Before the Journey and the Rest Chapter 7: Alone, Pt 1, a naruto fanfic

Warnings: yaoi, coarse language, violence, steadily building angst, will eventually have NC-17 lemon. Specific warnings posted for each chapter. severe length warning this chapter pt 1 and 2... (seriously - over 7400 words so far and 2 more points of view to go - so I broke it into 2 parts) also rambling Kakashi fever dreams in between the /\/\/\ 's
Disclaimer: You know Naruto and its characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto, because if I owned them, yaoi pairings would be canon… "Alone" lyrics belong to Big Country

To Hatochan, for marmalade and bobby pins… and damn pink hair ribbons... Occurs several weeks after the end of "Odd Admiration" within the Tolerant Intolerance universe, (early November) with permission from Hatochan. First prequel, Song for a Winter's Dawn, is in progress on my Livejournal and Story title comes from Big Country's "Fields of Fire"

Before the Journey and the Rest: Chapter 7, Pt 1

Alone
The mid-day sky was grey and purple
At least it wasn't blue
I want the sky to be the way I am
And what I do
For I have been a lost and lonely
Sailor on your sea
Run aground by trusting signals
You were sending me

The streets are filled with empty faces
Nothing here is new
It's just the same in other places
I have journeyed to
I was the first across the water
The last across the land
I walked out of the silver mine
My pockets full of sand

Alone inside my head
Alone inside my room
I feel alone inside my head
Alone inside my tiny little world

It's not my life in those old pictures
The ones you threw away
For I was always someone else
And always far away
Walking in the darkest places
Where the mission meets
Waiting for the ground to open up
Beneath my feet

Alone inside my head
Alone inside my room
I feel alone inside my head
Alone inside my tiny little world

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Heat. Fierce and intense. Sweltering. Tossing and turning. Broken words spilling from lips, cracked and dry. Torment. Body aching. Mind hazy. Hard to breathe. Hurts. Torture? Must fight... won't give away information... must fight enemy... Soft unintelligible voices, sturdy arms. No! Bitter liquid dribbled between bleeding lips. Weak struggles. Muffled sobs. Dark oblivion dragging down into welcoming embrace...

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Ibiki shuffled through the stack of papers, making sure for perhaps the tenth time that day that all was running smoothly, that they overlooked nothing in their planning. He still saw no flaw, no forgotten loophole, nothing to throw a kink in their strategy. He still read the list yet one more time.

One high-level ANBU squad to patrol this sector, ostensibly responding to reports of "questionable activity," information Ibiki himself had carefully had filtered into the intelligence data of the last twenty-four hours. At least the heavy snow that had begun late the night before and continued today had at least one advantage; tracking any intruders was much easier.

This sector had been added to the randomly rotating list of areas off-limits for training and recreation, a ploy to keep out any nosy visitors.

Official authorization specifically stating permission to be in the area was required on person at all times, or else face immediate incarceration by the ANBU team on duty. All visitors to be checked each time for authorization. All visitors. Tsunade had grumbled a bit, but made no formal complaint.

On paper, Kakashi and Iruka had been sent out on a low-profile, high security mission of indeterminate length, with backup support from Genma and Raidou. They would notify Shikamaru the following day of the need to cover Iruka's classes Monday morning, which would give Iruka today and the next day to revise the hastily assembled notes and lesson plans retrieved in all stealth by Genma the night before.

One of the very highest level ANBU squads had been given the detail of misdirection. They had been told they were providing distraction so Kakashi could complete his mission in secret. The few members who bore some similar physical resemblance to the copy nin used a henge to transform into another form, to look like Kakashi pretending to be someone else in stealth. Hopefully this would be enough to fool any random ninja they ran into. The other members of the squad transformed into a henge of Kakashi himself, and were given the task of circulating visibly, along with several clones, in various heavily populated areas. No members, not even the squad captain, knew the true importance of their mission, had no idea they were providing a visible illusion of a strong, healthy, active copy-nin to the outside world. Ibiki truly hoped this squad's duties would be over soon, as the alternative was something he hoped they never had to deal with.

