The Black Book of Secrets
Chapter 2-Out of the Frying Pan...
They arrived at the gates of Konohagakure just as the sun was setting in the sky. It was all rather idyllic, actually-the sky was blazing orange and all the trees looked as if they were on fire. In such a light, you were unable to see the cracks in Konoha's walls.
Perhaps it would have been better if they had. But nevertheless, our duo was spellbound as they reached the village which they had so long been strangers to. Lush green scenery threatened to overflow and spill into the picturesque buildings and the Hokage Mountain (now complete with Orochimaru's ugly mug on it, thought Jiraya) completed the distinctive cityscape. They didn't see the dark alleys of downtown Konoha, the rubbish papers that littered the breeze, the falling-down houses urgently needing repair, or the monumental tower that Orochimaru was having built in honour of himself-of course.
They walked up to the gatekeeper, who was reading a copy of Private Eye and looking rather puzzled. Jiraya called out to him first.
"Greetings, friend! May we enter Konoha?"
Pleeeeease nice Mr Gatekeeper man, you know you want to let us in...
The man looked up. He had very strange spiky hair and looked glad of the distraction.
"Enter Konoha, eh? Well..." He grinned at them. "That all depends on who you are! We can't let just anybody in, not in these times. "
Jiraya and Naruto came forwards, eager to prove that they weren't evil mass-murdering missing-nin.
"This is Naruto Uzumaki and I'm Jiraya, you know, the Sannin. One of the three, anyway. Or the Toad Sage, call me what you like... "
The spiky-haired guard's eyes were wide. "Oh, so YOU'RE Jiraya! Man, I heard my parents talking about you but everyone thought you'd gone for good! Dude, this is awesome! Kotetsu-"he turned around, and called to his apparent companion. "Kotetsu, it's that old Sage guy and the Kyuubi kid! They're back, man!"
"What the hell? What have you been smoking this time, Izumo?" This, presumably, was Kotetsu. Izumo (for it was he) looked offended. "Nothing, you bastard! It's as true as Pythagoras, only truer 'cos they're alive!"
Ah, Izumo. What dazzling intellect. Kotetsu appeared to agree.
"Pythagoras only works for right-angled triangles, moron! What's to say this lot aren't obtuse? I mean, they may not even be triangles! What if they're rhomboids, eh? Didn't think of that now did you-"
Izumo buzzed them through the gates. "Welcome back, guys. And sorry about Kotetsu, he gets a little...tetchy when hasn't had sex for a few hours. Bye!"
"Er, bye..."
Jiraya and Naruto walked in silence for a few minutes, both trying to get the image of Kotetsu and Izumo having sex out of their respective heads.
"Jiraya-sensei, are all Konoha ninja that weird?"
"Honestly, Naruto? Yes. And you haven't even met Maito Gai yet."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The sun had only just gone down but already the streets of Konoha were deserted. Not a soul graced the alleyways, not if they knew what was good for them. After hours, gangs of Orochimaru's Sound ninja stalked the streets, attacking all who got in their way to the local Dairy Queen.
Not that Konoha has a Dairy Queen, of course. It had a McDonalds, just like the rest of the known universe. The Sound guys hung out there.
But alas, out intrepid heroes were not to know this, and as they tramped down the familiar streets (even Naruto vaguely remembered Ichiraku Ramen) they got rather worried.
It's a bloody ghost town!
Where are all the people? Normally this would be full of life...twilight is a ninja's busiest time of day; this street should be crowded...
Where are all the old shops? What happened to that cute little bar Tsunade and I used to go to right after missions? I loved that place...And where has the Academy gone? I swear it used to be right here, seriously. This is getting weird...
I hope that sex shop hasn't moved.
Jiraya shivered at the sight of such a desolate Konoha, as did Naruto. They both felt in their bones that something was Not Very Right-but what to do?
Naruto looked a bit scared. "Jiraya-sensei, is Konoha meant to look like this?"
