Scene opens in Phoebe and Mike's bedroom. Phoebe and Mike are asleep in bed. Phoebe sits up and shakes Mike.
Phoebe: Mike! Mike, wake up!
Mike rolls over.
Mike: What?
Phoebe: I just had a terrible thought about the baby!
Mike sits up.
Mike: Oh my god, is everything all right?
Phoebe: Honey, what if our baby grows up to be…a Republican?
Mike glares at Phoebe.
Mike: I'm going back to sleep now.
Mike lies back down. Phoebe reaches over, and dials a number.
Monica (sleepily from phone): Hello?
Phoebe: Monica! I just had a terrible thought! What if our baby grows up to be a Republican?
Scene changes to Monica and Chandler's bedroom. Monica glares at the phone, before hanging up. Theme song and title sequence plays.
So no one told you life was gonna be this way.
Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA.
It's like you're always stuck in second gear.
Well, it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.
But, I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.
I'll be there for you, like I've been there before.
I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too.
Scene opens in Central Perk. Monica, Chandler, and Rachel are sitting on the couch. Phoebe is sitting in the armchair. Ross and Joey are sitting in the chairs at the end table. Annette is sitting in Joey's lap. Mike is sitting at the counter. Phoebe is talking to her stomach.
Phoebe: Mommy loves you. Yes, Mommy loves you, even if you do turn out to be a stuffy conservative. PLEASE don't be a Republican…
Monica: I feel your pain, sweetie. Chandler and I don't want our baby to be a Republican, either.
Chandler: I thought you said "I hope our baby doesn't turn out to be some liberal, tree-hugging hippie who wakes her friends at 2 in the morning over stupid stuff".
Monica stomps on Chandler's foot. Chandler grimaces in pain.
Monica: Like I said, Chandler and I agree with you. Don't we, honey?
Chandler (weakly): Yep.
Rachel: Hey, how come we didn't get a phone call last night?
Phoebe: I didn't wanna interrupt you guys.
Rachel: We weren't busy at all.
The gang glares at Rachel.
Rachel: We weren't! Ross started up one of his dino lectures for his class, and Emma and I passed out 5 minutes into it.
Chandler: Congratulations, Ross. Your lectures have reached a whole new level of boring.
Ross: I needed someone to try out my lecture on!
Chandler: And you decided your FAMILY was the right guinea pig to bore to sleep?
Ross: I'll have you know, Emma enjoyed it.
Rachel: Honey, she wasn't enjoying it. Her eyes were glazed over from how BORING it was!
Monica: Hey, Ross? We're having trouble getting the kids to go to sleep. You think you could come over tonight and lecture to them for about 10 minutes?
Ross bumps his fists together. Scene ends and opens in Mike and Phoebe's apartment. Phoebe is sitting on the couch, reading out loud.
Phoebe: And this is the color Blue. Blue is a GOOD color, because it's the color of a Democrat.
Phoebe turns a page.
Phoebe: Oh, and this is Purple. Purple is all right, because it's a middle of the road color. But we don't like red.
Enter Mike.
Mike: Hi, sweetie.
Phoebe: Hi!
Mike kisses Phoebe.
Mike: What're you doing?
Phoebe: Reading a color book to the baby.
Mike walks into the kitchen.
Mike (from kitchen): Uh, Pheebs…why is the page with the color red in the trash can?
Phoebe: Because red represents the Republican party! I am NOT going to have our baby exposed to anything that represents a bunch of stuffy conservatives! I don't want it to end up like your parents!
Mike walks out and hands Phoebe a spoon and tub of ice cream.
Mike: Honey, I don't think you need to worry about that.
Phoebe: Why?
Mike: Because half of our baby's genes come from you! And NO baby that's half you can possibly be a Republican.
Phoebe: How do you know?
Mike: With the life you've led, & as fun as you are? You CAN'T be a conservative. Besides, Annette and I came from that lifestyle, and we're perfectly fine.
Phoebe: Yeah, but you guys are considered the black sheep of your families.
A pause.
Mike: Move over.
Phoebe: Why?
Mike: Because now I'm depressed, and I want some of that ice cream.
Mike sits down on the couch, as Phoebe passes him the spoon. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch. Annette is working behind the counter.
Monica: Honey, save my seat.
Chandler looks around the empty coffeehouse.
Chandler: From what? The rampaging hordes of non-existent customers?
Monica glares at Chandler.
Monica: Just save my seat.
Monica stands up and walks off. Enter Joey.
