The Black Book of Secrets
Chapter 3-Proverbial Fires
"...and you really have let your hair go to ssseed, Fatty..."
Oh God. How had Jiraya forgotten this most integral part of Orochimaru? The endless criticisms, sharp comments and sarcastic replies that had made his life and Tsunade's complete and utter miseries. For example-
"Oh, Tsunade, do you really think you have a large enough bust to wear that dress? You might want to reconsider..."
"Look Jiraya, we know you mean well but perhaps you should let a more...capable ninja handle this? You might find it a bit tricky..."
"I'm highly doubtful as to the continued existence of intelligent life in any form after spending merely a few minutes in your company, you idiot slob!"
Bastard.
What gave him the right to make fat jokes anyway, huh? He wasn't looking so trim himself, the lily-livered yellow-bellied clog-wearing weasel-sneezing hypocrite! Jiraya continued insulting his former teammate for several minutes, each time using a different animal and a different part of the human body.
He had conveniently forgotten his main goal-to placate Orochimaru long enough to distribute his new Stack O' Porn to the youth of Konoha. Fortunately, the only tween in the room reminded him.
"Jiraya-sensei? Are you all right, believe it?" Naruto had seen his beloved Jiraya-sensei go through many stages, but the crazy-psycho-muttering-randomly-about-aardvarks period was not one of them. Well, we live and learn.
"Jiraya-sensei, the Hokage is talking to you!"
And then Jiraya looked at Itachi and Deidara, standing stiffly to attention behind Orochimaru, all traces of their earlier camaraderie gone. They look fucking scared, he thought, and was promptly reminded of what he was even doing in Konoha to begin with. The porn thing was just an added extra, really...
Sucking in his gut and drawing himself to his full height, Jiraya smiled a wicked smile.
"Well, Orochimaru-where do we start?"
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In his head, Orochimaru, the Yondaime Hokage of Konohagakure, was glaring his big white ass off.
How dare Jiraya simply come marching back to Konoha as if everything was absolutely hunky-dorky? HOW DARE HE?! Did he not remember anything? How he had crushed his feelings when Jiraya, Moron of All Morons, had been accepted by the Leader of the Secret Keeper's Association when Orochimaru had been so rudely dismissed?
How he had insulted Orochimaru's acceptance of the title of Hokage, a decision that was made with his full consent?
How he had just upped and left, leaving as if he cared not one whit for Konoha and leaving Orochimaru to deal with the aftermath of the Kyuubi attack with only one Sannin and a handful of still-recovering ninja?
How he had foolishly brought the Kyuubi boy back to the scene of the tragedy, just when relations in Konoha were at its most tense?
But on the outside Orochimaru continued to smile a wicked smile.
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"Well, Orochimaru-where do we start?" Jiraya's smile was sickly sweet.
"We ssstart with your return to Konoha, Fatty." So was Orochimaru's. "Pleassse could you sspecify the exact reassons for yoursss and-uh-Naruto's visit?"
"To be honest, honey, we were just visiting to set up our pawnbrokers shop and to see a few old friends, you know, Maito Gai and the like...Nothing in the ways of Secret Keeping, if that's what you're thinking. After all, what secrets could a town as wonderful as Konoha possibly have? I'm sure it doesn't need me..." Still Jiraya continued to beam painfully.
Orochimaru didn't look impressed. "Am I really to believe that you, a Ssssecret Pawnbroker, has come to his old village merely to ssshow a jinchuuriki the sightsss? I am not a fool, Jiraya, and I will have you thrown out of the village if you ssshow any inclination towards Sssecret Keeping..."
The taller man looked annoyed. "But why would I? I came to Konoha specifically to make amends for my earlier behaviour, which I now see was rash and unprovoked!"
Pleasebuyitpleasebuyitpleasebuyityoustupidlittlesnakemanohgodpleasebuyitawmanhe'snotbuyingitgoonyoustupidbastardservesyourightthati'mhereanyway...
At this, Orochimaru looked mildly surprised. Jiraya had a certain reputation-to never apologise for anything whatsoever. The pale man seriously doubted that he had turned over a good leaf just for him, no matter how flattering the thought may have been. He really wasn't that stupid.