Jiraya sighed deeply, and his hair swayed a bit in the breeze. Figurative tumbleweed tumbled across the road in front of them.
"I don't know, Naruto, really I don't. So much has changed-I keep forgetting that fifteen years really isn't the same time difference as a few months...Ack, it's so weird!"
"It's creepy, believe it..."
"Yeah! I felt sure I would have run into one of my old friends before now, but...nobody. Anyway, carry on! We have to get to the shop tonight and who knows, maybe there'll be more people about in the morning. They'd better not all be in bed, the bastards!"
Naruto made a great show of thinking for a moment. "You know" he said very slowly, all the while pretending to stroke an imaginary moustache "there is only one possible explanation for this creepiness, Jiraya-sensei."
The white-haired man looked amused. "And what, pray tell, is that, O Great Thinker?"
"We've arrived in a town full of vampires, believe it! We're gonna DIIIEEEE! AAARGH! SAVE ME, OH GREAT SENSEI! I DON'T WANT TO BECOME ONE OF THE UNDEAD!"
"Oh har har har, very funny-but I'll have you know that I wouldn't put it past Orochimaru to turn into a vampire as part of his Quest for Immortality-"
Fwooooosh
They both spun round. "What was that?"
"Dunno, sounded like a chipmunk sneezing..."
Fwooooosh
"Okay, what? Naruto, can you see anything?"
"No!"
Fwooooooooosh
"I think it's getting nearer!"
"Yeah-nearer to us, believe it!"
Fwooooooooooooosh
"Aargh! I'm too pretty to die!"
"Naruto, we are ninja, we aren't going to die-"
"Yeah right, believe it! When was the last time we trained?"
"Well-"
And then a figure came sprinting out of the darkness.
"What the hell are you doing outside at this time of night? Are you stupid or something? Don't you know what the Sound ninja do to morons like you? Follow me!"
Jiraya and Naruto looked at each other.
Fwooooooooosh
"Follow me! Kimmimaro's nearby- you'll be killed! God, why are men so stupid?"
They followed her without a second thought.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Perhaps taking our chances with the Mysterious Fwooshing Noise wouldn't have been so bad, Naruto thought as Evil Bossy Figure bossed them through yet another dark alleyway.
"Don't go there, dumbass! And stick to the shadows, single file! It's much safer! Hurry up, nearly there!"
Naruto edged up closer to Jiraya, who was scuttling along in front of him, his big white barnet sticking out like a sore thumb. "Jiraya-sensei" he whispered "where do ya think she's taking us? Will we make it out alive, believe it?"
Even in the darkness they could tell that Bossy was a girl, possibly Naruto's age.
"I'm not sure, Naruto-but if I'm very much mistaken she's kidnapped us both to be her devoted sex slaves and we will be forced to cook, clean and wear fairy princess outfits-"
"Hey! No talking, nitwits! Do you want them to hear us?"
Naruto and Jiraya exchanged guilty glances. Ooopsies!
After trudging through what felt like a million filthy little alleyways (but was in fact three) Evil Bossy Figure gave a cry of relief.
"Yes! We're back! Daddy, I brought visitors!"
Eh?
And then they left the final alleyway and stepped into the light of an old door that Bossy seemed to know and that Jiraya thought he knew from somewhere, but he couldn't quite place. In the half- light they could see that she was not an evil monster come to kill them all but a slim girl with very long blonde hair who must have been about Naruto's age. She was wearing purple and had a look of extreme relief on her face.
And in the back of Jiraya's mind, a name was whispered. Ino...this is Ino. Remember her? Oh, but she was just a few months old...
Ino, for it was she, knocked on the dilapidated old door without looking at her impromptu guests.
"Daddy! Daddy, I'm back! I found the morons in time!"
And the door opened (still painted purple after all these years, Jiraya vaguely noted, but he didn't quite remember why), light spilling out into the murky street in the manner of someone cracking an egg. Framed in the doorway, a man was lit up like a god.
"Ino? For God's sake, come inside...wait a minute. Jiraya? Is that you? What on Earth?"
