette slams the door.
Annette: Does THAT answer it for you?
Ross: Pretty loud singing for someone in the kitchen.
Annette: That was from the BATHROOM. He's in the shower.
Rachel sets down her coffee, and exits. A few minutes later, Joey is heard screaming. Enter Rachel.
Rachel: There, he won't be singing anymore.
Annette: What'd you do?
Rachel: Flushed the toilet.
Annette nods in approval. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Monica, Joey, and Annette are sitting on the couch. Ross and Rachel are sharing the chair. Chandler is sitting in the chair at the end table.
Monica: So I'm having my ultrasound done today. Who wants to go?
Chandler: Oh gee, I'd love to go with you, but I have an important assignment for work I need to get done-
Monica: Great. So who else besides Chandler wants to go?
Chandler: Hi. Hello. Chandler.
Joey: Dude, what're you doing?
Chandler: Oh good, so you CAN hear me. Which means my wife is deaf.
Joey: Really?
Joey knocks over a coffee cup, spilling its contents. Monica glares at Joey.
Joey: What?
Monica: Why did you spill that drink?
Joey: Chandler said you were deaf. Deaf people can't see, right?
Chandler: I don't think the English language has a word to describe the level of stupid you just reached with that comment.
Rachel: Honey, that's blind people you're thinking of. Deaf people can't HEAR.
Joey: Monica can't be here?
Joey turns to Monica and pats her thigh.
Joey: Don't worry; I'll bring some of their coffee to your house next time I'm over.
Chandler rubs his temples.
Chandler: Oh god…I actually felt my IQ drop…
Monica: You're going, so suck it up.
Monica turns to Rachel.
Monica: Rachel, do you wanna go? Moral support?
Rachel: I can't. We have to go out to Long Island and talk to Daddy this afternoon about the wedding.
Monica looks at Ross.
Monica: Are you gonna be okay with seeing him?
Ross: I'd rather teach Joey French again…
Joey: Joo beh plem.
Ross: …but I'll manage.
Annette: What's the problem?
Rachel: Daddy has…opinions when it comes to Ross.
Joey: That means he doesn't like him.
Annette: THANK you, Dr. Obvious. I got that.
Chandler: Hey. I do the sarcasm in this gang, thank you.
Annette: So where were you on that one?
Chandler: …daydreaming about not going to the doctor's office.
Monica: YOU knocked me up, you're going!
Chandler: Fine.
Joey pulls out his phone and presses a button. A whip crack is heard. Chandler glares at Joey.
Chandler: Not funny.
Joey: Just saying.
Annette: Honey, will you get me another coffee?
Joey: Sure.
Joey walks toward the counter. A whip crack is heard. Joey turns around to see Annette holding his phone.
Annette: Just saying.
Joey bumps his fists together. Scene ends and opens in Joey and Annette's apartment. Annette is sitting in the chair, reading a book. Enter Joey.
Joey: Hey.
Annette: Hey.
Joey: What're you reading?
Annette: A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens.
Joey: Is it any good?
Annette: Yeah, but you wouldn't like it.
Joey: What? Why not?
Annette: Because it has big words and no pictures.
Joey glares at Annette. Annette giggles.
Joey: Are you gonna be making fun of me for the rest of the day?
Annette: No, of course not!
Joey: Good.
Annette: I'm gonna be making fun of you for the next TWO days.
Joey grabs Annette's chair and begins to spin it around. Annette squeals.
Annette: Joey, stop! You're making me dizzy!
Joey: Say you'll stop making fun of me!
Annette: Okay, okay! I won't make fun of you!
Joey stops spinning the chair. Annette stands up.
Annette: If I throw up, I'm doing it on your chair.
Joey: Don't you dare throw up on Rosita!
Annette: You SERIOUSLY named the chair Rosita?
Joey: Are we gonna have a problem here?
Annette: Nooooo. I'm just gonna throw up on the bed.
Annette walks into Joey's room.
Joey: Don't you throw up on Ted!
Annette (from bedroom): Stop naming everything!
A knock is heard. Joey opens the door. Enter Mr. Tribbiani.
Joey: Dad?
Mr. Tribbiani: Junior!
Joey: Dad, not so loud!
Enter Annette.
Annette: Junior?
Joey: Oh, God…
Mr. Tribbiani: So, uh, who's she?
Joey: Dad, this is my girlfriend and roommate, Annette. Annette, meet my dad.
Mr. Tribbiani: Joe Tribbiani.
Annette: Annette Peters.
Joey: So what are you doing here, anyway?