The list of people who knew the full details of the situation was necessarily very small. Of course Iruka, Genma, and Raidou knew, as they had been involved from the beginning. Shizune and Tsunade also knew, and were the only medical resources available at this time. Ibiki was joined by the captain of the security squad outside, the captain of the recovery squad, and the head of ANBU itself. The list would have been even smaller, but they felt they must be prepared in case their direst fears came true, among them Kakshi escaping in this state or never recovering at all. He used all the capabilities and resources he had available to him as head of the ANBU Tactics and Intelligence branch, and shook his head at those who still termed his people Torture and Interrogation. That was an important function, to be sure. but really, they did so much more.

The little house now vaguely resembled a somewhat cozier version of a command post. Maps detailing the deployment and movements of the fictitious Kakashis covered one wall of the briefing room set up in the formal tatami room; cushions set up in rows, and twin urns of mission room coffee and tea completed the look. The only thing missing was the hustle and bustle of a tactical operations center. Here, all the voices were low and hushed; he could hear each small sound in the house, and looked up as Genma came in for a mug of the hot, sweet tea.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Fire. His whole body was afire, but never caught flame. He wished it would catch and blaze and smolder out, because then the fire would be gone, but he hovered just before the spark caught and held. He heard the hoarse cries from his own throat, piteous sounds, and felt strong arms embrace him, felt the bitter cup between his lips, felt the weak tea trickle down the parched tissues of his abused throat.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Genma carried the mug of tea and went to start his shift sitting with Kakashi. He watched as Shizune finished a quick examination. It was amazing the difference one day could make. Yesterday, he had seen a fairly normal, if slightly thin, copy-nin… if an out-of-control Kakashi tossing off lightning jutsus and running amok through the forest could be considered normal. He touched the tip of his tongue, remembering the previous day's adventure. Today, though… Kakashi looked painfully thin, cheekbones standing in stark relief in the too pale face. Silvered hair lay limp and dull, skin sallow, eyes sunken. The very spark of life seemed to have deserted the man, leaving a burned out, hollow shell. He saw Shizune tuck the blankets in place around Kakashi before she stroked the pale cheek.

"Keep him warm and covered. When the fever comes back, you'll need to cool him down with the cold water. If he wakes, try to get him to take some of the tea. Even a few sips will help. Call for help if anything seems out of the ordinary or if things get out of hand or you can't control him. Someone will check in every hour to see if you need anything." Shizune squeezed his shoulder as she left.

He sat, watching the shallow breaths. Kakashi was so still. Genma's thoughts drifted in the silence. He had spent enough such silent vigils during his career as a ninja, most of them watching Raidou. He wondered how Iruka was holding up. None of this would be easy for the academy sensei. Any illness or injury to the jounin before him would be rough on Iruka, but a serious one that he might have helped precipitate would devastate the younger man. One that led to a breaking or psychological harm would hurt him that much more. He knew from experience just how bad the waiting could be, His memor drifted back to the worst incident, the one that had left Raidou burnt and scarred. He remembered his own terror and hopelessness and vowed to help Iruka escape as much of the anguish and doubt as he could.

He imagined Raidou in Kakashi's place, each shallow breath a torment, body burning, wasting away before his very eyes. Even worse was the not knowing… Not knowing when he would wake, if he would wake, what would remain of his mind if he did. Tears pricked the honey-haired shinobi's eyes, sorrow for Kakashi's plight and compassion for one of his dearest friends letting loose floodgates of emotion his lashes could not contain. He could only trust in Tsunade, knowing she would do all she could for Kakashi. Well, he supposed he could do one more thing. He didn't consider himself the most religious of men, knew Raidou could do a much better job, but maybe every little bit did help. He prayed solemnly, a very shinobi-like prayer, "Please, Kami, let them both pull through this as intact as possible…" and he watched in dread as the fever flush crept up Kakashi's still face.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Sweltering, unbearable heat. He wanted to moan and thrash in complaint against his current state, but couldn't seem to gather the strength for more than a weak, husky croak. He struggled to open his eyes a mere crack, but the effort proved too much and he fell into the depths of drugged, fevered slumber again, his whole body straining to whisper one word… Iruka.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Iruka was still, but Raidou could see the minute twitches of his eyes beneath their closed lids, and hoped the previous nightmares would not return. He had arrived with Genma late the evening before, soon after Tsunade had arrived, and had been there as she had sneakily administered the sedative from a senbon hidden in her sleeve. He had helped her catch the crumpling chuunin and had carried him to a waiting futon in the next room. He dozed off and on through the night, sitting next to the younger shinobi, not wanting to leave him alone. He had been there at the first low cry, had calmed the shaking and trembling, comforting his friend and easing him back into sleep.