But Jiraya beat the man to the punch. "Inoichi!" he cried, going up to the other man and smothering him in a great big bear-hug. "I knew it was you as soon as I saw Ino!"
"What, Jiraya-sensei, is going on, believe it?"
"Daddy, who are these people? Do you know why they're such morons?"
"Oh my God, it is you! You really remember Ino? She doesn't look like a baby anymore, you know..."
"I have a fantastic memory for people's children, Inoichi!"
"Bloody hell, you'd better get inside...Ino, could you show our guests to the kitchen please? It's warmest in there..."
"Jiraya-sensei, I don't get it, believe it! What in the holy name of ramen is going on?!"
"Shush, idiot! The Sound ninja may still hear us!"
"Shut up, Bossy!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once they were all inside, Naruto could get a good look at these strange, bossy people for the first time. The girl (Ino, right?) had long hair the colour of buttermilk and would have been rather attractive if she were considerably less bossy. Still, Naruto reasoned, hair that long had excellent prank potential...
And the man whom Jiraya seemed to know so well (indeed, they were still hugging) and who was apparently Ino's father-he had very long hair too. Very long, but a darker blonde. Much shorter than Jiraya-sensei, Naruto mused. He was good-looking too, although he currently looked exceedingly worn out.
"My God, Inoichi! How skinny have you gotten? You're a bag of bones!"
"I guess so, but no-one's had much food to eat recently-even Chouza's lost weight..."
"REALLY? I think you need to inform me of Konoha's current economic situation, young man..."
"No, no, please sit down first...I'll just get another chair...sorry, we're not really set up for visitors at the moment, and all our things are in the shop..."
The blonde man left to get a chair for Naruto, whom he had actually noticed. Ino, it appeared had gone off somewhere. Jiraya was grinning like a maniac, his smile threatening to split his face in half. And Naruto was getting very annoyed.
"Jiraya-sensei, who are they?"
Jiraya didn't stop smiling. "Ah, Naruto, Inoichi Yamanaka is an old friend! He was a very good friend of your father's when they were growing up and I've always known him, you know. Most of that generation have children your age, and he has Ino. And another one, I think..."
Inoichi reappeared in the doorway holding a battered-looking chair.
"Sorry, sorry about that" he mumbled, his handsome features gaunt and tired-looking. "Here's a chair for you...Naruto? That is your name, I hope? Sorry if I've got it wrong, it's been a long day..."
Naruto took the chair from the older man. "Nah, it's okay. And Naruto Uzumaki's the name, glad you remembered it! Ta for the chair, believe it!"
He plonked down into said chair, as did Jiraya (who managed to nab a comfy-looking chintz armchair, the bastard). Inoichi remained standing.
"Um, would you like some tea? I'm afraid we don't have any milk..."
"Nah, nah, it's ok. We ate earlier" Jiraya replied, cutting across Naruto (who looked like he wanted some tea and hopefully some ramen very much.)
"No, no-you must be hungry! How far have you travelled today? Of course I'll make you tea..."
And so Inoichi bustled about in his kitchen, ponytail swaying as he moved. Meanwhile, Jiraya took a good hard look at his surroundings. Inoichi, he thought, looked far too skinny, extremely tired and thoroughly miserable. His eyes no longer sparkled and his golden hair had lost the shine of his youth-and Jiraya wasn't putting it simply down to age! Something was wrong with the man.
Even the house looked tired, he thought. The furniture was old and worn, with a thousand kunai marks in the table alone. On the walls the canary yellow paint was peeling, and the carpet was threadbare. There were a few rugs, but they were worn out too. A window-pane was cracked and the only decorations in the room were a few photographs and some bunches of wild flowers. All in all, it looked like Inoichi was just barely scraping a living. But surely there were enough missions to go around? He was certainly a very competent ninja, and there was always work for mind-readers...
Suddenly, the sound of raised voices came from above them.
"At least come downstairs and say hello, you moron!"