Joey: Hey.
Chandler: Hey.
Joey sits down in Monica's seat.
Chandler: Move.
Joey: What?
Chandler: Move over.
Joey: Why?
Chandler: Monica's sitting there.
Joey: So? Am I not allowed to sit next to my best friend in the whole world?
Chandler: Ross started up another dino lecture, didn't he?
Joey: It was horrible, Chandler! He started up on me and Rachel, and we got so bored, we fell asleep!
Enter Ross.
Ross: Hey.
Chandler: Hey.
Ross: You busy?
Chandler: Why, you still working on that lecture?
Ross: Yes.
Chandler: Sorry, I'm protecting Monica's spot from Joey.
Joey: Why do I have to move?
Chandler: Because it's easier for Monica to get up from that spot, that's why. And contrary to what you keep thinking, she did NOT swallow a basketball.
Joey: So how do you explain that bulge under her shirt?
Chandler: She's 4 months pregnant! So is Phoebe! You didn't wonder why Monica's been having mood swings?
Joey: Well, I thought she was just being Monica!
A pause.
Ross: You know, he's got a point.
Chandler: Yeah, I'll give him that one.
Ross: So, can I bounce a few ideas off of you?
Chandler: Yeah, just give me a second. I gotta do something, won't take long. Just a couple of seconds.
Chandler turns to Joey.
Chandler: GET UP!
Ross: Is this going to end up being like the time you two fought over the chair?
Chandler: No, because Joey's going to slide his butt over, and get out of Monica's spot.
Joey props his feet up on the coffee table.
Joey: Actually, I think I'm pretty comfortable right here.
Scene changes to Monica standing by the counter.
Monica: Hey Annette, can I get a lemonade?
Annette: Sure. But weren't you drinking coffee before, though?
Monica: No. The doctor said caffeine is bad for the baby.
Annette: Really?
Monica: Yeah.
Annette: Then why are you holding a coffee cup in your hand?
Monica glares at Annette.
Monica (mocking): "Why are you holding a coffee cup in your hands?" Just give me a lemonade!
Annette hands Monica a lemonade, and begins to wipe the counter.
Monica: Speaking of pregnancies, there's something I've been meaning to mention to you: when we were at the doctor's office the other day, he mentioned that an A. Peters wasn't pregnant. Did you have a pregnancy scare?
Annette looks up startled.
Annette: Monica, why don't you show me that problem with the sign that you noticed, so we can fix it?
Monica: What are you ta-?
Annette drags Monica outside. Scene changes to Central Perk's exterior. Monica stares at Annette.
Monica: What was that about?
Annette: How did you find out about my visit?
Monica: The doctor got my records mixed up. So it WAS you?
Annette: Yes. I was late, and I thought I was pregnant, so I went to the doctor. But you CANNOT tell anyone.
Monica: Why not?
Annette: Because I don't want Joey to find out. He'd overreact, and I don't wanna have to deal with it. Does Chandler know about this?
Monica: Yeah, he was in the room with me when the doctor said something.
Annette: Please, I am begging you two. DO NOT TELL ANYONE.
Monica: Okay, we won't say anything to anyone.
Annette: Thank you.
Monica: Now that that's settled: seriously? JOEY?
Annette: Hey, he's better than you think he is.
Monica: Oh, thanks a lot. Now I'm gonna have THAT image in my head all day!
Annette grins. Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross is standing in the living room, lecturing.
Ross: And that's why the carnivores of the period were thought to live along what we know of today as the Siberian coast.
Ross turns around, to see Ben and Emma asleep on the couch. Rachel is staring straight ahead.
Ross: Rachel.
Rachel continues to stare.
Ross: RACHEL!
Rachel: Huh?
Ross: Oh, come on! My lecture wasn't THAT bad!
Rachel: Ross, the KIDS are asleep. What does that tell you?
Enter Phoebe.
Phoebe: Hey.
Ross: Hey.
Phoebe: Are you guys busy?
Ross: Yes, actually. I was in the middle of fine tuning-
Rachel: NO, we're free! What's up?
Phoebe: Can I talk to you?
Rachel: Sure, what's up?
Phoebe: When you were pregnant with Emma, did you ever worry about her turning out like Ross?
Rachel: What, you mean with the whole liking dinos thing?
Phoebe: Yeah.
Rachel: No, I worried more about her getting my old nose.
Phoebe: Well, I'm really worried that our baby will turn out to be a Republican.
Rachel: Why?