Iruka looked so young and open in sleep, very much like Genma, and once more Raidou mused on the similarities between the two men. But while much of the openness would remain when Iruka awoke, Genma would become increasingly closed, showing only a perverted façade to the world. Raidou knew his husband, knew it was only a front that protected his innermost feelings, but he still missed the open, joyous youngster Genma had once been, dreaded seeing a similar thing happen to Iruka. He's been through so much already, why this?

Raidou knew it wasn't as simple as that, fate was not an all-seeing, all knowing entity that meted out reward or punishment with just regard for a life well- or poorly-spent life. Some things were truly random, but he couldn't help but condemn the unfairness of it all, anyway. If two people had ever deserved a bit of peace, quiet, and love, it was this couple. They gave so much unhesitatingly for their village, and asked nothing in return.
This seemed like such a poor repayment for all their hard work and many sacrifices. Raidou knew that such was the lot of a shinobi, but he no longer cared. These were not nameless, faceless individuals brought up in a boring ethics class, not some theoretical, fictitious ninja from one of their many ongoing training sessions, these were flesh and blood comrades… no, even more, friends.

It was difficult to let your guard down enough to form close friendships when any breath could be your last, but Iruka gave his heart freely to everyone, as easily as he breathed and smiled. Raidou allowed friendships easier than many, his family keeping him attuned to the importance of not walling himself off inside as so many shinobi did, although who could blame them. Opening up and letting others in hurt when something did happen. And right now his heart grieved. For Kakashi, for Iruka, for himself and Genma, for everyone else the two touched in their daily lives. He never wanted Iruka to return to the dark days after Hisaye's death, but he knew you must risk the bad to get to the really good in life, and Kakashi had been very good for Iruka.

He dreaded the thought of what would happen if this was the one thing Kakashi couldn't overcome. The implications were staggering. Personally and professionally. They had to keep Iruka strong, because he was afraid Tsunade's formidable talent for once just might not be enough. It might come down to the strength of Kakashi's will and Iruka's love. If any of them doubted for the smallest moment, it could all come crashing down on top of them. So for now he did all he could do. Sit and wait. Be there, be strong for Iruka, and keep him strong for Kakashi.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Strong bonds held him close, kept him trapped in the fire. Occasionally, a limb would loose itself from its stict confines and break free to the icy cold otherworld, only to be dragged back to torment moments later. Hushed voices conversed just beyond his range of hearing, but he recognized the even tones of Umino-san, and he remembered the promise, if he got better he could see Ruka-chan. "Ruka-chan... please..." The voices quieted, then buzzed louder than before, but he could never quite focus on the actual words or meaning. Hot drops of liquid fell on his face, splattering onto his mouth, salt stinging the cracked lips. His mind reached, and he could almost touch the meaning of it, but a muffled roar from the sky sent him skittering back into the quiet darkness.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Quiet. Dark. Calm. Iruka floated slowly upwards towards consciousness. Something unpleasant pushed at the corners of his mind, but he fled from its insistent touch and enjoyed the warm, pleasant feelings for a few moments more. He awoke soon after in a darkened room, the only lights the cozy glow of a brazier and a well-trimmed oil lantern. Raidou came in almost immediately with a warm mug of tea, fixed exactly how he liked it, with just a touch of honey. Iruka came to complete awareness, then, the full weight of memory crashing down upon him. He moved to scramble from the futon, only to be steadied by Raidou as he swayed slightly.