"No way, un! Now get out of my room, yeah!"
"NO! As your little sister I am entitled to certain privileges that happen to include..."
Inoichi looked up and sighed softly. "It's just Deidara and Ino again" he murmured to the pair, who looked slightly scared. "No need to worry, they do this all the time. They'll be down in a minute. You know-"Inoichi carried on, his voice rising slightly as he poured the boiling liquid into two cups "-Deidara was the one who saw you guys. He spotted your hair from his window, Jiraya-san, so we sent Ino out to get you before the Sound ninja did. What were you doing out there anyway?"
Jiraya and Naruto gratefully accepted the steaming cups of green tea. "Well, we arrived in Konoha as the sun was setting so-"
But his fascinating tale was interrupted by a triumphant cry from the doorway.
"Brought him down, Daddy! Now, Deidei-can we say hello to the nice new people or are we far too sulky to even look at them? Aww, look at Mr Grumpykins..."
"Shut up, yeah. You don't have to be bossy and rude..."
"Now now you two, be nice-Deidara, this is Jiraya-san and Naruto Uzumaki-san, and they'll probably be staying the night. Ino got to them just in time!"
In the doorway slouched a figure that Jiraya had last seen swinging on Hizashi Hyuuga's ponytail like it was a merry-go-round fifteen years ago. Oh, how time flies...The Deidara of today was very different, and Naruto's mouth hung open slightly.
For a start, he was very, very pretty. Not ooh-look-at-me pretty, but properly beautiful. His hair was the same length as Ino's but a darker, more golden blonde like his father's. There was a lot of it, and half of it was pulled up into an elegantly messy topknot, with a large chunk serving as a very concealing fringe for the entire left side of his face. A bright blue eye, darkly outlined and curiously slanted, glared out at them from a truly lovely face. High cheekbones, a perfect nose and a plump, pink mouth-the lot. His skin was darker than Ino's as well-he really did look a lot like Inoichi, but with a hint of something else-and he was very slim.
His hips, Naruto noticed, were surprisingly well developed for a guy. And he wasn't massively tall either. That definitely made Naruto feel better!
Jiraya stood up and moved towards the teen, hand extended. "Hello, Deidara-it's been so long since I last saw you! Why, you were just two years old..."
But Deidara had backed away almost immediately. "Sorry, yeah, but I don't shake hands. Nice to meet you though, un. I saw your hair through my window-hey, what? Aw, don't look at me like that, Dad, you know I'm not being rude..."
Jiraya looked rather confused, but Inoichi was wearing the classical you-kids-exasperate-me look, fully directed at his seventeen-year old son. "I know you're not being rude when you don't shake hands, but Jiraya-san doesn't, and he's our guest, as is Naruto-san! What must he think of you? And Ino, stop giggling! It's not at all funny!"
In all fairness, Naruto was giggling just as much as Ino, even though he didn't quite get the joke. Ino had almost fallen off her chair in silent laughter.
"Ack...haha...Sorry, Daddy...hahaha..."
Deidara just looked annoyed. "Dad, I really don't think explaining to these guys why I can't shake hands would be appropriate, un, and I have loads of stuff to do so if you would just let me say hello and then go, yeah-"
"No, you will be polite, apologise to Jiraya and Naruto-san, and then go and get some biscuits from the store cupboard! Then you may scuttle off and be slummy, young man!"
"Thanks, yeah!" Deidara dashed off to what was probably not the store cupboard. Inoichi just shook his head.
Naruto, however, was curious about something. "So, um...Mr Inoichi, why can't Deidara shake hands? Does he have diahorrea?"
Inoichi chuckled slightly. "Just call me Inoichi, Naruto-san. And no, Deidara doesn't have diahorrea-he just has mouths on the palms of his hands. Ergo, shaking hands is never the best of ideas. We've had quite a few embarrassing incidents!"
Well, Naruto wasn't expecting that.
"What? But he wasn't born with those, was he?" This was from Jiraya, who had presumably been thinking along the lines of Naruto's diahorrea theory. "That's not possible, right?"