Phoebe: Have you MET Mike's parents?
Rachel: Phoebe, have you met YOU?
Phoebe: What's that supposed to mean?
Rachel: It means you are the most free-spirited person I know. You live each day like you're in some kind of romance movie, you believe in reincarnation, you talk to the spirit of your dead grandma, and you never seem to have a bad day. Hell, ROSS and I don't wake up that happy! You are gonna be a great mother, Phoebe. And I highly doubt your baby is gonna turn into a Republican, if it's half you.
Phoebe: Aw, thanks, Rachel.
Rachel and Phoebe hug. Enter Joey.
Joey: Hey, Ross, do you have any-?
Joey pauses, seeing Rachel and Phoebe, and grins.
Joey: HEEEEEEY.
Phoebe and Rachel glare at Joey. Scene ends and opens in Mike and Phoebe's apartment. Phoebe is sitting on the couch, reading. Enter Mike.
Mike: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey.
Mike and Phoebe kiss.
Mike: How are you two doing?
Phoebe: We're all right. I'm teaching it why the Republicans are a bad party.
Mike: Phoebe...
Phoebe: Mike, I have to! I can't let this baby end up like your parents!
Mike sits down on the couch.
Mike: Honey, do you love me?
Phoebe: What?
Mike: Do you love me?
Phoebe: Of course I do!
Mike: Do you trust me?
Phoebe: Yes.
Mike: Even though I grew up in the same house as my parents?
Phoebe: Yes. But you're nothing like them!
Mike: So what makes you think our baby will turn out like my parents?
Phoebe: Because it's half you! Which means it has your parents in it!
Mike: Phoebe, will this baby being a Republican mean you love it any less?
Phoebe: No!
Mike: So why are you freaking out?
Phoebe: Because if it turns into a Republican, it'll grow up to hate me!
Phoebe begins crying.
Phoebe: And I can't stand the idea of my baby hating me, Mike!
Mike hugs Phoebe.
Mike: Pheebs, I promise you, this baby will grow up loving you every day.
Phoebe: How do you know?
Mike: Because it's half me, and I love you every day. Every morning when I wake up, I look over at you and thank God that you're my wife. And this baby will think the same thing every day.
Phoebe smiles and wipes her eyes.
Phoebe: Thanks, Mike. I love you, too.
Mike: I know.
Phoebe leans in and hugs Mike again.
Phoebe: Mike?
Mike: Hm?
Phoebe: Can we name the baby Rain if it's a girl?
Mike: Uh...we'll discuss that one down the road.
Phoebe laughs. Scene ends and opens in Joey and Annette's apartment. Annette is sitting in her chair, watching TV. Enter Monica, holding three trays.
Monica: Hey.
Annette: Hey. Whatcha got there?
Monica: Joey's lasagna delivery.
Annette: You're STILL doing those?
Monica: Would you rather drive him an hour to our place so he can raid the fridge at 2 in the morning?
A pause.
Annette: Carry on.
Monica: Oh, I talked to Chandler. I told him the A. Peters was someone else, so he won't tell Joey about your pregnancy scare.
Annette: Thanks, Mon. I owe you.
Monica: You haven't told Rachel, have you?
Annette: No, and Phoebe doesn't know.
Monica: Why not?
Annette: Because I don't want Mike freaking out and trying to hurt Joey.
Monica: Why would he do that?
Annette: Mike and I were as close as brother and sister growing up, and he's a little...overprotective. So PLEASE don't say anything.
Monica: I won't.
Annette: Thanks.
Monica: So do you wanna-?
Monica gasps and puts a hand over her stomach.
Annette: What?
Monica: My baby just kicked!
Annette: Really? Can I feel?
Monica places Annette's hand on her stomach. Annette squeals.
Annette: Oh my god! Monica, that is AWESOME!
Monica: I know!
Monica and Annette hug, laughing. Enter Joey.
Joey: HEEEEEEEEEEY. Is this my lucky day, or what?
Monica and Annette glare at Joey. Credits roll.
CREDITS SCENE
Scene opens in Ross's classroom. Ross is facing a screen with a PowerPoint slide.
Ross: And so, thanks to Russian scientist Ivan Petroler, we know now that the common blue jay of our era was descended from the large dinosaurs which dominated much of the Jurassic period. Now, in 1928-
Ross turns around to see the class asleep at their desks. Several snores are heard.
Ross: Maybe I should've listened to Rachel on this one.
Ross shrugs, turns around, and continues lecturing.