Mr. Tribbiani: Well, there's a work conference in town, and I thought I'd stop by and see my favorite boy.
Joey: Dad…
Mr. Tribbiani: Okay, fine. Your mother and I heard about your girlfriend, and I decided I had to see her for myself.
Joey: Where IS Mom, anyway?
Mr. Tribbiani: Shopping. She sends her love.
Annette: Great! Well, I'll go prep the spare bedroom for you two.
Annette exits to her room. Mr. Tribbiani turns to Joey.
Mr. Tribbiani: Nice knockers.
Joey: I know, huh?
Annette (from bedroom): I heard that!
Scene ends and opens in a waiting room. Monica is sitting in a chair, reading a magazine. Chandler is sitting next to her, fidgeting.
Monica: Chandler, sit still! You're making all these people nervous!
Chandler looks at all the people reading, or watching TV.
Chandler: Oh, you're right! How shall I make it up to the masses who are complaining about my fidgeting?
Monica glares at Chandler.
Monica: Okay, fine! You're making ME nervous, now knock it off!
Chandler: Why am I here, again?
Monica: I'm starting to ask myself the same thing.
Enter Phoebe and Mike.
Phoebe: Hey, you guys!
Monica: Hi!
Phoebe: What are you guys doing here?
Chandler: We heard the rumors about the stork, so we decided we had to check it out for ourselves.
Phoebe: Rumors? What rumors? Is the stork okay?
Chandler: Well, it seems he owes Cupid some money, and when he didn't pay, the chubby little cherub sent some guys over to break his wings.
Phoebe: Oh my god! What room is he in?
Chandler: The padded one with the men in white jackets!
Monica: Chandler, go play with the Legos!
Chandler: Fine. But if little Jimmy starts muscling into my neighborhood again, I'm going home.
Chandler walks away.
Monica: I swear it's like I'm raising 5 kids.
Phoebe: Five?
Monica: Jack, Erica, this one-
Monica points to her stomach.
Monica: -Joey, and Chandler.
Phoebe: Well, at least you'll have practice when this one is born.
Chandler and Mike race by in wheelchairs.
Monica: WHAT are you two doing?
Chandler: We're having a wheelchair race.
A pause.
Monica: I got 5 bucks says Chandler beats him!
Mike: You're on!
Phoebe: Make it ten!
Monica: Twenty!
Mike: A hundred!
Monica: Done!
Chandler: We don't have that kind of money right now!
Monica: Shut up & wheel, Bing!
Phoebe turns to the woman seated next to her.
Phoebe: I sleep with him.
Woman: That's nice, dear. Always marry a winner.
Phoebe: We are married.
Phoebe turns to Mike.
Phoebe: Kick his ass, honey!
Monica: Don't you make me lose that bet!
Chandler and Mike race past in their wheelchairs. Scene ends and opens in front of Dr. Green's house. Ross and Rachel are standing on the porch.
Rachel: Ready, honey?
Ross: Sure. I mean, I'm just basically walking through the Gates of Hell to meet the devil, but yeah. I'm ready.
Rachel: Ross, please? I know Daddy can be a little abrasive toward you, but can you just try to get along with him tonight? For me?
Ross sighs.
Ross: All right. But if he starts in, I'm leaving.
Rachel: Thank you. Love you.
Ross: Let's just get this nightmare over with.
Scene changes to the interior of the house. Enter Ross and Rachel.
Rachel: Hello? Daddy?
Enter Dr. Green.
Dr. Green: Hi, sweet pea!
Rachel: Hi, Daddy!
Rachel and Dr. Green hug.
Dr. Green: How's my granddaughter? The only GOOD thing that ever came out of your relationship with that dino-brained loser…
Ross clears his throat.
Dr. Green: Oh, I didn't see you there, Geller. What're you doing here?
Ross: I, uh, I came with Rachel.
Dr. Green: So I guess she hasn't gotten over that habit of taking in strays. Well, you might as well come in, unless you plan on standing there all night.
Dr. Green turns and begins walking into the next room. Ross opens his mouth. Rachel elbows Ross.
Rachel (quietly): You promised!
Dr. Green (from other room): Are you coming? Or should I call one of my other daughters to come over, so you can knock her up too, Geller?
Ross growls. Rachel takes his hand, squeezes it, and walks into the room with Ross.
Rachel: Daddy, Ross and I have some really big news to tell you.
Dr. Green: What?
Rachel: We're getting married!
Dr. Green: You're WHAT?