Inoichi shook his head. "No, he wasn't born with them-they developed as he got older. I assure you that teething with four sets of teeth was not pretty!"
"FOUR?"
"Oh, he has another one on his chest, apparently it's some crazy Iwagakure bloodline limit on his mother's side, but as my wife died thirteen years ago I never got the opportunity to ask her..."
Ino interjected here. "Daddy raised us all by himself, you know. That's why Dei's such a mess. I hope you know he hasn't gone to get those biscuits!"
"Now, Ino-be nice about your brother, he's just having a bit of a difficult time at the moment" Inoichi murmured once again. "I think it's the lack of ANBU work that's driving him crazy. Working in the shop doesn't really compare..."
"Well, I enjoy it!" This came from Ino, who enjoyed asking random male customers to help her 'remove a thorn or two.' Small pleasures, people!
Jiraya looked thoughtful for a minute, and then spoke. "Inoichi?"
"Hm? Oh, would you like any more tea? We still have some left..."
"No thank you, you have it. Now, if it's not too much trouble to you I'd like very much to know some more about the current state of Konoha-purely for my work, you understand. I hope it wouldn't take up much of your time, but I'm sure you're just the man to answer my questions..."
Both Naruto and Ino looked ready to fall asleep right there and then. Inoichi, noticing this, asked Ino to show the boy to their spare room before answering Jiraya. On the way up, Jiraya was pleased to hear that Naruto wasn't calling Ino 'Bossy' any more.
"So, Ino-chan, are there any guys around here who won't mind if I prank their asses off, believe it?"
"You play pranks? Well, I'd better warn you that everyone around here's pretty uptight-don't go for Sasuke or Shino or one of those guys or you'll be dead but if you want to prank Sakura Haruno that's fine by me..."
Both Jiraya and Inoichi smiled. "It's good to see you again, Jiraya. And I'm impressed with Naruto, I must say. You've raised him wonderfully."
The older man chuckled. "Just wait 'til you get to know the kid! He's crazy-but it's no more than you've done, Inoichi. So, about Konoha?"
"Oh, yes-sorry!" Inoichi promptly flopped down into Naruto's recently vacated chair, tea in hand. "Ask away."
"We-el..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jiraya and Inoichi talked long into the night.
Firstly, Inoichi explained that absolutely no-one in Konoha went out after dark because that was the time that Orochimaru's Sound minions-one of the most fearsome being a Kaguya named Kimmimaro, who had apparently almost spotted Jiraya and Naruto-came out to play, killing all who got in their way. Many young Konoha ninja had been lost before the streets had been cleared. They were Orochimaru's personal bodyguards and no-one dared question their behaviour except a few highly outspoken ninja, Tsume Inuzuka included. Needless to say it hadn't ended well.
Next he told Jiraya about the lack of missions-a terrible thing in any ninja village. The strange thing was that there wasn't a lack of missions per say, Konoha still had clients. However, Orochimaru gave all the best missions to his Sound ninja, who were often far less able than their Konoha counterparts. Ergo, not enough Konoha Genin and Chuunin went out on missions to gain experience, older ninja couldn't make any real money and the ANBU were going stir-crazy.
Deidara, he said, had been accepted into a specialist ANBU team three years ago, and now worked in a cell that was captained by Itachi Uchiha, who was a lovely boy despite appearances.
Both had the same problem. Orochimaru simply refused to send them on missions longer than a single day, severely limiting the amount of work they could do. Nowadays Orochimaru used them mainly as his personal guards. Other ANBU members were still sent on proper missions, but only the really experienced ones got any money from it, as Orochimaru had cut pay rates right down to fund the building of his new Monument to Himself.
And he had raised taxes on everything. Inoichi looked thoroughly miserable as he said this. As there had been so little ninja work for the past five years, he explained, many people had set up shops. Briefly Konoha had flourished, but recently Orochimaru had raised building and premises taxes for all the buildings in Konoha, and the import and export tariff prices had rocketed. People stopped buying goods and many shops had to close down immediately.