Both men had carried on smiling. "Itachi-kun, Deidara-kun, would you pleassse escort Naruto-kun out of the room? Feel free to wait outside, but Jiraya-chan and I have sssome things we need to...discusss. If anyone comes, tell them I am bussssssssy...."
And so Naruto Uzumaki was unceremoniously flung out of the door, where he landed heavily on his bottom, shattering his coxsits in the process.
Or not. Needless to say, it did hurt.
"Bloody hell, believe it! What happened to a little love and compassion?"
Jiraya and Orochimaru ignored him.
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Outside, Naruto watched in awe as two clearly senior ANBU members tried desperately to see through the World's Smallest Keyhole. Key Word: Tried.
"Hey hey, move over! I'm trying to see, un!"
"Well if someone didn't have such big hair there'd easily be enough room!"
"Are you blaming my hair, yeah? Bitch!"
"Pot, kettle, black...screw this, I'm trying my Sharingan..."
And suddenly Deidara looked very concerned. He whipped round to face Itachi, who was in the process of removing his mask. "No way, yeah. You are not using that thing-remember what happened last time, un? We were lucky to make it out with all our limbs, yeah!"
Itachi just glared at him, his eyes beginning to swirl red. Naruto, who had never seen a Sharingan in action before and had been all but forgotten, sneaked forward. "And remember what happened the time you tried to use Shintenshin No Jutsu?" His voice was like acid, burning the skin.
Deidara simply glared back, now also devoid of his mask. His single blue eye was a stark contrast to Itachi's swirling pupils. "That was completely different, un, so don't compare. And you know full well what will happen if you use that thing, yeah! It's evil!"
"No, you just don't understand it-that's all!" Itachi placed his eye to the keyhole and braced himself. Meanwhile, Deidara's expression had grown sour, and his hands were firmly on his hips. "So that's what it is, yeah. I should have known. Always it comes down to my apparent lack of knowledge, un, absolutely-bloody-always! First I'm too young and don't know enough to make you happy, then I'm too dense and don't know the ways of the world, then I just-"
He was cut off by a short cry from Itachi.
"Aaargh! Shit!" The taller man stumbled back, clutching his eye. From between his fingers gushed rivers of blood, staining his gloves like an unruly waterfall. Deidara was in front of him in an instant, gently dabbing at his apparent wound with a piece of bandage.
"Ow, fucking shit, I knew that would happen-fucking Sharingan, might as well rip out my eyes for all the goddamn trouble they cause..."
Slowly Deidara prized Itachi's bloody hand away from his face. "There there, yeah, it's not that bad, just a little spurt..."
Itachi looked incredulous (or as incredulous as a man with blood all over his nose could manage.)
"Not that bad? You still have two working eyes, you can't talk!" He had staggered into a nearby chair, and Deidara had followed him, still gently cleaning his wound. They were, Naruto noticed, very close. Very close indeed-and he was pretty sure he meant it in both senses.
Both ninja continued to ignore Naruto. "Maybe, yeah, but at least you have a working mind. Remember that next time you use your Sharingarse, un!"
And Naruto just looked at two of the most ridiculous ninja he had ever met in his life, promptly deciding to ask a question that had been on his mind for quite a while.
"So, right" the younger boy ventured, hopping off his chair and walking over to the pair "are you two like together or what?"
Two very contemptuous faces greeted his question. "What made you say that, Uzumaki-kun?" Itachi's cold voice sent shivers down Naruto's spine, but he replied.
"Well, it's just that you guys bicker like an old married couple and just now you totally said that you were once-"
"We don't date." The voices of both ninja cut through Naruto like a knife. God, why were these people so touchy?
"Oh, so it's a secret romance, believe it? Aw man, are there family issues? Sorry you guys, that really sucks..."
Itachi and Deidara looked absolutely furious...and slightly sad? "There's nothing that sucks, yeah, 'cos there's no secret romance. We don't date anybody. End of story, un. So stop prying into other people's business, kid!"
And now Naruto looked thoroughly confused. "Jeez, you aren't so cool anymore, believe it! You were cool earlier with the rubber boobies and with the biscuit thing last night but now you're just-"
WHAM!