Ross: Not quite the reaction we were hoping for…
Dr. Green: You're marrying THIS wet head?
Rachel: Daddy! Ross is not a wet head!
Dr. Green: The hell he isn't! He plays with dinosaurs for a living! He cheated on you, got you pregnant outside of wedlock, and now you're standing here, telling me the reason you turned down a successful career opportunity in Paris is to marry HIM? Of all the people you could have picked to marry, you picked GELLER, the wet head? What were you thinking? You should have married Barry!
Rachel: I didn't love Barry!
Dr. Green: Love has nothing to do with it! You could have married Barry, and been financially stable for the rest of your life, but instead you decided to disgrace our family name by marrying this…this…LOSER!
Ross: All right, that's it! I've heard enough out of you!
Ross whirls around and jabs a finger at Dr. Green.
Ross: You're so busy patting yourself on the back, that you can't see how much your daughter's changed! I made mistakes with her, and we had our ups and downs, but she forgave me for them! I thought you might be able to do the same, but you can't see past your own ego to even do THAT! Emma's going to grow up, wondering why her daddy and grandpa can't even be in the same room with one another, and YOU'LL have to be the one who explains to her that you're a selfish, condescending, egotistical BASTARD! Don't bother showing me to the door, I'll see myself out.
Ross turns to Rachel.
Ross: See you at home.
Ross exits. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Annette and Mr. Tribbiani are sitting on the couch, laughing.
Mr. Tribbiani: And when we opened the kitchen door, there was Joey, just covered from head to toe in flour.
Annette (laughing): What did he say?
Mr. Tribbiani: He said he was trying to rescue the jar from a ghost.
Annette laughs.
Annette: Did you believe him?
Mr. Tribbiani: Not even for a second. His sisters ended up teasing him for weeks, calling him Casper. We figured that was punishment enough.
Enter Joey.
Joey: Hey.
Annette: Hi, Casper.
Joey: What?
Mr. Tribbiani: I was just telling Annette about the time you tried to blame the flour jar falling on you on a ghost.
Joey: Dad!
Annette: A ghost, Joey?
Joey: It really WAS a ghost!
Annette: Is this the same ghost that supposedly keeps stealing my cookies?
Joey: You saw him too?
Annette shakes her head, and stands up.
Annette: I have to get to work. It was nice meeting you, Joe.
Mr. Tribbiani: And it was nice meeting you too, Annette.
Annette walks off. Joey turns to his dad.
Joey: How could you tell her about Casper?
Mr. Tribbiani: Son, you remember what your mother and I always told you when you were growing up?
Joey: "Don't make that face at your sisters, or it'll freeze like that"?
Mr. Tribbiani: No, the other thing.
Joey: "Don't eat the yellow snow"?
Mr. Tribbiani: No, the thing about dating.
Joey: "Quit spying on your sister and her date"?
Mr. Tribbiani: No! There's someone out there for everyone.
Joey: You and Ma never told me that.
Mr. Tribbiani: Maybe it was Gina we told that to...anyway, the point I'm trying to make is, Annette's your someone.
Joey: We haven't even been dating that long!
Mr. Tribbiani: Your ma and I only went on two dates before we were married. Besides, she beat you in a hot dog eating contest. You know how rare it is for a Tribbiani to be beaten in an eating contest?
Joey: Not since Uncle Stan beat you that one Thanksgiving.
Mr. Tribbiani: He cheated! He HAD to have!
Joey: He didn't cheat, Annette did!
Annette: I heard that!
Scene ends and opens in an exam room. Monica is sitting on the table. Chandler is standing nearby.
Chandler: Love you.
Monica: Don't talk to me.
Chandler: I said I was sorry!
Monica: You made me lose a bet, Chandler! AND you almost ran over that poor woman! You should've been more careful!
Chandler: ME? YOU were the one standing there yelling, "Bowl her over, Bing!"
Monica: You swerved!
Chandler: I didn't swerve, Mike shoved me!
Enter the doctor.
Doctor: Sorry to keep you waiting.
Monica: That's fine.
Chandler: Sorry about running over your foot.
Doctor: Oh, that's all right. The blood spurting into my shoe made a nice gel insert.
The doctor opens the folder, and looks at its contents.
Doctor: Well, I have good news for you. You're not pregnant.
Monica: What? How can that be? I came in here for a trimester exam!
Doctor: Aren't you A. Peters?
Monica: No, we're the Bings!
Doctor: My files must have gotten mixed up when that other guy you were racing dashed by my clerk. Excuse me; I'll get yours in just a moment.