Konoha had gone into recession, but Orochimaru refused to realise this. Still the taxes climbed, and everyone became poorer and poorer. Crime rates increased and people tried to leave but weren't allowed, by order of the Hokage. Many people had lost their homes-Shikato Nara and his family had had to sell their house and move to their cabin in the woods because they were having to produce twice as much deer just to break even! All but one of the Akimichi family restaurants had closed down, and staff levels in the Hospital were at an all-time low. People weren't buying flowers any more, he said with a sigh, and it's just me and Shizune left in the morgue now. Everyone else has been laid off. The Uchihas are furious over the Hokage's decision to build his tower on their land without asking them beforehand, but what can they do? Only the Hyuuga seemed to be safe, but that was only because Hiashi Hyuuga-Inoichi scowled here, he and Hiashi had never really got along-had done some serious sucking-up. The Aburames were furious about the disregard of their skills, and were refusing to go on any more missions. Tsume Inuzuka was still in hospital after being reprimanded for voicing her thoughts on Orochimaru's new regime (again) and Konoha's kennels were looking pretty threadbare as a result of this.
It's all gone so wrong, and the Hokage doesn't seem to care. Oh, but there's more, Inoichi then said, his face becoming black with anger. This I really don't like.
Orochimaru has always wanted to know all the jutsu in the world, correct? Well, he devised this hideous...thing that showed him the possible bloodline limits of everyone in Konoha. And if they looked interesting, he...experimented.
That's really why Deidara has those mouths. It was a rare bloodline limit on his mother's side, but luckily Ino doesn't have the right chakra type to facilitate them-ergo, he's the first person to have them in almost a century, even in Iwa-and they wouldn't have developed had Orochimaru not noticed the potential with his...thing. He forced them to develop, and then he realised that wait, Deidara has two bloodline limits! So he experimented with the Yamanaka mind-control genes and it almost killed him. The bastard almost killed my son! And for what?
He did the same to the other clans. Both of the Uchiha boys had their Sharingans forced out far too early-they hadn't even finished developing, and Itachi's one is so messed up he can barely use it any more, according to Dei. Chouji Akimichi is now in almost constant pain from an experiment gone wrong. A lot of the younger Hyuugas have had their Byakugans meddled with in order to create new bloodline limits, and I'm not even going to start on the strangely mutilated bodies I've seen in the morgue...
Konoha's not happy, Jiraya. You're right to come back, but if you're offering people false hope then it'll crush them. Things need to be done, and I hope to God you're the man to do them.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
The morning dawned bright and early (as morning often does) onto Konoha, the pleasant yellow light casting a happy glow over the beleaguered city.
But all the sun in the world couldn't disguise the drab grey buildings, the falling down walls and the enormous building site right in the middle of the Uchiha compound. Ouch.
Not everyone, however, were being such gloomy bunnies.
"It's a beautiful day, Jiraya-sensei-wake up and smell the smell of toast with ramen!" One young blonde clothed in nought but bright orange boxers was jumping up and down on the bed of his long-suffering mentor. "Me and Ino made breakfast, and it smells great, believe it!"
Blearily, Jiraya opened his eyes. "Naruto, what have we said about never under any circumstances disturbing me in the morning, no matter how much you may want ramen?
Naruto continued to jump on Jiraya's chest. "That doesn't include TOAST AND RAMEN!"
Fortunately Ino appeared at that very moment, also in her pyjamas. "Oi, Naruto, if you don't hurry up the toast will burn and we'll have to start all over again! Come on, moron!"
"Ah, crap-gotta go, my ramen needs me! Bye Sensei, enjoy your hangover!"
Both fifteen-year olds ran giggling down the corridor. It was clearly the start of a beautiful friendship...The white-haired man groaned and sat up. Why mornings had to start so early he really didn't know...