The force of Deidara's kick slammed Naruto into the opposite wall with such force that the wall itself shattered and plaster fell from the ceiling.
"What...on...earth, believe it? Urgh, what the hell was that for? Dude, you have issues..."
Naruto lay in a heap at the bottom of the dented wall, but looked up in time to see Deidara's lovely face just millimetres from his own. He was wearing a truly crazed smile that stretched all the way across his face and lit up his eyes in the most frightening of ways. Is this what he meant when he said his mind was broken, Naruto wondered? And then his next thought; Oh shit. I'm doomed. Madmen always have the upper hand in these situations.
"If I were you, un..." Deidara whispered positively venomously "I'd make sure you and your precious Jiraya-sensei kept very quiet about everything that's happened so far, yeah, or your head be it. It's your choice, kid, so think about it, un."
With that The World's Craziest Blonde turned and stalked back to Itachi, who immediately reprimanded him for his behaviour. Some things never change. And it was just as Naruto was picking himself up from the remains of the poor abused wall, the door to the Hokage's office was opened by Jiraya himself and Naruto was ordered to be escorted back in.
Once inside, a very amusing sight met his eyes. Orochimaru had broken out his pink china tea set and it appeared that he and Jiraya had been nibbling buns together in a thoroughly civilised manner. Even the teacups had been filled and subsequently emptied by the Great Stomach that was Jiraya.
Both men smiled at him as he entered. So far so good...Itachi and Psycho Blonde, he noted, had resumed their normal positions behind Orochimaru's desk immediately, and Naruto immediately resolved never to anger another ANBU member (those two included!) ever again. He was-in his opinion-far too pretty to die.
Jiraya looked up from his cream puff to greet him. "Hey, Naruto, did you have fun with Itachi and Deidara? We thought we heard a crash from out there, but I'm sure that wasn't you three..."
Naruto tried to nod, really he did, but Jiraya had already moved on to his next question. "Would you like a cream puff?"
The answering rumble of Naruto's stomach was all the encouragement the boy needed to grab a plate and stuff three puffs into his mouth at once. "Ourghflorgh...thos'gurgh yurgl thunks!"
Jiraya simply laughed at his student and even Orochimaru cracked a smile. Monster Freakzoids 1 and 2 had replaced their masks, so who knew what they were thinking?
Nonetheless, after the nineteenth cream puff not even Jiraya was smiling. Orochimaru had given up on about the fourth, but still Naruto kept cramming them in.
"Naruto?" Jiraya tried.
"Urfle?" Good lord, the cream was everywhere...In the background Orochimaru snickered slightly. Jiraya tried again, waiting until Naruto had finished his currentcream puff and then skilfully whisking the plate away before he could grab another.
"Shmurfle urk! Shenshei, 'oo bashtard!"
Result! The boy has been removed from the buns!
"Listen, Naruto, Orochimaru and I have come to a series of agreements regarding our stay in the village, and we both deem it wise to have you informed of them just so that there are no misunderstandings. Is that okay, kiddo? Oh, stop sulking about the buns! You only had nineteen of the things!"
Naruto still looked vaguely put out, but Orochimaru interjected. "We have deemed it wise that you should get to know the local children, sssso I have given you permissssion to accompany sssome of the teams on variousss low-level missions during your ssstay, depending, of course, on the individual wishesss of their team captainsss."
The orange-clad boy looked delighted. "That's awesome, believe it! You guys rock-thanks!"
Jiraya went next. "However, under no circumstances are we to practice Secret Keeping at any time during our stay, and we will have either Itachi or Deidara with us at all times to ensure that we keep to this rule. Sound fair?"
"I guess so, believe it." But inwardly Naruto cringed. More time to spend with the Psycho Creeps! Argh! Somebody, anybody save me from an eternity of strange sexual tension!
Er, we'll leave Naruto's mind now. There were a few other terms and conditions, one being to control the Kyuubi at all costs, which Naruto had snickered at-what did he think Kyuubi was, a dog? Another was not to set foot outside the village unless Naruto was on a mission, but that was about it.