"Careful, Iruka. You got up too fast. Give yourself a minute to adjust."

Iruka blinked and stared at Raidou, questioning, trying to shake the fuzzy feeling from his head, realizing the fuzziness extended to his tongue as well. His slow throught processes finally wrapped themselves around the idea that he had been drugged the night before. He felt the tiny pinprick and telltale residual neck stiffness of a well-placed senbon. "Tsunade drugged me," he ground out accusingly at Raidou, a scowl now on his face. Then he remembered sobbing on the Hokage's more than ample bosom, and the scowl was replaced by a fierce blush. "How long have I slept? Let me up, I need to get to Kakashi."

Iruka saw Raidou cross his arms in a gesture he had seen many times, although it had never been for him before, usually being reserved for Genma at his most difficult. "It's early afternoon, just after lunch. Take your time, 'Ru, another minute or two won't make any difference to him, but will do a world of good for you." Raidou hoped devoutly that statement remained true, knowing how quickly the situation could turn and make every single remaining second precious. "Just take your time, sit up slowly, and drink your tea. I'll take you to 'Kashi in a minute. Do you think you can eat breakfast? I brought you some fruit, but I can get you something else. I didn't know it before, but Shizune is an excellent cook."

Iruka shook his head. "Fruit's fine, Rai." He wondered how they could have let him waste so much time in sleep. He sipped the tea and finally asked the question that was hovering between them already. "How is he?"

Raidou sighed, even knowing the question was coming didn't make it easier to answer. "He's still feverish. He's growing weak now, his body's worn out from the missions and the fever. Apparently the Hokage decided not to sedate him any more after the nightmares he had last night. You had a few, yourself. She's been trying to keep him calm so he won't hurt his ribs any more, but he's still delirious. Genma's in with him, now." Raidou fixed Iruka with a tight stare. "He looks bad right now, 'Ruka, but Tsunade-sama says it's the fever, that it's hitting him harder than normal because his body was already weakened. But it's just from the fever. Once the fever breaks, he'll start looking better. Just remember that, ok? He's going to get better. Tsunade and Shizune are doing all they can to make sure of that."

Iruka finished the tea. "Can I see him now, please?" Iruka hated the almost pleading tone in his voice, but he had to see Kakashi.

Raidou nodded. "Okay, 'Ruka."

They walked down the hall in silence, bare feet quiet on the wooden floor, an almost comforting sound, and Iruka imagined a young Kakashi running and scampering across these very planks, small quick feet making much more noise than their own silent shinobi tread. Everything about the house brought back memories. Some were only imagined memories, knowing some things had happened and seeing them in his mind's eye, but he still cherished a few hazy memories of Kakashi from when he was young. One of Iruka's most intense memories was of the tall silver-haired child sitting with his nose in a scroll, seemingly oblivious to the outside world, saving his little chibi self from a headfirst fall into the small pond at the base of the waterfall. He had calmly rolled up the scroll and taken a small brown hand in his own and led him back to his father who was visiting inside. Such a small thing to be remembered so vividly even now.

Raidou approached a door and paused just outside. The light in the house seemed oddly muted for afternoon, candles and lamps burning even now. "Why is everything so... dark? And everything seems too quiet, almost" Iruka mused.

"Snowstorm. I think we got two feet last night, and it's still falling."

Memory stabbed into Iruka again as he recalled Kakashi's promise of a quiet walk in the forest next snowfall.

Raidou opened the door and they quietly slipped inside. Iruka stood just inside the doorway watching Genma soothe the restless Kakashi, singing and petting the sick jounin, keeping him under the blankets. The off-key voice held such tenderness that tears welled up in Raidou's as well as Iruka's eyes. Iruka stumbled forward at a small weak cry from Kakashi and fell to his knees at his side.

He's so thin. But just last night... Dear sweet Kami, how long can this last? So weak... He looked up at Raidou and Genma, naked soul shining through the brimming chocolate eyes. "How could this happen so quick? He looks so... are you sure Tsunade knows his condition? He..." Iruka's voice trailed away.