But as Jiraya glanced out of the open window a cheering sight met his eyes. As if to restore his faith in humanity, the inhabitants of Konoha had taken to the streets and the place was crowded, happy laughing people making the most of the sunshine. In the crowds he spotted a few familiar faces-that surely must be Kakashi Hatake, no-one else had hair like that, and the speedy green blur was undoubtedly Maito Gai. Furthermore, it was market day and Chouza Akimichi was wandering from stall to stall with his son and Shikato's (or what appeared to be a tiny version of the man-who knows, perhaps he'd shrunk since Jiraya last saw him?). For the first time in fifteen years, Jiraya saw what he'd yearned to see for so long-a happy Konoha.
After a thoroughly rambunctious breakfast, during which much ramen and toast was consumed and at which Deidara was curiously absent, Naruto and Jiraya bid the Yamanakas a fond farewell (with the promise of another visit very soon) and began the journey to their new home.
People milled around them, many being surprised to see the great Toad Sage back after fifteen long years, and those who remembered just why he left being even more astonished.
"Hey, is that Jiraya?"
"Wow, it's the Toad Sage and the Kyuubi kid!"
"Who?!"
And of course they met some old friends. Maito Gai (who had been running around Konoha with his youthful young student, Rock Lee) came up to greet them almost immediately.
"Yosh! It is so simply youthful to see you again, Jiraya-sama! Oh, it has been so long!" he had cried, clasping Jiraya's hand with tears streaming down his cheeks. Lee had introduced himself to Naruto in a similar fashion.
"Greetings, fellow purveyor of youth! Welcome to Konoha! I trust you are youthful?"
"Believe it?" Naruto idly noticed that in the sunlight, Lee looked like a giant shamrock. If shamrocks could actually have enormous eyebrows, anyway. Hmm, that's a puzzler...
They carried on; the warming sun making everything somehow feel better, despite what Jiraya had been told last night. Still...
"Naruto?"
"That's my name, don't wear it out!"
"Expect a lot of secrets. I think we'll be up most nights, kiddo."
"Aw, maaan...Who are we starting with, Gai and Lee?"
"Not quite, fool. We'll start asking people in a few days' time. That gives us time to ingratiate ourselves with the locals! Don't want them telling on us to Orochimaru, do we?"
"No way, believe it!" That had happened once before in Red Bean Jam Country-never again. They had been forced to fight their way out, battling furiously with angry locals wielding pots of, uh, Red Bean Jam. Naruto still had flashbacks.
Eventually they arrived at what was to be their new home. It was a dilapidated old building, clearly once painted pink and at the corner of Konoha's main street. Jiraya looked overjoyed when he saw it, but Naruto, who had edged closer to read some of the slogans still emblazoned onto the window, looked concerned.
"Jiraya-sensei, what...?"
Jiraya just beamed some more. "Yes, Naruto-welcome to what used to be Konoha's premium sex shop, Come Come Merchandise! Ah, I used to work here when I was a lad, so I asked ahead and bought it so we could use it for our pawnbroker cover! Now come on, with any luck they've left some old merchandise inside!"
With that Jiraya raced inside. "First stage, paint it yellow and find the rubber boobies!"
Naruto just sighed. Jiraya-sensei was impossible sometimes.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Cor, check out the size of these condoms, believe it! Who actually has a penis that big?"
"Well, actually-"
"That was rhetorical, Jiraya-sensei!"
They had been clearing out the shop front for almost an hour and had made some headway with the very large stack of boxes the proprietors had so kindly left behind, although Naruto got the sinking feeling that most of the stuff they had binned would mysteriously find its way back into Jiraya-sensei's bedroom...
It was dusty, tiring and thoroughly embarrassing (to Naruto, who hadn't actually known what anal beads were before today) work, but at least they had made some progress. And they were elbow-deep in their fifteenth Box of Porn when someone knocked at the door.
"Aw man, we were just beginning to see the floor..."
"Never mind-maybe our visitors could help?"