The doctor leaves. Monica turns to Chandler.
Monica: Did you hear what he just said?
Chandler: Yeah. Mike cheated in that race.
Monica: Not that! Although, that's grounds for a rematch. A. Peters, Chandler! You don't suppose he meant Annette, do you?
Monica and Chandler look at each other. Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross is sitting at the table, grading papers. A knock is heard. Ross walks over, and opens the door, to reveal Dr. Green.
Ross: Rachel isn't here, Dr. Green.
Dr. Green: I know. She left my place about an hour or two ago. I'm here to talk to you, Geller. Can I come in?
Ross steps aside. Dr. Green enters, and closes the door.
Ross: I think we both said everything that could be said earlier.
Dr. Green: No, we didn't.
Ross: So what, you're here to tell me how much of a failure I am, and how I'm not good enough for Rachel, no matter what I say or do?
Dr. Green: No, actually, I came over to apologize for the way I acted toward you earlier.
Ross stares in disbelief.
Dr. Green: What?
Ross: I'm sorry, it's just...that was the last thing I expected to hear you say.
Dr. Green: Believe me, I wouldn't normally be doing it, but after you left, I got read the riot act by Rachel.
Ross and Dr. Green shudder.
Ross: I'm sorry to hear that.
Dr. Green: It's not your fault. Look, Geller, you were right about the things you said to me. I HAVE been hard on you, because when she began dating you, I was still seeing her being married to Barry. I didn't think you were good enough for Rachel, and even more so after you cheated on her.
Ross: We were on a break!
Dr. Green: Break or not, it doesn't matter. You still cheated on her. And I judged you based solely on that. But after tonight, after seeing how you stood up to me, and how Rachel stood up for you, made me realize that maybe it's time I DID put the past behind me, and start accepting you. Whether I like it or not, you and Rachel are getting married. So, from this selfish, condescending, egotistical bastard...I'm sorry.
Ross: Thanks...Dad.
Dr. Green glares.
Ross: Dr. Green?
Dr. Green: Leonard. Baby steps, Ross.
Dr. Green holds out his hand. Ross smiles, and shakes it.
Dr. Green: Welcome to the family.
Enter Rachel.
Rachel: Daddy! What are you doing here?
Dr. Green: Hi, sweet pea. I came over to talk to Ross.
Rachel: What, to berate him some more and make him feel like dirt in OUR home?
Dr. Green: Of course not. I-
Rachel: What? Threatened his job, made him feel like he wasn't good enough for me?
Ross: Rach-
Rachel: Because if that's what all this was about, let me tell you something! I love him, and we're going to be married, whether you like it or not!
Dr. Green: Rachel, no one is-
Rachel: And if you think you can stop it, you better just think again! Because I'll-
Dr. Green and Ross: RACHEL!
Rachel: WHAT?
Ross: He didn't come over to berate me or anything like that, he came over to apologize.
Rachel: Really?
Dr. Green: Yes. Whether I agree with it or not, you and Ross are getting married. So I can either be mad about it, or accept it. I chose to accept it.
Rachel: Oh, Daddy, thank you!
Rachel hugs Dr. Green.
Dr. Green: You're welcome, honey. Have you two given any thoughts to where you want to be married at?
Ross: Well, since we can't afford a big wedding, we figured a simple ceremony here in town.
Dr. Green: Absolutely not! She's the first of my daughters to be married, she deserves her big day. I'll be paying for this.
Rachel: Really?
Dr. Green: Really.
Rachel: Honey, we can afford that Hawaii wedding now!
Dr. Green: Hawaii is overrated. Why not the Bahamas?
Ross: Because Phoebe and Monica are pregnant, and they'll smash everything in sight if they can't be there.
Dr. Green: Then as my wedding present to you two, I'll fly everyone there on my private jet. None of your friends are missing that wedding.
Rachel squeals.
Rachel: Ross, we're getting married in the Bahamas!
Rachel hugs Ross. Credits roll.
CREDITS SCENE
Scene opens in Central Perk. Annette is standing by the couch, talking to herself.
Annette: Okay, tables cleared, floor swept and mopped...oh, right.
Annette walks over and knocks on a door.
Annette: Hey closet people, you got five minutes to finish. I'm closing up.
Annette walks into the back. Enter Mr. and Mrs. Tribbiani, from the closet.
Mrs. Tribbiani: Well, that was...exciting.
Mr. Tribbiani: The kids were right: that IS fun.
Mr. and Mrs. Tribbiani walk out the door.
(Silence will fall...when the question is asked.)