All in all the meeting seemed to go very well....until the end. Just as Jiraya and Naruto were preparing to leave, and as Orochimaru was bidding Itachi and Deidara farewell (after a fashion) Orochimaru did something very odd.
The Hokage had been idly playing with Deidara's long blonde locks in a thoroughly disturbing manner for quite some time now (Jiraya had pretended not to notice) and just before he departed Orochimaru had reached out and grabbed the blonde around the waist. Caught off guard, Deidara had struggled before realising just who had him in an armlock.
"My my, Dei-kun" Orochimaru had said, pressing up against the younger man "your hair really isss lovely right now. Not that it isn't alwaysss, but it just seems particularly thick and sssilky recently. Ssstrange."
He released his grip on Deidara, who seemed thoroughly relieved to be out of such a strange embrace. Furthermore, Itachi had spun round the minute Deidara had been caught and hadn't relaxed for a second since.
And then Orochimaru had leant in very close to Deidara's masked face, and grabbing a chunk of the blonde's hair, had pulled him in even closer. "Very ssstrange indeed, Deidara. Your hair is thicker, your ssskin is almossst glowing, your eyesss are brighter-what have you been doing behind my back? Hmm, I will find out, remember that. Now go."
Orochimaru always had been a master of the stage whisper, and this was no exception. Everyone in the room had been staring at the pair, and when Deidara was eventually released, Naruto heard Itachi finally breathe out.
Weird. Very weird. Naruto wasn't really sure that he liked Konoha if these guys were the sort of people one came across on a regular basis...
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They had left the building very fast indeed, Itachi and Deidara racing on ahead, Jiraya and Naruto (still weighed down by all the buns) strolling sedately along behind them. It was agreed that Itachi would take the first shift (the rest of the morning) then Deidara would be there in the afternoon, back to Itachi for the wee hours of the morning and so forth until Orochimaru needed them or Naruto and Jiraya's visit ended (whichever came first.)
After fifteen minutes gently ambling along and enjoying the sights, smells and sounds of Konoha on market day, they reached Come Come Merchandise (or as Naruto liked to call it, 'Planet Of The Dildos'). Itachi had been waiting outside for quite a while, and was beginning to look distinctly uncomfortable at being so close to so much unadulterated perverseness.
Deidara, he said, had had to rush home to help his father in the shop.
"Great! That means you can help us unpacking the last ten boxes! Whaddya say, 'Tachi?" Jiraya looked absolutely delighted at the thought of another pair of hands.
Itachi, however, looked terrified. "Um, I would really rather not if it's all the same to you, Jiraya-sama, terribly sorry you understand but really-"
He was cut off by an enormous simultaneous glomp from Jiraya and Naruto.
"Aargh! Unhand me, villains!"
"No way, believe it! You're getting a proper sex education whether you like it or not!"
"You heard the kid, Itachi! Okay, Naruto-on the count of three we drag. One...Two...THREE! DRAG THE MAN! YEAH! LET'S GO, KIDDO!"
And so Itachi Uchiha, one of the most fearsome ninja in Konoha with or without his Sharingan, was unceremoniously dragged into a very old sex shop and would not be seen for the rest of the morning.
Poor little thing. Jiraya and Naruto were just great big bullies, really.
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"Hey, 'Tachi! What do you think this is?" Naruto asked him, holding up what appeared to be a thong made out of liquorice.
'Tachi, as he was now known to his new best friends Jiraya and Naruto, simply glared at him. He was getting a little pissed off. After two boxes of flavoured condoms, three boxes full of oddly-shaped vibrators, one particularly unpleasant box full of old lubricant that had managed to leak all over his nice new trousers and repeated cracks about his virginity, wouldn't you be annoyed?
Jiraya and Naruto had just sat around laughing at him throughout most of this, and Itachi now felt like yelling juicy details about his former sexual encounters very loudly at the non-believers before storming off in a tremendous huff.
"I think you'd look great in this, 'Tachi!" Naruto was, it appeared, still hard at work on the lingerie-made-out-of-confectionary box. Beside him, Jiraya collapsed into laughter.
"He's right, 'Tachi! I can totally see you in a jockstrap made of candied orange!"