But then they opened the door and decided almost immediately that no, these were not the sort of visitors that would help you sort through a box of flavoured dildos. Outside stood two stern-looking ANBU ninja, complete with bone breastplates and animal masks.
They stood looking at each other for a few seconds-and then the shorter of the two ANBU collapsed in laughter, pointing rather rudely at Jiraya (who happened to be wearing a pair of rubber breasts) and Naruto, who had fallen into a box of condoms and had got them in his hair.
"Oh my gawd, yeah! That is bloody hilarious! Hah, look at you two, yeah! You look like extras in an AVN Awards Ceremony production that got lost in the dressing room, un!
The other ANBU just scowled (or sounded like he was, anyway.) "That is hardly an appropriate comparison, Salamander. Please stop laughing in such a raucous fashion-you're attracting undue attention to yourself."
"Shut up, Misery Guts! Just 'cos you've never seen a porno doesn't mean you don't find this funny, yeah! I can see your shoulders twitching, un!"
Jiraya and Naruto sighed in relief. Unless they were very much mistaken, the ANBU member with the long blonde hair was Deidara Yamanaka and the other, Jiraya guessed, was Itachi Uchiha himself. He had talked in exactly the same monotone when he was five, you know-(having been a very serious child, it didn't look like much had changed.)
Itachi-or Weasel, as he was known in ANBU circles-stepped forward. "Jiraya-san and Naruto Uzumaki-san are hereby summoned to Hokage Tower for a private meeting, by order of Orochimaru-sama, the Yondaime Hokage. We have been requested to bring you immediately."
Deidara had recovered from his laughing fit. "Yeah, Orrie wants to see you, un. You might want to remove the breasts though."
Itachi stiffened. "Do not talk about Orochimaru-sama so lightly!" he hissed at the blonde. "You know full well what he would do if he were to find out..."
But Deidara just shrugged him off. "Can you two jump, yeah?" he asked Jiraya and Naruto idly. Both nodded, Naruto still removing condoms from his blonde barnet.
"Of course, believe it! We are strong, capable ninja who-"
"Good." Both ANBU nodded at once at then set off across the rooftops at a lightning pace that only the speediest hedgehog in Konoha could have kept up with. Jiraya and Naruto both blanched slightly, and then set off after Itachi and Deidara as fast as their legs would carry them, panting all the way.
What? When you're busy listening to people's secrets you don't have time to train! And so it was that our intrepid heroes collapsed into Orochimaru's office a few minutes later (Itachi and Deidara having arrived a while ago and were standing around making a great show of tutting at the two, and checking their imaginary watches) exhausted and out of breath.
Orochimaru, who was seated at a very large desk, watched all this with keen yellow eyes.
"My my, Jiraya-it has been a long time. But do you know what? I think you've gotten fat. Mainly on your ssstomach, though-your legsss aren't too bad yet..."
Jiraya groaned and tried to remember why he had ever thought coming back to Konoha would be a good idea.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
...And this is, at time of writing, my longest chapter ever. Whoopee doo! Apologies for all the blatant references, once again I must stress that I own nothing.
Private Eye is a wonderfully sarcastic English magazine that would indeed confuse Izumo, Pythagoras belongs to Pythagoras and no-one else, McDonalds and Dairy Queen are not mine, ditto with the AVN (Adult Video Network) although I'm sure Jiraya would like to own it. And I know there's too much Deidara in this chapter-sorry, but he's important. Red Bean Jam Country is an actual place in Naruto-I believe that secretly Zetsu is the king of it, with all the weevils from Torchwood as his subjects.
Sorry that it's so long and angsty, but all this stuff needs to be out of the way before we can move on to the real story. At least we got to see Inoichi's mad parenting skills! I like that family way too much...
LASTLY: I AM SORRY FOR HURTING CHOUJI! IT JUST SLIPPED OUT!
NEXT CHAPTER-Jiraya and Naruto's meeting with Sir Hiss, the setting up of the shop and a bit more of Itachi and Deidara, joy of joys...
See you then!