"It's the fever, 'Ruka. He's weak and exhausted. They're doing everything they can, we just have to wait for the fever to break, probably tonight, they think. Fevers are scary things to watch, but they can help, they're the bodies natural reaction against infection. Shizune says it's probably a reaction to the cold weather last night and the cracked ribs. Fevers are common in both cases, and he was tired before all this happened. He'll pull through fine."

Iruka stared at Genma, wanting so much to believe the hope his words offered.

"He's right, Iruka. My little brother used to get high fevers all the time when he was younger. So did Genji-kun. Scared his parents half to death a few times, but my mother brought him through fine each time. And you know how healthy he is. You see him more than I do, now... but you know he's strong and healthy. Genma's right, 'Kashi will pull through this fine."

A hoarse croak... "Ruka-chan... please"

They all fell silent at the barely heard phrase.

"He's responding, 'Ru.. He recognizes you, see? He'll be better soon." Genma rejoiced.

Raidou agreed. "It is a good sign that he's talking, 'Ruka."

A bright flash momentarily lightened the gloom, followed shortly by a loud echoing rumble of thunder across the sky, the sound oddly muffled by the falling snow.

Iruka leaned down, kissing Kakashi's hot forehead, tears spilling down his cheeks onto the pale skin. "'Ruka-chan... He hasn't called me that since he was eight..."

Somberness once more replaced hope in the other two faces. "Shizune will be here soon to examine him again. He's probably just delirious. It's all because of the fever..." Genma's voice trailed off, unable to continue the false hope, and they waited quietly for Shizune, the only sounds Iruka's frantic whisperings to his silver-haired lover.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Time had no meaning. The only thing that mattered anymore was the ebb and flow of the bone-searing fever and teeth-rattling chills, the surge and fade of pain, the flood and trickle of vague consciousness and delirium. The only constant was one whispering voice. He couldn't quite place it, but it was his lifeline, he knew that in the depths of his very being, knew it represented love and warmth and safety. He honed in on the feelings, swimming up through layers of consciousness toward the somehow familiar presence. He was almost there when the calmness abruptly winked out, and he was buffeted by waves of loneliness and anguish. He foundered, slowly sinking into the depths again.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Shizune's dark eyes narrowed, veiling their depths, as she felt the waves of tension and frustration pouring out of the room before her. She somehow managed to quietly slam the door open, manifesting an outward show of anger while keeping the actual emotions bottled tightly inside. "Out. All of you. Now!"

Genma and Raidou stared at her in dumb amazement, wondering how she was able to shout without once raising her voice to a level above a whisper. She walked toward them, stopping between the pair, and grabbed two ears, tugging the two special jounin out the door like two errant schoolboys.

"I can't believe it. I told you all. No arguing, no tension, no negative feelings. Kakashi is very vulnerable and receptive in this state and will pick up on anything you let leak through. Need I remind any of you of the importance to the entire village of him getting well and making a full recovery? I could feel you before I even reached the room! It doesn't really surprise me that you forgot, Genma, you always had problems controlling your emotions," Genma had the grace to blush, "but I expected much more from you, Raidou." The older, scarred man blushed even brighter than his partner, hanging his head as well. "Leave. Now. Go do something, but get out of here for now, please." She turned abruptly away, ignoring them, closing the door behind her, and left them staring at each other in the hallway, still unsure of exactly what had happened.

She walked back to the jounin, taking calming breaths as she went, and knelt at his head, glowing hands resting a foot or more above him, merely trying to read his chakra signature from that slight distance. Oh well, no lasting damage, I suppose, no real harm done, his chakra is still jumbled and disrupted, but that's to be expected with a fever this high, although for just a second I thought I felt a spark of something… I must be more tired than I realized.

"Iruka…"

He never looked up, continued his frantic whispers to Kakashi, and she could feel the strong emotions pouring from him, sensed the razor-thin edge of control he walked. She heard the door open again and turned, preparing to deliver the tongue-lashing of the decade, but choked it down as she saw Tsunade stride in.

The Hokage took in the situation at a glance. "Iruka. You can leave us now. Shizune and I need to examine Kakashi and we can't do that with you here: Iruka didn't look up, still so focused on trying to reach his love.