"But Jiraya-sensei, candied orange is disgusting..."
"Oh yeah...Hey, what about flying saucers? Everybody likes them, right?"
"Totally, believe it! 'Tachi, what do you think?"
I think you should both fuck off and die whilst performing excruciating physical acts of endurance, leaving me free to run as far away from this horrible shop as possible! This sort of devotion to sexual intercourse is not normal!
What he actually said was "Hn." And once again Jiraya and Naruto fell about laughing.
Itachi simply glared some more as he continued to sort out the dildos into separate piles in order of size and width. Soon enough Deidara would be here to take the afternoon shift, and they'd be able to tease him about his virginity.
Only twenty more minutes to go...
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As a matter of fact, the unholy trinity of Jiraya, Naruto and Deidara got a lot of work done. By nightfall all they had left to do was bring in the furniture and produce some merchandise before they could officially be Open for Business.
"Aw, crap-I have to go soon, yeah. Got the night shift at Hokage Tower again, un." Deidara, who had been scrubbing the main windows in a slightly haphazard manner, turned around to face his new friends.
Unlike their earlier experience with the prudish Itachi, Jiraya and Naruto had soon realised that making virginity cracks at Deidara wasn't going to work because he made them right back at them-needless to say, they hadn't enjoyed a taste of their own medicine (particularly Naruto, who was a virgin himself and had always felt slightly guilty about teasing others in such a way, unless it was funny or Itachi.)
And although Naruto had been rather shirty towards Deidara for the whole kicking thing earlier and Deidara himself had been very quiet for the first hour or so, Jiraya soon go them both talking like old school chums. To their delight, it was revealed that all three liked pizza, shiny things and spiders.
He was also excellent at dealing with whatever Hell's Boxes threw at them. Lubricant? Easy, just chuck it away. Pornographic magazines? Read 'em all before, chuck them out! He made Jiraya and Naruto, who were still giggling whenever a thong appeared, look like amateurs. Whipped cream and fluffy handcuffs? Not a problem, just put them on the pile!
Not that he actually said that-Jiraya was just working under the assumption that all teenage boys (Itachi included, although he was twenty) were interested in sex in a big way.
Deidara had even apologised to Naruto for losing his temper earlier.
"Sorry about kicking you, yeah, it was just that Orochimaru has that corridor totally bugged and could hear every word you were saying, un. And if he knew you had stayed with my family he would have assigned another guy on this assignment, yeah, and then your Secret thing would have been doomed from the very start, un. So really I just had to shut ya up!"
Naruto had been pleased with the apology, but was still slightly put out. He grimaced and rubbed his back-it was still aching from the heavy impact. "Did you have to kick quite so hard, believe it? What happened to saying shut up, man?"
At that Deidara chuckled rather darkly. "Ah, you were asking far too many questions and being a brat, un. Besides, I didn't hurt any of your internal organs-why are you complaining, yeah?"
The younger blonde gulped rather loudly, but it was Jiraya who spoke next.
"You know about the Secret Keeping?" The older man looked pensive.
Deidara shrugged slightly and continued to sweep the floor. "Not really, un. I only know what I heard through the keyhole and some other stuff I heard Orochimaru say. Nothing important, yeah."
Naruto looked confused. "If you could hear them earlier then why did you try and look through the keyhole, believe it?"
"Oh, Itachi and I always have bets on what set of china Orrie will use whenever he has visitors-Itachi won this time, he used the pink. He only uses that for meetings with people he doesn't really like, yeah. Sorry, un."
"No offence taken." Jiraya still looked thoughtful, but Deidara carried on.
"Speaking of Itachi, could you guys not bug him so much? He's very bad at talking about sex-it makes him thoroughly uncomfortable, un. As he looked so pissed off earlier, I assume you were teasing him about something, yeah?"
Both perverts looked guiltily at each other. "Well, we might have done a tiny bit of teasing about his virginity, but only a tiny bit, believe it..."
"Don't, yeah. He's not a virgin-ergo, you have no grounds for teasing, un."
"Maybe, but you should have seen the look on his face when this really smelly bottle of lube exploded all over him!"