Tsunade shook his shoulder. "Umino Iruka. You will leave this room. You are too unbalanced, you're disrupting Kakashi's chakra as much as the fever is. You will not return until you've eaten a decent meal, gotten control of yourself, and we have finished this examination. Do you understand?"

Iruka glared reproachfully at Tsunade, stress causing him to act in ways he never would dream of, otherwise. She stood up, dragging him to his feet as well. "You are compromising my patient's well being and the safety of this village, Iruka. If you don't leave willingly I will have you dragged out. Shizune or I can do it easily, and we have an entire squad of ANBU to restrain you as well. Or would you prefer a repeat of last night's performance? Should I drug you into compliance? "

Iruka grudgingly shook his head.

"Good, then you'll go along willingly. So glad you can see reason." The sarcasm fairly dripped from Tsunade's full lips. She walked to the door and called for Raidou. "Raidou, take Iruka-sensei from this room until he can regain the control expected of a shinobi attending a comrade's sickbed. Ensure he eats a decent hot meal, and just keep him the hell out of my sight while I finish this examination."

Raidou nodded, but his eyes widened at hearing such a rebuke directed towards the academy teacher. He was glad he and Genma had escaped with only a mild scolding from Shizune. He almost had to drag Iruka to the kitchen, but the younger man eventually quit resisting, following Raidou quietly.

Shizune breathed a sigh of relief as Iruka was led away. She felt Kakashi settle down quickly as the emotional atmosphere of the room assumed calmer proportions. She and Tsunade quickly examined their patient, occasionally commenting to each other on their observations. Finally, they drew back. Shizune tucked the blankets close around the sleeping jounin and they pulled back to a corner to discuss the situation.

"The fever's worsening, Hokage-sama. It's getting harder to control him now, and he is having chills as well as the fever."

"I know, Shizune, but we just need to keep him calm a few hours more. The fever should break soon."

Shizune certainly hoped so. Kakashi didn't look like he could take much more; he was already so exhausted. She couldn't remember seeing the man look so frail and worn, and she had patched him up on numerous occasions as Tsunade and Ibiki de-briefed him after some covert mission. "So we continue as we are, Tsunade-sama?"

"Yes, Shizune." The Hokage's voice lowered to a whisper. "There's a book, in the lower left hand drawer of my desk. I need you to bring me that, along with the big med-kit from the storage closet by my office. We probably need additional bedding, and broths and liquids. We can't keep dribbling weak tea into him and expect him not to get weaker. Use your judgment on what other supplies we need. Say whatever you must to keep Izumo and Kotetsu distracted, you know how bad a gossip Kotetsu can be, and the last thing we need is word of this leaking out. Make sure you return before nightfall, I want you here when the briefing starts. That's it unless you have any questions?"

Shizune shook her head.

"I'll see you in an hour or two, then."

Shizune nodded as she silently opened the door and left the room, one final glance showing her Tsunade stroking Kakashi's fevered brow as tenderly as any mother of a fevered child. She searched for a glimpse of Iruka before she left, wanting to see if he had managed to calm down any, and finally found him outside on the covered wooden walkway surrounding the house. She stood just inside the shoji screen that separated the kitchen from the outside, and a tear came to her eyes at the scene before her.

Iruka sat, shoulders hunched, on the wooden walkway, staring out at the garden as the snow steadily fell, covering everything in a thick blanket of white. Raidou sat to his left, head tilted towards the chuunin, one hand on his shoulder, and Genma sat on his right, draped across the other shoulder, face pressed into the younger man's hair. A small pile of empty dishes lay forgotten behind them. She could still feel a distinct unease emanating from the group, but it was approaching manageable levels now. She nodded to herself, glad at least one of her problems had managed to resolve itself.

She silently closed the screen behind her and popped into the Hokage's office, bringing a light swirl of snowflakes with her as she did. She gathered the requested items and left the office to assemble the rest of the supplies… and immediately ran directly into two of the last people she wanted to see right then…

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

to be continued within the next day in part 2…