"So that's what it was, yeah..."
And then Jiraya interrupted them by standing up and walking over to Deidara, who was now sweeping up all the old rubbish into a tidy pile in a corner of the main shop.
Jiraya looked very grave and Deidara, who had long since removed his mask, claiming that it was unbearably stuffy, looked up at him in confusion.
"What's up, yeah?"
Jiraya sighed a little. "Deidara, would you say you were trustworthy?"
"Yeah, un. I never tell anyone anything."
"But would you tell Orochimaru?" Naruto appeared to know what Jiraya was talking about, but it took the other blonde a bit longer.
When he realised he smiled slightly. "Nah, I won't rat you guys out, yeah. You're nicer to me than he is-why would I betray that, un? Your Secret Keeping is safe with me and Itachi, yeah."
Jiraya looked very pleased, but also faintly surprised. "But surely you must have some loyalty to Orochimaru as a Hokage anyway?"
"Nobody does, un. Besides, he's not actually too bothered about what you guys are up to here, yeah-he's only put me and Itachi on your case to keep tabs on you in case you try and start a rebellion and also kinda to freak you out, un. He thinks it's all very funny, actually. But he trusts us completely to tell us anything important, so you're okay."
"Really? Well, that's good for us, in any case. Thank you for that, Deidara."
"Totally, believe it!"
Deidara just smiled strangely and carried on sweeping. "It's okay, yeah. Just-if you get Ino and Dad involved in any way, shape or form I'll kill you, un. And then tell on you to Orochimaru. It's the same with Itachi, yeah-don't involve his little brother! Things will get ugly, un."
"Uh, okay..."
And so the day carried on until the sun began to set, and Deidara declared that he had to leave immediately. With a wave and a singularly manic smile, he had disappeared into the gloom.
"Bye, yeah! See you tomorrow!"
Naruto and Jiraya watched him go. "Crazy kid, that one. I really feel for Inoichi-imagine trying to raise him! You'd just die..."
Naruto nodded vehemently. "Believe it! There'd be the unstableness and the keeping him away from paedophiles and the blowing up stuff all the time..."
(Deidara had shown them his art earlier. Whilst cool, it was undoubtedly highly dangerous in the hands of, say, Naruto? Jiraya had banned it on sight.)
"Yeah, shame about all that...Sweet kid really, I'm sure."
They could now see the floor of their new pawnbrokers shop. It was a large but dark room, with old oak floorboards and heavy curtains. Jiraya resolved to paint it as soon as possible-a nice cream, perhaps? Or maybe a soft pastel grey? Cupboards lined one wall, and the floor and back rooms were now clear of boxes. Upstairs was all right-there was a little maisonette with two bedrooms that would do nicely for them, provided it wasn't painted pink.
He turned to face Naruto, who was slumped over one of the boxes in exhaustion.
"Hey, kid-we're done for today. Tomorrow we'll go meet the locals and get all our stuff put in, but right now I think we all could do with a large bowl of ramen. What say you?"
Naruto's head shot up immediately. "RAMENRAMENYEAH!"
Jiraya chuckled heartily. "I thought so! Chicken or pork?"
No-one had noticed Itachi slip through the front door of the shop, which had of course been left wide open. His dark, expressionless voice cut through the air.
"I prefer pork ramen, Jiraya-sama. And Uzumaki-kun looks like a nodding dog. Is that normal?"
Jiraya just burst into fresh gales of laughter. Who knew Fugaku's son would have turned out quite so amusing? Oh, he was going to enjoy the next few months...
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Okay, they meet the locals in the next one. And perhaps Kabuto will finally appear-who knows? I swear I have no control over this story any more...
I do not own Naruto and I apologise for the weirdness of this chapter. A lot of Itachi and Deidara, I know, but they're recurring characters in all my stories.
And no, it doesn't take a genius to work out that I've made Deidara either a) a druggie or b) pregnant. Good luck with that little puzzler! And yes, Orochimaru practically owns them.
Lastly, sorry about Itachi's terrible language. As always, I made him very verbose (for Itachi) but unusually this time I made him cuss like a sailor! Odd, I know. I have no idea how it happened.
See you next time!